Letting You See Me Naked

I have written a lot about my feeling around stripping in public - which is something that I think that I do - often on a daily basis  - not only through my memoir - but also through my blogs.  I am in the habit of writing as though nobody is looking - and that is a pretty naked feeling.  I just finished watching "Naked on the Inside" on HBO. It is a documentary that profiles six different people on the issue of body image. If you get a chance to see it - check it out. It inspired me, touched me and stirred me. I have spent a great deal of time feeling naked on the inside. I love that language. "Naked on the Inside". It really speaks to our core vulnerabilities. When we work at opening that up - When we allow our own selves to really look at our own most naked places - and then decide that it is really okay to let others hold that part of us - or even just to see that part of us - tremendous healing can happen. It's about making the choice not to be invisible anymore - to yourself or to others.

I keep getting closer and closer to those places in myself. And, some of my friends and my sexuality coaching clients - are beginning to open themselves too. It is like watching flowers open. Each petal opens in it's own time, and then one day you are staring at the carpels and the stamen...the most secret part of a flower. And like flowers, opening one petal at a time...when they are fully open - it can be stunning to behold.

I keep looking deeper and deeper into myself. I am amazed by how many petals that I have. When I allow myself to admire myself - to truly feel good about all the parts of me - sometimes, I need to put aside all of your eyes.

Sometimes, we "become" the reflection of other's perceptions of us. And sometimes, those perceptions are simply their own projections, assumptions and prejudices. It is hard to put aside the eyes of others to truly look inside ourselves and see our own nakedness in our own reality.

It is really hard. None of us are the glossy pictures in magazines. Not even the people who are photographed. And I don't simply mean their physical beauty - I also mean the inner "stories" that the pictures encourage us to layer on the images.

And then there is the paradox. Sometimes, I want you eyes on my nakedness. I want your projections, assumptions, prejudices and approval. Because in those, there is a learning and a healing too.

I have gotten to love walking around naked in public - at places like Harbin Spa in Northern California - where there are out door hot tubs and nudity is allowed.

I have spent so much of my life hiding my nakedness. Now I want all of me to be seen. I am very self aware of my nakedness. It is not self conscious - it is self aware. I like to feel my body as I move about. My strong legs and ass. The curve of my waist - the softness of my belly. I think that being naked in public (where it is allowed and acceptable) has been one of the most healing things that I have done for myself.

My middle years have been one big self reveal. In my book, Shameless I have let you see and hold my soul, and I have let you see me naked in your imaginations.

I have allowed myself to open my petals....and simply be the flower that I am. I have let who ever has wanted to look - by opening my book - view deep inside of me....even down to my carpels and stamen. I have let you all "see" what I "see". Sometimes, we actually see different things. Sometimes, my readers have even pointed out parts of me that I didn't know were there. There are times, that I do not like what you reflect back to me - and there are times when you have provided a much more loving mirror than I would ever have held up for myself.

Perhaps the best part, is that my writing - my willingness to show you my nakedness - has allowed you to look at parts of yourself that perhaps you didn't know were there either. Some of my readers are becoming great friends because I have shared my journey - and it has become a great big exercise in "I will show you mine, and now you have shown me yours" - or perhaps the game of "You have that too?"

Naked on the inside....and allowing others to see. Perhaps that has been the journey all along.

Secret Desires

I am still smiling months after the encounter. There I was in an independent book store - about to doing a reading of Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner when I was greeted by a beautiful women that I know through my fertility work. She hadn't read the book yet - she was coming for the reading and to say hello. We started to chat about mutual friends - and my book. One of our mutual friends wasn't very comfortable with everything in my book. I told her that I thought that she was uncomfortable with some of the "kinkier" desires that I had uncovered during my journey of sexual self discovery.  "I think it was the spanking" I told her.  "I think that the spanking freaked her out," I confided in my friend. Her eyes grew as big as saucers and she started to giggle. She covered her mouth and in a stage whisper said to me "Like it too!" We both broke out peals of laughter. "Of course you do!" I said with a wink. "It's not so uncommon, you know - so many people love to play with sensation and power games in the bedroom."

The one thing that I learned is that no one is kinkier than anybody else - and whatever you think is sexy or erotic - there is a line behind you of people who find the same thing sexy and erotic! Just go into any sex store and you will see your neighbors fetishes all lined up and ready for purchase. So - lighten up and give up the shame. If what you are turned on by is safe, sane and consensual - it's really all good! And you don't have to whisper! We all probably like it too!

Facing My Fears: A Little Back Story

Deciding to make a commitment to myself, to a year of rejuvenation in public, feels both exciting and daunting. What if I fall miserably? Let's start with weight loss. All of my past attempts at formal boot camps of self deprivation and exercise has been mostly miserable failures. My only success happened when I was wasn’t really trying during my Shameless Journey when I found out that what I was really missing, was living a sexually integrated and whole life. It was on and off a massage table, that the pounds slipped away because I was finally feeding myself what I really needed which was sensual touch that was all about me.

And so, I went from being a plus size two, to a mere “Large” or a size 14/16. And that is where my body stayed.

Frankly, I am not miserable at all at this current weight even if it is bigger than some. The mountain of flesh that I hid behind had melted into curves and valleys. I feel pretty damn sexy.

But when I think back to the body that I once had, way back before I had kids, I kind of feel cheated. I had no idea how physically beautiful I was in my younger years - but it didn't matter. I didn't feel hot at all. In fact, I didn't even feel warm. Introduce the expression "Youth is wasted on the young". Right now I so get that!

Now switch up the conversation from my cliche to the next! You know the expression,"If you don’t have your health – you don’t have anything?"

Well, hyper-tension¸acid and non acid reflux and a stomach that is not empty properly is now creating major health problems that are starting to get in the way of my new found “hotness" in the imperfectly perfect skin I am in.

It is hard to feel really sexy in the middle of a dinner when you are choking on your steak! I had to do something – and I really didn’t know what.

I started where most of us start when we are in the midst of a health crisis – I googled my symptoms and I didn’t like what I had to read. Apparently, the diet Coke that was my mainstay may have actually contributed to the swallowing issues. I had to give up diet Coke? Really? And drink what? Water? Like from the sink?Everyone knew that plastic wasn't good for you either!

I was immediately unhappy. I loved my diet Coke, but in that moment I knew that I had popped my last can. Then it was off to the specialist. Guess what? More diets and more restrictions. I was given the GERD Diet. Now, how sexy was this? I was a hot smoking mama – and I was now on a GERD Diet?

What that meant is that I now unable to eat or had to deeply curtail my consumption of chocolate and red wine!

Okay – now they were talking sex food! Were they kidding? And my afternoon Starbucks latte? Gone. I had to lift the head of my bed so I didn’t die in the middle of the night from reflux into my lungs, and I had to stop eating about three hours before bed. Fabulous – sign me up for the early bird special! Now…I must be honest – none of this was fitting with my hot, sexy, shameless image. I was starting to feel pulled down. And then came the clinker…I had to lose weight if I really wanted to get better. Apparently my belly fat that I had finally made peace  with was pushing on my stomach and making all of the health issues worse.

Diets have never worked for me. The doctor started to talk about putting a rubber band around my stomach to help me diet. That made me feel like an even bigger failure – but I started to consider it – and then rejected it again. People diet. People lose weight on their own – I was a smart girl – why couldn’t’ I see this as dieting in a completely new way. For the first time I was not going to dieting to look or feel sexy – I got that already. This was for my health. But I started to wonder about the changes in my body.

What about losing 40 pounds at 50? Wouldn’t I hang or sag? What was I going to be left with if on the off chance that I was successful? I became clear that if I was going to do this I was going to lose weight as the completion of my journey to a healthy second half of life that was filled with being sexuality alive.

Could I really do that for myself?

Let’s face it – I still had some body images – could I move past the rest of it?

But was dieting the only answer? The more I thought about this crusade, the more I thought about this being a year of rejuvenation.

What would I need to build a team to really bring in all the aspects of rejuvenation? Yoga? Walking? A Food Coach? Massage? Plastic Surgery? Vitamins? What would a total plan look like? The one thing I am clear about is that in order for me to be successful - I need a team! I started in two places....one obvious place - Weight Watchers. I felt main-stream and as if just the signing up for the program signaled doom and failure. What was I doing? Is this the food plan I want to be on? I am not sure - but it was cheap and easy and on line so I am a member.

And the not so obvious place is Dr. Bart Rademaker, the plastic surgeon. That I wrote about the other day. Dr. Rademaker specializes in regenerative plastic surgery.  And yesterday I got this done!

Tomorrow I will write about the cookies and the needles! And for now- I am trying to unwind the story for you as I face my fears - and begin the process.  I promise to share all the steps on the journey....

If Shameless was any indication - this is going to be one hell of a ride!

My Year of Rejuvenation

On Friday, I began my year of rejuvenation.  It all started by accident, and suddenly I have landed once again in the land of Oz and like Dorothy I don't know quite where I am going - but I am determined to walk down the yellow brick road. The idea of rejuvenation started to kick in for me once I landed back from my exhausting book tour. I came home with health problems that seemed to need "healing" and restorative care.  I had to "diet".  Me diet? How could I do that? I am about not dieting! But I had never approached dieting from a place of personal rejuvenation before.  Before, it was always about me needing to look a certain way for somebody else to love me.  To be perfectly honest - dieting was even on the table as a way for me to love me.

It took my shameless journey to teach me how to love the body that I am in, and for the first time I could perhaps seeing dieting or changing my eating habits as a way to heal my body.  I never bought into that before...but that was before I had trouble swallowing!

And so I joined Weight Watchers as a way to heal myself - the same way that I climbed on the table of a Sacred Intimate to help heal myself. This was new to me.  To be perfectly frank - I felt some shame around it! How could I the shameless woman who thumbed her nose at all conventions do something as conventional as Weight Watchers? I could do it because now that I had healed the issues with my body - and I didn't want anything to stand in the way of that celebration!

Honestly, I am not interested in being skinny. I am a curvy girl - and proud of it. But I am also going to do what I need to do to live a healthy, fabulous life. And if going down ONE size will do it - I am in.  So, that was step one on my path to my year of rejuvenation. And then - quite by accident I met Dr. Bart Rademaker, a plastic surgeon -  at a wellness conference. We really hit it off and he invited me to come for a visit to Tampa, Florida to explore helping him with his website.  Being the marketing maven that I am - I accepted the ticket and headed to the very hot, hot weather of Florida in the summer.

To be perfectly honest - I have had a lot of judgement about people who did plastic surgeon or went the way of injections, botox and fillers.  The people that I knew who did this like celebrities, looked weird to me.  And I was determined to age gracefully - none of that was for me.

But that was so last week!

I had no idea what was going on in the world of plastic surgery until I met Dr. Rademaker - and spent the night listening to him wax poetic about stem cells and something called Selphyl where they take your own blood and extract your platelets and fibrin to rejuvenate your face! Organic plastic surgery? Really?

The more I talked to Dr. Rademaker, a Nobel Peace Prize nominee - the more I thought about this for myself. But it felt scary - and my own judgements about "just loving myself the way I am" came up for me.  I posted on Facebook about exploring Botox and some of the other bag of tricks that Dr. Rademaker had in this tool kit and it was met with mostly excitement. But a friend posted and said that it didn't fit with my brand....

I felt judged, just as I felt judged when I started out on my sexuality journey.

Why can't I go on a journey of rejuvenation if I choose to? After all, that is what I did on my Shameless Journey - didn't I?

I am feeling called to explore this - excited even! I want to know what is possible with the body that I have. When I was 20 years old, I had a gorgeous body but I didn't understand it.  Now, I understand my body - but it is aging in ways that does not always feel comfortable to me. So do I have the right to explore what it might feel like to have the entire package in the ways that feel comfortable for me? Or am I just setting myself up for more judgement?

We will see! But I have committed to this - and I am going to do it wide open and in public! I am committed to being Shameless and living my life as a woman in full according to me! Just as I encourage you to live your life in full according to you! You will be able to see You Tube videos - and lots of blogs.

So....I am beginning! Jumping off the cliff for my year of rejuvenation! What do you think?


Is Having a Rich Sex Life an Indulgence?

Is having children an indulgence? How about eating healthy food or creating time to exercise? I don't think so....nor do I think that having a healthy, explored and delicious sexuality is an indulgence either. In fact I think that these things can be essential to living a full life. When people want to attack me for speaking out for women (and men) to take the time to really explore who they are as a sexual beings within their own boundaries - their very favorite thing to say is that I am being self indulgent and encouraging other people to do the same!

About 24 years ago - I began to speak out for people who were going through infertility. The funny thing is - that back then (and even still today), I ran up against people who told me that couples who were trying to build their families through Assisted Reproductive Technologies (ART) such as IVF, Egg Donation, or Surrogacy were selfish, narcissus and self-indulgent. Why didn't they "just adopt" or sponsor children in other countries - they wanted to know!

There was a tremendous amount of shaming of people going through infertility treatment and self righteous judgment. Frankly - this still goes on today. Of course - back then and today as well - there are people that "get it" - and support family building tremendously - but there are always the few loud mouths who feel that they really know best! And they want to protect you from the evils that they know will come you way if you continue to travel down your misguided path.

Now that I have expanded my advocacy to include sexual wholeness for people and am sharing my own personal story through my memoir Shameless, I am encountering the very same phenomenon. There is a huge group of supporters from Dr. Christiane Northrup to everyday women who are going through the same self-loathing and sexual confusion that I went through (and are taking courage in my story) and there are the people who are attempting to shame me for my self exploration. That my desires to try and understand who I was as a sexual being was self indulgent and my sharing of it shameful.

Back in the day when I experienced infertility - I broke down barriers for people who were too ashamed of their infertility to seek help or speak to others. Now - I am surprised to find myself exactly in the same waters, but this time around sexuality.

It's shocking after a half century or so of "the sexual revolution", that healthy integrated sexuality is still taboo - even terrifying to some. But I trust just like I have before - that the day will come when women will be truly free of shame around their sexuality.

Sexual Desire is Like a Flower! It Grows When You Water It!

"If you don't use it...you lose it". Have you ever heard that phrase? How about "The more you get - the more you want?" Have you noticed that the word "insatiable" goes so well with the word "desire"? Almost like peanut butter and jelly!

There have been times in my own sexual awakening that I started to feel that exploring my sexuality is like that old saying about eating Chinese food. You can have a delicious meal and twenty minutes later you are hungry again!

Maybe I am exaggerating just a little, but I do think that if you do not stir the pot of your sexual being - you can become dormant just like a hibernating bear. Have you ever seen a hibernating bear on one of those nature shows after he wakes up? Just like the bear - once you wake up and begin to feed yourself - you can find that your hunger is extraordinary. And that hunger can be quite unsettling. How do we manage our hunger?

I love to talk about us "waking up your sleeping beauty!" And what I mean by that - is reawakening our sexual selves. But what happens when Beauty wakes up and the Prince is snoring? Or there is no Prince? How does Beauty feed herself? And don't take my metaphor too literally this can apply to men too!

I have been steeped in desire lately - I have a Shameless Life Coaching practice - and one of my clients is a lovely woman who I am going to call "Gena". Gena is in her forties and has two kids, runs her own business and after reading my book Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time To Cook Dinner began to explore her own sexuality by working with me and a Certified Sexological Bodyworker.

Guess what happened? Her inner "Sleeping Beauty" woke up! WoooHoooo! Fantastic! Well, actually feeling our newly found sexual awakening can sometimes be uncomfortable.

Once we start exploring what we desire, figure out how desire looks for us and how to reach for them - things can really heat up for us in our lives! Gena recently said to me...

"Speaking of desire I have a subject that I hope to get feedback about. I have a terrible time focusing on the requirements of my daily life. Since I started do deeply explore this part of myself - I have become so focused on sex! I have a business to run, friends, kids, parents, etc.

I crave all that goes with this quest. Following discussion groups, reading, watching videos, having more experiences, experimenting with Zestra and other ways of exploring my own sexuality for myself. And all of this learning, all seem to tug at me when I really should be working or doing the more routine, and often less fulfilling parts of my life. I don't feel comfortable sharing much of this with anyone in my immediate circle, which is obviously a problem I have to work on. I desire comfort in this new found joy. I'm unsettled. Like I'm waiting for something. It's hard to sit with the pleasure and happiness I experience in increasing amounts as I learn and incorporate more of the eroticism and deep excitement I often feel. Maybe that's it. Too much excitement for everyday pursuits.

How do other people deal with this? What do you do with an inability to satisfy yourself, in a complete, overall way? It seems like no matter what I experience I still have insatiable desire for more".

I don't think that Gena is alone. After we starve ourselves - and then taste food for the first time in a long time - it can be pretty overwhelming. The good news is that if we continue to feed ourselves our lives can become more balanced and we can kind up in a much better place.

What I have found is that it comes in waves. This insatiable need for more is always strongest in the beginning of ending sensual deep sleep.

Again, I liken it to survivors of famine who for a while after they are rescued hoard food or cannot stop eating. So many of us are starving in our bodies for sensual pleasure and a fully healthy integrated life.

It's just that sometimes we don't know our hunger until we jump start our bodies and come out of hibernation. And then the food tastes so sweet and our bodies just cannot get enough because we went too long without feeding it.

My suggestion is to everyone who is just beginning to wake up again sexually is to notice your hunger. I am noticing mine, and as you are able to - feed yourself. Perhaps you need a little more right now - then let your body have it. Reassure your body that you will not take this away from yourself ever again - that it IS available.

If you can afford it, explore taking a workshop and indulge yourself a bit. Look for new ways to feed and explore your own sexuality. Pleasure and sexuality can be found in so many things! Use your new found sexual energy to channel your creativity! Painting, taking up photography, cooking, dancing and yoga are all great ways to continue to explore and use your nearly emerging sexual energy.

Feeding yourself can be buying long black stockings and wearing them just for yourself! I have begun to buy beautiful bath products. I am addicted at the moment to LUSH. I give myself special long sexy baths .I acknowledge and feed my desire in different ways.

Please don't be frightened of your desires. Feed yourself in ways that reassures your body and your mind will be much more free to do what you need to do. Notice your desire. Do not judge it or decide that it is too much.

Consider seeing and feeling your desire as an indicator of your vitality! I often feel my desire in that way. I choose to feel that I am a beautiful sexual being in full bloom! When I feel my deep desire....I imagine myself as that flower after the rain and I allow myself to enjoy the feeling.

I believe that as our bodies learn that we will never go to sleep on ourselves again that we will become less agitated with all of these new feelings and we will become more fulfilled in how we live our daily lives. Sex is not an end point - it is an integral part of who we are.

For now, I have advised my client to eat freely and eat often. I am so glad that Gena woke up! And she is not alone. So many of us are finally acknowledging our desires, and wanting more for ourselves in this life. Feeling all of those feelings it isn't always comfortable especially in the beginning - but isn't it so much better than being asleep?

Come Inside My World....

I wrote about this a bit on my blog Shameless Woman over at Psychology Today.  The blog that I wrote there that still haunts my heart is called "Stripping in Public" and  here is a bit of it: "There I was standing in front of a group of people - perhaps 30 or more in a beautiful independent bookstore in Seattle, Washington. I could feel the quiet in the room, the soft breathing of the crowd as I read from one of the more provocative chapters in my memoir - Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home In Time To Cook Dinner...." I could feel the anticipation in the room as I read aloud about "The Dark Knight" looking deeply in my eyes and asking me if I could surrender to him. And it occurred to me that I was actually stripping in public. Have you ever done that? Allowed yourself to be excruciating vulnerable in public? So vulnerable that you felt like you were stripping off your clothes? That has been what it has been like for me on my book tour. Doing a reading from a memoir - especially one as provocative and intimate as Shameless has really challenged my own notions of shame! Could I read to a group of strangers, and share one of the most intimate experiences of my life?  It was one thing knowing that people all over the country were reading my memoir - it is quite a different experience reading your most personal thoughts aloud to a group.

As I read, I felt the color rise to my checks as I tried to connect with the group of spell bound listeners. I made myself look into the eyes of my audience. It was terrifying! Was there healing in this for me? Was there healing in allowing myself to be truly naked in public? I wasn't sure. The only thing I was sure of was that I was allowing myself to be completely vulnerable with this group. It was like falling backwards - and trusting that you would be caught. I finished the chapter - and was met with applause, laughter and the longest question and answer of the entire tour. It was fabulous. I almost didn't read that chapter - it was near the end of the book - and it felt too intimate to me. But I trusted that somehow it was the right chapter for the group that was assembled. So I stripped naked in public, and I didn't die. Instead I found myself embraced, loved, and something more. By sharing my soul with people - they shared theirs with mine. It was a risk worth taking."

Somehow - I keep doing this.  Last weekend at a Body Electric Workshop  for Women, we were asked to do a "Reveal" - where we stood in front of the group of women that we had spent the weekend with - and we had three minutes to share something very real and vulnerable about our lives.  Three minutes can be a long time. We all did it. After I did it - I couldn't stop crying. I felt too opened up - how could I say these things out loud? What allowed me to do that? Was it healing for me or educational for my audience? Was it a way of truly being seen? And if I allowed the world to see me in such a real way - what would change for me? Would I be comfortable with that? I wasn't sure - and I was a little shaken.

And then yesterday on Psychology Today I published a piece on Female Ejaculation. It was a very personal blog about a truly transformational experience for me. The comments on Facebook kept coming in - thanking me for sharing my story. The readership on that blog is growing minute by minute. I read the comment where Dr. Christiane Northrup (a woman who I consider a mentor and teacher) calls me a pioneer. Really?

I try to put some breath around that for myself. Is that what I am? Am I  a pioneer or a woman who needs an edit button?

I don't think that it is the subject matter that I am talking about that is so pioneering really.  What I think stuns people is that I am willing to use the first person. Make it about my experience - my orgasm, my ejaculation, my weight,  my sexiness, my self loathing, my sessions, my marriage without hiding behind a fictional character or perhaps a made up "client".

I don't know how to do this any other way.  I suppose that it is startling.  Frankly - it is often that for me too. I often jump off the cliff of my story telling - and then go back and say something like "Did I really tell the world that?" Yet - we are all still standing!

Yet,  it is in my ability to leap  and be a vulnerable  truth teller that allows other people the permission to really take inside what I am  sharing.  When I am real - you get permission to be real too.

I am not going to say that this is easy.  Allowing people to come inside your heart for a little while - and perhaps even inside your most intimate experiences can leave me breathless.  But it is the place that I write from and coach my clients from. I simply don't know any other way to communicate and teach.

So, I will continue to strip naked in public - whether it is at my workshops, my blogging or my books. There are times that I reach for the blanket of love of my community, my family, my friends, my readers, my social network fans, to cover me up and hold me. Sometimes, I need to be rocked too - and comforted. I am mindful of my body - and my own emotional limits. It can be exhausting stripping in public on a regular basis - but if you have never tried it - I dare you.

It can be a magical, transformational and healing experience.

When was the last time you "stripped naked" in public? Allowed yourself to be truly intimate with people? It can feel really scary - but the lessons of my life as a public sex and fertility educator has taught me that taking the risk to be intimate is the most rewarding experience of all. And in the end - I have no regrets at all.

Have you ever had an experience like this? Have you ever stripped in public? How do you feel when you read about my intimate disclosures? Do they support you? How?

Do You Want to Live Your Life as a Turned On Woman?

In so many ways - I am an everyday woman. I own a mini-van and I don't have any tattoos. My hair is brunette with no pink or purple streaks. My nose is ringless. But I have a sexy swing to my hips, and a skip to my step. I have found the secret sauce. I am a turned on woman! What is a turned on woman? It's a woman who has figured out that sex begins with learning how to be a courtesan for herself first and foremost. It's about taking the time to look within and connect to our own sexual core. Once we figure out how to do that - a turned on woman will develop a deeper connection to her own sexual engine and be able to take that power source out into the world for the good of her family, friends, and community.

I wrote about my own experiences in becoming a turned on woman in my memoir "Shameless, How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner", but that was my journey. Every woman has her own journey. But what I learned on my journey is that sex is a power tool.

Sex can bring babies into the world, steal hearts, and over throw empires. So why wouldn't we use sex to enliven, invigorate and transform our lives? Have you forgotten about it? Or perhaps never really tapped into your own sexuality? Sometimes, we have to rediscover our desire for it. Learn to take pleasure from it - and learn to use sex to energize us from the inside out. The secret sauce is that our sexual energy can actually fuel our creative juices, enliven our relationships and connect us in a deeper way on our spiritual path.

Sex is pretty powerful stuff. But like the best kinds of energy available, it is clean, sustainable and self renewing. We just have to stoke the fires once in a while!

How can you begin to tap into this magical, mystical place in your body? One of my favorite places to begin with my coaching clients (who I have taken to calling my "Client Girlfriends") is to have them develop their own self pleasuring practice.

So many of my client girlfriends often bristle, and roll their eyes at the thought. The common refrain is "If I have to give it to myself what good is it?" or "I don't have the time to self pleasure" or "If I give it to myself then it's not worth very much!"

To that I say "We have to stop looking outside of ourselves for pleasure. We can't always expect someone else to give us what we want - and if we don't develop a self pleasuring practice how on earth are we ever go to know what we want when we are with a partner?"

That brought a light bulb moment to my clients who responded by saying "OMG. You are right. When my lover asks me what I like - I can't tell him. I have no idea."

This beautiful woman is not alone. So many of us have no idea what truly turns us on. I believe that it is incredibly important to figure this out in order to live as a woman in full.

The secret sauce to becoming a turned on woman - is inside each and everyone one of us. We just need some vitamin "P" (pleasure) to turn her on and energize her. Take the time to stoke your own fires - and I promise that you will smolder in a very delicious and sexy way all day long!

To this end - I am working with the Playing Ground - to develop programs are  "that devoted to awakening your passion and aliveness through the art of play and sensual rejuvenation. We are here to remind you what every child intuitively knows, but what too many adults have forgotten".

To that end - I am running my first workshop with Playing Ground - all about learning how to find your own turned on woman!  Perhaps you’ve never really learned to tap into your own sexuality - or you want to ramp it up! Well, it’s time to learn how to turn yourself on! And that’s exactly what this program is designed to do.

This live workshop will introduce exercises and provide advice from our panel of sensuality experts including Tomas and Joan Heartfield, PhD.  Joan & Tomas are skilled in the art of teaching a woman to live a turned on life and will provide the answers to all of your juicy questions!

The four-session follow up teleclass is designed to help you take the Secret Ingredients to Becoming a Turned On Woman into action. Each week,  I will introduce a new ingredient to add to your sensual repertoire. Living a turned on life is a practice and this series is designed to support you in making sensual maintenance part of your daily life.

Each evening will wrap up with a Q&A session that will give you direct access to my coaching expertise.

This delicious series dedicated to turn on will give you the tools to begin to tap into the magical, mystical places in your body. It’s time to own our sensual power as women and stop looking outside of ourselves for pleasure.

Come join us to heat up your fire and turn your light up high.

The Secret Ingredients to Becoming a Turned On Woman - Workshop & 4-Week Teleclass

Register Here:

Event Information: The Secret Ingredients to Becoming a Turned On Woman - Workshop & 4-Week Teleclass $149.00 | June 14, 2011 | Women Only

Tuesday, June 14th 7:00pm-9:30pm Teleclass: Tuesday Evenings June 21 | June 28 | July 12 | July 19 8:00pm-9:15pm Discounted Combined Fee: $149 Also available as options below: Workshop Only: $49 Teleclass Only: $125 This course is open to women only.

Address: The Meta Center 214 West 29th Street, 16th floor New York, NY 10001 Map and Directions

June 14, 2011

Start Time: 7:00 pm End Time: 9:30 pm

A Shameless Diet

Life is full of ironies.  I ditched the diets years ago.  I found that by having nourishing touch - that I was less hungry and that I was able to full the void that was in my life in much more sexy ways than a chocolate chip cookie. Weight fell off of my plus size body naturally - no failed diets for me! I was free. I never got skinny - I simply left the plus sizes behind and became quite comfortable as a curvy size 14.  I actually like my round ass, full breasts and I can even see beauty in the softness of my belly.  I wear sexy clothes and flirt with the world - it took a long time to get me here - this place of self acceptance and internal sexy fire.  It's what most of my readers and coaching students want.

And then I developed a tightness in my throat.  It scared me. I flew to the doctors after choking at dinner at a conference - and after an extensive work up found out that I had a type of reflux.  ICK.  What to do?  Well - apparently my kind of reflux was not cured by a purple pill. Oh no - if I wanted to get rid of this tight around my collar feeling - I was going to have to go on a diet!

He was kidding right? No - actually he wasn't.  I had to give up some of the things that I love to eat - modify the quantities of things like coffee (one mug a day) and on top of THAT diet - I was going to need to size down again.

So here I sit - the author of a book that tells you how I ditched the diets.....and I did. Right now,  I am trying to look at dieting through a different lens.  Before dieting was about trying to look a certain way to feel better about myself. I found out that dieting didn't do that for me. Being thinner didn't make me sexier.  I was and am - sexy.  Instead diets always made me feel like I was less than.

I am on Weight Watchers on Line playing with points.  I am wondering if I can diet my way out of a tight throat. That would be a good use of a diet.

Feeling sexy? Accepting myself? Learning how to be a turned on woman? No diet can do that.

The Art of Talking Sexy!

Talking sexy is different than talking dirty. And I am fortunate to bear witness several months ago to the art of "talking sexy" being practiced with skill and love. While I was on my book tour for Shameless, and I spent the weekend with a couple who has been in relationship for 17 years. We are sitting in the living room chatting about summer plans when my host Al, comes out with how he is looking forward to taking a motorcycle trip with his honey across the country. "I know the trip will be long, but I am going to have the pleasure of my beloved's pelvis pressed against me for hours." Ladies and Gentlemen that simple sentence made me swoon!

And this went on all day - on and off in small and subtle ways. This couple erotized each other and let each other know this as casually as I have been known to pick on my husband.

I started to think about the last time my husband walked in the door and I said something like "Look at the hot man that just walked in my door! Santa came early this year!"

As I tell my coaching clients - words are foreplay. I think that we all forget that. How we talk to each other during the day can affect how the rest of our sex lives go. What if our partners looked up from their newspapers while we are walking by to take out the garbage - and say something like "Look at the ass on that tomato - I want to give it a bite!". What would that do to us? Personally, hearing my sweetie say something like that to me would make me feel sexy and desirable. Related Links

Talking hot to each other is an art and it can be learned - and I think we should start to make it a habit. Talking hot is not saying to each other that you want to do a particular act to them - it is more subtle. It is gentler and smokier. When done right it should make the fire begin to burn just a little bit in your loins or bring color to your face.

It's a tip for the new monogamy. How we are able to keep our sexuality alive - our relationships burning. It can really start with words. It can start with telling each other in small ways throughout the day that we think each other is hot and sexy. Make it a practice. Decide that today - and every day, at least two times a day - that you will use words to communicate the hotness of your relationship or marriage. See what changes it will bring.

A Little Divine Inspiration! Make a Little WISH!

Lately - I have been looking for a little divine inspiration. And sometimes it seems that it is all around me. All I have to do is look or a make a little WISH.  How about you? Are you looking for a little support? A little inspiration? Well - really it's all around you! You could join The Shameless Community which is on it's last days of it's introductory price at $15.00 per year (it's going up to $99.00 soon!) - and join my on line bee hive of sex educators and community members. You could decide that now is the time to finally get that inspirational life coach you have been talking about for a long time. Yep - that is available too - and there are always amazing workshops available to light your fire! I love all of that - and I have another thought too - to help you mix it up and get your fire going!  How about making a WISH - and celebrating all aspects of being a woman?

Let's not just make it another day - Oh sure, you'll have the usual to do list:

Make breakfast Walk the dog Fold laundry Wash dishes Wipe counters

But what about  you're going to put something very, very important on the to do list.


I know it's not always easy to prioritize yourself when you have so much to do, but I have just the thing to help you make it happen!

For 40 days and 40 nights, you're invited to make a commitment to you--to your health, well-being and to learning everything you possibly can from some of the most successful health and wellness leaders today. Now this series has already started - but you can still jack in and hear all of the past talks - and start listening now as they go live!

You're invited to WISH: The Women's International Summit for Health - and It's a f.r.e.e. online event that started on March 8th. Tens of thousands of women from around the world will be coming together to put themselves on the agenda. And it's on going! You are not too late!

Here are just some of the people who will be speaking as part of this event:

Byron Katie Maya Angelou Marianne Williamson Arielle Ford Carol Look Mike Adams John Robbins Dr. Joel Fuhrman

oh...and me! Pamela Madsen! Fertility and Sexuality Educator and author of Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home In Time To Cook Dinner!

You can check them all out here:

If there was ever an opportunity for you to tap into the wisdom of women and men who are living their best life, this event IS IT!

I guarantee you'll be thanking me for having mentioned it to you, so sign up now!




An event like this is the perfect way to make your ideal life more than just wishful thinking!

Looking Into The Sea

Dear Readers: Here is another hidden blog for you....from my private  Shameless archives.  I hope that you enjoy it....it is a scene from my marriage in the days of sorting it all out.



Looking Into The Sea

I don't know what to do with myself. I tell myself to focus to pay attention to my family. I don't mean the obvious things. This week I went to the supermarket two times. I cooked dinners and I packed lunches as well as driving to the mall to get my youngest new clothes...made appointments for him to get his braces tightened, talked to his teacher about how very smart he was. Yes sir - he had the highest test grades - but he is still not handing in his homework.

I drove to NYC in the pouring rain because the oldest wanted me to buy him groceries as a part of his birthday present at "Trader Joes"....kind of a free for all of bagged pasta and endless bags of chips for his dorm. He used to want Ninja Turtles for his birthday and to go wild in Toys -R-Us. Now he wants groceries. My boy has grown up. Nineteen. He is nineteen. At that age I had met his Father - a year later I would be married. I am stunned briefly by the age of my kid and my youth at the time that I choose my husband. I did the shopping with him, yet I didn't want to have lunch with him. I knew that I couldn't concentrate. How could THAT be? Time with my oldest son away at school and I was letting that go? Yes. I was. I had no patience.  And then there was Gavin who has been texting me about our sex life...yes....I said texting. I was driving home and up on my Treo comes this message.

"I am craving your body." He writes. Okay. Good to know. He hasn't touched my body in a sexual way in weeks. I text him back.

"So....take my body"

"Hmmmm" He writes, "guess that leaves all my fantasies waiting to be fulfilled."

I feel impatience with the conversation. I know that I should be thrilled that he is reaching out....trying. It occurs to me that I am a mean bitch. What the hell is wrong with me? This poor guy is trying!!!

"Just a thought. Perhaps I am too focused on your fantasies and I am impatient in my ability to fulfill them.  No one can compete with fantasies and perhaps I should be more focused on fulfilling my own."

Now we are talking! I want him to be greedy about his pleasure. I want to be used for that. I want him to just  take me.....but perhaps his fantasies have nothing to do with me? I can't believe we are having this conversation through instant messaging.  Truly the modern couple.

"Yes - I would love you to focus on your fantasies and to share them with me. I would love it if you would just make love to  and stopped worrying my fantasies and how I fulfill them. Just be you and make love to me. That is all I need."

"That is the central act of all my fantasies." He writes....


"Do you find it more difficult to get aroused from interactions that do not fulfill your fantasies?" "No..sweetie...I do not. I love it when you make love with me. No one can do that as wonderfully as you. You always give me pleasure."

This is not a lie. My husband knows how to give me pleasure.

"Do we need milk?" He writes. This conversation is over....

I was available on all the levels that a good Mother needs to be available. I was available as a Wife....on all levels....Yet I was at a new level of distraction from my family. I trying to get a grip of my own desire - and it is hard. There is too much shame wrapped around all of it for me.

I am reading this book written in 1899...."The Awakening" by Kate Chopin - it is about the sexual and personal awakening of a wife and mother in New Orleans during the turn of the 18th Century.

So many of her thoughts are mine. I recognize her distraction....her disinterest in her social norm responsibilities. I get it and this story takes place over a 100 years later - yet women are still on this journey. Why is that? Why do we have to go on this journey? Why aren't we just as we are? Why aren't we born awakened? Or are we...and then just put to sleep by a world of social norms and the "have to's" of our world.

I am going through my days right now and my mind is wandering. It is like I am always looking far off into the distance. Perhaps even into the sea of another time in my life whether it be the past or the future. And I know that I need to be in the present. I fight to pull myself here. I find myself lost in erotic fantasy....wondering if I should if I should start going to go to the "One Taste" meetings in NYC. I find myself thinking about going to a Tantra Workshop or retreat.

I need to concentrate. I need to focus - there is a husband here who is struggling to find me. There are kids here – although mostly grown....but there are kids here. There is my more than full time job.

And there is me.

There is tragedy at the end of "The Awakening". Edna walks into the sea for she cannot live in her present. Her choice is not my choice. But I can see her walking into the ocean as she feels that there is no breath in her lungs that is hers and on the last page as she is sinking into the ocean she is thinking of her husband - of her children. "They are a part of her life. But they need not have thought that could possess her, body and soul."

"So, Pamela - Why Did You Do It?"

Here's a little memory for all of you....a writing from my private journals. I called it -"So, Pamela - Why Did You Do It?" I am getting a little tired of the question that Anne my co-author keeps asking and then keeps trying to answer.

As does Linda the Agent. We are sitting in Linda’s office surrounded by all of the books that she represents. Maybe one day - mine will have a cover and be sitting on the shelves. But there is a long way to go from here to there. And Anne has that stern expression that she gets on her face when she wants me to "get" something.

"Pamela - people are going to want to know what it is that has allowed you to do what you did. You see - most people would have found your life pretty big and exciting as it was. You founded a national organization - and all of that"

Linda is nodding her head in agreement, ready to chime in. I count in my head "one, two, three" and then....

"I agree Anne. For most people what Pamela had in her life would have been exciting enough."

Linda lobs to Anne - Anne picks up the ball. "Pam, most people would not go from ‘Oh! Ricky has had an experience with sensual massage - I am going to approach gay men on an internet hook up site and see what fun I can stir up!’"

Well - it wasn’t quite like that. I started with regular internet searches first.

It is almost like we are engaged in some kind of literary psychoanalysis. I have always been a person that decides to jump into something and then deal with the consequences later. Perhaps that is what has made me so incredibly resilient. Hell - my father was a jumper! He took all of us to Italy one summer when I was about seven years old and my mother tells me that he didn’t even have a job!

He was out there pitching - trying to create something - and he smelled something in Italy. We had a fabulous time. I was also a child of eviction - sometimes my father could not pull it all off. Sometimes he gambled and lost. And out of his loss - I had to create some kind of livable reality in a neighborhood that was not my own that was full of isolation. So at thirteen I put an ad in "Arabian Horse World Magazine" and got myself a job in Oceola, PA about seven hours from home.

Did I know what I was doing? Not a clue. But I did it and had an adventure in that was absolutely mixed, complicated, messy and full of fun and new experiences that not many 13 year old girls have today with their "helicopter mothers", cell phones, email, and constant supervision from parents.

Look, there is a cost to everything. There are people who study something their entire lives, mapping everything out before taking a journey. Their trips may be calmer than mine, but the downside is that sometimes they never get to their journey. I am the other end of that spectrum. I get the idea - and tend to put action behind my impulses before the ink gets dry in my synapses. And sometimes I fall on my ass in a big loud and painful way. I always believe that whatever I am doing is all good. That I have it figured out - I may be aware what the downfalls are, and I try to prepare for them all. It’s just that when you are a sky dancer - sometimes you can fall through the clouds.

And yeah - sometimes I bleed. But there is an engine inside of me that just restarts. And I limp along a while until I am better and onto the next thing. Perhaps, I am my father’s daughter. But he dropped dead at 54 in an airport in Germany. I don't want to pay that kind of price.

He died after a last phone call with my Mother from a pay phone at the airport. He was talking about us kids. First he talked about my older brother Mark, then Tracey and when get got to me he said "Pammy? That is the one that I never worry about. That one will be just fine."

Feeling Sexually Bored? Maybe a Little Numb?

Once upon a time, I felt sexually discarded - almost numb. I didn't feel like anyone noticed me anymore as a sexual being. I was a lot of things, a wife, mother, worker-bee, daughter, sister and general good doer! But a sexually being? A hottie? A Head turner? Not so much! And I once was! What happened? Maybe it was the baby weight - or my life obligations, or monogamy. I didn't know - but I had stopped looking in the mirror and I didn't see myself reflected back in the eyes of men anymore. I felt like nobody saw me as a sexual being anymore - and I think that perhaps that is because I stopped seeing myself as a sexual being. The fact is that I was not unattractive. I was perhaps a little too plump by societies standards, but I was not un-kempt or unattractive. But I had lost the swing to my hips.

The good news? I got it back - in spades in my forties and even wrote a book about it! And now at fifty, I am now owning my sexuality in ways that I don't think that I had a clue about in my 20's and 30's. For me - my forties were a time of reawakening and reclaiming my sexually discarded self. And you can do it too, even if you think it is not possible. There are lots of ways to get your sexual mojo back and reclaim your sexuality. I don't mean to sound like a twisted soccer mom here - but I believe that your pleasure is not only important - but it is a vital life force that deserves to be nutured. And the reclaiming of your sexual pleasure will not only bring joy back to your life - but to those around you! You know that old saying - "If mama isn't happy - nobody is happy!"

So - take a few steps to help reclaim your sexuality from the trash bin!

1. Make time for pleasure. If you don't put the oxygen mask over your face first - you can't help others. So make time for yourself. Put yourself at the top of the totem pole. It's not selfish - it is necessary.

2. Reach for some help! There are some fabulous products on the market that can give your sexuality a reboot! I love Zestra for women! It's an arousal gel. And there have been times when it has really helped me shake things up at home.

3. Be compassionate to yourself. Know that you are not alone. Other people are searching for answers too. Talk to your friends. What are they doing to help themselves recharge their batteries? You might be surprised if you open up the conversation! Sharing tips with friends will make you laugh and open your eyes to new possibilities.

4. Create intimacy with yourself. What can you do to remove the barriers to pleasure in your life? I think that learning to see ourselves with new eyes can change how the world sees us.

I believe that our sexuality is self renewing with no expiration dates. You can recharge, reboot and recycle! It's there - waiting for you.

Do You Worry About Orgasms?

When New York Magazine's Daily Intel picked up my Psychology Today blog - "What is An Organic Orgasm?" exploring my thoughts on expanding pleasure in our sexuality by being less goal orientated in the bedroom in their piece called "House of Un- American Orgasms" - I almost fell off my chair. The point of my blog was to create an invitation to the reader to explore something that is perhaps a new idea for some people in their sexing - either with a partner or by themselves - and that is to try on slowing down. Many men and women have a varying levels of performance anxiety around their orgasms and the orgasm of their partner. Some of us feel that if we don't achieve orgasm in each and every sexual encounter that we have something wrong with us. This can create a very unsexy- sexual anxiety, which of course, is not going to bring anyone pleasure.

"Orgasm Anxiety" increases our stress, adds to worry - and can take us out of our bodies and into our heads - which of course will make climaxing more difficult and less enjoyable. According to my friends over at The Pleasure Mechanics , "Anxiety about orgasm is a leading cause of erectile issues in men - the ability to relax and focus on sensation is essential for both male and female arousal." I couldn't have said it better myself!

When I talk about "Organic Orgasms" or even dip my big toe into the world of "Slow Sex" what I am inviting us to do is to simply enjoy the pleasure of touch and sexual intimacy. How playful can you be with yourself, and with your partner? What sensations have you explored lately? There are so many different types of sensations that can happen for us during sexual arousal and through the very human experience of sexual intimacy - whether we are using sex toys, vibrators, arousal gels, fingers, mouths, or our genitals.

No one is suggesting that we give up orgasm! Instead - I am creating the invitation to savor it all. And if can let go of the anxiety of goal oriented pleasure - what we may find is that our climaxes (orgasms) may become even more amazing, delicious, and earth shattering than ever before!

When it comes to sexuality - there are few rules outside of safe, sane and consensual. For me - it's about simply being Shameless.

Look Out World: I Am Coming Out!

I really feel like I am coming out.  But what am I coming out as? If I was to sum it up - I would say that I am coming out as an integrated woman. Once upon a time - I didn't integrate my life. Because women are never actually encouraged to do this. We are expected to be one thing or another. We are either "professionals,"  "homemakers", "Madonnas or Whores". But I have decided to stand up for having an integrated life. It's not easy and it is already making some people uncomfortable.

I am out there swinging for the woman that wants to have a professional life, and still have a family.  And What if being a successful lawyer didn't mean that you could still also be around to cook for your family if that pleased you? What if you could be wearing sexy lacy panties under your business suit - and was meeting your lover for some fabulous sexual adventure after work?  I think that if women allowed themselves to truly embrace all that is possible - they would really have so much more!

Isn't this what we have been saying with the introduction of egg freezing? That it is okay to freeze your eggs now - and have your children later while you were figuring the rest of your life out? That you didn't have to choose? That everything could happen in it's own good time and that women could integrate their lives as they saw fit?

Could we actually be mothers, madonnas, workers and sexual beings all at the same time?  Perhaps the bigger question is will society know how to wrap their arms around us wants woman truly embrace all of their possibilities.

I am still fascinated with that damn study where scientists  hooked up women to machines to look at their sexual response - and their bodies register a response to the visual stimulation but the woman's mind did not.  What is going on? How do we help women connect these dots? There is something incredibley broken in that - and I want to help fix it.

I think that we are getting closer to putting the pieces together. But we will never get there if a woman's sexuality is still used to punish her. And even today - it is in so many ways. Well - I am coming out. I know that there will be stones - that my sexuality will make a lot of people uncomfortable - but there is always one penguin that jumps in the water to let the other penguins know that it is safe to swim.  Watch me jump! And I hope that I inspire you to take a look at your own life.

Look - times are changing! It is safer than it used to be for women  to live fully integrated lives - after all - I could never have found such a prestigious publisher such as Rodale Press to take on my memoir Shameless in another time. A publisher would have been too frightened to break open that particular egg.

But women are still persecuted today for being sexual beings. And when you are a woman about to come out in a big way - it is good to know this.  I hope that you will read my memoir Shameless.  I hope to make you laugh - inspire you to take a look at your own life - and see that anything is possible for a woman today if she decides to take the time for give it to herself.  I am looking forward to talking to you about my story - and hearing yours. On January 18th - the conversation will truly open across this country about women and sexuality. We will be talking about a lot of possibilities that no one really brought to the public stage before in a real way.  I am coming out. I am terrified. But I truly believe that we can  live in full color and have integrated lives.

Nothing is stopping us but a little bit of fear - and concern about whether or not you will be taken seriously if you dare be all of the parts of you.  Dare!

A Shameless Family

About a little over a year ago - I took my 21 year old son known as "Andrew" in my memoir SHAMELESS to lunch.  We went to the diner - where the old people and the young mother's with their little kids eat. It's called - "Blue Bay" - and it has been there since the year of the flood. I ate there when I was pregnant and it was one of my son's  first dining experiences.
"Mom - you look so sad lately. So beaten. What is up with that?"

"Oh Andrew. I am just so done - and a little scared.  Done with worrying about being "found out" - done with having to feel that a part of my life is a secret life - done with all of it. I hate secrets and I hate that people think that they can "out" me.  And out me for what? Living my life fully and without shame?  Sometimes, people are just plain mean.  And now I am doing this book - telling my story - and I really believe that it is going to happen that I am going to get it published -   and once again - it is going to take a tremendous amount of  courage because there are very few people that talk as honestly as I do about sex - and desire.
There will be no more secrets - or at least very few! Coming out and telling my story - and wondering how the world will welcome me. The risks to my career that anyone faces -  anytime that they talk openly in this country about sexuality. Honey - you know that  it has come already with costs. Sometimes I feel like I have failed you - in my desire to talk about all of what has happened in my life.  It is daunting sometimes - that is what you see in my face. What if I fail and I ruin it all for us?"
Andrew looks at me - and says "Ever tried. Ever Failed. No Matter. Try Again. Fail Better.- That is by Samuel Beckett".
My son reaches for my hand across the table and smiles at me. "Come on Mom....fail better this time!"
No mother could love a son more.
The publication date is January 18th, 2011. We are a Shameless family and we are going to fail better together!

Are You Willing To "Be Seen" As a Sexual Being?

"Being Seen" has always been a really huge issue for me.  I have always wanted to be seen - and I have always lived in fear of the judgment that would follow if anyone truly saw the real me. And who was the real me anyway? I wasn't too clear about that either! There are so many aspects of my life - where I am obviously seen a lot. I am seen as a Fertility Advocate, a Blogger, a "Founder" and a daughter, wife, mother, sister and friend.  I am very busy in in the world of social media - and you can friend me on Facebook or follow my tweets. You would think that I have no problem at all with "Being Seen" - with  such a big mouth! But that is not what I am talking about....I am talking about being seen as a sexual, erotic being.  For years - that part of me was completely invisible.  And I chronicle my journey from being sexually invisible to being brave enough to be seen as an erotic being in my memoir, SHAMELESS - just as I was then and just as I am now.

It's a long, story - one that I am not going to go into now - but just for argument sake - have you read those articles about buying sexy lingerie "Just for You".  Those women magazine pieces that suggest that you should go buy those sexy pull up stocking and put them on so that only you know how hot you are? These pieces are meant to inspire ourselves into feeling sexy from the inside out - and it does help. I have done that - and it can be very delicious to walk into a buttoned up business meeting and know that you are wearing a rhinestone bra.....but that is not what I am talking about. Many women are willing to buy the sexy and keep it private and under wraps. Some never even wear it for the partners.

What if you allowed yourself to be seen wearing the sexy? What about being photographed? Have you ever thought of that? How scary would that be? How delicious would that be? Just think about it....

I went from a woman that wouldn't look at myself below the neck line to a lady who loves to put on sexy lingerie for the camera! Now how did that happen? And trust me on this - my size hasn't changed all that much through the years. I am still a handful!

But there was incredible power for me - as a woman - to allow myself to express who I was out loud in living color as a sexual being through my clothing. And once I realized that I could not only feel good in silk - but look good enough  too - I began to get braver about allowing myself the pleasure of prancing in my costumes! First for my husband , then  for the camera.

Some how it was the act of being seen that really helped me in coming  alive as a feminine being. It was as if  posing like a sex goddess gave me the courage to be that sex goddess.  Maybe it was the encouragement of the photographer. I just don't know. But there I was showing up and playing the part of the calendar girl.  And then - some how - I wasn't playing the part anymore. I became the calendar girl!

I didn't need to hide my body - my size 14 frame - my less than perfect anything! It was like a proclamation to myself - and to the world to  bring it on! It was as if the young sex kitten in my middle aged body was shouting "SEE ME".  I am just who I am and I am perfect in this "as is" container.

For me - there was and still is great healing in being seen simply as a desirable woman. It was a part of myself that I didn't believe in for so long.  And it is so good to finally come out - and offer you my eyes looking boldly back at you from my photographs.  Yes - this is me too.

No shame here!  Just a playful, sexy, fun woman who has finally found her skin.

My Shameless Raw Need

Sometimes - my need for touch and holding is so big that I can feel myself begin to go looking for all kinds of trouble to get into in my life - instead of getting what I really need. It's kind of like that Pink song when she sings about losing her husband so she decides that in order to feel better - "I think I am gonna start a fight!" It's not always so easy to get my needs met. And it has taken me a long time to understand these feelings - and I write about all of it in my memoir - SHAMELESS. Yet it all remains so interesting to me -  how I have learned to recognize my various types of hunger - and know that it has nothing to do with a bag of chips. I am not talking about traditional sex here. I know that is what everyone goes to - oh that Pamela - she really just needs a good you know what! But I hate to disappoint - that's not what I am wanting right now. I mean it could be - but it's not what I need right now.

Sometimes what I need - truly hunger for - is to be touched and held without any agenda at all. Most women - most people don't have any idea what I am talking about. I am talking about having someone hold you - and touch you without their needs being imposed onto your needs. Letting the time together be just about the receiver without having to meet the needs of the giver.  Most of us are only touched when there is need on behalf of the giver....and we receive their need - and then get ignited to dance with with them. In fact that is the traditional model of female sexuality. We are the receivers of need - and learn to take our pleasure that way.

Well - that's not what I am needing right now. Right now - I am needing something completely different.