When I was sixteen I wanted to be a writer. This desire led me to become an editorial intern at "The Village Voice". I answered the phones - and opened unsolicited manuscripts. I read them - and if I liked them - I passed them along to the editors. Pretty scary huh? Your precious manuscript in the hands of a sixteen year old girl? I traveled everyday from Long Island, to Manhattan - I felt very sophisticated. I rode the Long Island Rail Road, sometimes with my dad on his way to work. I bought coffee and croissants every morning. I remember how delicious they tasted. I had only known from bagels and Wonder Bread.
I had never bought breakfast before like that....this was the days before Starbucks and Peets. People didn’t do that on a regular basis - at least not in Great Neck in 1976. I ate at my desk. It was very sophisticated and grown up. I loved it. Every morning I was filled with desire as I made my way to The Village Voice. It was all possibility. The job itself was rather boring - it was all the things around the job that I loved. Being at The Village Voice - being in Manhattan - eating croissants that left butter on my finger tips, and buying coffee.
In many ways, my desire has created so much goodness for my life. My desire to figure out my sexuality and not to be silenced led to my book. And I am having an incredibly good time launching it into the world. Sometimes the details around all of it isn't that exciting - but boy oh boy are there moments! I cannot tell you how much fun I had taking that calendar shot! Everyone should do that just once! Play at being a pin up! It was kind of like licking that butter off of my fingers. Not my everyday life - and so totally delicious! I want to do it again!
The Universe has been generous to me. And I am grateful for that generosity. Even when I have fallen down hard - the Universe coupled with my own resilience and desire - has picked me up again.
But like everybody else - I have moments of feeling my desire slipping away. And every time that happens - it makes me nervous. I just watched a terrible movie called "My Zinc Bed" - I don’t recommend it - it was about drinking and addiction. The skeptic about AA said to the man committed to AA - "You are not cured. If you were cured - you would have no desire - and who would want to be cured of desire?"
I guess that is where I am landing now. I have no wish to be cured of desire. Desire makes me howl at the moon. Desire drives my heart - and moves my spirit. Desire fuels me. I have built a life out of my desires - from my desire to have children to my desire to be heard as a woman. Perhaps, when we feel our desire ebb and flow it is a sign that it is simply time to think about opening to new desires and allowing our desires to shift without judging it.
When I get like that - I ask myself to to open wider - and see what might flow in.
My in laws bought an Recreational Vehicle. It is an over sized van. They call it a stealth RV - because it can go anywhere and people don’t know that you are camping. It has a kitchen, bathroom, bed, and shower. I feel desire for that. Sometimes, I think that it would be incredible to just run away. Leave it all behind. Go on some fabulous adventure! To simply go where ever I wanted in the country. To meet new people - to explore - and to taste it all on so many different levels.
And then it occurred to me, that perhaps while I am not in an RV - that in so many ways - this was the life that I was now living. A life where adventure is possible - where I am meeting new people through sharing my story. If we allow ourselves to look at what the world offers us - often we get us our desires - not just in the packages that we expect them in. We just have to open our hearts and let it all in.
So this year, what I want more than anything is not to be cured of desire. I want to dance this year in the Red Wood Forrest to drums - I don’t know how - but I will. I will float in the water again at Harbin Springs - I will continue to feel my own body pulse with sexuality and abandon. I will love more - and without fear of not being loved back. I want to continue to write. And I want to give up my fear of telling my story. Ah sweet Desire....So this year I will "Work like I don’t need the money - I will love as if I have not felt hurt - and I will dance like nobody is watching". This year - I will light the flame under desire yet again.
Won’t you join me? And what will you do to stoke your desire?