Zestra

The Not So Secret Pleasures of a New Sex Toy

I don’t consider myself a “Sex Blogger” even though I am sex positive and write about sex a lot! After all, I am a sex and relationship coach! But somehow,  I don’t often do “Sex Toy” reviews – or share my personal sexual experiences, except perhaps in my book Shameless! Oh yes – there are exceptions to every rule!  And rules are made to be broken - right? Like my personal addiction to the sex toy, the Hitachi Wand.  To me – and thousands of others, who use vibrators in their sex lives (alone or as a couple) – the Hitachi Wand was the most dependable toy around.

I have used others – because I know that self pleasuring (masturbating) with the same sex toy all time is not always the best way to achieve or heighten sexual pleasure. But try and try again – I never hit another vibrator that worked for me like the old wand – and I got tired of throwing good money at toys that didn’t  how shall we say – hit the spot?

And then I met Jimmyjane’s Form 2 one of the rock stars in the “Pleasure to The People” line.  Form 2 a little discreet vibrator that took the form perhaps of a small bunny face (nothing like the famous vibrator toy – the rabbit!).   It is all about the little ears or if you like-  the two amazing fingers! What does it look like to you?

The designers call it “LITTLE PERKY” (suggesting that we call Form 2 whatever we would like – I call it magnificent! I had little to no expectations for it – it was so small. How could little Form 2 bring me to orgasmic  bliss?  I could wax poetic about the delicate vibrations that reminded me of a lovers fingers which special abilities.  Or the how the double prong (ears) worked together or separately!  All I know is that I have a new friend in my bed room drawer - ight next to my  Zestra!  Put those two together – and call me in the morning!

Sexual Desire is Like a Flower! It Grows When You Water It!

"If you don't use it...you lose it". Have you ever heard that phrase? How about "The more you get - the more you want?" Have you noticed that the word "insatiable" goes so well with the word "desire"? Almost like peanut butter and jelly!

There have been times in my own sexual awakening that I started to feel that exploring my sexuality is like that old saying about eating Chinese food. You can have a delicious meal and twenty minutes later you are hungry again!

Maybe I am exaggerating just a little, but I do think that if you do not stir the pot of your sexual being - you can become dormant just like a hibernating bear. Have you ever seen a hibernating bear on one of those nature shows after he wakes up? Just like the bear - once you wake up and begin to feed yourself - you can find that your hunger is extraordinary. And that hunger can be quite unsettling. How do we manage our hunger?

I love to talk about us "waking up your sleeping beauty!" And what I mean by that - is reawakening our sexual selves. But what happens when Beauty wakes up and the Prince is snoring? Or there is no Prince? How does Beauty feed herself? And don't take my metaphor too literally this can apply to men too!

I have been steeped in desire lately - I have a Shameless Life Coaching practice - and one of my clients is a lovely woman who I am going to call "Gena". Gena is in her forties and has two kids, runs her own business and after reading my book Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time To Cook Dinner began to explore her own sexuality by working with me and a Certified Sexological Bodyworker.

Guess what happened? Her inner "Sleeping Beauty" woke up! WoooHoooo! Fantastic! Well, actually feeling our newly found sexual awakening can sometimes be uncomfortable.

Once we start exploring what we desire, figure out how desire looks for us and how to reach for them - things can really heat up for us in our lives! Gena recently said to me...

"Speaking of desire I have a subject that I hope to get feedback about. I have a terrible time focusing on the requirements of my daily life. Since I started do deeply explore this part of myself - I have become so focused on sex! I have a business to run, friends, kids, parents, etc.

I crave all that goes with this quest. Following discussion groups, reading, watching videos, having more experiences, experimenting with Zestra and other ways of exploring my own sexuality for myself. And all of this learning, all seem to tug at me when I really should be working or doing the more routine, and often less fulfilling parts of my life. I don't feel comfortable sharing much of this with anyone in my immediate circle, which is obviously a problem I have to work on. I desire comfort in this new found joy. I'm unsettled. Like I'm waiting for something. It's hard to sit with the pleasure and happiness I experience in increasing amounts as I learn and incorporate more of the eroticism and deep excitement I often feel. Maybe that's it. Too much excitement for everyday pursuits.

How do other people deal with this? What do you do with an inability to satisfy yourself, in a complete, overall way? It seems like no matter what I experience I still have insatiable desire for more".

I don't think that Gena is alone. After we starve ourselves - and then taste food for the first time in a long time - it can be pretty overwhelming. The good news is that if we continue to feed ourselves our lives can become more balanced and we can kind up in a much better place.

What I have found is that it comes in waves. This insatiable need for more is always strongest in the beginning of ending sensual deep sleep.

Again, I liken it to survivors of famine who for a while after they are rescued hoard food or cannot stop eating. So many of us are starving in our bodies for sensual pleasure and a fully healthy integrated life.

It's just that sometimes we don't know our hunger until we jump start our bodies and come out of hibernation. And then the food tastes so sweet and our bodies just cannot get enough because we went too long without feeding it.

My suggestion is to everyone who is just beginning to wake up again sexually is to notice your hunger. I am noticing mine, and as you are able to - feed yourself. Perhaps you need a little more right now - then let your body have it. Reassure your body that you will not take this away from yourself ever again - that it IS available.

If you can afford it, explore taking a workshop and indulge yourself a bit. Look for new ways to feed and explore your own sexuality. Pleasure and sexuality can be found in so many things! Use your new found sexual energy to channel your creativity! Painting, taking up photography, cooking, dancing and yoga are all great ways to continue to explore and use your nearly emerging sexual energy.

Feeding yourself can be buying long black stockings and wearing them just for yourself! I have begun to buy beautiful bath products. I am addicted at the moment to LUSH. I give myself special long sexy baths .I acknowledge and feed my desire in different ways.

Please don't be frightened of your desires. Feed yourself in ways that reassures your body and your mind will be much more free to do what you need to do. Notice your desire. Do not judge it or decide that it is too much.

Consider seeing and feeling your desire as an indicator of your vitality! I often feel my desire in that way. I choose to feel that I am a beautiful sexual being in full bloom! When I feel my deep desire....I imagine myself as that flower after the rain and I allow myself to enjoy the feeling.

I believe that as our bodies learn that we will never go to sleep on ourselves again that we will become less agitated with all of these new feelings and we will become more fulfilled in how we live our daily lives. Sex is not an end point - it is an integral part of who we are.

For now, I have advised my client to eat freely and eat often. I am so glad that Gena woke up! And she is not alone. So many of us are finally acknowledging our desires, and wanting more for ourselves in this life. Feeling all of those feelings it isn't always comfortable especially in the beginning - but isn't it so much better than being asleep?

Taking The Right For Female Pleasure, Desire And Self Love On The Road

I am learning that female self acceptance, self love, and sexual pleasure  really freak some people out. I will go as far as to say that women reaching for what turns them on frightens some people - and really makes others angry.  And we wonder why women still struggle with self image? No matter what you see in commercials or the movies - being a sexy woman even in the Untied States can also mean a willingness to take it on the chin - and to stand  up for your sexy desires. It takes a determination of spirit and guts to know that you want to live your best life - no matter what. I think that is why I love the women who are bringing Zestra to market so much, Mary Wallace Jaensch and Rachel Braun Scherl. These women have had to fight their way through a mountain of people saying "No" to let women know about a simple, topical, organic arousal gel. You see - female arousal made the marketers nervous....you mean women could actual reach for their own pleasure? What might happen if the news of that came out? You mean it is possible for women to increase their sexual pleasure? Will they still get home in time to cook dinner?

You can see why Zestra was the perfect choice to be the Shameless Book Tour Sponsor! Now - what is Zestra you might ask? In case you haven't heard, it's an all-natural female arousal enhancer that you can buy over the counter and according to this "researcher," it works.

But like you  - I didn't know about Zestra for a long time - which isn't easy given that I am not shy.  I will walk into any drug store, sex shop and workshop that even hints at bringing out my inner ‘sex goddess.' I will talk about it with anyone who'll listen to me about how sexual pleasure can make you a nicer person and even heal lifelong issues. As someone recently put it, I'm "the living embodiment of the power of pleasure to transform one's life."

I've become so comfortable and playful with my healthy sexual side, my son rolls his eyes at my constant double entendres.  "Is everything a sex joke with you, Mom?"

Not everything. In fact, I take it very seriously. I do write about sexuality pretty much every day. I even chronicled my path to uncorking my sexual desire in my about to be published memoir, "Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home In Time To Cook Dinner" .   And I hope that you are going to want to read all about my funny, crazy, sexy out of the box journey.

So how could I not know about Zestra, something this YAHOO? It's simple. It's what I started to talk about earlier in this post.  It's not that I am paranoid - but folks - there's a conspiracy to keep a lid on women's sexual arousal and the truth about the ‘va-jayjay." I would use the anatomically correct "vagina" but there's ample evidence that that's a big no-no too. Let me explain.

I stumbled upon the little sample packet of Zestra buried in a goody bag freebie at a sex educator event, I was blown away. A little dab will do ya. Really. The magic topical potion had me giggling and craving my husband so badly that I was shouting for him to hurry up and get into bed. Just so you know, this doesn't happen every day.

But it could. That got me excited. Semprae Laboratories, the little pharma that I let into my panties, found the right blend of botanical oils that made me lie down and take notice. I blogged it all. Even though I never believed in drug-enhanced pleasure, I was wiling to make the Zestra exception.

I used my second packet to see if I could get that Zestra "rush" when it was just me and my vibrator. Oh yeah, baby. There were sensations that even intrepid me didn't know were possible.

Of course, being a well-mannered midlife sex goddess, I wanted to write a thank you note and post it on Zestra's FaceBook page (yes, I friended them). That's when I found out about the "controversy."

It seems that female arousal and anatomy is just too icky for major and even minor media to take perfectly good money for Zestra ads. Aren't we in a downturn? Why would anyone say no to ad revenue for something that actually puts a smile on people's faces without weight gain?

Oh, here comes that scary vagina again. We don't want that to get too excited. Who knows what might happen? In fact, CBSnews.com recently censored an article by Lissa Rankin, MD, a renowned Bay Area Ob-Gyn and author of What's Up Down There when she wrote a piece called "15 Curious Things You May Not Know About The Vagina." Apparently the 16th curious thing is that the vagina musn't have too much face time. The article was taken down within an hour.

The irony, of course, was that she was invited to write about the vagina after CBSnews.com had a blockbuster piece called "SPERM: 15 Crazy Things You Should Know." That's still up. Maybe with a little help from the little blue pill.

So what does this say to women? Not much that's useful and a lot that's confusing. We're jammed with messages that exhort us to be sexy but discourage us from being comfortable with our bodies. Heck, most of us can't even name our parts. How can we wake up to the power of pleasure when we're intentionally kept in the dark? This shouldn't have to be so hard.

So - I am taking Zestra with me on my 24 City  Shameless Book Tour - Of course I am.  How could I not? If the big ad networks are frightened to let you know about something that might increase your pleasure - well - I'm not. In fact if you come out to one of my readings, seminars or workshops - I will personally hand you a Zestra Sample!Or if you don't want to wait that long - jack into their website site - and you can get a SHAMELESS Discount in honor of the publication of my memoir! How is that for us women sticking together? Simply click on the Zestra Banner on my blog and put in the code featured there! You will get $5.00 bucks the 12 pack.

There is a double standard when it comes to women and pleasure. How about you join the fight to stop the double-standard in advertising? Madison Avenue has been using the vagina as a unspoken marketing tool for generations. How about they finally learn to say the name and, to quote Bob Dylan, "Get out of the road if you can't lend a hand."

The Divine Temple of Sensuous Bliss: The Massage Table

Yesterday I went to a breakfast sponsored by Zestra which is a woman's arousal gel that I have written about before. They had all of these sexperts at the breakfast there to talk to us writers, bloggers and reporters about female arousal, sexuality, desire and orgasm. I love that - so I went. During a presentation - one of the sexperts quoted a survey that stated when women were given the choice between sex and a massage - they picked the massage! The study results got the desired response - everyone laughed and groaned. But not me. First of all - I hated the question - I mean why do we have to pick between two incredibly pleasurable activities - and then have the answer be used as a  commentary? But I knew why the study was done - and I knew the answer before it was given that  women would pick the massage over sex - and that the  sexperts were using that answer to show the sorry state of female sexuality. But really - no disrespect intended here - neither the survey makers or the sexperts really got it.  But I did. I don't mean to be bratty here - but I simply didn't draw the same conclusions.

I understood why the women picked massage as their first choice - and it had nothing to do at all with the sorry state of female sexuality.  The answer was all about  being sex positive - not sex negative! We just have to be willing to open up our  minds a little bit about what constitutes a sensuous and satisfying embodied activity! What was missing from the understanding of the survey makers - and perhaps even from the sexperts who used this study as an example of women not wanting sex -  was that massage - even traditional massage - is a very sensuous and pleasurable activity that allows us to feel touch for a very extended amount of time without doing anything back!  The most traditional of massage experiences allows women to go  deeply into their bodies  - and receive  sensuous pleasure - that is all about them!

Most women don't get the opportunity to do this. To simply - get naked,  lie on a table and allow someone to touch them in a non erotic - yet sensuous safe way that gives pleasure for an extended amount of time. It is positively delicious - and for many women - this experience is  not as available as traditional sex.  So of course they picked massage over sex in the ill conceived  survey.  Women are not stupid!

It was a funny coincidence - but yesterday I also received an incredible massage  and I was again reminded of the spectacular  healing and delicious pleasure  that can happen on the massage table.  Yes - pleasure - pure and simple. Healing pleasure. And in my mind - in my experience - pleasure is not only healing - it is  transformational.

It had been a long time since I had climbed aboard a massage table and simply - magnificently - divinely - received one way healing touch. Oh - I have made lots of reasons why I haven't gone. There is the money - the time - and the fact that every once in a while - even I - the great SHAMELESS wonder has moments of body shame. So I deny myself what I know to be one of the most healing, restorative, regenerative , and pleasurable activities that I can think of - and that is receiving a massage.

But John Ellsworth, an old friend and one of the most talented massage therapists I know - offered me a massage as an early birthday present. I almost didn't go - after all - I am a very busy lady! I have so much to do! There are families to build in my fertility work, blogs to write and a book to promote! There are dinners to cook - and an apartment to clean! I could go all day and not finish all of the things that I need to do. But I stopped - and I went after work - and it was such an important reminder that receiving massage is one of the most important things that I can make time for to keep myself ticking.

I know that there can be  a lot of discomfort in recognizing and having a massage - something that we pay for - as something other than a therapeutic activity that we engage in because we have a bad back - or a pulled shoulder - or as a way for us to keep our muscles in shape as athletes.  Not many people are willing to say that they embrace massage as a way to give themselves pleasure. We are a pleasure denied society - that talks about pleasure a lot - and then puts a lot of taboos around it.  And anything that has nudity, touch and possibly money involved in it  - we have to put lots and lots of boundaries around - so that other  people will know that we are engaging in the activity for "medical purposes".

We don't want anyone to think - that possibly we are doing this for pleasure's sake only!

So let me help out on this one.  Pleasure is important. Pleasure can change your life. Sensuous pleasure is healing and feels great! Traditional non-erotic  massage is an incredible tool for getting reconnected with the power of pleasure that we can all have in our own bodies - and yes  - if it helps you justify the experience - it is healing!  And we don't have to do anything to receive this but show up and climb on the table.

I left John's studio feeling transformed after 90 minutes of pure pleasure that didn't involve sex  - but was just as delicious.

Thank you John for the reminder - and the women in the study were no dummies!