Walking

Facing My Fears: A Little Back Story

Deciding to make a commitment to myself, to a year of rejuvenation in public, feels both exciting and daunting. What if I fall miserably? Let's start with weight loss. All of my past attempts at formal boot camps of self deprivation and exercise has been mostly miserable failures. My only success happened when I was wasn’t really trying during my Shameless Journey when I found out that what I was really missing, was living a sexually integrated and whole life. It was on and off a massage table, that the pounds slipped away because I was finally feeding myself what I really needed which was sensual touch that was all about me.

And so, I went from being a plus size two, to a mere “Large” or a size 14/16. And that is where my body stayed.

Frankly, I am not miserable at all at this current weight even if it is bigger than some. The mountain of flesh that I hid behind had melted into curves and valleys. I feel pretty damn sexy.

But when I think back to the body that I once had, way back before I had kids, I kind of feel cheated. I had no idea how physically beautiful I was in my younger years - but it didn't matter. I didn't feel hot at all. In fact, I didn't even feel warm. Introduce the expression "Youth is wasted on the young". Right now I so get that!

Now switch up the conversation from my cliche to the next! You know the expression,"If you don’t have your health – you don’t have anything?"

Well, hyper-tension¸acid and non acid reflux and a stomach that is not empty properly is now creating major health problems that are starting to get in the way of my new found “hotness" in the imperfectly perfect skin I am in.

It is hard to feel really sexy in the middle of a dinner when you are choking on your steak! I had to do something – and I really didn’t know what.

I started where most of us start when we are in the midst of a health crisis – I googled my symptoms and I didn’t like what I had to read. Apparently, the diet Coke that was my mainstay may have actually contributed to the swallowing issues. I had to give up diet Coke? Really? And drink what? Water? Like from the sink?Everyone knew that plastic wasn't good for you either!

I was immediately unhappy. I loved my diet Coke, but in that moment I knew that I had popped my last can. Then it was off to the specialist. Guess what? More diets and more restrictions. I was given the GERD Diet. Now, how sexy was this? I was a hot smoking mama – and I was now on a GERD Diet?

What that meant is that I now unable to eat or had to deeply curtail my consumption of chocolate and red wine!

Okay – now they were talking sex food! Were they kidding? And my afternoon Starbucks latte? Gone. I had to lift the head of my bed so I didn’t die in the middle of the night from reflux into my lungs, and I had to stop eating about three hours before bed. Fabulous – sign me up for the early bird special! Now…I must be honest – none of this was fitting with my hot, sexy, shameless image. I was starting to feel pulled down. And then came the clinker…I had to lose weight if I really wanted to get better. Apparently my belly fat that I had finally made peace  with was pushing on my stomach and making all of the health issues worse.

Diets have never worked for me. The doctor started to talk about putting a rubber band around my stomach to help me diet. That made me feel like an even bigger failure – but I started to consider it – and then rejected it again. People diet. People lose weight on their own – I was a smart girl – why couldn’t’ I see this as dieting in a completely new way. For the first time I was not going to dieting to look or feel sexy – I got that already. This was for my health. But I started to wonder about the changes in my body.

What about losing 40 pounds at 50? Wouldn’t I hang or sag? What was I going to be left with if on the off chance that I was successful? I became clear that if I was going to do this I was going to lose weight as the completion of my journey to a healthy second half of life that was filled with being sexuality alive.

Could I really do that for myself?

Let’s face it – I still had some body images – could I move past the rest of it?

But was dieting the only answer? The more I thought about this crusade, the more I thought about this being a year of rejuvenation.

What would I need to build a team to really bring in all the aspects of rejuvenation? Yoga? Walking? A Food Coach? Massage? Plastic Surgery? Vitamins? What would a total plan look like? The one thing I am clear about is that in order for me to be successful - I need a team! I started in two places....one obvious place - Weight Watchers. I felt main-stream and as if just the signing up for the program signaled doom and failure. What was I doing? Is this the food plan I want to be on? I am not sure - but it was cheap and easy and on line so I am a member.

And the not so obvious place is Dr. Bart Rademaker, the plastic surgeon. That I wrote about the other day. Dr. Rademaker specializes in regenerative plastic surgery.  And yesterday I got this done!

Tomorrow I will write about the cookies and the needles! And for now- I am trying to unwind the story for you as I face my fears - and begin the process.  I promise to share all the steps on the journey....

If Shameless was any indication - this is going to be one hell of a ride!