Sexual boredom

4 Tips On How To Change The Sexually Hungry Marriage

It can go like this: You want sex and your partner doesn't.  Or your partner wants sex and you don't.  Or it seems like neither one of you want sex and are more interested in watching NetFlicks. What's up with that? You know that you love each other and yet the idea of sex is just not that exciting and that seems somehow wrong. What then? The issues of sexual desire, unmet erotic needs, mismatched libidos, and the ravages of time in a long term relationship or marriage are among the most common rants of the sex unhappy. I know, not only because I work with hundreds of women who are living it right now, but because I have been a sex unhappy wife. I had the guts to do something about it, managed to stayed married (33 years this summer). Yes, I was a child bride.

Couples can become sex unhappy for so many reasons.  We have: mismatched time clocks, work pressures,  family pressures,  our sexual tastes can change over time including what turns us on, and married sex can fall into a boring routine. As my husband so clearly put it in an interview; "We knew exactly what was going to happen every time we had sex."  And then there is  self image; many men get concerned about their erections as they get older, and many women get sexually shut down by their relationship with their own bodies.  Illness can change our bodies and our sexual appetites: it can be a lot to deal with breast cancer or prostate cancer and face some very real shifts in how we function in our bodies erotically.  One thing is for sure, the sex unhappy marriage is a painful place to hang out in.

As a sex unhappy survivor, I think it's important to understand that it's normal for sexual desire to wane a bit in long-term relationship. I don't think people are always honest when they participate in surveys about how often they have sex and that creates a feeling that “something must be wrong with us”.  People don't want other people to know what is going on in their bedrooms. It's scary. They worry about being judged, or that they or their relationship is somehow broken.

As a sex coach, I personally think there is a lot more to marriage than sex—but that sex is still an important part of marriage. The fact is, my husband and I have a beautiful marriage. We are life partners. And we don't have sex twice a week. Sometimes a months goes by. It's true. And I have other outlets for my sexual expression. I have cultivated that - and have helped other women cultivate that as well. But that doesn't mean that we are not physically affectionate with each other every single day. We hug, hold hands, kiss, cuddle, and sleep spooning around each others bodies. We communicate openly about our desires, even the parts of our sexual desires that simply don't match up. We have figured out a solution to make room in our marriage for all of it in a way that works for us. I am no longer a sexually unhappy wife, and I have my husband to thank for that. A part of that is not what he gives me directly—but how he allows me to be in the world.

Being sexual with each other is a choice.  And you need to be willing to put aside time, and attention for each other. This is all about doing something different and breaking the pattern that you are in. If you have reached a place in your relationship where you are ready to try on making a change from sexually hungry to sexually satisfied: I have some tips!

1: What is true is that we talk a lot about sex—but rarely to the person that we are having sex with. Having the sex talk, especially if you are unhappy, is probably the most vulnerable conversation a couple can have. Often we feel shut down around the sex conversation because we worry that our partner won't accept our true desires, or worse—that they will judge us or leave us. Just do it. Sit down and open the conversation with your partner.  Have a sex inquiry with them. Ask questions such as "What would you like that you are not getting?"

2.  Talk honestly about being sexually bored. It happens! Honestly, sexual boredom is one of the biggest reason we stop having sex with each other!  Perhaps it's time to take your sexuality with your partner out of the bedroom. And let's be clear, I'm talking about way more than having sex on the kitchen counter (even though that can be fun!). It may be time for a "SexPloration Vacation".   Have you ever taken a sexuality workshop together?  Or planned a private couple's sexuality retreat with sexuality experts? Here's the thing, no one really teaches us how to touch, speak our desires, and play erotically. Most of us learned about sex being quiet and quick. It was about shame, not getting pregnant or caught or catching an STD. Even if your sexuality evolved with more sexual freedom than that - most of us never learn to play erotically.  Everyone needs to shake off the sexual cobwebs from our relationship.  Trust me, you're not going to do this by reading a book or simply wishing for something different. You actually need to take action and that could take some courage, time and money.  It's so worth it.

3. Stop thinking about intercourse and put the focus on outercourse. Buy a massage table! Learn about giving and receiving erotic massage to each other! Really! I do this with all of the couples that I work with - and it's a winner! Putting your attention on each other on a massage table is a brand new experience for many people. And with some creativity the massage table can become a brand new sex toy in your home!

4. Play sex games that involve asking each other questions! There are many sex games on the market that invite communication and playfulness. Explore them.

Have the courage to do something different. Sometimes you just have to lean into your fear and do it. I did it. And trust me, my little adventure into becoming sexually whole is not ordinary.  Still, the world didn't fall apart. My husband didn't leave me. There was a little drama and a few tears, and the conversation about our sex life is ongoing.

You can have a sex happy marriage even in a long term one. It takes a lot of vulnerability, less talk about being unhappy and more action into changing your situation! And remember, sex is like our economy. It has its ups and downs—but that doesn't mean you can't be in it for a very happy and fulfilling lifetime.

Fifty Shades of Relationship: 8 Tips on Keeping it Hot and Together

I'm not just a sex expert, I've been"happily enough" married for 30 years. That's no small achievement and I'm happy to wear the merit badge. I also live an out of the box life erotically  and support others to evolve their own sexuality on their own and in their long term romantic relationships.  Recently, someone called me a "Marriage Whisperer" but we don't have to whisper. Let's face it, after you say "I do", you evolve.  If you don't evolve in your own life, you dry up and emotionally deaden. A sexual numbness can creep in like the fog on a San Francisco morning.  How can a person who is living an evolutionarily life expect their relationship to stay the same? Marriages, romantic relationships and live in partnerships need to shift and transform too other wise they fracture and die. I think that's the biggest reason for the  high split up rate in the United States.  Somehow, we think that if our relationship can't stay as it was when we agreed to "Happily ever after" that it's broken and it's time to move on.  Here's the thing, most likely you will confront the same issues again and again.

So how do you evolve and keep it hot and sexy in a relationship, marriage or long term partnership?

1. Commit to owning your own sexuality.  Have you really thought about what you want erotically in your own life? Do you have it? What has changed for you since you entered your relationship? It's crucial to do your own work. I have worked with countless women who have told me that they have never had an orgasm alone or with their partner.  Believe it or not, learning to access your shifting sexuality is often work best done at first without your partner!  Our sexual persona can sometimes get trapped in our relationship dynamics. Separating who you are sexually from how you engage with your partner is often the first crucial step.

2. Practice being sexual.  That's right, go flaunt yourself.  Wear clothing that makes you feel sexy.  Walk like you mean it. Go dancing. Read sexy books.  Touch your own body.  Change your look.

3.  Confront the fact that you might be sexually bored.  Honestly, sexual boredom is one of the biggest reason's relationships fail. Perhaps it's time to take your sexuality with your partner out of the bedroom. And let's be clear, I'm talking about way more than having sex on the kitchen counter (even though that can be fun!). It may be time for a "SexPloration Vacation".   Have you ever taken a sexuality workshop together?  Or planned a private couple's sexuality retreat with sexuality experts? Here's the thing, no one really teaches us how to touch, speak our desires, and play erotically. Most of us learned about sex being quiet and quick. It was about shame, not getting pregnant or caught or catching an STD. Even if your sexuality evolved with more sexual freedom than that - most of us never learn to play erotically.  Everyone needs to shake off the sexual cobwebs from our relationship.  Trust me, you're not going to do this by reading a book or simply wishing for something different. You actually need to take action and that could take some courage, time and money.  It's so worth it.

4. Compliment your partner.  When was the last time you told your partner that they did a great job giving you pleasure? Kindness and encouragement go a long way.

5.  When was the last time you brought something new to bed? That's right; I am talking sex toys. Take your partner on a desire tour. Plan a date around inviting something new and sexy into your relationship. There are so many new and exciting sex toys on the market. Grown ups like new toys too; buy one!

6.  Get real. When was the last time you and your partner actually talked about your sex life? Do it.

7.  It's only kinky the first time! What about sharing your sexual fantasies with your partner? This tip goes well with tip number 6.  And don't get discouraged if your first "kinky" experiment doesn't go well. Try again. We need to practice being sexual and trying new things! And consider doing something different that is just for your partner. Maybe you are not "into" being tied up but it doesn't freak you out and it really turns on your partner.  Maybe be willing to try it on for your partner if it is "neutral" for you.  Sometimes our kinks don't line up but they don't repulse us either.  Being able to offer your partner their sexual fantasy can be a great big turn on and can create an opening in your sexual relationship.

8.  Let the other person win the fight!  You don't always have to be right.  You know the expression: "Do you want to be happy or right?" Sometimes, it's worth it to let go of being right in favor of being sexy together.

 

Tips for Bringing "The Playful" Back Into "The Sexual"

Sometimes even sex educators can really caught up in our own brains.  We think, and we write, and we talk about sex a lot.  And frankly, sometimes we talk the sexy and the pleasure right out of sex!  And if you are like most people, you want to get out of your brains just for a little while, and you want to get into your bodies. You are yearning to laugh and to play. And you just can't remember the last time that you played with your sexuality.  When was the last time you did something different? Some people even put their noses up in the air and make groaning sounds at the very thought of being sexual with their partners or with even with their own bodies.

To truly experience what it is to have sexual freedom, we need to cultivate our erotic imagination.  For each of us, our sexual freedom and playfulness lies in our ability and willingness to create a sexuality of our very own. Forget normal.  In truth, what works for doctors and some psychotherapists putting the human experiences into boxes of normal and not normal does not always serve us when it comes to sexuality.

What if we were each invited to view our sexuality as a work of art, and I handed you a blank canvas that was the size of the biggest wall you had ever seen, and an endless supply of colorful paints, pencils and markers. What if I invited you to fill this tremendous blank canvas with your erotic desires? What if you felt truly free enough to create your very own sexuality without shame, judgement or inhibitions? What if I invited you to play in your sexuality?

The human erotic imagination may be one of the golden keys to having an extraordinary sex life.  So many of us are raised with a spoken and unspoken understanding of what is allowable when it comes to having sex.  We are raised with this idea of what is "normal' and "approved" and what is not.  Quite literally,  for many of us our erotic imagination get's shut down and we are left with a very short list of what is allowable for us in our expression of sexuality. Everything else is somehow made "taboo" or "dirty" or "not normal".

That leaves us with either filled with shame over desires that we may think are wrong, or we simply become numbed out to the possibilities.

For others, we may simply have not explored how to cultivate our erotic imagination.  So what makes up our erotic imagination? What are some tools to free up and explore our erotic imagination:

  • Sexual fantasy is a great starting ground.  Allowing ourselves to travel freely in our own mind and explore without shame or putting any labels of judgement around our sexual fantasies.
  • Reading erotica and romance novels can be a great place to put your erotic flint to stone.
  • Wandering through a sex toy shop can also be a great place to cultivate your erotic imagination. Walk around and handle the toys. Often there are books and videos to explore as well.
  • Explore the idea of sexuality being playful.  When we play we are free to get things wrong, experiment, try on different roles, laugh and even be foolish. What if we looked at sexuality as play?
  • Put on costumes.  And this idea is not just limited to women.  Erotic lingerie can be a wonderful tool to assist our erotic imaginations. I know men who put on superman boxer shorts to get into the mood.  Are they exploring their erotic imagination? I think so.
  • We can all cultivate our own erotic imagination and create a sexuality of our very own.  Let go of "normal" and invite in exploration and play.  The possibilities for sexual expression is as vast and limitless as the human mind. Come play.

Let's see if I can conjure up some a  few more ideas for bringing the playful back into your sexual.

Let's get started:

1. For couples for who bored, feel like there is nothing new to do with each other and are stuck in a rut. Here is my all time favorite game. I call it, "What's in Your Basket?"  This is a couple's game. Go into a sex toy store...or go on line and each person gets half an hour to put toys in their basket. Sometimes, "Showing" our desires and fantasies is SO much less scary than "Telling".

The couple meets up and they get to look into each others baskets. Oh la la!  I bet you will find things in each others basket that you had no idea they were interested in. Remember that when your beloved brings you their basket, they are bringing you an incredibly intimate and vulnerable part of themselves. Please receive the basket with as much love, and kindness as possible. You may be truly surprised and delighted by what is in the basket, and you might be blown away too! That's great!

Now, each person gets to pick three things from the other person's basket that they are willing to explore. This is where "Consent" and "Boundaries" come in. When you pick the items in your partner's basket you are only consenting to exploring the toy or fantasies that the toy represents. You are not consenting to do it. You are consenting to explore it. Talk about it and then decide how much you want to play. And you just might be a "Hell Yes"!  And you might be a "Maybe".  It's also really acceptable to be a "No".  The hope is that you can find three items in each others baskets that you can be either a "Hell Yes" or a "Maybe" too.

It's a great way to begin the conversation of "what turns my partner on" as well as opening new playful doors for the two of you to explore. And it's fun! Amazing openings and play has happened with this delicious heart opening game.  Enjoy the conversations and experiences. Go to dinner after and then go home to slowly explore and savor the play that will unfold.

2. For all of us: Do you have a secret sexual alter ego?  You now, the sexual person you might want to be if you didn't have any rules around who you had to be in your real life as a sexual being? Have you ever spent time with your sexual alter ego? Playing on line with your secret sexual alter ego can be a lot of fun. Some people write blogs, develop Facebook pages, join sexy on line communities such as "FetLife" in order to explore and play with their secret sexual altar ego.  It's called having a "Scene Name". Some people even going out and  buying clothing for this part of themselves, and will go out in cities or areas of their town where they are not known, and enjoy  being seen in this part of themselves that they normally wouldn't allow anyone to see them.  This can be a lot of fun and very playful.  This can also be a way of "Trying On" parts of yourself.

3. Do something really different. There are so many different kinds of retreats, trips, meet ups, and centers for sex positive explorations. Sex stores in your community may be running workshops. Go. Getting out and explore some of your edges.  They are waiting for you.

Do You Have Slut-Ish Interrupt-us?

It can happen at anytime - seemingly without warning.  One day, your stop reading hot erotica, looking for quiet alone time to self pleasure, and rather watch "Masters of Sex" than actually have sex.  You find yourself more interested in green juice cleansing, yoga and meditation than orgasm.  You may find it very confusing; after all you may have been the "IT" girl. You know, the girl who always wanted "IT".   Yes, you might have been "The Slut".  The woman that not only wanted sex, but you may have been the woman who sought out new experiences from threesomes, to bi-sexuality to live reenactments of "Fifty Shades of Gray".  Or you may just have loved sex within your fabulous monogamous marriage, and now you rather order in a pizza.

You are not alone.  You have "Slut-ish Interrupt-us" a term recently coined by the legendary sex educator and pleasure activist Carol Queen.

It happens.  And there is hope for all of us women who wonder where that hot woman went. She is not gone; she just may have had an estrogen dive in Peri-Menopause or Menopause. She may be busy with little children or recovering from a pregnancy or infertility. And quite frankly she may be bored.

Let's be clear, for women of "a certain age" which can happen anytime in our forties and land like a lead balloon in our fifties; the estrogen dive is not fun. Low estrogen can result in painful intercourse, lower libido and vaginal dryness: OUCH.  And you can see your gynecologist for solutions! And for women dealing with little kids and pregnancy; Slut-ish Interrupt-us can be helped by creating some space away from all we hold dear. but I think for all women who have left their beloved slut behind, a central cause can be boredom.

I think that sexual boredom is the most overlooked issue in Slut-ish Interrupt-us.

Do you have a "Pleasure Plan"? It’s an interesting question, isn’t it? I spend hours everyday “channeling the Goddess” in women, and sometimes their partners. What I have learned, is that everyone needs a “Pleasure Plan” and often that means reaching out of the box.  How do we feed ourselves pleasure? When was the last time you have given yourself something different?

My bet is that it has been a long time since you have invited your inner slut out to play and that is why you have simply crumbled and find found yourself in a very long season of discontent.

Screw that.  You remember what it was like: Right?

Do you want more pleasure, fun and adventure in your life? Then create the plan. Take out the calendar and start planning your own “Year of Pleasures”. Start a journal about it.  Start a Pleasure Plan Blog. How can you bring pleasure into your life?

It just doesn't look one way and to bring back your inner slut you may have to go digging into your 401K for pleasure. You are never too young or too old to transform your relationship with pleasure. How about declaring an end to Slut-us Interrupt-us?

Here are some possible starting places:

1. Consider doing taking on a sex coach or joining forces with a girlfriend. You will need support.

2. Layout your calender and your finances! Put aside a budget of time and money. Give generously to your plan. Your life will transform. Really, the new whatever can wait!

3. Consider taking a “Pleasure Retreat”. I try to have one every two months for an extended weekend. I plan for it. I pull every drop of pleasure out of that time. There is the pleasure of anticipation and planning, the actual event, and the after glow where I can roll it around in my mouth for weeks after! Go somewhere you have never been before. Figure out the food! What is your pleasure? Experiment. Your pleasure could be visiting gardens, it doesn’t have to be sex!

4. Explore workshops! There are lots of awesome workshops in the sexuality realm! Tantra anyone? Want to dance in a Red Tent? Explore coming Back to Your Body?

5.  Explore reading memoirs about other women who are in the midst of a nose dive.  Go "Eat Pray Love" and see how you can somehow create something like that in your life. Don't know what I am talking about? Read my book! Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner!

Face your life, and look to your desires, leave no path untaken.

The point is to make a plan. These are some ideas to get you started, and an offer of help. You don't have to wave good bye to those days of living a hot sexy life. You just have to wake yourself up.

So, do you have a “Pleasure Plan”? It’s an interesting question, isn’t it? I spend hours everyday “channeling the Goddess” in women, and sometimes their partners. What I have learned, is that everyone needs a “Pleasure Plan” and often that means reaching out of the box.  How do we feed ourselves pleasure? Perhaps it’s not the story book romance that we thought we would have in our lives. Or our marriage beds have cooled, or there isn’t a partner at all. Or maybe we just want something more or different? What then? Do we simply crumble and find ourselves in a very long season of discontent?

Screw that. Do you want more pleasure, fun and adventure in your life? Then create the plan. Take out the calendar and start planning your own “Year of Pleasures”. Start a journal about it.  Start a Pleasure Plan Blog. How can you bring pleasure into your life?

It just doesn’t look one way. And without support you are as likely to drop your Pleasure Plan as the next Green Diet Cleanse!

I am dedicated to living a life filled with pleasure, and I love to inspire pleasure appreciation in others. It’s my work, and it’s my passion. Pleasure is my creative rocket fuel for all the parts of my life – and it can be yours too.

It’s okay to go digging in your 401K for pleasure. You are never too young or too old to transform your relationship with pleasure.  January1st is just around the corner. Why not begin to plan for a new kind of New Year’s Resolution? How about declaring your own “Year of Pleasure”?

Here are some possible starting places:

1. Consider doing a coaching series with me! The Queen of Pleasure! Let me help you tap into what you want, and let figure out how to get it.  Set up a free consultation to talk about setting up a “Pleasure Plan” for yourself.

2. Layout your calender and your finances! Put aside a budget of time and money. Give generously to your plan. Your life will transform. Really, the new whatever can wait!

3. Consider taking a “Pleasure Retreat”. I try to have one every two months for an extended weekend. I plan for it. I pull every drop of pleasure out of that time. There is the pleasure of anticipation and planning, the actual event, and the after glow where I can roll it around in my mouth for weeks after! Go somewhere you have never been before. Figure out the food! What is your pleasure? Experiment. Your pleasure could be visiting gardens, it doesn’t have to be sex!

4. Explore workshops! There are lots of awesome workshops in the sexuality realm! If you are a woman – consider joining me, Ron and Neal at our May “July 3rd Back to the Body Retreat  limited to only six women.

5. Consider a private retreat with a hands on practitioner, and go on your own Shameless Journey……and yes…..of course I can help you there too!  I can help you plan a private mini retreat for yourself, working with me and a Sexological Bodyworker. We also create private mini couple’s retreats. Email me, we can talk about it!

- See more at: http://pamelamadsen.org/a-year-of-pleasure/the-importance-of-having-a-pleasure-plan/#sthash.h6UHNcUR.dpuf

So, do you have a “Pleasure Plan”? It’s an interesting question, isn’t it? I spend hours everyday “channeling the Goddess” in women, and sometimes their partners. What I have learned, is that everyone needs a “Pleasure Plan” and often that means reaching out of the box.  How do we feed ourselves pleasure? Perhaps it’s not the story book romance that we thought we would have in our lives. Or our marriage beds have cooled, or there isn’t a partner at all. Or maybe we just want something more or different? What then? Do we simply crumble and find ourselves in a very long season of discontent?

Screw that. Do you want more pleasure, fun and adventure in your life? Then create the plan. Take out the calendar and start planning your own “Year of Pleasures”. Start a journal about it.  Start a Pleasure Plan Blog. How can you bring pleasure into your life?

It just doesn’t look one way. And without support you are as likely to drop your Pleasure Plan as the next Green Diet Cleanse!

I am dedicated to living a life filled with pleasure, and I love to inspire pleasure appreciation in others. It’s my work, and it’s my passion. Pleasure is my creative rocket fuel for all the parts of my life – and it can be yours too.

It’s okay to go digging in your 401K for pleasure. You are never too young or too old to transform your relationship with pleasure.  January1st is just around the corner. Why not begin to plan for a new kind of New Year’s Resolution? How about declaring your own “Year of Pleasure”?

Here are some possible starting places:

1. Consider doing a coaching series with me! The Queen of Pleasure! Let me help you tap into what you want, and let figure out how to get it.  Set up a free consultation to talk about setting up a “Pleasure Plan” for yourself.

2. Layout your calender and your finances! Put aside a budget of time and money. Give generously to your plan. Your life will transform. Really, the new whatever can wait!

3. Consider taking a “Pleasure Retreat”. I try to have one every two months for an extended weekend. I plan for it. I pull every drop of pleasure out of that time. There is the pleasure of anticipation and planning, the actual event, and the after glow where I can roll it around in my mouth for weeks after! Go somewhere you have never been before. Figure out the food! What is your pleasure? Experiment. Your pleasure could be visiting gardens, it doesn’t have to be sex!

4. Explore workshops! There are lots of awesome workshops in the sexuality realm! If you are a woman – consider joining me, Ron and Neal at our May “July 3rd Back to the Body Retreat  limited to only six women.

5. Consider a private retreat with a hands on practitioner, and go on your own Shameless Journey……and yes…..of course I can help you there too!  I can help you plan a private mini retreat for yourself, working with me and a Sexological Bodyworker. We also create private mini couple’s retreats. Email me, we can talk about it!

- See more at: http://pamelamadsen.org/a-year-of-pleasure/the-importance-of-having-a-pleasure-plan/#sthash.h6UHNcUR.dpuf

 

The Thrill of Uncertainty; The Comfort of Stability

I'm pondering relationship this morning. Falling in love is simple; one has only to yield to the passion. Digesting another person, however, and sustaining love AND the erotic is bloody work, and not a soft job. Intimacy turns into familiarity. Passion into being the ever present air that you breathe. You are necessary but not always noticed. But just try holding your breath. Do we really have to leave in order to be noticed? How do you desire, hunger for, and want what you already have?

The key may be in the balance of the thrill uncertainty and the comfort of stability as author, Esther Perel (Mating in Captivity) loves to state.  And you can create these experiences in your life - whether you are partnered or not (Yes, single people want this too - in their relationship to themselves or in their dating lives).

The key is creating these opportunities for uncertainty.  Suspending the need to know what will happen - and jumping.  And for some of us that may mean doing it with our partner or trusted experts to provide the stability in all of that exciting uncertainty!

That is why I have created retreats for women and couples along with my partners at "Back to The Body".

When we are partnered, the need to create excitement, adventure and uncertainty can be tricky without threatening the stability of the relationship. A private sensuous couple's retreat can provide all of these elements for a couple to touch that spark again.

The same can be true for single women for are craving excitement and uncertainty in their own erotic lives and it is not showing up in a way that feels stable or safe to them. Attending a "Back to the Body: Sensuous Retreat for Women" and traveling to Victoria, BC for our core program or Tuscany to be with us in our Villa can also provide the same incredible sexy thrill of erotic adventure while reconnecting them to their own sensuous energy.

Sometimes, it can be as simple and as crazy as attending a retreat around sexuality to create the magic and thrill of uncertainty while knowing that you are ultimately in a stable environment.  Kinda like swinging on a trapeze and knowing their is a net underneath you!

Want to talk about it? Send me an email at Pamela@backtothebody.org and I would be happy to discuss creating a thrilling, sexy adventure for you and your beloved  whether that is another human being - or your beautiful self!