Sexual Transformation

Women Choosing to Walk the Path of a Deep Inner Calling

The experience of our sexuality often gets lost in translation. Instead of saying that all sexuality is about this or that - let's recognize that the even the word "sexuality" has layers of meaning built into it. Our sexuality is an amalgamation of desire, life experience, bodies, gender, subconscious urges, shame, sensations, and behaviors. Parts of our sexuality spring up from us organically, and some parts are shaped by our culture, religion, and even our language. Sexuality is not one thing or one way. Our sexuality is a holistic and whole body experience that is unique in it's expression from human to human. It would be a huge relief if we could all stop pretending that we have sexuality all figured out and that we have all the answers. Sexuality is not geometry; it's a living container. So if we don't have sexuality "all figured out", how do support women who are an amalgamation of all of this grow, explore, feel safe, and heal their relationship eros?  But I have come to believe that the women themselves have all of the information that they need deeply held inside of them,  they just need the space and the space holders to help them unlock it.

It feels important that I speak about sacred spaces, somatic sex education and  "Back to the Body: Sensuous Retreats For Women", because it is one of those places where women can do this work.

But I hesitate for many reasons.  I worry about the perception that I'm trying to "sell you" on something. And I'm also concerned about the experiences of our women will get lost in translation. But if we do not speak of what is possible for women to discover in their own bodies, how do they know about what could be possible? I am looking at the images of the women from our most recent July 2014 retreat. I am remembering their stories. The incredible work that each one of them did. The extraordinary self discoveries and transformations.  Each story, each experience as different and unique as each woman.  And I feel compelled to try to put words to it all. But I am not trusting my words alone, so I will try to combine images with my words.

It takes a lot for a woman to step up and face all of the layers of her own sexuality. And what can bring her to do it can feel like the season of her discontent which can happen at any time in her 20's, 30's, 40's, 50's 60's and beyond. It can feel like numbness or aliveness that wants to know more aliveness. We can want our hot sexuality to be bigger and hotter, and we can feel like there is nothing below our waist. And all of these women can show up together at one retreat.

There can be massive resistance even after a woman says "Yes" to showing up.  There are false obstacles that we place in front of our desires to know more and feel more. There can be stark terror as well as incredible excitement and anticipation. Some women feel all of it. Some women feel some of this. The rainbow of emotions that women encounter doing this work is not black and white. And six women show up anyway.  Because somehow they know, that what they are seeking is possible.  Here is the face of one of our women facing her own resistance, sitting in an airport wanting to turn around. She didn't.

I am sitting remembering:

Women supporting and loving each other in our nest being is as important as the sensual ecstasy that they experience. Back to the Body is a unique way for women to connect with each other and heal the wounds of female relationship.

The women have experiences around female connection that most women never experience and it changes them. Sometimes, I wonder if it being privy to the sounds of the other women connecting to their deepest erotic places. Being literally bathed in their sounds. This is not pornography. This is not some performance. This is something incredibly sacred and bliss filled.  We cannot see them. They are in private sessions with professional Sexological Bodyworkers. My colleagues. Their sighs and moans are sometimes tinged with pain: the screams of ancestral wounds that have no name rise up and mix in like the perfect mixed cocktail. And even if we are not on the table, in session - sometimes we can drink it in.

I am remembering  the dance that some of the women did after their sessions. And how the other women celebrated it. Cheering and taking pictures.

And still I struggle for words. From one of our attendees.

"It's not a sex retreat in the way you are thinking. It's actually a women's retreat where each of the women gets deeply pampered and gets to do intense, healing alchemical pleasure work with Sexological Bodyworkers."

It's not sex boot camp!

How do we speak of experiences that occur in the body? So many women in our society do not feel seen by the masculine.  One of the practices that we have introduced to our women is a session where they are held in the cradle of exquisite masculine presence and are bathed in pleasure by their hands, words and attention. What we learn through pleasure we don't easily forget. Our women felt what it is to feel cherished down to their bones. Those are the words.  But the the transformation and healing that pleasure can bring a body cannot fully be described by words.  Maybe we simply show before and after pictures?

What if this was some kind of a "Priestess" training? Does that sound crazy?  A priestess is a woman who officiates in sacred rites and we are teaching women to officiate in the sacred rite of their own sexual alchemy.

A priestess is a woman who is choosing to walk the path of a deep inner calling. That is true of our women. With courage and grace she navigates the continuous ascents and descents of her life's spiral going deeper into her own magical and sacred cauldron.

Our Priestesses are on a path where they are actively confronting, clearing, healing past wounds . As they journey deeper into their sexuality they are each traveling to inner realms of ecstasy, magic, manifestation, quiet times of reflection, prayer, meditation. This work at Back to the Body is supporting each woman to see and sense her own truth in a way that perhaps she has never seen it before.

It's not always easy. But as they stay with the each unique expression of what is holy, we can see amazing shifts in their being. Call it the Divine Mother. Each woman steps into seeing the value and honor of her own femininity. As she clears the dust from her body she can begin to see herself as a holy vessel that can not only hold sacred space for herself, but for her family, friends and community.

Over five days, each women steps into a place of becoming more clear of her own life's purpose and her own ability to create this sexual alchemy in her own body. Yes. This is a Priestess Training of it's own kind. Women learning the power of their desire. Being able to name it, access it and turn it into fuel for every aspect of their lives.

They become filled with a sense of aliveness that is palpable.

A Peek Inside a Private Sexological Body Work Session

This morning, my client "Amy" met me for coffee and to check in before her final session Sexological Body Work session with my colleague Ron Stewart, Co-Founder of Back to the Body: Sensuous Retreats for Women, before she flew back to Florida. She read me her journal entries, and I was not only blown away by her sharing, but how amazing she looked. I asked her how she was feeling, and she said: "Whole, Satiated, Centered and at Peace". Ron and I have been in the NYC area running workshops and working privately with women, men and couples who are on their own journey back to their bodies.  Amy is one of the women who flew in from various parts of the country to work with us. I would describe her as lovely, fiercely independent, and in her forties. She is single and in transition in her relationship.

I got to know Amy after she decided to do one on one coaching with me through video skype. When the opportunity presented itself to do hands on work, she took the plunge and jumped in. She choose to do three sessions with us over three days. That meant that she got an hour with me to talk about it all, process, and then spend time with Ron having a traditional Sexological Body Work Session. We also shared a few meals together, and did a little sex toy shopping.

With her permission, here are a few excerpts from her journal and a follow up coaching session with me. Amy allowed me to share all of this because she wanted to support other women to take the leap, and change their lives.

"So I traveled to NYC today to start this mini-retreat to explore my sexuality. There is a part of me that thinks this is crazy and wondering what I’m doing. And although I’m a bit excited I can’t lie and say that I’m not having second thoughts right now. As it nears the time and VERY nervous and a bit anxious but I know that this is about me and being open to the experience so I go with it.

Meeting with Pam was good, centered me a bit before meeting with Ron and going into the hands on portion of my time. I’m guessing it’s because I’ve had massages before but I’m amazed at how easily I strip before Ron and get on the table.

The experience is amazing, Ron was really good at reading my body. He started with an extended massage which was perfect. I got comfortable with his touch and the idea of what we’re doing. I had my first orgasm and it was amazing. I experienced sensations I had never felt before and it was pretty spectacular. I told Pam and Ron that this was the first time I wasn’t self conscious about my body, perhaps it was because there is no relationship between Ron and I - not sure but it definitely allowed me to let go. I am hoping that I can carry that level of self confidence in my other sexual experiences.

I am glad that I came.

Session Two

Today’s experience was intense… I had shared that I was interested in playing a little bit with Domination so I got to experience a taste of that! I enjoyed it! Spanking (which I also really loved), anal play (WOW!)… and a lot more g-spot stimulation than yesterday. I think I had an orgasm for like an hour… there was an extended period of time where my body just shook. It felt like the urge to shudder was coming from the inside out and I felt it down to my toes. It was amazing… it was ALMOST too much - so hard to put into words. I have never experienced anything like that before.

At the end of the session Ron remarked on how responsive my body was, and I honestly didn’t know that I was responsive. Past experiences felt good but not body shattering, it was like there was a string from my nipples to my pussy and every time they were touched everything would clench. It was really surprising to me at how much I enjoyed everything, the last little bit of time all I could do was lay there and experience my pussy clenching and my nipples peaking… just amazing.

At first I thought I would just lay down and sleep for the afternoon but all of a sudden I’m ravenous and I have a ton of energy so I’m going to go outside and explore for a bit. :) Tonight is one of the workshops. I’m hoping that it will be a good experience.

Update - after a quick trip sightseeing I came back to the hotel and was knocked out, I slept for five or six hours straight. I guess this experience impacted me even more than I thought! And I guess, I found the cure for my insomnia! Something has definitely changed though… even while I was walking around today I noticed that my hips are swinging and my confidence has grown. Amazing what an orgasm can do!

Love."

Day 3 "I was curious about how today would turn out.  Yesterday was intense it was a life changing experience for me and last night and this morning I feel that delicious soreness of a body that was well used.  I woke up this morning feeling happy, I would even venture to say that I feel joyful.  I feel like I ‘fit’ in my own skin.  I shower, do my hair throw on my tightest skinny jeans, a sweater, leather jacket and almost knee high boots and I feel sexy.  It’s been a LONG time since I’ve felt this way.  I leave my hotel room to meet Pam with a smile on my face and she gives me one look and starts laughing… she says you look so happy and so pretty and I really feel it! :)

I was a bit nervous about today because I was so sore (my body simply wasn't used to all of this touch!) but Ron and I agree to start off slow and see how things go from there… after a bit Ron read my mind and brought out the Magic Wand… well there went my plan… I was soon begging for more.  Today was such a different experience from yesterday but another amazing one.  I had no idea my body was so responsive, I had no idea I could feel so deeply or intensely.  I had no idea that I could feel such pleasure where everything was centered on my breasts and my pussy to the extent that I felt pins and needles in my toes and my fingers.  How amazing is that?!  Coming out of today’s session I feel like I could run a 5k, my body feels alive, whole, centered and most importantly satiated.  Walking around on the streets of New York people are looking at me because I literally have a smile on my face.  It almost brings me to tears to know that I’m NOT broken, that I am a whole and complete woman who is just now scratching the surface in finding herself.

Pam and I have lunch and then walk to a nearby jewelry store.  I buy a beautiful piece of body jewelry… BODY JEWELRY!?  I mean so NOT like me, but putting it on I felt sexy and it’s a perfect tribute to this mini-retreat weekend.

Pam and I talked about my experience and about my decision to chose her to work with.  I told her that talking with her I felt heard, I felt validated and I felt she wouldn’t take any of my crap and I was right.  She pushed me in the right way and has helped me to start this amazing journey to find my sexuality, to understand my body and what it needs and to find myself.  I plan on attending the workshop tonight and hope to have more to tell of my story of Day 3.  In the meantime I owe so much to Pam and Ron for helping me to start this journey to finding myself."

Day 4 Heading Home

"I'm heading to JFK airport now and as I was getting ready this morning I was thinking about what I learned this weekend. 1. I learned that I'm not broken, in fact my body is extremely responsive to erotic touch. Who knew?! 2. I learned that I'm sexy and powerful in my skin. This one will take some time to get used to being comfortable with but I experienced it so I know it's there! 3. I learned that taking time for me is not selfish, it increases my capacity for love - both of myself and of others. 4. I learned that I am beautiful. 5. I learned that there is immense pleasure in being able to receive touch and equally as much pleasure being able to give touch. 6. I learned that there are men out there who are equally concerned with giving pleasure as they are receiving it.

This was an amazing discovery and I know that it is just the start of my journey. The question is really what do I do with this knowledge know and how does it change my current circumstances? Although I felt true and loving feelings for Chris is he the one for me? This morning, after some processing my instinct was no. But I know that I need to spend some time talking with him to be sure. I feel confident enough now that I can do that.

I can't thank Pam and Ron enough for this weekend. For opening my eyes and my body to my potential and for starting me on this journey to my own self discovery and wholeness. Next stop Tuscany! (I hope!)

Love."

And I can't thank Amy enough for showing up so fully and then allowing us to take a peek!