Sexual Desire

Cultivating Your Erotic Imagination

To truly experience what it is to have sexual freedom, we need to cultivate our erotic imagination.  For each of us, our sexual freedom lies in our ability and willingness to create a sexuality of our very own. Forget normal.  In truth, what works for doctors and some psychotherapists putting the human experiences into boxes of normal and not normal does not always serve us when it comes to sexuality. What if we were each invited to view our sexuality as a work of art, and I handed you a blank canvas that was the size of the biggest wall you had ever seen, and an endless supply of colorful paints, pencils and markers. What if I invited you to fill this tremendous blank canvas with your erotic desires? What if you felt truly free enough to create your very own sexuality without shame, judgement or inhibitions?

The human erotic imagination may be one of the golden keys to having an extraordinary sex life.  So many of us are raised with a spoken and unspoken understanding of what is allowable when it comes to having sex.  We are raised with this idea of what is "normal' and "approved" and what is not.  Quite literally,  for many of us our erotic imagination get's shut down and we are left with a very short list of what is allowable for us in our expression of sexuality. Everything else is somehow made "taboo" or "dirty" or "not normal".

That leaves us with either filled with shame over desires that we may think are wrong, or we simply become numbed out to the possibilities.

For others, we may simply have not explored how to cultivate our erotic imagination.  So what makes up our erotic imagination? What are some tools to free up and explore our erotic imagination:

  • Sexual fantasy is a great starting ground.  Allowing ourselves to travel freely in our own mind and explore without shame or putting any labels of judgement around our sexual fantasies.
  • Reading erotica and romance novels can be a great place to put your erotic flint to stone.
  • Wandering through a sex toy shop can also be a great place to cultivate your erotic imagination. Walk around and handle the toys. Often there are books and videos to explore as well.
  • Explore the idea of sexuality being playful.  When we play we are free to get things wrong, experiment, try on different roles, laugh and even be foolish. What if we looked at sexuality as play?
  • Put on costumes.  And this idea is not just limited to women.  Erotic lingerie can be a wonderful tool to assist our erotic imaginations. I know men who put on superman boxer shorts to get into the mood.  Are they exploring their erotic imagination? I think so.

We can all cultivate our own erotic imagination and create a sexuality of our very own.  Let go of "normal" and invite in exploration and play.  The possibilities for sexual expression is as vast and limitless as the human mind. Come play.

 

 

The Power of The Erotic

We have put the erotic in a box. Say the word erotic and many people conjure up images of partner sex, pornography and lap dances. Nothing wrong with that. But what if the erotic could be seen through a different lens. What if the erotic (sexual energy) could be harnessed to power up all aspects of your life? What if you could get in touch with the erotic as life force energy and use it not only as fuel for orgasm, but also as fuel for your creativity and every other aspect of your life? What if your erotic knowledge is also a potential inner guide, like a sensually fueled GPS navigation system that you can tune into?

Most people want to live a fully expressed life. The question always comes down to how do we get there? My belief is that you already have what you need and it is held in your body. The issue is that this inner knowledge and power has been carefully suppressed. The erotic is so powerful that throughout the ages, people have been frightened of it. We have been cultured out of our own powerful inner knowledge because once we are connected to our inner guides and have access to the erotic as life force energy - we are harder to control.  We have been  shamed into a kind of sexless submission.

If  can learn to live from inside of our bodies outward to the world, not being frightened of the power of our own erotic energy to guide us we will be able to get in touch with our deepest feelings  and let go of the numbness that afflicts so many.  Being fully empowered and connected to our bodies is an act against oppression.  It is through this inner knowledge that we can get in touch with our desires and create change not only in our lives, the lives of our families but also the world.

What we want to create in our lives begin with our ability to know our desires. The foundational step is to know your desire. When we learn to harness our own erotic engine we can dare to know our desires and to be powerful in our lives.

Change is scary and but it is only through change that we can grow.  You cannot harness someone else erotic energy for very long. You can use it to inspire yourself to find your own. But we each need to know, cultivate and access our own inner flame.

And in order to do that, you must first be willing to believe that you have it.

Loving you from here,

Pamela

Workshops!

Pamela is teaching in NYC and Seattle in October and November!

Join Pamela Madsen and Monique Darling in NYC on October 12th.

Female Erotic Confidence: The Art of Being Soft and Strong in NYC.  Learn more here!

Join Pamela Madsen and Lori Berkowitz on October 26th in NYC for

Seducing Our Own Beauty: A Very Unique Play Shop for Women

Learn more here

Join Pamela Madsen in Seattle on November 21 and 22nd for "Portal into The Feminine" a mini retreat at the Foundation for Sex Positive Culture  Learn more here:

Back to the Body: Sensual Retreats for Women is Sold Out for Tuscany in September and our Core Program in Victoria, BC. We have opened Registration for February 12th through 17th. Four spots are left.  Back to the Body is limited to six women.  Learn more about Back to the Body here.

Here is My "Naked" Truth

There is a lot of attention being given to an article in HuffPo After 50  entitled  My "Naked" Truth by Robin Korth. In this blog, Robin bravely speaks about her experience being rejected by a lover for her aging body.  She rejects him right back.  But in the middle of sharing with us, she actually defends the physical attractiveness of her body by societal standards, by letting us know that she is thin and fit. A size 6.  Robin wants us to know that even though she is aging, she had gotten it "right":  So what's wrong with him? More importantly, what's up with us? Is the message that if we are aging and not a size 6 we are going to be in for some real trouble? Or what if we had some kind of body changing surgery through the years? Robin is still on a very deep level  (even in her outrage)  buying into the party line about what is sexy and what is not -  when it comes to the female form. Robin is not alone. Everyday I have to fight off those messages. So do countless other women. It is a shared pain.

We face pain around our bodies and our sexuality when we are aging, and we face it when we are young. I felt it the first time when I was a chubby five year old and my mother told me that handsome men didn't like chubby girls. Now I am being told they don't like aging girls either.

And it's by these not so subtle and subtle messages that women begin to distrust the power of their own erotic body and their own beauty. We tamp it down and we give our sexual power away. Most women never come near accessing the power that their bodies have erotically. We are trained and conditioned not to go there.

A part of that conditioning, comes from the messages that women have grown up with around the j"superficially erotic" by current standards of beauty. Women can't really win. We have been made to suffer and feel contemptible both when we meet those standards, and when we do not.

We have learned to suppress our sexuality and in doing so, we have suppressed our creative life force energy.  How many of us have been in the presence of really attractive looking women who fit the script and have felt no sexual energy coming from them at all? That's because they don't feel it either. These beauties have been successfully condition; and it's an epidemic.

Here is my "naked" truth:

When I release my erotic self from societies constrained container of how I am "suppose to be", my life flows with color and a kind of energy that heightens and sensitizes and strengthens all of my experiences.  When I am able to find this place within myself and release all of the myths around my erotic desirability - I am able to show up in the body that I am in - with incredible hotness that I feel first and then I share with my partner. Erotic life force energy (sexiness) flows from the inside out.

Try not to roll your eyes.

If "others" are stuck in what they I should look like; then they don't get to have me. I much prefer this idea of inviting "others" to meet me in my own unique expression of my sexuality and my physical beauty.  I'm a gift.  And it took me some time to really heal the wounds of society and really own that place inside myself. This place of erotic confidence did not come easily.

Most of us come from a similar perspective when it comes to sexuality and self image.

The experience of our bodies, our self image and our sexuality often gets lost in translation. Instead of saying that all sexuality and all bodies is about this or that - let's recognize that the even the word "sexuality" and "self image" has layers of meaning built into it.  We are an amalgamation of desire, life experience, bodies, gender, subconscious urges, shame, sensations, and behaviors. Parts of our sexuality spring up from us organically, and some parts are shaped by our culture, religion, and even our language.

"Sex Appeal" is not one thing or one way. Our sexuality is a holistic and whole body experience that is unique in it's expression from human to human. It would be a huge relief if we could all stop pretending that we have sexuality all figured out and that we have all the answers. Sexuality is not geometry; it's a living container.  And it is found in all of our bodies at every age, shape and size.

So if we don't have sexuality and body image "all figured out", how do support women who are an amalgamation of all of this grow, explore, feel safe, and heal their relationship Eros?

How do we present to ourselves naked?

I have come to believe that the women themselves have all of the information that they need deeply held inside of them,  they just need the space and the space holders to help them unlock it. We need to be able to heal the wounds and strip away the stories that keep being told to us even in the stories that are meant to heal us! Sometimes, that calls for women to be naked together. And I am not talking about women engaging in some kind of group sex orgy. Even spending time in a Korean Spa can be very healing for women. We need to see each others real bodies so we can open to the beauty of our own.

Recently, at one of the sexuality healing retreats that I co-facilitate, "Back to the Body: Sensuous Retreats" for Women",  one of the women wrote publicly about her experience watching me demo a live "Sexological Bodywork" session with two practitioners, Ron Stewart and Neal Wecker.

This is one of the bravest things that I do. It involves me getting naked, climbing on a massage table and receiving sensuous body work in front of our six women.  I am publicly in an erotic experience for the sole purpose of permissioning and teaching other women about what is possible in their own bodies.

We teach all kinds of skills through this demonstration, and it prepares the women for their own sessions.  This is what this woman wrote about watching the session and my fifty year old Rubenesque body. I get to confront every possible myth I have about my aging, changing, full body every time I do this. And trust me, it was pretty edgy for me reading the account through her eyes, just as it is for me to re-publish it.

From journal of Ali Shanti published on Facebook while she was at the retreat:

"This is the end of day 1. We have 4 more days here together. Each day, each woman has a private session with one of the men. On the last day, we each have a 4-hand session with both men.

But first, today, we got to watch Pamela get on the table with both men working on her.

I feel nervous to share the details with you. Let me just start by passing on one of the first things that Pamela shared with us about why she does this work ...

"Women rarely get to experience what it's like to be in the alchemy of their own pleasure."

Why is that? What keeps that from happening?

Pamela says that, for the most part, it's because the whole arousal part of our eroticism is skipped over to get to climax. We are trained to match our men, who are locked into an immature masculine pattern of orgasm. The 10-minute, quiet and quick, in and out, get em up and get em off reality of sex in our culture.

Neal says it's because women are conditioned to believe we have to choose between our pleasure and our heart and so we choose heart and turn off the pleasure.

Which one of these, if either, resonates with you?

When we have sex just to "get off", how can there be time or room for alchemy?

Today, there was time and room and space and welcoming of the pleasure that creates alchemy. It began with Pamela and her demo.

Pamela is a voluptuous woman. She has had two c-sections and bears the scars and the belly and the full breasts, wide hips, thighs and arms to match. She is what you would call Rubenesque.

And, she may just be the hottest woman I've ever seen naked.

How does she do it?

She says "I stay alive in my body all the time. I have body shame and I'm still hot." She takes fully 100% responsibility for her sexuality, and her experience.

As she was on the table today demo'ing the experience of being worked on by sexological bodyworkers, we saw the alchemy in action as she rose to her knees like the Priestess she is, fully aroused and visible, pulsing with sensation, courageously letting us see all of her. Beyond courageous, really.

At the end of her journey, during the height of her orgasm, came moments of deep prayer, calling in the support of the Universe for her loved ones, for us, for life itself.

Pleasure as a path to alchemy. Yes, thank you, more please.

Through the experience of watching Pamela, I received the transmission of courage for my own alchemical, orgasmic experience.

What I found most interesting is that my mind would swear up and down I am as self-expressed, courageous and sexually comfortable as Pamela. But my body told another story completely. I was scared. Contracted. Uncertain. Worried. Would I be able to relax and receive?

Yes. Yes. Yes. I could. I did. I allowed it all and as I broke through my own pleasure ceiling, at the height of my arousal, I could feel the alchemy happening. And today was just day one. More tomorrow ..."

So why share this? Because this woman was able to FEEL my hotness even if her eyes told her initially this story about my body that didn't fit the script about how "Hot and Sexy" should look.  In my own willingness to move past the script about my body - I can become the "hottest woman in the room".  I allow it.   Yes, my body has a story to tell. And it's my story.

It's time to take back our own "Naked" truth. As women we have come to distrust that power which rises from our deepest and non rational knowledge.   Yes! This is about the body! This is "Non-Rational Knowledge". We have to let go of the stories that we have been told and allow ourselves to connect back to our bodies.

We have been warned against this our entire lives by a world based on masculine power, perceptions and desires - which somehow women have taken into our bodies as our own reality.  We are taught to fear our depth, and women are shut down to examine the possibilities of it within themselves.

But our bodies at every age and presentation is filled with our erotic energy. This offers a well of replenishment and a proactive force to the women do not fear what it can hold for them.

Do not  succumb to the belief that your reflection of me, is who I am.

When women reveal themselves to themselves as hot, sexy, raw and wild it is a provocative and radical act filled with power.

Let's do it a lot

PS. That picture is of my real life 50 year old fat ass.  And I love it.

 

Meditation and Sexuality a Newly Discovered Link

One of the first things that I teach, when I work with anyone around their sexuality is the link between sex and a clear mind. Sex requires our presence, not numbing out. The best sex requires of us that we are fully in our bodies, and alive to the possibility of sensation. or skin awareness. As we awaken away numbness we are actually able to experience the softest of touches as electric vibrations through our entire body. If you think you're erotically numb, hormonally challenged or simply "over sex", this does not have to be. Erotic numbness is reversible and it begins with reawakening our ability to feel arousal.

Arousal is a state that not only fuels our creative engines, but can be enjoyed from our genitals up through our hearts and throughout our bodies. Now, what does this have to do with meditation?

It's really difficult to feel sexual arousal if our minds are busy and our thoughts are interfering. This is where meditative states can be incredibly useful. When we can quiet the mind and connect to our genitals—we are able to feel deeply into our bodies in ways that we may never have experienced before. Sometimes, it's in these quiet genital connections that we are able to find the source of any blockages to pleasure and our relationship with our own bodies. But we have to be quiet and tuned in enough to be able to listen.

If we can learn to clear our minds and connect to our genitals this can be a path to full awakening. And when I say full awakening; I'm talking about mind, body and spirit.

I discovered all of this on my own at the feet of Dr. Deepak Chopra when I attended "Journey to Healing" and combined that experience with my knowledge as a sexuality coach that believed in somatic or through the sexual body healing.

Meditation is the perfect entry point to many profound sexual experiences. Successful meditation and successful sex all start with the same three key entry points:

1. Get comfortable.

2. Slow down.

3. Connect to the breath.

When we are able to approach sex just like we approach meditation (without rushing to go somewhere fast) we are able to touch deeply ecstatic or erotic states where we have "alterations in bodily perception" and a "diminution of self awareness" according to researcher Gemma O'Brien who studied the link between sexuality and meditation.

These shared experiences are found both in subjects deeply in meditation and in people having sexual experiences.

As I got more practiced at meditation, I was able to feel my ego dissolve along with my own general sense of self-awareness. As I floated into "the gap," the place that Deepak Chopra says is the place without words, I also noticed that I lost track of where my body was in place and time. Oh yeah, I have been in these places before and it was not in the lotus position!

Gemma O'Brien found that people meditating and having an orgasm both experience the afore mentioned "diminution of self-awareness" and "alterations in bodily perception."

According to the study, when you meditate, the left side of your brain becomes activated and when you engage in sexual activity, the right side of your brain runs the show. Both of these brain responses helps you to stop the constant thinking or talking in your brain. And herein lies the key—when you are able to stop the chatter, and float into what can be called "falling into the gap," "states of higher consciousness," "erotic trance states" or even what is known as "sub space" your brain helps you by allowing you to lose physical and mental boundaries. That is where we can find enlightenment or dare I say it—bliss.

Our busy lives takes us to a place where we live all the time in our thoughts. When we are run by our thoughts we can lose connection with our bodies. This is known as "sensory amnesia" and is a feeling of not being able to give presence to our bodies. It's possible to reclaim our bodies and our sexuality. I have seen the practice of meditation and the combination of meditative states with the addition of touch create incredible openings in the lives of women.

We can regain our own sense of our bodies and begin to shed our numbness.

What to do next?

Like this blog, leave a comment and share it!

Do You Want To Learn More?

Check our my guided sexuality meditation

Watch My Video:  The Arousal Principle

The Arousal Principle: How To Put Passion Back Into Your Life

Strap yourself in. I want to talk about female sexual arousal. I believe that it's the secret source of every woman’s power. It’s the ignition switch of the female erotic engine, that potent driver of sexual energy that is life force itself. It propels every aspect of a woman’s existence-- pleasure in all its expressions, relationships (from mother-daughter to lover to her own body), education, creativity and success in business. The Arousal Principle is a new way of understanding and harnessing female sexuality. It stops being about merely the orgasm, the lover, the marriage or the commodity for sale. The Arousal Principle explains how core female sexuality is the fuel that lights up a woman from within.

When she’s in an aroused state, when the erotic engine is humming, mind and body collude to give her that instantly recognizable and enviable show stopping ability. Think Cleopatra or Michelle Obama. Marital status, age, sexual preference, body size or health issues just don’t matter. This is for all women. When women learn how to tap into and access their arousal they rediscover or perhaps find for the first time that hotbed of energy to unleash each woman’s full potential.

It all starts with the vagina, and a little basic science. Walk with me into the land of the controversial and understudied. And I’m distilling the research to what is core to the Arousal Principle.

When we stimulate the vagina (and yes, I mean all of the parts) we stimulate the production of dopamine. Dopamine is the neurotransmitter responsible for sexual arousal. In an aroused state our senses are heightened, we are more focused, flushed with creative energy, self- confidence, highly motivated and just plain sexy.

We tend to race past this fertile and delicious state in hot pursuit of the orgasm. The “Big O” is something that we’ve been brainwashed to think is the only successful outcome every time we go near our genitals. In the mad dash to climax, we get gypped of a free, organic state that doesn’t require anything other than giving your vagina attention.

Learning to access and use arousal is the beginning of becoming whole. Throughout history, women have been severed, often violently, from their sexual energy, preventing them from using it for anything other than the service of men. When the circuit is disrupted, severed, shamed or abused, women numb out.

The uniquely female life force, turned back on itself shorts out the vagina-heart-brain circuit. With the wires fried, women often find themselves disconnected from their own desires on the most basic of levels. Some women make themselves sexually invisible, consoling themselves with addictions (shopping, food, alcohol), or tumble into depression and anxiety. Many of these women are leaders in so many parts of their lives. CEO's to Supermoms, it doesn't matter. When this circuit disrupts, the break down is often private and unseen to the casual observer. Too many women are still faking it on the deepest of levels when it comes to their relationship with their bodies. They cover up numbness and fear often with either compliance or anger.

So while the Arousal Principal's primary focus is not about how to have great sex, you will. As one of my coaching client's said: “My boyfriend has not changed his techniques. Nothing looks different really from the outside, but damn - sex is hotter than it’s ever been in my life.” That's what I am talking about.

So how do you get started? The reclamation begins in the simplest of ways. For many of us that means we need to by-pass The neo-cortex, hand-slapping, nay-saying part of the brain, and dive right into the pelvis. You need to put your attention on your genitals.

Start slow and easy, when you’re alone and there’s privacy. Wear your clothes or don’t. Whatever makes you comfortable.

In a comfortable seated position, feet firmly on the floor, cup your vulva, palm up, from the front with your fingertips pointing back.

With eyes closed, start rocking your pelvis back and forth.

Focus your attention on the sensations generated by your vulva filling your hand , your muscles clenching and releasing, your pelvis rocking

If you’re feeling adventurous, throw in some Kegels, squeezing and releasing your pelvic floor.

As your awareness of sensation increases--and it will-- let yourself move and lean into the rock.

KEEP BREATHING

When you feel heat rising, when you start to feel pleasure, you’ve arrived in that juicy activated known as arousal. And you’ve done it without any of the usual agendas -- no imperative to reach orgasm, pleasing a partner or satisfying a fantasy. This simple exercise can begin your journey of connection to your own body. It can mark the end of numbness.

One of my clients, we will call her Sarah was so disconnected from erotic engine that she couldn't identify pleasure in any parts of her life. She was sexually non functional, depressed and on heavy medication. She kept telling me that she couldn't feel her genitals, that there was no pleasure there at all. So fully clothed, (we were working through video Skype) I asked her to cup her vulva and begin to softly rock her pelvis while learning forward . I coached her to allow her vulva fill to gentle fill her hand. We did this exercise quietly for about five minutes. When I saw that she was very relaxed and into her own body, and that her face was beginning to flush. I asked her is she could feel anything?

Sarah opened her eyes and tears begin to flow. " I feel heat. I can feel my body!"

It was as simple as having her put attention on her genitals in a way that didn’t have to lead to anything other than feeling erotic energy.

Moment of awakening. The first step in getting the engine cranked and it’s so simple. It's all about the Arousal Principle.

What To Do After Reading This Article:

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What to start exploring this in your own life? Check out Pamela's "Back to The Body Retreats for Women" and her coaching practice.   You don't have to do this alone. Support is available!

Desire is Real Female Orgasm!

I just spent a weekend at a Tantra Workshop - we were all women - with only one man present (insider tip for men - if you want to meet women - get interested in Tantra!).I observed myself in this group of women and this one man -  and I hit up again against a little known truth about women and sexual desire.Do you want to turn us on? Then you had better know our dirty little secret...it's what makes so many of us women feel sexy and raises our libidos about ten degrees. It's the feeling of being desired! Marta Meana said it best when she said that for most women "Desire is the real female orgasm". As women, we want to be the most desired fruit in the salad. We want our significant other - or simply admiring eyes to reflect back to us their desire for us - and this gives us more pleasure that most of us would like to admit to. It's not very politically correct now - is it? Well - here's a new flash for you - sexuality is not politically correct! I don't know about you - but I want to be swept off my feet by a suitor that just cannot breathe without me. Oh come on. You want it too! You know it's true. And if it's really, really, really isn't true for you as a woman - it is true for countless others. Why do you think romance novels are so popular? It's girl porn! It's where we get to read about the damsel being desired - courted - whisked away against her will - because his desire for her is so intense that he just must have her! And that turns on our feminine soul in such a hot deep place that the heroine falls in love. The end. This story is told again and again - marketed directly to women - to our core fantasy - and purchased in truck loads by countless women in countless Walmarts across the country every day. And yet - we are bashful about it. Aren't we? The question that I pose is why don't we us women simply cop to the fantasy? My theory is because it embarrasses us. We feel shame in having any desire that does not include us being in control at all times. We want to be feminists - and self sufficient. We don't want to "Need" men (or female lovers) - or look to the outside world for approval. It's not what we have been taught to want. But sexuality and desire - didn't read the play book. The way our desire works in as encoded in our DNA as the color of our eyes. So what happens to us as women when we no longer "feel seen" as sexual beings. What if weight gain, aging, or even disability makes us feel invisible to those outside eyes? What happens then to our female sexuality? What happens if we hate ourselves so deeply because of life events such as experiencing infertility or cancer that we turn in completely and switch off our sexuality button - so that nobody will see us anymore? Oh yeah - you know what I am talking about. Big ugly shapeless sweat shirts to name one stereotypical piece of female sexual camouflage. But it's true - we do it. We hide in so many ways. We make it so that no one could desire us - and that fulfills the prophecy that we are not desirable. I watched Geneen Roth on Oprah again yesterday - and it opened with women talking about how they self loathed. It is a vicious cycle - of self hating - not being willing to be seen - and there fore not being seen. That shuts us down - and creates a host of problems for us.

What kind of problems? Well how about low libido, depression, anxiety anger, sadness and all kinds of self abuse in the form of overeating and abuse of other substances as we try to feed something we can't name inside of us. I don't think that any of this can truly be cured in the form of a pink pill for women. It's so much deeper for us. For us - Desire is the Female Orgasm - and we have to return to a place in our selves first where we can learn to receive pleasure. Once we can decide that we are worthy of that first step - miracles can happen.