Sexual Being

Finding Courage in The Pink Ghetto to "Come Out"

In 2007, I did something that I had never done before - I met sex bloggers. I went to the launch party of Sex In The Public Square founded by Elizabeth Wood and Chris Hall. They had a vision for a new out in the open blogging community. It was there that I met people whom I have had only known through the Internet- through their blogs. It was there that I first heard the term "The Pink Ghetto". I remember listening to a woman who called herself Lux Nightmare read from her writings about working in the Pink Ghetto and how she could not use her real name in her writings even though she was a sex educator by day.

I listened to and heard for the first time the wonderful Susie Bright. There was this entire world out there in the Pink Ghetto that I knew nothing about and I found sisters and brothers there in many ways - especially in the struggle for identity and acceptance. For many people who write about sex, and for many sex educators -  there is fear that by speaking out and being identified that they will lose the rest of their lives such as their traditional employment. It is a very real fear - and I know all about it.

Before I decided to take the plunge and tell my story through the pages of Shameless - I sat there and watched these women who were for the most part living their lives courageously and out loud. I felt a jealousy....about how wonderful it must be to be able to stand up and be photographed as a whole person. To be able to read your writings out loud to a group and not to be hiding completely behind a stage name.

To be able to - as many of these people were - working publicly and yet privately in the Pink Ghetto. It made my blood flow and it helped show me the possibilities of my life - the potential of me. Listening to them, it fed my desire to continue to move forward and create my life...and hope for safety.

And here is another cool thing - so many of the bloggers were "real" people. What I mean by that is - there was not an abundance of over exercised bodies, boob jobs, or plastic faces. In fact, those kinds of people were visibly absent. This group of sex positive activists ran across all age lines - all sex preferences - all racial lines and all body weight ranges. They were quite the every day looking NYC kind of people. And yet - here they were - out in the open embracing their lives - their sexuality....and not waiting until some day when they had the perfect whatever to have a life. They were creating and re creating themselves is!!!! And that gave me courage too! I could show up just the way I was.

I was mesmerized by Rachel Kramer Bussel who looked like a young college kid with long unselfconscious hair, glasses and a simple frock - read to us from one of her then newest pieces of erotica. It was so surreal as she was not some overdone bimbo. Rachel was this real woman - writing and talking about real sex......or imaged real sex! And the funny thing was that I had just bought a book edited by her the day before called "He's on Top"! I had never really heard of her before....such a newbie!

It's hard to believe that this event took place four years ago - maybe five. It's hard to remember exactly - but that night changed my life. That event created an opening in my life - because these women had courage. And they passed that courage onto me simply by showing up and being who they were - out loud and without shame.

That was the night that I decided that I was not hiding anymore. That was the night that I decided that I was going to tell my story too - and on January 18th 2011 - everyone will be able to read my story. For better or for worse - I am stepping into and out of the Pink Ghetto. I am going to be a whole person - all the time - who refuses to hide. I will not be shamed any longer for being  a sexual being. And I am hoping that by sharing my story with you - that I will pass this gift of courage on. No one should have to live in shame simply for being human.

It's hard to believe that on Feb 1st 2011 - I will be reading from the pages of Shameless with Rachel at Coco de Mer in LA, California.  It's amazing what the actions of one can do for another.

Are You Willing To "Be Seen" As a Sexual Being?

"Being Seen" has always been a really huge issue for me.  I have always wanted to be seen - and I have always lived in fear of the judgment that would follow if anyone truly saw the real me. And who was the real me anyway? I wasn't too clear about that either! There are so many aspects of my life - where I am obviously seen a lot. I am seen as a Fertility Advocate, a Blogger, a "Founder" and a daughter, wife, mother, sister and friend.  I am very busy in in the world of social media - and you can friend me on Facebook or follow my tweets. You would think that I have no problem at all with "Being Seen" - with  such a big mouth! But that is not what I am talking about....I am talking about being seen as a sexual, erotic being.  For years - that part of me was completely invisible.  And I chronicle my journey from being sexually invisible to being brave enough to be seen as an erotic being in my memoir, SHAMELESS - just as I was then and just as I am now.

It's a long, story - one that I am not going to go into now - but just for argument sake - have you read those articles about buying sexy lingerie "Just for You".  Those women magazine pieces that suggest that you should go buy those sexy pull up stocking and put them on so that only you know how hot you are? These pieces are meant to inspire ourselves into feeling sexy from the inside out - and it does help. I have done that - and it can be very delicious to walk into a buttoned up business meeting and know that you are wearing a rhinestone bra.....but that is not what I am talking about. Many women are willing to buy the sexy and keep it private and under wraps. Some never even wear it for the partners.

What if you allowed yourself to be seen wearing the sexy? What about being photographed? Have you ever thought of that? How scary would that be? How delicious would that be? Just think about it....

I went from a woman that wouldn't look at myself below the neck line to a lady who loves to put on sexy lingerie for the camera! Now how did that happen? And trust me on this - my size hasn't changed all that much through the years. I am still a handful!

But there was incredible power for me - as a woman - to allow myself to express who I was out loud in living color as a sexual being through my clothing. And once I realized that I could not only feel good in silk - but look good enough  too - I began to get braver about allowing myself the pleasure of prancing in my costumes! First for my husband , then  for the camera.

Some how it was the act of being seen that really helped me in coming  alive as a feminine being. It was as if  posing like a sex goddess gave me the courage to be that sex goddess.  Maybe it was the encouragement of the photographer. I just don't know. But there I was showing up and playing the part of the calendar girl.  And then - some how - I wasn't playing the part anymore. I became the calendar girl!

I didn't need to hide my body - my size 14 frame - my less than perfect anything! It was like a proclamation to myself - and to the world to  bring it on! It was as if the young sex kitten in my middle aged body was shouting "SEE ME".  I am just who I am and I am perfect in this "as is" container.

For me - there was and still is great healing in being seen simply as a desirable woman. It was a part of myself that I didn't believe in for so long.  And it is so good to finally come out - and offer you my eyes looking boldly back at you from my photographs.  Yes - this is me too.

No shame here!  Just a playful, sexy, fun woman who has finally found her skin.

More! More! What Happens When We Light the Fire on Sexual Desire!

"If you don't use lose it". Have you ever heard that phrase? How about "The more you get - the more you want?" Have you noticed that the word "insatiable" goes so well with the word "desire"? Almost like peanut butter and jelly! I am starting to feel like sex can be like Chinese food  - you can have a delicious meal -and twenty minutes later you are hungry. maybe I am exaggerating just a little, but I do think that if you do not stir the pot of your sexual being - you can become dormant - like a hibernating bear. And when you wake up and begin to feed yourself you can find that your hunger is extraordinary. And that hunger can be quite unsettling. How do we manage our hunger?

So many of us are like Sleeping Beauty. We are resting - but what happens when Beauty wakes up and the Prince is snoring? Or if there is no Prince? How does Beauty feed herself?

I have been steeped in desire lately, so many people have been writing to me about their desires since I launched "Being Shameless". It has been amazing.  There is a lovely woman who goes by "Jessica".  Jessica is in her forties, a single mother by choice, and she runs her own business.  She is not untypical of women today. Jessica wrote to tell me that about a year ago  she began to work with  a Certified Sexological Bodyworker. And guess what happened? Her inner "Sleeping Beauty" woke up! WoooHoooo! Fantastic!! Right?

Well the truth is that  feeling our newly found sexual awakening can sometimes be uncomfortable!

I love exploring desire.  What we desire - how desire looks for us and how we reach for our desires. Jessica really touched me in her note -

"Speaking of desire I have a subject that I hope to get feedback about. I have a terrible time focusing on the requirements of my daily life. Since I started to work with a Sexological Body Worker  8 months ago - I have become so focused on sex! I have a business to run, friends, kids, parents, etc...

I crave all that goes with this quest. Following this blog - hoping to read your book soon , reading, watching videos, having more experiences, learning, all seem to tug at me when I really should be working or doing the more routine, and often less fulfilling parts of my life. I don't feel comfortable sharing much of this with anyone in my immediate circle, which is obviously a problem I have to work on. I desire comfort in this new found joy. I'm unsettled. Like I'm waiting for something. It's hard to sit with the pleasure and happiness I experience in increasing amounts as I learn and incorporate more of the eroticism and deep excitement I often feel. Maybe that's it. Too much excitement for everyday pursuits.

How do other people deal with this? What do you do with an inability to satisfy yourself, in a complete, overall way? It seems like no matter what I experience I still have insatiable desire for more".

Jessica, I feel your pain! I totally get it. but what I have found is that it comes in waves - this desire...this insatiable need for more. I liken it to survivors of famine who for a while after they are rescued hoard food....or cannot stop eating.

Honey - so many of us are  starving and we simply don't know it. And once we  finally start eating again - the food can taste so sweet. It can feel like our bodies just cannot get enough in the beginning because we went too long without feeding it. My suggestion is to notice your hunger. I am noticing mine simply by talking about this subject!

And here is the biggie - You  can feed yourself. Perhaps you need a little more right now.  That's okay - let your body have it. Reassure your body that you will not take this away from yourself ever again - pleasure is IS available. If you can afford it - have a few extra sessions. Indulge yourself a bit and look for new ways to feed yourself.

Feeding yourself can be buying long black stockings and wearing them just for yourself!  I have begun to buy beautiful bath products. I am addicted at the moment to LUSH.  I give myself special long sexy baths. I acknowledge and feed my desire in different ways.  Sometimes - I journal my desire or reach out and connect with others....all the things that you are doing. Perhaps it may be time for a get away workshop?

The best solution is exactly what you are doing - own your desire and feed it. That is my only solution and if you feed yourself in a way that reassures your body - your mind will be much more free to do what you need to do.  Remember that noticing your desire is different than judging your desire. Please try not to judge it.  Don't  "decide" that it is too much.  Another way of looking at your increasing desire is to view it as an indicator of your vitality!

I believe that once our bodies learn that we will never go to sleep on ourselves again, that we will become less agitated and over time, that we will become more fulfilled.  For now, eat freely and eat often!  I am so glad that you woke up Jessica!

Wanting more isn't always comfortable. But isn't it so much better than being asleep?