Sexual Arousal

The Healing and Rejuvenation Magic in Sexual Arousal

Female sexual arousal as a tool of health and creation in women is one of the most understudied parts of a woman's mental and physical health care.  A big part of the problem is that there is simply no funding for it.  Science is mostly funded by the Pharmaceutical Industry which is very interested in "finding cures" through medication.  As a result, most research in sexuality is funded around pain not the benefits of pleasure. But if we look closely at the pain research that is being done around sexual arousal we can find scientific validation that pleasure heals, and sexually arousal is a healing tool.

In a recent study on the benefits of sexual arousal and orgasm for treating pain by Barry R. Komisaruk, PhD, a distinguished service professor at Rutgers, the State University of New Jersey, he found that orgasm releases a hormone that helps raise your pain threshold.

Dr. Komisaruk also found that stimulation without orgasm can also provide the same benefits. “We’ve found that vaginal stimulation can block chronic back and leg pain, and many women have told us that genital self-stimulation can reduce menstrual cramps, arthritic pain, and in some cases even headache.”

Pleasure heals.  And I believe that the state of arousal may actually be the secret source of every woman’s power. If it wasn't; why would our genitals be the first thing that is attacked when society wants to subdue women? Throughout history, women have been severed, often  from their sexual energy, preventing them from using it for anything other than the service of men. When the circuit is disrupted, severed, shamed or abused, women numb out.  It's our genitals that are mutilated, our bodies that are raped so that we are so traumatized that we lose our power, and it is our sexuality that is even sometimes put under garments to cover all of us and make us invisible even to ourselves.

Learning to access and use arousal is the beginning of becoming whole

Arousal is the ignition switch of the female erotic engine, that potent driver of sexual energy that is life force itself. Is it any wonder that arousal heals?

It's time for a new understanding of  female sexuality. It stops being about merely the orgasm, the lover, the marriage or the commodity for sale.  It's about teaching women how core female sexuality is the fuel that lights up a woman from within.

When she’s in an aroused state, when the erotic engine is humming, mind and body collude to give her that instantly recognizable and enviable show-stopping ability. Think Cleopatra or Michelle Obama. Marital status, age, sexual preference, body size or health issues just don’t matter. This is for all women. When women learn how to tap into and access their arousal they rediscover or perhaps find for the first time that hotbed of energy to unleash each woman’s full potential.

When we stimulate the vagina (and yes, I mean all of the parts) we stimulate the production of dopamine. Dopamine is the neurotransmitter responsible for sexual arousal. In an aroused state our senses are heightened, we are more focused, flushed with creative energy, self- confidence, highly motivated and just plain sexy.

We tend to race past this fertile and delicious state in hot pursuit of the orgasm. The “Big O” is something that we’ve been brainwashed to think is the only successful outcome every time we go near our genitals. In the mad dash to climax, we get gypped of a free,  organic state that doesn’t require anything other than giving your vagina attention.

The uniquely female life force, turned back on itself shorts out the vagina-heart-brain circuit. With the wires fried, women often find themselves disconnected from their own desires on the most basic of levels. Some women make themselves sexually invisible, consoling themselves with addictions (shopping, food, alcohol), or tumble into depression and anxiety. Many of these women are leaders in so many parts of their lives. CEOs to Supermoms, it doesn’t matter. When this circuit disrupts, the breakdown is often private and unseen to the casual observer. Too many women are still faking it on the deepest of levels when it comes to their relationship with their bodies. They cover up numbness and fear often with either compliance or anger.

So while the primary focus in accessing arousal is not about how to have great sex, you will. As one of my coaching clients said: “My boyfriend has not changed his techniques. Nothing looks different really from the outside, but damn – sex is hotter than it’s ever been in my life.” That’s what I am talking about.  I also believe that women who work with their arousal in an ongoing way, are on their way to find their own fountain of youth.

So how do you get started? It's really simple.  For many of us that means we need to by-pass the neo-cortex, hand-slapping, nay-saying part of the brain, and dive right into the pelvis. You need to put your attention on your genitals.

Start slow and easy, when you’re alone and there’s privacy. Wear your clothes or don’t. Whatever makes you comfortable.

In a comfortable seated position, feet firmly on the floor, cup your vulva, palm up, from the front with your fingertips pointing back.

With eyes closed, start rocking your pelvis back and forth.

Focus your attention on the sensations generated by your vulva filling your hand , your muscles clenching and releasing, your pelvis rocking

If you’re feeling adventurous, throw in some Kegels, squeezing and releasing your pelvic floor.

As your awareness of sensation increases–and it will– let yourself move and lean into the rock.


When you feel heat rising, when you start to feel pleasure, you’ve arrived in that juicy activated known as arousal. And you’ve done it without any of the usual agendas — no imperative to reach orgasm, pleasing a partner or satisfying a fantasy. This simple exercise can begin your journey of connection to your own body. It can mark the end of numbness. It can even heal.

One of my clients, we will call her Sarah, was so disconnected from erotic engine that she couldn’t identify pleasure in any parts of her life. She was sexually non functional, depressed and on heavy medication. She kept telling me that she couldn’t feel her genitals, that there was no pleasure there at all. So fully clothed, (we were working through video Skype) I asked her to cup her vulva and begin to softly rock her pelvis while learning forward . I coached her to allow her vulva fill to gentle fill her hand. We did this exercise quietly for about five minutes. When I saw that she was very relaxed and into her own body, and that her face was beginning to flush. I asked her is she could feel anything?

Sarah opened her eyes and tears begin to flow. ” I feel heat. I can feel my body!”

It was as simple as having her put attention on her genitals in a way that didn’t have to lead to anything other than feeling erotic energy.

Moment of awakening. The first step in getting the engine cranked and it’s so simple. It’s all about the arousal.

The Art of Being Sexually Selfish! A Complimentary Tele-Seminar

Join Pamela Madsen and Neal Wecker internationally known Certified Somatic Sex Educators with over 30 years of combined experience in adult sex education for a unique complimentary tele-seminar on exploring the state of sexual selfishness. Learning how to receive and be sexually selfish is essential for deep arousal especially for women. For women,their erotic excitement has to be able to break form from 'taking care of others' to a place of valuing and living their arousal.

The 'Art of Being Sexually Selfish' will explore ways for women to break through their barriers for the pleasure that they desire and deserve. The reality of the need shows up so clearly in the fantasy about being utterly taken, taken without her having to care about someone else in her experience of surrendering. Come and explore the 'Circle of Consent' and so much more.

The call will take place on Tuesday, August 26th at 5pm PT/8pm ET. After the call Pamela and Neal will stay on the line to answer questions about Back to the Body: Sensuous Retreats for Women and private sessions.

Self Register for this Complimentary Seminar Here

We hope you can join us!

The Epidemic of The Angry Vagina

  This past year, I have seen what has felt like a rising epidemic of “The Angry Vagina”. And I am not talking Eve Ensler's Vagina Monologues here, although I did read the “The Angry Vagina” before I wrote this blog. I actually thought for a moment that this concept of an angry vagina was new. That I had somehow discovered it in my coaching practice! Silly me. The idea of an angry vagina has been around for a long time. It's just that I hadn't noticed them before.


The fact is that I hadn't thought about this concept of “The Angry Vagina” until I started to meet them on a regular basis in my sexuality coaching practice. Sure, there are vagina's that are angry about yeast infections, thinning vaginal walls, latex condoms, and tampons. But I am talking about something very different; women having conversations with their vagina and their vagina communicating to them a sense of rage, anger, disappointment, and sadness.


A big focus of my work is supporting women in listening to their bodies by tuning into and accessing their erotic arousal.


I guide women on a very simple somatic (through the body) clothing on exercise where they simply cup their genitals and rock. I have dubbed this “Lotus Life Meditation”. I have done this exercise with almost every woman I have worked with this past year. As the women rock on the hands many of them can begin to feel the slow building heat of arousal. Sometimes, this is the first time that they have felt their own arousal in a very long time. And for others, it is the first time that they have felt their arousal separate from beginning some other kind of sex act. This simple act opens up a communication pathway between a vagina and it's woman.


In this guided meditation, we simply feel, listen, and even question our bodies using the energy flow of arousal. In this soft trance states, the women are asked to tune into their bodies and “ask” their “pussy”, “vagina) “yoni”, “vulva” “cunt” (whatever word they are comfortable with), how their “lady parts” are feeling. I often hear words like “honey”, “soft”, “happy”, “sexy”, “hot”, “tingling”, “connected”, and “alive”. But more and more I am hearing these words: “angry”, “rage”, “broken”, “sad”, “pissed off” “disconnected”, “nothing”. And then there are shocked tears. Each woman who expressed these darker emotions were shocked that these words came out of their mouths as they spoke the emotions of their angry, hurt, ignored, and disappointed vagina.


I witness tears rolling down faces and stunned eyes as they realize that they have not been listening to their own bodies, and that their vagina had some very real things to say to them. And so we begin a practice of having an internal dialog between a woman and her most sacred parts. Some mental health professionals call this “counseling with our parts”. Where we actively invite a body part to communicate with us. It's an incredibly healing practice, and often eye opening for the “owner” of the part. So this is what I learned about angry vaginas from their owners this year.


1. Vagina's want to be held and touched and not just when sex and orgasm is on the menu. They like a good cuddle.


2. Vagina's want their pleasure taken into account and they are tired of being rushed.


3. Vagina's want their “no” to be heard. Vagina's hold stories of sexual trauma for a very long time and need lots of support to heal. They don't want to be rushed.


4. Vagina's want attention paid to their climate whether it is ovulation, menstruation, peri-menopause, or menopause climate shifts, they want to be cared for and heard when the weather changes.


5. Vagina's want to be told that they are beautiful.


6. Vagina's will shut down and numb out if they are ignored.


7. If Vagina's are ignored long enough they will get furious and can begin to hurt.


8. Vagina's want to be asked.


Vagina's are resilient and they want to feel connected to their woman. Our job as women is to create the time to do just that. It's simple really. Create a space where you can be quiet. Begin to tune into your body by noticing your breath. Close your eyes and put one hand on your genitals and one hand on your heart. You can rock, or cup and move arousal energy or not. The most important thing is the connection. Try to tune into this incredible space between your legs and ask your vagina a question such as “How are you feeling?” and see what she says.

It can be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.


Would you like support?

Please request a free consultation by emailing at

Join Pamela for a special workshop just for women all about connecting to our vaginas. This workshop is clothing on. Learn more here about the June 11th workshop in NYC.

Check out our retreats at Back to The Body: Sensuous Retreats For Women

Check out my meditation. It may be a great way for you to get started.

Consider a VIP Day with Pamela.