Sex

4 Tips On How To Change The Sexually Hungry Marriage

It can go like this: You want sex and your partner doesn't.  Or your partner wants sex and you don't.  Or it seems like neither one of you want sex and are more interested in watching NetFlicks. What's up with that? You know that you love each other and yet the idea of sex is just not that exciting and that seems somehow wrong. What then? The issues of sexual desire, unmet erotic needs, mismatched libidos, and the ravages of time in a long term relationship or marriage are among the most common rants of the sex unhappy. I know, not only because I work with hundreds of women who are living it right now, but because I have been a sex unhappy wife. I had the guts to do something about it, managed to stayed married (33 years this summer). Yes, I was a child bride.

Couples can become sex unhappy for so many reasons.  We have: mismatched time clocks, work pressures,  family pressures,  our sexual tastes can change over time including what turns us on, and married sex can fall into a boring routine. As my husband so clearly put it in an interview; "We knew exactly what was going to happen every time we had sex."  And then there is  self image; many men get concerned about their erections as they get older, and many women get sexually shut down by their relationship with their own bodies.  Illness can change our bodies and our sexual appetites: it can be a lot to deal with breast cancer or prostate cancer and face some very real shifts in how we function in our bodies erotically.  One thing is for sure, the sex unhappy marriage is a painful place to hang out in.

As a sex unhappy survivor, I think it's important to understand that it's normal for sexual desire to wane a bit in long-term relationship. I don't think people are always honest when they participate in surveys about how often they have sex and that creates a feeling that “something must be wrong with us”.  People don't want other people to know what is going on in their bedrooms. It's scary. They worry about being judged, or that they or their relationship is somehow broken.

As a sex coach, I personally think there is a lot more to marriage than sex—but that sex is still an important part of marriage. The fact is, my husband and I have a beautiful marriage. We are life partners. And we don't have sex twice a week. Sometimes a months goes by. It's true. And I have other outlets for my sexual expression. I have cultivated that - and have helped other women cultivate that as well. But that doesn't mean that we are not physically affectionate with each other every single day. We hug, hold hands, kiss, cuddle, and sleep spooning around each others bodies. We communicate openly about our desires, even the parts of our sexual desires that simply don't match up. We have figured out a solution to make room in our marriage for all of it in a way that works for us. I am no longer a sexually unhappy wife, and I have my husband to thank for that. A part of that is not what he gives me directly—but how he allows me to be in the world.

Being sexual with each other is a choice.  And you need to be willing to put aside time, and attention for each other. This is all about doing something different and breaking the pattern that you are in. If you have reached a place in your relationship where you are ready to try on making a change from sexually hungry to sexually satisfied: I have some tips!

1: What is true is that we talk a lot about sex—but rarely to the person that we are having sex with. Having the sex talk, especially if you are unhappy, is probably the most vulnerable conversation a couple can have. Often we feel shut down around the sex conversation because we worry that our partner won't accept our true desires, or worse—that they will judge us or leave us. Just do it. Sit down and open the conversation with your partner.  Have a sex inquiry with them. Ask questions such as "What would you like that you are not getting?"

2.  Talk honestly about being sexually bored. It happens! Honestly, sexual boredom is one of the biggest reason we stop having sex with each other!  Perhaps it's time to take your sexuality with your partner out of the bedroom. And let's be clear, I'm talking about way more than having sex on the kitchen counter (even though that can be fun!). It may be time for a "SexPloration Vacation".   Have you ever taken a sexuality workshop together?  Or planned a private couple's sexuality retreat with sexuality experts? Here's the thing, no one really teaches us how to touch, speak our desires, and play erotically. Most of us learned about sex being quiet and quick. It was about shame, not getting pregnant or caught or catching an STD. Even if your sexuality evolved with more sexual freedom than that - most of us never learn to play erotically.  Everyone needs to shake off the sexual cobwebs from our relationship.  Trust me, you're not going to do this by reading a book or simply wishing for something different. You actually need to take action and that could take some courage, time and money.  It's so worth it.

3. Stop thinking about intercourse and put the focus on outercourse. Buy a massage table! Learn about giving and receiving erotic massage to each other! Really! I do this with all of the couples that I work with - and it's a winner! Putting your attention on each other on a massage table is a brand new experience for many people. And with some creativity the massage table can become a brand new sex toy in your home!

4. Play sex games that involve asking each other questions! There are many sex games on the market that invite communication and playfulness. Explore them.

Have the courage to do something different. Sometimes you just have to lean into your fear and do it. I did it. And trust me, my little adventure into becoming sexually whole is not ordinary.  Still, the world didn't fall apart. My husband didn't leave me. There was a little drama and a few tears, and the conversation about our sex life is ongoing.

You can have a sex happy marriage even in a long term one. It takes a lot of vulnerability, less talk about being unhappy and more action into changing your situation! And remember, sex is like our economy. It has its ups and downs—but that doesn't mean you can't be in it for a very happy and fulfilling lifetime.

Fifty Shades of Relationship: 8 Tips on Keeping it Hot and Together

I'm not just a sex expert, I've been"happily enough" married for 30 years. That's no small achievement and I'm happy to wear the merit badge. I also live an out of the box life erotically  and support others to evolve their own sexuality on their own and in their long term romantic relationships.  Recently, someone called me a "Marriage Whisperer" but we don't have to whisper. Let's face it, after you say "I do", you evolve.  If you don't evolve in your own life, you dry up and emotionally deaden. A sexual numbness can creep in like the fog on a San Francisco morning.  How can a person who is living an evolutionarily life expect their relationship to stay the same? Marriages, romantic relationships and live in partnerships need to shift and transform too other wise they fracture and die. I think that's the biggest reason for the  high split up rate in the United States.  Somehow, we think that if our relationship can't stay as it was when we agreed to "Happily ever after" that it's broken and it's time to move on.  Here's the thing, most likely you will confront the same issues again and again.

So how do you evolve and keep it hot and sexy in a relationship, marriage or long term partnership?

1. Commit to owning your own sexuality.  Have you really thought about what you want erotically in your own life? Do you have it? What has changed for you since you entered your relationship? It's crucial to do your own work. I have worked with countless women who have told me that they have never had an orgasm alone or with their partner.  Believe it or not, learning to access your shifting sexuality is often work best done at first without your partner!  Our sexual persona can sometimes get trapped in our relationship dynamics. Separating who you are sexually from how you engage with your partner is often the first crucial step.

2. Practice being sexual.  That's right, go flaunt yourself.  Wear clothing that makes you feel sexy.  Walk like you mean it. Go dancing. Read sexy books.  Touch your own body.  Change your look.

3.  Confront the fact that you might be sexually bored.  Honestly, sexual boredom is one of the biggest reason's relationships fail. Perhaps it's time to take your sexuality with your partner out of the bedroom. And let's be clear, I'm talking about way more than having sex on the kitchen counter (even though that can be fun!). It may be time for a "SexPloration Vacation".   Have you ever taken a sexuality workshop together?  Or planned a private couple's sexuality retreat with sexuality experts? Here's the thing, no one really teaches us how to touch, speak our desires, and play erotically. Most of us learned about sex being quiet and quick. It was about shame, not getting pregnant or caught or catching an STD. Even if your sexuality evolved with more sexual freedom than that - most of us never learn to play erotically.  Everyone needs to shake off the sexual cobwebs from our relationship.  Trust me, you're not going to do this by reading a book or simply wishing for something different. You actually need to take action and that could take some courage, time and money.  It's so worth it.

4. Compliment your partner.  When was the last time you told your partner that they did a great job giving you pleasure? Kindness and encouragement go a long way.

5.  When was the last time you brought something new to bed? That's right; I am talking sex toys. Take your partner on a desire tour. Plan a date around inviting something new and sexy into your relationship. There are so many new and exciting sex toys on the market. Grown ups like new toys too; buy one!

6.  Get real. When was the last time you and your partner actually talked about your sex life? Do it.

7.  It's only kinky the first time! What about sharing your sexual fantasies with your partner? This tip goes well with tip number 6.  And don't get discouraged if your first "kinky" experiment doesn't go well. Try again. We need to practice being sexual and trying new things! And consider doing something different that is just for your partner. Maybe you are not "into" being tied up but it doesn't freak you out and it really turns on your partner.  Maybe be willing to try it on for your partner if it is "neutral" for you.  Sometimes our kinks don't line up but they don't repulse us either.  Being able to offer your partner their sexual fantasy can be a great big turn on and can create an opening in your sexual relationship.

8.  Let the other person win the fight!  You don't always have to be right.  You know the expression: "Do you want to be happy or right?" Sometimes, it's worth it to let go of being right in favor of being sexy together.

 

Screw Resolutions: 4 Tips On Creating Your Own Sexual Evolution

I've got something for you to consider. I don't have any New Year's Resolutions because I made one big resolution when I turned 50 and that was to turn New Year Resolution's into New Year's Evolutions! I declared that I was going to make my 50's the fullest I could possibly make it. It's a "Decade Evolution" where everyday is all about bringing it up, turning it on, molding my life, self examination and expanding the conversations in my life. I choose my fifties to be as intoxicating and productive as possible. I decided to fill this decade with giving generously to others, expanding the conversation around sexuality, knocking down walls, honoring my heart, new adventures, and a personal expanded sexuality. Ordinary simply does not interest me and I have let go of this idea of arriving.

Richard Dawkin's the evolutionist says that you don't wake up one day and find yourself to be old. You just very, very, very slowly go through all the stages of your life until one day you notice that you have gradually gotten lines on your face, or your hair has shifted to gray along with the rest of you. And somehow, without even noticing you have gone from mid life to old age. The evolution of your heart and sexuality is like that too.

You don't take a course, or work with a coach, or even do a retreat and wake up sexually evolved or have love and relationships handled. It's an evolution of becoming. Of opening your heart to new possibilities and experiences. It's about building new pathways in our bodies and in our hearts.

Collecting the data and processing it all. Slowly, slowly, slowly we work our way to a place in our bodies and in hearts that is a kind of arriving until the next place. It can happen so slowly, that you can arrive in this expanded place of being one moment after days, weeks, months or years of evolution. The journey is a gift not to be rush. Each evolution a turning point.

What about you?

What if you choose a New Year's Evolution instead of a Resolution around your relationship with your sexuality, your body image or your relationships. What would change in your life? Can I inspire you to flip New Year's on it's ass? Evolve instead of Resolve?

It's so much sexier!

Tip Sheet For Your Erotic Evolution:

Now that you get that this is not a THING you do to ARRIVE, but a delicious journey that you go, of course I have some ideas:

1.  BEND: Re-Define and Re-Imagine Relationship: There is nothing like learning to bend and not break. And I am not talking about learning how to do a yoga backward flip in bed as much fun as that could be! But after 50, we have done some living and you don't need the same things you might have needed in your 20's and 30's in relationship.  You may not need a partner to raise a family with. You may still be happy in your 30 year marriage but bored sexually. How can you re-define and re-imagine your current relationship or create a new one? Change your expectations around who your perfect love and sex partner may be.  Try letting go of  old beliefs about what you need to be happy in love and sex.

2. PRACTICE SEX: Re-Claim Your Libido:   It's true what they say: "Use it or Lose it".  Yes, I know you may be in peri-menopause or menopause. You have have physical body changes and emotional body changes after 50. But what if I told you that this could honestly be the hottest time of your life? That you can evolve hotter after menopause? I know that to be true. But if you don't practice being sexual you will numb out instead of firing up.  Self Pleasure, buy sex toys. Read erotica. Just do it.  Vibrators, lubricants, hormone replacement therapies and anticipation are a must!  What we actually do about sex, relationships, our relationship with our bodies and the choices we make in regard to our sexuality are crucial.  We need to practice being erotic!

3. Re-Imagine Your Sexuality: Do you flirt? Do you put on clothing that makes you feel hot? Who would you like to be sexually? How can you evolve there? There is so much out there in the world to support women after 50 to re-imagine, re-define and re-claim their sexuality. Consider working with a sexuality coach or go on a sexuality retreat created just for women. They do exist.

4.  Move the Fuck On: I know. Not very classy. But this idea of throwing this phrase at unpleasant situations, relationships, or ideas can be very freeing. Just say it out loud: "Move the Fuck On"! And it fits so many occasions! Good bye old belief about what I deserve in life!  I'm moving the Fuck On! See you later, unappreciative boyfriend!  "I'm moving the Fuck on! See you later 2014! I'm moving the Fuck On! You know, it even can work with the "WAH WAH WAH" voice in your head that tells you that you are not enough, not loved, appreciated or seen. Even THAT voice. Sometimes, you just need to just "Move the Fuck on" in order to feel hot and sexy in your own body.

Funny how things that change overnight often are years in the making. Earthquakes for instance. Plates deep beneath the surface move, shift, bump and grind for eons. All that subterranean actions sends up warning tremors, little rumbles that are often too small to notice. Until the big one hits, the one that shatters windows, brings down buildings, and snaps bridges in two.

You can be an an erotic earth quake after 50.

You really can evolve.

 

Reclaiming The Female Erotic Body

Imagine a society where a girl grows up being taught that her genitals are beautiful, sacred and belong to her.  In this culture, this girl might then grow up to become a woman who is able to live in her own bright light and not be frightened, constrained or shamed by her own femaleness.  I have never met an adult woman who was raised with her sexuality being celebrated and honored. I am hopeful, for the next generation. But that would mean we would need to stop regulating female sexuality and reproduction. We would have to come together as a global community, stand up and declare that a woman's body belongs to no one but herself.

I want to live in a world where women who are empowered in their bodies and their sexual expression are not thought of as dangerous or slut shamed. Where women are not taught to separate their erotic nature from the most vital parts of our lives other than sex.  Where women are taught that their erotic nature empowers their work, creativity, and their ability to serve their community.

As women, we need to forward the way in which our communities can truly be different.  What if the erotic nature of women truly is our life force energy? What if my belief that this erotic energy transforms and fuels us to a greater expression of creativity, learning, loving, working, painting, dancing, cooking, parenting, and enjoying our lives? How can we support girls and women to have this?

Every women needs to know she is welcomed, honored and worthy of having pleasure in her body. Every women needs to be taught from the earliest age that her vulva is beautiful, that her desires are important, and that she is worthy of attention.

Women who have not been raised within this loving environment need to have their wounds healed. Most women are raised with some level of shame around the appearance, smell, or discharges from their genitals. It is only in recent years that menstruation is being honored for young women, and only in segments of our communities. Because so many women have been raised with fear around their own sexuality, we have learned to numb out and disconnect from our bodies. Women need to be given the opportunity to reconnect to their bodies and their sexual feelings. This is a kind of re-parenting of the body: where each women is given opportunities to focus on simply feeling and focusing on sensation.  For a woman who is raised with shame, fear, or hurt in her own sexuality, it may take time for her to drop her full body armor and open.

Without real and relevant sex education, women are raised without knowledge of their own genital anatomy - let alone what could possibly give them pleasure. Most women do not have partners who also understand the female body. Our men, were not given an education either. So if women and men do not know what is possible erotically for a woman - the experience of sexuality can often be less than pleasurable or not as beautiful as it can be.

It is possible for women to self connect to their own erotic bodies; even women who have been traumatized and not just neglected or shamed on subtle levels. Women can be shown how to reclaim what was always there and find all the joy that their are capable of feeling in their bodies.

Once women are able to deeply feel all the aspects of their sexuality and bring it fully into their lives - they will begin to demand from themselves and from those around them a level of integrity that is full of radiance. No one some want to keep it all under wraps. A fully erotically empowered woman will evaluate all of her life: her partnerships, her work, and even where she lives. She may make changes. She may no longer settle for what is convenient or conventional.

A fully embodied self loving woman will finally let go of the fear of her own deepest cravings. She will no longer be frightened of the loud, wild "YES" within herself.  Imagine all of us being able to claim our pleasure - and where no one has to retreat into fear and numbing. It's possible.  I have bore witness.

Sex For One: Tips For Women Under 50 and Happily Ever After

Somehow we get it in our heads that we need a partner for sex. And while partnered sex can be fabulous and exciting, it never takes away from our need to become an expert in our own eroticism. .

I had one of my clients say to me; “If I have to do it for myself, it's not worth anything”. Oh contraire. Sex for one is not a lousy second prize. It can be a delicious meal that we get to eat just for ourselves.

It's also important part of being a woman. For younger women self pleasuring can help them learn their own bodies in a safe, private and shameless environment. Becoming an expert in our own erotic landscape is an important part of becoming a self sustainable sexual being. This early on self exploration can set up younger women for a lifetime of full on sensual pleasure.

The most successful partnered sex interactions involve people who can understand their own sexual desires and what makes them feel good. If we are comfortable in this knowledge, it is an amazing gift to not only bring to ourselves, but to our partners.

For single women and women after 50, self pleasuring can become a vital means of keep their vaginal health. Without sexual play, vaginal walls become thin and can create an atmosphere of easy tearing and painful intercourse.

And there is lots of research that show that women who self pleasure (masturbate) on a regular basis report an over all better relationship with sex, sexual satisfaction is higher and they just feel better about everything to do with sex.

So, how do you make self pleasuring a better experience?

1. Set the stage. You are going on a date with yourself. What kind of a date are you? How are you going to show up for yourself? Think about putting on music, sexy clothing if that turns you on, and maybe lighting a candle for yourself.

2. Take a long sexy bath and consider beginning your “foreplay” there. The bath or shower is a very private place if you share your home with others. And, the bath and shower can be a delicious self pleasuring tool. Water can be an incredible tool for arousal and orgasm. Use the hand shower or prop yourself up so that the water stream can hit you in just the right place. Just play in the sensations. You can add in your hands to bring yourself more intensity. Experimenting with water and self touch can make you feel like you are on your own erotic adventure. If you have a hot tub with jets, put your body in just the right place and you can have sensations that you have never felt before. Be curious and playful with yourself! Play with distance and angles of the water stream.

3. Your own hands on your own body may be one of the best sex tools around. Consider not being genital focused to begin with. Use some lovely coconut oil (or lotion of your choice) and give your body some delicious all over touch. Play with your hair. Touch your breasts. And all of the rest of you. Some women do not have breasts due to cancer. Allow your hands to come to where your breasts were, or over reconstruction. Your fingers have memory of the sensations. Allow the memory to come through.

Touch yourself where it feels good to touch yourself. Move your body. Allow yourself to make sounds. Make touching yourself your own activity. There are no rules. When we are children we train ourselves to be “quiet and quick” when it comes to masturbation. We don't want to be caught. Well, you are all grown up now. Make noise and take your time.

Try holding your vulva and simply rocking to begin with. Start by using the palm of your hand and apply gentle pressure by gently pushing down. You might also like a deeper pressure. Experiment with what feels good to you. Sometimes it feels good to start slowly and gently awaken your own arousal. Take your time (how many times am I going to say that?). Gently touch or pat your clitoris with one finger. Some people like to use their pointer or middle finger to start. Play with the pressure and the speed. Use lubricant if you feel dry, it will increase your pleasure.

4. Consider bringing in the toys! Self pleasuring toys are available almost everywhere these days and many of the shops that carry them are run by women. If you don't have such a shop by you, you can order on line from many of them. There are so many different toys to choose from in every price range and style. Experiment! Buy a few and spend time with each one. I tell my clients to go on a date with their toy! Use it all over your body, not just your genitals. If you are not having intercourse in your life on a regular basis, consider bring an “insertable” toy into your self pleasuring practice for pleasure and for vaginal health. Women have an incredible range of pleasure possibilities inside their vagina and pelvis. Explore them!

5. Explore parts of yourself that perhaps you have never explore before like your anus. Anal play can be very sexy and most women don't go near their anus. You can begin by simple using your hands and give yourself a massage. There are also anal vibrators, beads and anal plugs that you can buy to add to your own self pleasuring experiments.

6. Read yourself sexy! Erotica can be an incredible turn on and can enhance your self pleasuring experience.

Take the time to love and explore yourself. Sex for one is not less. Its a full and delicious meal.

 

The Two Of You

My mentor recently told me that I lead a very examined life. She does too. She reminded that leading such a life is not everybody's cup of tea.  Mostly, because it's not always so easy - all of this self examination. But let me assure you, that there is a lot of pleasure and curiosity and love in there too! And in my self examinations, I think I find nuggets that may resonate with you. Here is a big one! Currently, I am working with my third chakra. You can find it in the area of your solar plexus. Energetically, it's the place of bridges. The connector place for me and perhaps you in your body. It's where we hold our sense of self.

Going deep inside my bridge, I am able to see that there is one part of Pamela that knows she is beautiful, sexy, loving and desirable. I worked really hard to reclaim that part of myself.  Countless hours on the tables of Sexological Body Workers, taking workshops, looking in the mirror (you name it, I probably did it on my road to reclaiming myself).

And there is this other part of Pamela that is younger and has been breed in our society, reinforced by media, and negative messages. That Pamela fears rejection and believes on some level that I am not enough on any level.

Both of these women are me, and they are both real.  Do you ever feel that?

Sometimes the Ice between those two places is really thin and can crack. I think that I am not alone in this place of wanting to bridge and weave these two parts of myself together in a deeper and stronger way.  I want stronger ice!

I think it's the path of so many of the women that I work with. We have been shamed in our sense of self, and we are or have reclaimed this place where we know that we are loved and accepted by our own selves and by the world.

It can be a fragile system. We can in one minute totally know we are sexy and then then we can become triggered by who knows what and the system can collapse.

I am paying attention to my third chakra and I invite you to do the same. This internal place of the bridge. It's where we need to sit in a women's circle and knit together these aspects of ourselves. .

We are all the entire package.

Relentless

Recently one of my clients called me "Relentless" as I held on to her ankles (virtually through Skype) as she struggled to make a big decision about moving forward in her journey.  She was scared of making the leap from thinking to doing. I’m experienced in that  and I was hanging in there to support her in her leap into open and integrated sexuality without life-threatening injuries. I wanted her courage so badly for her because I got exactly where she was in her life and I knew what was possible. I wanted that so badly for her that I was willing to be "Relentless".

I know how painful the body-less life can be because I spent so many years as a head. I was a beautiful head, but I was just a head.

The truth is there’s a better than even chance we’re more alike than not.

Dark hungers and darker fantasies? Got ‘em. Feeling weird even admitting them? Been there. Worried about feeling like a freak? Well, I survived those moments, too, and I’m here to tell you there’s nothing freakish about it.

The ultimate goal is to  free all of that up, and reconnect the body with your brain.

I not only teaching women to recognize arousal, help them look at it without shame and take progressive steps to begin the work of self-acceptance and embodiment.  I lead women on an exploration of their own true natures and helps them use sensual pleasure to heal the typical array of issues that afflict most of us. I mean everything from body dysmorphia, eating disorders, erratic sexual desire and general crankiness.

I connect them with resources and opportunities to take it even further.

I encourage women to tune into their bodies and sensations with "sex games" that they can play on their own in private or with a partner.  I show women through my own adventures, that it’s a fun trip worth taking.  

I get it. What I preach and teach defies easy categorization. I blend my education, personal experiences and share real life vignettes that can take women out of the world of sex how to books to a brand new relationship with their bodies and the world.

My purpose in the world is to leave breadcrumbs for women to follow on their own road to sexual wholeness. What I teach, embody, and cheer lead is unique to me.

I’ve spent thousands of dollars on unconventional sex ed--from countless sacred sexuality workshops to private sessions with sexual healers. My underground education ignited such liberating changes in the rest of my life, that I couldn't keep all of this a secret. My job is now to responsibly show other women what is possible when they let go and look at their sexuality in a brand new light.  

When women take a bite out of my offerings whether it is one on one coaching, or a Back to The Body Retreat, a VIP Day, Private Retreat or even just reading my book Shameless; I am offering women the insight and skills to love themselves just as they are. I want to help women shed the fear of their own desire and to be open to pleasure, things we’re not conditioned to do.

It's not about quid pro quos, no have-tos, no 365 positions to memorize to please your partner and get off. What I believe in is  the antithesis of the orgasm Olympics book. This is a one-of-a-kind work devoted to the concept of sensual pleasure as a transformational, healing tool.  

I know that denying desire comes at a cost to everyone –our partners, our families, even our career peers. I also know that losing the shackles of sexual shame, unabashedly grabbing erotic pleasure with both hands and integrating the sexual self can make any woman happier in the body she’s in.  No raw foods, fiber drinks, exercise programs or cleanses. And who in their right mind doesn’t want to be a happier woman?  Or be around one? Just ask my husband.

My desire is to safely shepherd women into the wilds of desire and throw open the door on the vast universe of diverse pleasures.  With empathy and a wink that can only come from someone who’s walked in their Birkenstocks (and traded them in for thigh-high leather boots), I’ll show each woman who comes across my path how to befriend her body, unearth her erotic self and welcome her in. It’s possible to have true pleasure in all spheres of their lives.

People seem to be starving for my particular brand of good-natured, open sexual plain speaking. Right now, it’s hard to find information that goes past the superficial without plunging right into scary. Women excited by the idea of sensual spanking, for instance, may find a beginner’s piece or two. But further investigation often takes them on a hair-pin turn directly to a dungeon and a flogging post. Too much, too fast and too alarming for a novice.  By contrast, I offer them ways to express their desires one safe step at a time. I gleefully and sensibly fill the yawning information gap.

I’m willing to take controversial stands. I propose that extended pleasure and the Organic Orgasm are more intriguing than female ejaculation and the g spot. I suggest that we’re so performance driven that we’re all suffering, needlessly, from orgasm anxiety. 

Here's what true. We all have our season of sexual discontent. We all have those seasons and they’re unpredictable. It’s a bit like climate change. For some the wintry itch erupts between boyfriends. For others there’s chill that hits in the middle of a pre-nup negotiation. Some get triggered during a marriage, after the kids have grown, post- divorce, the onset of peri-menopause and beyond.  

Basically, women struggle with this all the time. Why? The answer is complex but it boils down to the fact that our sexuality has been severed from the rest of who we are. That vital life force has been sanitized, shrink-wrapped and buried like pirate’s booty. Instead of the bracing zest of feminine erotic desire, we watch the Photo Shopped blemish-free girls get to play. They’re the entitled ones. They don’t look anything like most of us do when we catch our own reflections. The message? We, the ordinary mortals, aren’t deserving of pleasure. Not unless we lose weight, get that job or finish that project. Pleasure is constantly receding on the horizon of our own self-loathing. Self-denial is epidemic.

I am relentless about breaking this down. And I will hand Sleeping Beauty her first Red Bull.  And I don't mind if you call me "Relentless".

 

Join Pamela Madsen and Ron Stewart in NYC for Two Fabulous Workshops On April 26th and 27th in NYC

On April 26th at 6:30pm Join internationally known sex educators, Pamela Madsen and Ron Stewart for an evening of movement, breath and bliss.

“Exploring The Connection between Yoga (mindful movement) Meditation & our Sensual Body: An Interactive Play Shop For Conscious Adults”

This clothed workshop will take on the latest in scientific and somatic explorations in pleasure, arousal and body bliss states. The latest research has documented what many sex education pioneers already know: that states similar to orgasmic bliss can be found through meditation and mindful movement practice. By learning how to connect to these trance states through meditation and yoga, you are able to access arousal states that you can bring into your every day life and your bedroom. Yes, you can OM your way to a more delicious orgasm with yourself or with a partner.

In this workshop you will experience:

The benefits of being in aroused and enlivened states

You will experience in a safe and non erotic way, the path to stimulating the dopamine stream with or without a partner

Experience simple exercises through intention, movement and meditation to help convert arousal energy into life force action

Understand practices that will help you connect your genitals to your yoga and meditation practices.

Explore sensual energy as a part of a spiritual practice of meditation and manifestation

Learn how using these tools of enlivenment can lift veils of invisibility from our lives and improve self-image, enhance self-confidence.

Introduce an entirely new language that re frames the full erotic experience

To learn more about this idea please check out this article on Psychology Today: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/shameless-woman/201203/your-brain-sex-or-meditation

Date: April 26th, 2014 Time: 6:30pm to 9:30pm Location: The workshop will be held in a studio on at 115 Wooster Street in SoHo NYC Ring buzzer Apt 2F Cost: $35.00 Reservations are required: To reserve your spot and to ask any questions please contact Pamela Madsen at 917 703 3785 or email at Pamela@backtothebody.org

Who is this workshop for? Men and Women (all gender orientations and sexual orientations). Please wear comfortable clothing as we will be moving. You do not need to know Yoga or have high levels of physical fitness in order to participate fully in this workshop. We will be doing gentle, easy movements that most people will be able to participate in. This workshop involves no nudity.

To Learn more about Pamela Madsen please visit http://www.PamelaMadsen.org/ and to learn more about Ron Stewart please visit http://skyclad.ca/

Please send me an email to register: Pamela@backtothebody.org

On April 27th at 6:30pm

Falling Into The Gap: An Exploration of Mindful Touch and The Pleasure of Surrendered Receiving

Join Internationally known Sex Educators Pamela Madsen and Ron Stewart for an extraordinary workshop on the tools of touch and embodiment. The key to a delicious sex life with your partner or with yourself is understanding how to give and receive touch. Our fingers, our eyes, and our breath are all tools for connection. This seems basic and yet most of us have never been taught these skills. It’s all suppose to come “naturally”.

This clothes on workshop invites intrepid explorers (singles and couples) of all ages, genders and sexual orientations to learn with us in a playful and non-threatening environment.

Participants will discover that both the giving and receiving of touch is not only fun and delicious, it’s also transformational and healing. Through a series of mini-lectures, demonstrations, movement, breath and touch exercises, we will open our hearts to what is possible through the power of touch.

What you will explore:

* Communication and Boundaries -. Overcome the fear of setting limits and be comfortable with your own boundaries. Explore your own “pleasure ceiling”, and challenge yourself to raise it.

* Mindful Practices - Movement, breath and meditations will be offered to help participants become present to the subtleties of giving and receiving touch.

* Touch Explorations - Through guided exercises, improve your touch skills and deepen your capacity to connect with self or partner(s).

* Receiving Pleasure - Utilizing conscious relaxation,verbal/non-verbal communication and active receiving, we will heighten our ability to become more present to pleasure.

Date: April 27th, 2014 Time: 6:30pm to 9:30pm Location: 115 Wooster Street in SoHo NYC Buzzer Apt 2F Cost: $35.00 Reservations are required: To reserve your spot and to ask any questions please contact Pamela Madsen at 917 703 3785 or email at Pamela@backtothebody.org

To learn more about Pamela Madsen, please visit http://www.PamelaMadsen.org/

To learn more about Ron Stewart Please visit

Please wear comfortable clothing. We will be doing gentle, easy movements that most people will be able to participate in. This workshop involves no nudity.

Join Internationally known Sex Educators Pamela Madsen and Ron Stewart for an extraordinary workshop on the tools of touch and embodiment. The key to a delicious sex life with your partner or with yourself is understanding how to give and receive touch. Our fingers, our eyes, and our breath are all tools for connection. This seems basic and yet most of us have never been taught these skills. It’s all suppose to come “naturally”.

Falling Into The Gap: An Exploration of Mindful Touch and The Pleasure of Surrendered Receiving

This clothes on workshop invites intrepid explorers (singles and couples) of all ages, genders and sexual orientations to learn with us in a playful and non-threatening environment.

Participants will discover that both the giving and receiving of touch is not only fun and delicious, it’s also transformational and healing. Through a series of mini-lectures, demonstrations, movement, breath and touch exercises, we will open our hearts to what is possible through the power of touch.

What you will explore:

* Communication and Boundaries -. Overcome the fear of setting limits and be comfortable with your own boundaries. Explore your own “pleasure ceiling”, and challenge yourself to raise it.

* Mindful Practices - Movement, breath and meditations will be offered to help participants become present to the subtleties of giving and receiving touch.

* Touch Explorations - Through guided exercises, improve your touch skills and deepen your capacity to connect with self or partner(s).

* Receiving Pleasure - Utilizing conscious relaxation,verbal/non-verbal communication and active receiving, we will heighten our ability to become more present to pleasure.

Date: April 27th, 2014 Time: 6:30pm to 9:30pm Location: 115 Wooster Street in SoHo NYC Buzzer Apt 2F Cost: $35.00 Reservations are required: To reserve your spot and to ask any questions please contact Pamela Madsen at 917 703 3785 or email at Pamela@backtothebody.org

Please wear comfortable clothing. We will be doing gentle, easy movements that most people will be able to participate in. This workshop involves no nudity.

Payment for both workshops will be at the door. Cash Only.

Mothers and Daughters: Sexuality and 'The Mother Wound'

Daughters complain a lot about their mothers. And mothers can talk endlessly about their difficulties with their daughters.  Much has been written about "The Mother Wound" which is this idea that collective generational pain is passed down from mother's to daughters. For daughters it can feel like we will never be quite right for our mothers. This feeling that we will never totally win our mother's complete approval. We are too fat or thin. Not feminine enough or showing too much skin. This feeling that our mother is always comparing us to someone elses daughter or even our sister, who has a better job or does more for their mother. It can be about our parenting, our dress code and most of all—this unspoken shame around our sexuality.

Many daughters feel that they have to remain sexually small because how dare they want to have more sexual freedom and pleasure than their mothers had.  Or maybe their mother's were sexually or emotionally abused—and there is this fear that if the daughter is sexually alive the same fate will befall her. The daughter may not even know this on a conscious level, but somewhere deep inside, she knows that she cannot explore who she is on a sexual level because it will trigger her mother's fear and disapproval.

In my sexuality and intimacy coaching practice and at my retreats, "The Mother Wound" has been one of the prevalent issues that lay right under the surface for so many women.

They keep themselves sexually small because they don't want to threaten other women or call too much attention to themselves. There is this fear that "something bad will happen to them" that they will not be able to control. Or worse - that they will be blamed. They compete endlessly with other women and have this feeling that they cannot trust other women.

After all, some feel that they couldn't they trust their mother to protect them or see them as they truly were/are.

They have this secret fear that they are broken in some way and not worthy of creating what they really want in their lives. There is this fear around shaking things up too much. Women talk to me about attracting men into their lives that step all over their boundaries or are "safe and uninteresting". When asked about their desires, there is only this vague sense of unrest.

Many who struggle with their 'mother wound' take incredible leaps forward in exploring their sexuality and then self-sabotage by dropping out with excuses that range from money and time to feeling that they have gotten all that they need. Mostly they are frightened "of going too far and falling off a rail". The fear of anyone finding out that they are exploring their sexuality is extraordinary. No one wants to be a "bad girl" for real. So instead, many women develop anxiety, eating disorders, depression, addictions and complain of a general feeling of numbness in their genitals that we call "Low sexual desire" or "Low Libido".

So many of our mothers were raised in service to others rather than ever thinking about their own needs. They have their own mother wounds. It's important to remember that our mothers are someone else's daughter. She may have all of the same feelings that I just described above.

How is she suppose to teach and support her daughter to be anything other than filled with these same feelings of shame and comparison? This is a legacy that is carefully protected, shrouded in fear, shame and conflict. As daughters so many of us want our mother's approval; and if that means remaining small so that we do not challenge our mother's belief's about being a woman we will do that.

For many daughters that means shutting down their sexuality instead of taking on her own sexual power and potential. The risk of rejection and shaming is far too big a fear. I wonder if that is why so many women wait until mid life to sexually awaken. By then we are far enough out of the house, have accumulated  enough life experiences of our own, and we may have lost our mother through death or conflict.

Many of us develop a late life compassion for our mothers and a deeper understanding of our mother as daughter. That she is/was a product of the same legacy. We begin to  know at a deeper level in mid life that we will not lose our mother's approval or love—or if we do we are strong enough to walk away from the legacy.

While it may still feel risky for a woman to step forward and decide to connect to her body, her sexuality and a practice of self loving and pleasure out of a fear of risking angering and rejection from her mother—somehow in mid life we seem to be gathering the fortitude. As daughter's age, many of us come to this awareness that while our mother's may have given up parts of herself to her own mother—we no longer have to. We can break the cycle. This does not mean that we deny the legacy—it actually means that we take it on and look at it. Often there is grieving to be done.

In order to fully get into our bodies and let go of the fear of our own sexuality—it is vital to look at our own mother wounds as they are the foundation on which our relationship to our sexuality and our bodies are built.

As daughters we cannot repair or save our mothers lives. But we can choose to offer ourselves and our mothers compassion. We can offer our mother's and ourselves understanding and forgiveness. And we can step away and fulfill our own potential as women without this underlying fear that our relationship with our own pleasure and sexual expression is something dangerous and an act of defiance against our mother. We can step into our discomfort of "leaving our mother's behind" or even perhaps feeling their envy as we live lives that they were unable to have. In mid life many of us feel the disappointment that our mother's have in their own self sacrifice and the hunger for what they didn't have. Perhaps it is this maturity and ability to see what our mother's have held in their own lives that creates this burning mid life desire not to forever limit our own true potential. In mid life - it can feel like now or never. It is finally time to become all of those things that we repressed in fear of hurting, angering or betraying the sacrifices that our mother's made for us.

It becomes time to love our bodies as they are. It becomes time to be as big, creative, successful and  smart as we can. This can be a remarkable time of rebirth and recreation in a woman's life. We want our own experience of being a woman, and this reaching for our full potential is not about abandoning our mothers. It is about finally realizing that we will never be able to fully pay our mother's back for what they gave us—or letting go of the deeply held desire to win this approval and love. It is the final falling out of the nest.

And as a mother who is a daughter we have work to do too.  Being a mother is one of the hardest roles we will ever occupy. Occupying motherhood in our world is a job that no one can prepare you for. And it sets you up for all the old feelings of being a daughter like being competitive with other women—only this time it's about your kids plus all the other stuff that you were carrying before. It's hard to confront all of the "Mother" feelings when we think we are enlightened. This is not "old world" feelings. This is a legacy. In our own role of mother/daughter, we may be trying to take back our own sexual power while we are seeing our children out pace us. It can be terrifying to feel fear for our daughters while we envy them.

"The Mother Wound" is one of the most complex obstacles women face, and it's the leading cause of women staying small. As women we may have a tremendous amount of anger for the boxes that we are put into and the sacrifices that we make as mothers. Where can we talk about feeling left out in our daughters lives? Hating being the one that has to be the constant giver and nurturer? Who can we speak to without shame that we are tired of being in service to our daughter's whims, desires, anger and resentments?

There are few safe places to bring this rage and confusion. While there are a few advocates working hard to provide those safe places like Nekole Shapiro and her Holistic Peer Counseling Program for Birth and Parenting—these programs are rare and new.

It's time for all of us to take a look at the mother wound. How it has affected us as mothers,  daughters and ultimately as women. It's time for us to peek at how the mother wound has affected our relationship with our bodies and our sexuality. It would be wonderful if young women could do this—and it's not too late ever for any woman of any age to do this work and have this transformation.

I have seen women in their fifties, sixties and seventies heal their wounds and take back their bodies with extraordinary pleasure. I have watched them experience their sexuality in ways that they felt were completely out of the range of possibility for them. I have been inspired by women who have left the regret and the legacy behind them. It is a stepping out and letting go of the internal monologue of 'mother wound' self criticism, guilt, shame,  fear, and obligation that robs us from our full potential.

This wound can be healed and women can have lives that are full of love, self acceptance and sexual expression. I see it happening everyday.

 

What to do after reading this article?

Please leave a comment! Like it! Give a Tweet! And share.

Have you read Pamela's book? "Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time To Cook Dinner?"

Want to Join Pamela's community as a gift? You are welcome to join her community where you can find more information on sexuality and women. Membership is usually $25.00. This will be waivered. Just put Blog Reader  Offer in your profile. You can learn more here.

I'm Not a Goddess

I have a confession to make. I'm not a Goddess. Honestly, I don't think I ever was. But everyone loves the idea of being a "Goddess" and calling each other "Sister Goddess". It's like "the thing". Especially among new age sex educators and their flock. So, I do it. If it makes you feel sexually empowered to be called a Goddess: then poof you are a Goddess. At Back to the Body: Sensuous Retreats for Women, we often call the women Goddesses. It's meant in a loving and playful way. We want to permission women to be in their full body expression and to feel powerful. and if calling yourself a Goddess gives you permission and empowerment, then why the fuck not? Embrace it. Be a Goddess.

But I'm not a Goddess. I am a very unusual and very normal woman. I understand to you that I may not seem normal - but to me that is who I am. I am sometimes insecure about so many things. My normality and fears runs the spectrum from weight and aging to my ability to create the life I want. I have kids. I worry about them. I have friendships and an expanded sexuality that can put me through my paces. I have a marriage of 32 years.

If I think of myself in grander terms, I'm the Queen of my own life. I have the power to put into motion the kind of life that I want to live. I am magical like that. I can choose what I'm willing to show up for, and I can disappear. I can bring you into my court - or I can banish you. I have the power to live as fully as I want to. Queens can give gifts and she can surrender her kingdom. Queens can also be betrayed, lose their lands and have their hearts broken. Queens are both powerful and vulnerable. And yes, I suppose the same could be said for Goddesses.

But I am mortal. I am a woman. I take the trash out. I get that this confession may make me way too normal for you. But for me, my life is pretty sexy.

What about you?

Loving you from here,

Pamela

Fair Energy Exchange in Sex and Relationship

It's time to talk fair trade when it come to sexuality and intimate relationships! Are you giving as good as you are getting and are you getting as good as you are giving? The concept of fairness and balance in energy exchange is not a new one, in fact I found a few articles and blogs about this idea on the internet. But I first heard about it in conversation with a friend over lunch. It seems reasonable, but somehow until I heard the term "Fair Energy Exchange", it didn't put my own feelings about giving and taking into perspective.

Most of us understand trading money for physical things, or even trading physical things for physical things. Ever go to a card swap? While we trade physical things, we are all also involved in trading energy on some level. We may on a very subtle level be also trading our emotions or thoughts. Have you ever bartered? Struck a deal? What did that feel like to you?

So, in the world of physical trading, it's all about everyone getting what is fair in value. In a fair energy exchange it's all about each person getting a fair and agreeable or balanced share of the effort and energy being put out and received in relationship.

People don't just steal or take advantage in business. People also steal, take advantage, or make bad trades when it comes to another person's energy.

Beware the energy suckers! These are the folks that are really good at getting, but rarely put out. They can literally steal your life force energy in order to feel better themselves. Energy suckers can keep you waiting, those folks that are consistently late for everything. Energy suckers are often insensitive to the emotional or physical state of another person and continue on with their own agenda. They may also demand unreasonable things and cause stress in the lives of their friends and family. Energy suckers can also steal ideas and pass them off as their own, such as writing about "Fair Energy Exchange" and saying that it is an original concept! It's important in energy exchange to give credit.

Fair Energy Exchange in sex and intimate relationship is crucial even in "Power Relationships" when one person is dominant and one is submissive. When a submissive gives to a dominant, the dominant also has responsibilities in supporting the submissive's needs at the back end. In every kind of sexual relationship, no matter how kinky or traditional - there is an energy exchange and fairness counts.

If you believe in what you give comes back to you, the universal law of Karma, we need to be aware of the balance of what we are taking and giving in a relationship. How we give back may be very varied. It may not be an orgasm trade!

So pay attention to your energy exchanges. It's important not to get stuck in a pattern of over receiving and over giving. Spending too long in each pattern will eventually cause a relationship collapse. We need to think about how to give back the energy in healthy amounts to the person that is giving to us, and this is not always as straight forward as it seems. Some ways of giving back can include touch. Giving a massage without receiving one back. Reaching for a hand, or putting an arm around your intimate partner while you are walking. using your "love language" with each other. Is it important to your intimate partner to be called by a nick name? Do you have a special way of signing off emails? Taking the time to listen without inserting your own story. Texting, or phoning just to send love. Planning an evening out, or even the traditional bringing of the flowers are all examples of ways to give energy. Taking your partner on a trip, making sure that their is wine in their glass, the possibilities are endless for way that we can give and take energy in intimate relationships. It is all about balance and being aware of the other person. So much of energy exchange is subtle. It can take the form of kind words, sharing our creative thinking, cooking meals, and even how we react verbally or physically to each other. How can we offer sexy fun, healing, compassion and support to each other?

We live in a world that is full of transition and erratic energy. Everyone it seems is going through something in our every day lives. The world is calling for our attention, and demanding our time. It's hard to create the time and attention that is often required for a fair energy exchange. It takes effort to give and receive pleasure, love, caring, and intimacy in our everyday lives.

It's important to remember that whatever we receive, is taken from somewhere.

We can also take a more proactive perspective to energy exchange. We can help build kindness reserves by giving more than we take. This is service. It's always our choice of what we need, want or expect in an energy exchange. It's just a good idea to be aware that fairness counts. Play fair everybody!

Do I Need Lipstick?

I love this Rumi most of all:  "Forget Safety. Live where you fear to live. Destroy your reputation. Be Notorious.

Not a big surprise, if you know anything about me. But it is something that I choose over and over again. I choose it when I wrote "Shameless".  And I am choosing it right now, simultaneously writing a book of erotica and a self help book at the same time.  I kept being drawn to both - "The Arousal Principle" and "The Surrender Games". And I worried that no one would take "The Arousal Principal" (the self help book), seriously if I wrote erotica (which for me is part memoir anyway!). So, I kept putting down "The Surrender Games", because I am a SERIOUS FEMALE SEX COACH! Right. And then I decided once again to follow my heart and my fingers and I am forgetting safety. Right now again, I am living where I fear to live. I am writing self help and sexy stories. I am running retreats for women that are so magnificent and out of the box, that they couldn't even imagine the box when Will, Ron and I created "Back to The Body".

Oh yeah. I might destroy my reputation. Who knows....I may be notorious already. Isn't that kind of wonderful?

I feel great. I am right where I should be.

What about you?

Can you let yourself forget safety? Can you live in that place of low vibration arousal where you have this tingle of anticipation that starts in your pelvis and rolls up through your body throughout the day?

Can you let yourself feel what it is to live where you fear most? You say you want to live with an open heart, and destroy the old patterns. You read all of us "self help" Goddesses to you are blue in the face. How many pictures with new age expressions can you "LIKE" in one day on Facebook?

Let me kick your ass. You can discover yourself anew and it will be risky. It always is. You may spend your fortune on your quest. You may break you heart a thousand times over. But you will fall in love. You might change the world.

Stop holding back.Really, I may be just like you. I have all of the fears. I have insecurity. I worry about scarcity. Sometimes I allow my ego to get in the way and have incredibly strong feelings of jealousy. Sometimes, I just worry if I'm pretty enough to get out there and rock this world.

Do I need lipstick?

You found me, this blog and perhaps my Shameless Community which is filled with people who want to create change in their lives and in some ways the world. Soak it up. Breathe in my intensity and make it yours. Dance. Sing. Write. Get Sexy. Fall in love with yourself. Hang out with your friends and love on each other with unbridled support. Laugh until your ribs hurt.Let yourself feel. You can do this.

We can do this together. Soak it in. And if you like, put on lipstick. I do.

The Guts To Do Something Different

I know, I have talked about doing something different before. I will again. Because it is such a big, important skill set to learn. It takes guts to do something different.  In somatic sex education (through the body) we talk a lot about re-wiring neural pathways to sexual pleasure. That is what can happen when you do hands on work with a somatic sex practitioner. It is an amazing experience.
But there is also another piece to the puzzle on sex and relationship, and that is reprogramming our emotional neural pathways. What happens when you begin to feel restless, unsettled, anxious? Can you stop a minute and notice the hotness? That moment when you instantly grab for something? You know the something....that thing that you do when you are in one of those moments. Do you constantly threaten to leave your relationship? Do you withdraw? Abuse a substance? Throw things? Is it the same thing that you do repeatedly? Does it get you anywhere different? My guess, is that it doesn't. Think about doing something different ahead of time. What do you want to feel? How do you get there?

When you feel it coming on, just stop for a minute. And bring in your pre-planned new pattern of behavior or wing it! It can be really hard to do this. We want to reach for the familiar because even in it's dysfunction - it comforts us. Ask for support for this change in response from your friends, lovers, partners, therapists and coaches. It is through this constant paying attention and witnessing of our own emotional reactions that we can create the sexy, playful, beautiful experiences that we want to fill our lives.

 

Surviving The Relationship Roller Coaster

Maybe it is my age, or the age of my friends. But we all seem to be going through exactly the same stuff - just in different forms. We take turns talking about lovers, husbands, partners and how we are able to take care of ourselves while we ride the roller coaster of relationships.

We talk about the intensity; our the desires and the pain. The questions about whether or not to go forward and how do you let go. We worry about regret and how to take care of others while taking care of ourselves.
The problem seems to be in assuming that there is one truth, one deep authentic truth, about a relationship... and whether people admit that or not they tend to hold onto a universal wonder that sounds something like this:  "I will never truly know how he/she feels in his heart about me".

Well, most likely, neither will he or she.  We don't settle on one truth forever. Emotions move and flow, and if you think you can keep them in a box, forget about it. They will never stay the same.

Real life  is much more nuanced and paradoxical . Plus the deeper the relationship, the more obvious the extremes.

Think about some of your hottest relationships. You may experience ongoing waves of emotion. One day yes, one day no.  Sometimes, you can swing between these extremes for months and months and months.

This, to me, is not a sign of vacillation or weakness but a keen observation of how it works to be human.

To my eyes and heart, the highs are in intimate lockstep with the lows... it's like pushing a child on a swing, back and forth... the swing can't go further forward without also going further back...

Once I stopped believing this should be different than it is, I fell into the most amazing peace... embracing the highs and lows as they come.

Come on, I have shared with you here a  that secret most people would never believe: that there's an intimate connection between pleasure and pain... more intensity in one brings more intensity in the other.

It's the same here with emotions and "truth". Pulling back allows a deeper penetration... separating sets the stage for merge...

Sometimes, we have to suck it up, breathe through it, surrender to the simple truth of it. The essence of passion is paradox. The essence of comfort is predictability. What do you want?

This is simply how the process works.

If you feel like you are drowning in your relationship. That the high and lows are flooding your soul, I am here to say that you are not drowning. Whatever you choose will be perfect. These deep karmic relationships have a life of their own and people make up stories about why they make the choices that they do. But this is waaaay beyond rational choice or even emotional choice at times. Trust your body. You will know when to step forward, and when to step back... your body is telling you... now that you have opened your body, it can be your guide and compass.  You are doing the work. Now you can fire on all cylinders.

Enjoy the waves.
Loving you from here,

Pamela

A Year of Pleasure: Do You Have a Pleasure Plan?

It's an interesting question, isn't it? I spend hours everyday "channeling the Goddess" in women, and sometimes their partners. What I have learned, is that everyone needs a "Pleasure Plan" and often that means reaching out of the box! How do we feed ourselves pleasure? Perhaps it's not the story book romance that we thought we would have in our lives. Or our marriage beds have cooled, or there isn't a partner at all. Or maybe we just want something more or different? What then? Do we simply crumble and find ourselves in a very long season of discontent? Screw that. Do you want more pleasure, fun and adventure in your life? Then create the plan. Take out the calendar and start planning your own "Year of Pleasures". Start a journal about it. Blog it here in the community. How can you bring pleasure into your life?

I am dedicated to living a life filled with pleasure, and I love to inspire pleasure appreciation in others. It's my work, and it's my passion. Pleasure is my creative rocket fuel for all the parts of my life - and it can be yours too.

It's okay to go digging in your 401K for pleasure. You are never too young or too old to transform your relationship with pleasure.  January1st is just around the corner. Why not begin to plan for a new kind of New Year's Resolution? How about declaring your own "Year of Pleasure"?

Here are some possible starting places:

1. Consider doing a coaching series with me! The Queen of Pleasure! Let me help you tap into what you want, and let figure out how to get it. Learn about Coaching with "The Pleasure Doula" here!

2. Layout your calender and your finances!Put aside a budget of time and money. Give generously to your plan. Your life will transform. Really, the new whatever can wait!

3. Consider taking a "Pleasure Retreat". I try to have one every two months for an extended weekend. I plan for it. I pull every drop of pleasure out of that time. There is the pleasure of anticipation and planning, the actual event, and the after glow where I can roll it around in my mouth for weeks after! Go somewhere you have never been before. Figure out the food! What is your pleasure? Experiment. Your pleasure could be visiting gardens, it doesn't have to be sex!

4. Explore workshops! There are lots of awesome workshops in the sexuality realm! If you are a woman - consider joining me, Will and Ron at our winter "Back to The Body - A Sensuous Retreat For Women" limited to only six women! The timing is perfect for a New Year's Kick off for a year of pleasure or an early Valentine's gift to yourself.

5. Consider a private retreat with a hands on practitioner, and go on your own Shameless Journey......and yes.....of course I can help you there too! Don't know what I am talking about?

Read my book! Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner!

Face your life, and look to your desires, leave no path untaken.

The point is to make a plan. These are some ideas to get you started, and an offer of help.

Wanna talk about a Pleasure Plan? Send an email to Pamela@beingshameless.com and we can set up a free consultation.

Loving you from here.....

Pamela

The Place Where Sexy Flows

Lately, the gift of vulnerability and body image has been on my mind. I have just returned from coaching the newest class of Somatic Sex Educators to reach for certification.  I was there to  support their learning, but as it is with all things - I learned a great deal from them. In fact, I would go so far as to say that the experience cracked my heart wide open.  It was one of the most vulnerable experiences of my life, and it opened up a brand new place of creation for me. There is a physical and  spiritual liberation and power that happens through vulnerability. I was reminded of that this morning from one of the members of my Shameless Community in her blog. It was a great reminder. What I have discovered, is that I am not truly living and not in my power  if I don't open to the power of my own vulnerability. If you have never heard Brene Brown talk on "The Power of Vulnerability",  do it today! And if you have heard her, please listen again. It's that good and that's important. It is truly our work.

It's the place from where  sexy flows.

And my sexy has never been more in the flow. What is that about? Lately, what has been put in my face is what people are saying about me. How my physical appearance has been changing. The shape of my body. The softness of my demeanor. How my secret weapon is my big generous heart. My openness. And it has been a lot of that...holding all of how people are seeing me. And some of it, I don't love either. Folks wanting me to be smaller. Take up less air time. Jealous feelings. But they are all sacred mirrors. Right? It is beautiful and overwhelming. What was I before? Am I really so different or are they just seeing me in a new way? What about me has changed to allow others to see who I am, or am I really any of it at all?  It makes me feel vulnerable. And then it occurred to me that I always feel vulnerable, and if I am not feeling vulnerable about something - I tend to go find something to feel vulnerable about! The lack of vulnerability, the lack of a low undercurrent of anxiety in my life is usually an indicator that I am not living to my fullest.

And that apparently is a great big key for living an incredible full and connected life. Being willing to be vulnerable. And I truly believe that this starts with our relationship with our body and our sexuality. Being willing to go deep and be vulnerable with ourselves in ways that you may never have imagined is possible. That has been my secret to living life as a turned on woman. And I want to share it with you. I want to invite you into being vulnerable and letting the sexy flow in your own life and it is never too early or too late to move your feet in the direction of your heart and begin to open more to  vulnerability.  That is my secret weapon.  According to researcher, Brene Brown, " Vulnerability is the birthplace of joy, creativity, and love and whole heartedness".  When you can be brave enough to lean into this place  I truly believe that you will open to an entirely new level of  creativity and sexiness in your life.  I have gotten in my heart of hearts, that it is my openness to this that makes me truly beautiful - not my ass, or my tits. Vulnerable is what makes you beautiful. The hard part is recognizing where your fear is. And once you do, putting your feet in that direction. It's not always comfortable, but the results are incredible.

Sometimes it is just about being willing to learn into your fear, and not know if what you are doing is going to work out.  It's about not always knowing the script.  So here comes my invitation to you! Are you ready to go where the sexy flows inside of you?  Are you willing to be open to being vulnerable and have a completely new and extraordinary experience?   I hope so! It will forever change your life. It will bring you up close, and lovingly in the place of vulnerability and transformation.

"Back to The Body: A Sensuous Retreat For Women"

Back to the Body is a unique offering created for women to come together and immerse themselves in the pleasure of their own sensuality in a safe structured environment. More than a circle, this is a retreat that has been created to allow you to connect to your own Inner Goddess in the loving presence of women on a similar journey.

Come be held in Her arms, experience the full sensual possibilities that are present in your glorious body.  Ride the waves of pleasure deep into the mysteries of the feminine.  Dance in your own desire and play in the full expression of your sexuality. This retreat is limited to six women, and will be facilitated by renowned sex, love and intimacy coaches Pamela Madsen (www.bengshameless.com),  and Ron Stewart (http://www.skycladyoga.com) as well as another Sexological Body Worker on our team.

Is it time to reclaim, go deeper or celebrate your body? Join us.

A Taste of What You Can Expect:

  • Daily Hands on Taoist Sensuous Body Work Provided By Will Fredericks and Ron Stewart, Certified Sexological Bodyworkers
  • Additional sessions of one on one touch on various areas of your body such as pelvic floor release, scar tissue remediation,  or breast massage
  • Spa services including mani/pedi and facials
  • Organic Cooking and  Tantric Dining Experiences
  • Ritual Sensual Bathing Experience
  • Hands on workshops and daily practice with yoga, movement, meditation and dance
  • Opportunities to be silly, laugh and play
  • Group discussions on body image, orgasm, sexuality, speaking desire, understanding boundaries and how to open to more pleasure in our daily lives.
  • Surprise Events!
  • Fun Goody Bag (and I do mean FUN)

All participants will receive one additional coaching session with Pamela after the retreat completes.

This retreat is being held on a property known as Deer Leap. This place is a true sanctuary which will allow you to completely release yourself from daily obligations so that you may fully engage with your own present self, and nourish your body, mind and spirit. To fully immerse yourself in your Back to The Body  journey, consider this space a getaway in our beautifully furnished suite.

The living area is a 800 square-foot studio apartment which boasts vaulted ceilings, a wood burning stove, eclectic furnishings, private deck, and laundry services. This cozy yet spacious suite sleeps  6 people. We are going to have a fabulous sexy pajama party under it's cozy and restful roof.

The well-equipped kitchen and rustic dining table will show case our amazing organic and communal meal which will sometimes feel like intimate dinners and at other times feel like sumptuous feasts!

The suite has Internet access and TV with DVD player, sound system with iPod connection. The studio/spa is connected to our suite and we have two full bathrooms. The retreat also offers infrared sauna, and a large soaking tub where we will have our bath ritual.

The property is called Deer Leap which celebrates its 100th anniversary in 2014. A beautiful and majestic reminder of life in simpler times. The suite is located on a seven acre private landscape of trees, mountains and a hike up the hill will be rewarded with views of the ocean.

Originally built as a summer house for a shipping family, Deer Leap has passed through many ages and incarnations and now rests peacefully once more as a gracious home for a thriving family. Our hope is that your time at Deer Leep will welcome in the processes of healing and transformation that will take place through practices of sensuous massage, body scrubs, infrared sauna, dance, yoga, intimate conversations, and a spirit of play.

The Back to The Body Retreat is the event that will take place as you leave the city and arrive in this quiet part of the world surrounded by natural beauty.

Important Details:

Dates: July 3rd through July 7th. Cost: $4,000 inclusive of lodgings, food, pick up and drop off at airports and ferries, all services and special events

If you would like to set up a time to chat about coming, please send me an email at Pamela@beingshameless.com. xoxo Pamela

Sexual Desire is Like a Flower! It Grows When You Water It!

"If you don't use it...you lose it". Have you ever heard that phrase? How about "The more you get - the more you want?" Have you noticed that the word "insatiable" goes so well with the word "desire"? Almost like peanut butter and jelly!

There have been times in my own sexual awakening that I started to feel that exploring my sexuality is like that old saying about eating Chinese food. You can have a delicious meal and twenty minutes later you are hungry again!

Maybe I am exaggerating just a little, but I do think that if you do not stir the pot of your sexual being - you can become dormant just like a hibernating bear. Have you ever seen a hibernating bear on one of those nature shows after he wakes up? Just like the bear - once you wake up and begin to feed yourself - you can find that your hunger is extraordinary. And that hunger can be quite unsettling. How do we manage our hunger?

I love to talk about us "waking up your sleeping beauty!" And what I mean by that - is reawakening our sexual selves. But what happens when Beauty wakes up and the Prince is snoring? Or there is no Prince? How does Beauty feed herself? And don't take my metaphor too literally this can apply to men too!

I have been steeped in desire lately - I have a Shameless Life Coaching practice - and one of my clients is a lovely woman who I am going to call "Gena". Gena is in her forties and has two kids, runs her own business and after reading my book Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time To Cook Dinner began to explore her own sexuality by working with me and a Certified Sexological Bodyworker.

Guess what happened? Her inner "Sleeping Beauty" woke up! WoooHoooo! Fantastic! Well, actually feeling our newly found sexual awakening can sometimes be uncomfortable.

Once we start exploring what we desire, figure out how desire looks for us and how to reach for them - things can really heat up for us in our lives! Gena recently said to me...

"Speaking of desire I have a subject that I hope to get feedback about. I have a terrible time focusing on the requirements of my daily life. Since I started do deeply explore this part of myself - I have become so focused on sex! I have a business to run, friends, kids, parents, etc.

I crave all that goes with this quest. Following discussion groups, reading, watching videos, having more experiences, experimenting with Zestra and other ways of exploring my own sexuality for myself. And all of this learning, all seem to tug at me when I really should be working or doing the more routine, and often less fulfilling parts of my life. I don't feel comfortable sharing much of this with anyone in my immediate circle, which is obviously a problem I have to work on. I desire comfort in this new found joy. I'm unsettled. Like I'm waiting for something. It's hard to sit with the pleasure and happiness I experience in increasing amounts as I learn and incorporate more of the eroticism and deep excitement I often feel. Maybe that's it. Too much excitement for everyday pursuits.

How do other people deal with this? What do you do with an inability to satisfy yourself, in a complete, overall way? It seems like no matter what I experience I still have insatiable desire for more".

I don't think that Gena is alone. After we starve ourselves - and then taste food for the first time in a long time - it can be pretty overwhelming. The good news is that if we continue to feed ourselves our lives can become more balanced and we can kind up in a much better place.

What I have found is that it comes in waves. This insatiable need for more is always strongest in the beginning of ending sensual deep sleep.

Again, I liken it to survivors of famine who for a while after they are rescued hoard food or cannot stop eating. So many of us are starving in our bodies for sensual pleasure and a fully healthy integrated life.

It's just that sometimes we don't know our hunger until we jump start our bodies and come out of hibernation. And then the food tastes so sweet and our bodies just cannot get enough because we went too long without feeding it.

My suggestion is to everyone who is just beginning to wake up again sexually is to notice your hunger. I am noticing mine, and as you are able to - feed yourself. Perhaps you need a little more right now - then let your body have it. Reassure your body that you will not take this away from yourself ever again - that it IS available.

If you can afford it, explore taking a workshop and indulge yourself a bit. Look for new ways to feed and explore your own sexuality. Pleasure and sexuality can be found in so many things! Use your new found sexual energy to channel your creativity! Painting, taking up photography, cooking, dancing and yoga are all great ways to continue to explore and use your nearly emerging sexual energy.

Feeding yourself can be buying long black stockings and wearing them just for yourself! I have begun to buy beautiful bath products. I am addicted at the moment to LUSH. I give myself special long sexy baths .I acknowledge and feed my desire in different ways.

Please don't be frightened of your desires. Feed yourself in ways that reassures your body and your mind will be much more free to do what you need to do. Notice your desire. Do not judge it or decide that it is too much.

Consider seeing and feeling your desire as an indicator of your vitality! I often feel my desire in that way. I choose to feel that I am a beautiful sexual being in full bloom! When I feel my deep desire....I imagine myself as that flower after the rain and I allow myself to enjoy the feeling.

I believe that as our bodies learn that we will never go to sleep on ourselves again that we will become less agitated with all of these new feelings and we will become more fulfilled in how we live our daily lives. Sex is not an end point - it is an integral part of who we are.

For now, I have advised my client to eat freely and eat often. I am so glad that Gena woke up! And she is not alone. So many of us are finally acknowledging our desires, and wanting more for ourselves in this life. Feeling all of those feelings it isn't always comfortable especially in the beginning - but isn't it so much better than being asleep?

Home Grown Sex

My husband took the day off today. He just forgot to tell me that he was doing this, and I had made plans with a girl friend to go walking - and it was a girlfriend that I have trouble holding onto a date with. Gavin said go take your walk and then we will spend the rest of the day together, and then he told me that he was taking the next day off too.

There was the initial feeling of joy and then panic. What would we do together? We are so used to being passing ships...or docked ships. Do we know how to be ships that are actively in port together anymore?

I decided to do something that I rarely do in my marriage, on a mid week morning. I just got naked. I did what I often have trouble doing in my own marriage - and talk to people about doing in their own lives all the time. I reached for sex. I actually did more than that, I asked for sex!

I asked for sex that I wasn’t even sure that I wanted, but I asked any way. I didn’t give my husband a script. I didn’t tell him what turned me on. I just asked him to make love with me.

Gavin said - "You will be late for your walk."

I said, "No I won’t"

He looked at my nakedness and he came over and ran his hands over my unadorned body. "You know - your body is changing. I see you everyday so I don’t always notice, but you feel so different to my hands....your waist...oh....your ass.." He was positively purring. Well - this was a good start.

"There is a naked woman in my living room" He laughed. I left his arms and walked over to the bed.

"There is a naked woman in your bed....."

Gavin climbed in after me and simply enjoyed touching my body. The man has good hands.

I wanted to do something a little different. I didn’t know what - just something....in retrospect just having sex in the middle of the morning on a weekday was a little bit different!!!

I climbed into his lap and just started to "run energy" with him. Running energy is breathing into each other bellies, and feeling your pelvis's connect. It is very "Tantra". My husband is not very Tantra!

He was very unsure. We had to adjusted our bodies. I tried to do what I have often done in workshops with my husband - I tried to focus on root chakra energy and breath. I could feel him becoming aroused. Well, I guess his his root chakra was awake....I was feeling encouraged.

I laid back in the bed, And left my legs and bottom just where they were in his lap. I was completely relaxed...soft. He had complete access to my body....and he took advantage of that....

You know - My husband is fine lover after 29 years or so...the fact that we can even get a buzz on from each other is something worth celebrating! I am not going into the details, but with my husband - I simply don't worry "taking too long" or anything else. One of the joy of marriage is there is no self consciousness with him at all - there is just pleasure.

I return to consciousness, and began to love his body. This was not a day for rushing and I took my time with his pleasure. I think a lot about married monogamous long term sex. I was even thinking about it a little bit until his sounds of pleasure turned into softer breath, and a peaceful holding.

Was our love making this hot, frenzied place of passion? Well - No. But it was lovely....

I don’t know how long it has been in the space between our love making. Sometimes, life gets in the way of finding time for each other in this way. But perhaps the space doesn’t matter I don’t know. Perhaps what matters is that we can still come together, when we do come together and find pleasure with each other.

Our love making feeds me in the way that it feeds me. When we join together it is solid, without frills and deeply satisfying...

I had long ago stopped trying to create it into being something that it is not. I seem to only get into trouble when I want my marriage bed to something different than it is - when my expectations of my husband out strip where he wants to go....

But if I simply present myself - offer my body in a very simple way - this man reaches for me....and loves me so beautifully.

It is home made sex. Simple, satisfying and after almost three decades often without frills...but the kind of meal that you don’t have to worry about. You know if you bother to cook it....it will be just what you need. It will be enough.

Later that day - with the sun shining....Mr and Mrs took a walk in our neighborhood. We haven't done this in a very long time. We held hands the way that we have held hands since I was seventeen years old. It is all so familiar and it is all so home grown. It is a big piece of who I still am....this man....our family.....our little home. Gavin doesn't hold all the parts of me. But he does love, hold and know my heart like no one else.

Authors Note: This writing is from my private journals - and was written months ago. I hope you enjoyed it. It's Valentines Day and I am on the road without my honey - I was missing "Home Grown Sex"!

Look Out World: I Am Coming Out!

I really feel like I am coming out.  But what am I coming out as? If I was to sum it up - I would say that I am coming out as an integrated woman. Once upon a time - I didn't integrate my life. Because women are never actually encouraged to do this. We are expected to be one thing or another. We are either "professionals,"  "homemakers", "Madonnas or Whores". But I have decided to stand up for having an integrated life. It's not easy and it is already making some people uncomfortable.

I am out there swinging for the woman that wants to have a professional life, and still have a family.  And What if being a successful lawyer didn't mean that you could still also be around to cook for your family if that pleased you? What if you could be wearing sexy lacy panties under your business suit - and was meeting your lover for some fabulous sexual adventure after work?  I think that if women allowed themselves to truly embrace all that is possible - they would really have so much more!

Isn't this what we have been saying with the introduction of egg freezing? That it is okay to freeze your eggs now - and have your children later while you were figuring the rest of your life out? That you didn't have to choose? That everything could happen in it's own good time and that women could integrate their lives as they saw fit?

Could we actually be mothers, madonnas, workers and sexual beings all at the same time?  Perhaps the bigger question is will society know how to wrap their arms around us wants woman truly embrace all of their possibilities.

I am still fascinated with that damn study where scientists  hooked up women to machines to look at their sexual response - and their bodies register a response to the visual stimulation but the woman's mind did not.  What is going on? How do we help women connect these dots? There is something incredibley broken in that - and I want to help fix it.

I think that we are getting closer to putting the pieces together. But we will never get there if a woman's sexuality is still used to punish her. And even today - it is in so many ways. Well - I am coming out. I know that there will be stones - that my sexuality will make a lot of people uncomfortable - but there is always one penguin that jumps in the water to let the other penguins know that it is safe to swim.  Watch me jump! And I hope that I inspire you to take a look at your own life.

Look - times are changing! It is safer than it used to be for women  to live fully integrated lives - after all - I could never have found such a prestigious publisher such as Rodale Press to take on my memoir Shameless in another time. A publisher would have been too frightened to break open that particular egg.

But women are still persecuted today for being sexual beings. And when you are a woman about to come out in a big way - it is good to know this.  I hope that you will read my memoir Shameless.  I hope to make you laugh - inspire you to take a look at your own life - and see that anything is possible for a woman today if she decides to take the time for give it to herself.  I am looking forward to talking to you about my story - and hearing yours. On January 18th - the conversation will truly open across this country about women and sexuality. We will be talking about a lot of possibilities that no one really brought to the public stage before in a real way.  I am coming out. I am terrified. But I truly believe that we can  live in full color and have integrated lives.

Nothing is stopping us but a little bit of fear - and concern about whether or not you will be taken seriously if you dare be all of the parts of you.  Dare!

Harnessing The Power of Pleasure: The Joy of One Way Touch and a Hamburger!

Sometimes I have to be reminded to practice what I preach - and that means - keeping the little voices at bay that whisper not so sweet nothings into my ear.  My self sabotaging voices usually have to do with my body - or my ability to create the future that I want.  Even I need to be reminded to do what I  tell others to do - and that is to stay in each moment - and make time to get inside my body and turn my brain off.  For me - the most effective way to get inside my body is through one way touch. Literally surrendering on the massage table and allowing my body to open to pleasure and sensation.  Feeling hands on my body reminds me that I am beautiful and full of pleasure.  The dance between the massage therapist and my body - hand on skin - draws all of my attention inside to the feelings of sensation and magically takes away my chronic "monkey brain" that is always worrying about the next thing that I have to do.

I was feeling pretty burned out - it's fabulous, fun, and exciting to launch "Shameless" into the world - and I have been on a marathon - until January 18th - the publication date - I am also still working full time in fertility (something that will always be a part of me) so that means that every waking hour is devoted to something! A dear friend and mentor spoke to me and said "Pamela - this is not the time to forget what changed your life! You need touch! Get thee to a massage table - and out of that bag of pretzels!" Oh - I did what everyone does - I whined about not having the time or the money - but reached out anyway to the people in my life that support me. And after a few starts and stops - the beautiful and incredible massage therapist  John Ellsworth created time for me to climb on his table.

It's about receiving - and knowing that the person who is giving is also receiving - and there is nothing to do but be in my own body - feel my own breath - and move into his hands.  The other day I wrote about this study on my Shameless Woman blog over at  Psychology Today that I heard on  The Today Show during their hour long special on sex. The study that was cited was all about how over 80% of all women and over 70% of all men want to be tied up.  This does not surprise me.  They want to be "forced" to receive - "forced" to surrender to pleasure because so many people feel that they always have to give back - always have to "do" in some way - and knowing how to simply receive pleasure is something that is so completely foreign to us - that we want the ropes to enforce the boundary on reminding us to simply receive.  Of course - ropes can feel sexy too! And having the rope on our skin may be it's own turn -on.  I am just talking about a deeper place of meaning in this blog that the ropes can represent for people.

As for me - I don't need ropes anymore to encourage me to receive touch.  I just need a gentle or not so gentle reminder from my friends that I too need to create the time just to receive - and for me the massage table is just the thing.  For 90 minutes I went away - and when I came back - John pointed me in the direction of a wonderful little bar to get a hamburger and a martini. A real treat for me.  I walked around the corner - how I got there I am really not sure as I was still a bit punch drunk from all that fabulous touch - and sat down at a table for one.

It was good to be alone. I am sure that I was a sight! With a brand new hair do created by  massage oil and John's hands - and my slightly glazed over eyes - I was thankful that they seated me! I order my martini as I watched plates of salad go by. No - I wasn't going to have salad. I ordered a hamburger with french fries. Something that I would never do - it's a big scandalous for a chubby girl to eat so freely - especially in public. But I did.  I sipped - I day dreamed and I ate that hamburger - bun and all - down to the last crumb.

I sang all the way home my own little mantra - thank you - thank you - thank you!!! Ah the healing power of pleasure - I really need to harness it a bit more often!