Self Esteem

When Self-Loathing Comes a Knocking....

Most of us want to feel hot and sexy. We want earth-shattering orgasms - and to feel like those women look in those damn magazines sipping a Margarita with smoky eyes who are about to have the most incredible sex in the universe. Right? Maybe? Who knows - but I hate them. Seeing those images can make me feel confronted with what I am not and leaves me with this feeling that I am not enough. More than that - it is this feeling that I will never have in my life what I truly want because I just don't look like that.

And what is it that I want - you may ask? It's a simple thing really....I want to be deeply desired, and feel free in my body. I want to be able to know that I am sexy from the inside out and truly believe it - all the time! I want to be able to walk around naked and not worry about my ass shaking in a bad way! And don't give me platitudes.  I know them so well I could sing along.

I want to get so lost in my own wanton sexiness that orgasms flow from me like a water fall.  I don't want much - I just want to dance in my own inner sexy wildness! Is that asking for so much?

Lately, as I prepare to go on the first of many healing retreats, I have really been confronted with my own self loathing. It is shocking that I can still go to those places of calling myself names. After all, this true confession is being spoken by a woman who has professed to the world that I have conquered body shame and self acceptance by embracing my sexual pleasure. Am I a fraud - or am I simply real and honest? The fact is - that I have healed so much of the damage that I have walked around with for most of my life when it comes to my body image and my sexuality - but everyday as my feet touch the ground - it takes a little bit of courage to love myself just as I am. And that is the truth - to say anything else would be to over promise healing - like those 30 day miracle diets on television.

Several months ago in Wallstreet Journal there is a great article, Conquering Fear which is all about those nasty little voices in our heads that tell us that we are not enough - that we are fat and stupid. That our bodies are ugly - and that our boss hates us.

My book Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner (Rodale January 2011) is all about my funny, sexy, unconventional path to falling in love with myself again in the most unbelievable way.... And I did.

But  every now and then I get tweaked in an unexpected way. There are a few new videos that have been posted of me on You Tube from a conference that I recently spoke at - and frankly they make me cringe. I hope you enjoy them.  They make me cringe.

Every time I watch them - I get taken out of how I was "feeling" when I made those videos and I get stuck in how I believe I look. I hate my neck. My face is too round. I have a double chin in that angle. How did they shoot that angle? And I stop feeling sexy. Instead I get filled with self doubt - and worry. You see - I am a real woman. Isn't that reassuring? I am not going to give you pleasure platitudes and tell you that if you do this or that - all of your inner fears will go away completely. They don't. But it can get better.

This is what I can promise. If you work on embracing who you are - every single day just like a religious practice - things will change in your world.

In so many ways - it is like developing a healthy eating and exercising plan. There is a lot of self talk, and self encouragement that needs to happen. I have to do it too - even now.  Especially now! The voices of fear that tell us that we are not enough - or are broken in some way - don't ever really go completely away.

I hope that by showing up and being honest about how I feel and how I move through all of the hatefulness that I can throw at myself will inspire you to do it too. The fact is that most of the time these days - I feel smoking! I have a swagger to my step - and kick to my heels. I dress like a diva with a wink! And I still feel bad about my neck a lot.  You see - I still  have really big moments of self loathing. It's all a part of the process.....

Self loving is a practice. Let's practice together.


Do You Want to Live Your Life as a Turned On Woman?

In so many ways - I am an everyday woman. I own a mini-van and I don't have any tattoos. My hair is brunette with no pink or purple streaks. My nose is ringless. But I have a sexy swing to my hips, and a skip to my step. I have found the secret sauce. I am a turned on woman! What is a turned on woman? It's a woman who has figured out that sex begins with learning how to be a courtesan for herself first and foremost. It's about taking the time to look within and connect to our own sexual core. Once we figure out how to do that - a turned on woman will develop a deeper connection to her own sexual engine and be able to take that power source out into the world for the good of her family, friends, and community.

I wrote about my own experiences in becoming a turned on woman in my memoir "Shameless, How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner", but that was my journey. Every woman has her own journey. But what I learned on my journey is that sex is a power tool.

Sex can bring babies into the world, steal hearts, and over throw empires. So why wouldn't we use sex to enliven, invigorate and transform our lives? Have you forgotten about it? Or perhaps never really tapped into your own sexuality? Sometimes, we have to rediscover our desire for it. Learn to take pleasure from it - and learn to use sex to energize us from the inside out. The secret sauce is that our sexual energy can actually fuel our creative juices, enliven our relationships and connect us in a deeper way on our spiritual path.

Sex is pretty powerful stuff. But like the best kinds of energy available, it is clean, sustainable and self renewing. We just have to stoke the fires once in a while!

How can you begin to tap into this magical, mystical place in your body? One of my favorite places to begin with my coaching clients (who I have taken to calling my "Client Girlfriends") is to have them develop their own self pleasuring practice.

So many of my client girlfriends often bristle, and roll their eyes at the thought. The common refrain is "If I have to give it to myself what good is it?" or "I don't have the time to self pleasure" or "If I give it to myself then it's not worth very much!"

To that I say "We have to stop looking outside of ourselves for pleasure. We can't always expect someone else to give us what we want - and if we don't develop a self pleasuring practice how on earth are we ever go to know what we want when we are with a partner?"

That brought a light bulb moment to my clients who responded by saying "OMG. You are right. When my lover asks me what I like - I can't tell him. I have no idea."

This beautiful woman is not alone. So many of us have no idea what truly turns us on. I believe that it is incredibly important to figure this out in order to live as a woman in full.

The secret sauce to becoming a turned on woman - is inside each and everyone one of us. We just need some vitamin "P" (pleasure) to turn her on and energize her. Take the time to stoke your own fires - and I promise that you will smolder in a very delicious and sexy way all day long!

To this end - I am working with the Playing Ground - to develop programs are  "that devoted to awakening your passion and aliveness through the art of play and sensual rejuvenation. We are here to remind you what every child intuitively knows, but what too many adults have forgotten".

To that end - I am running my first workshop with Playing Ground - all about learning how to find your own turned on woman!  Perhaps you’ve never really learned to tap into your own sexuality - or you want to ramp it up! Well, it’s time to learn how to turn yourself on! And that’s exactly what this program is designed to do.

This live workshop will introduce exercises and provide advice from our panel of sensuality experts including Tomas and Joan Heartfield, PhD.  Joan & Tomas are skilled in the art of teaching a woman to live a turned on life and will provide the answers to all of your juicy questions!

The four-session follow up teleclass is designed to help you take the Secret Ingredients to Becoming a Turned On Woman into action. Each week,  I will introduce a new ingredient to add to your sensual repertoire. Living a turned on life is a practice and this series is designed to support you in making sensual maintenance part of your daily life.

Each evening will wrap up with a Q&A session that will give you direct access to my coaching expertise.

This delicious series dedicated to turn on will give you the tools to begin to tap into the magical, mystical places in your body. It’s time to own our sensual power as women and stop looking outside of ourselves for pleasure.

Come join us to heat up your fire and turn your light up high.

The Secret Ingredients to Becoming a Turned On Woman - Workshop & 4-Week Teleclass

Register Here:

Event Information: The Secret Ingredients to Becoming a Turned On Woman - Workshop & 4-Week Teleclass $149.00 | June 14, 2011 | Women Only

Tuesday, June 14th 7:00pm-9:30pm Teleclass: Tuesday Evenings June 21 | June 28 | July 12 | July 19 8:00pm-9:15pm Discounted Combined Fee: $149 Also available as options below: Workshop Only: $49 Teleclass Only: $125 This course is open to women only.

Address: The Meta Center 214 West 29th Street, 16th floor New York, NY 10001 Map and Directions

June 14, 2011

Start Time: 7:00 pm End Time: 9:30 pm