SHAMELESS

Enter My Shameless Contest!

Want to enter a very sexy and creative contest to win a sexuality coaching series with me? That's five sessions via skype or phone valued at $650.00. Post a sexy and NOT pornographic picture of you and my memoir "Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet: Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time To Cook Dinner and Found True Pleasure" on my time line on Facebook and the best picture will win a $650.00 coaching series with me! Check out the photo that I used for this blog to give you an idea.  Now that's HOT. For extra points add how "Shameless" influenced your life! Contest ends September 10th! Play. Be creative. Win!  Whatever pictures gets the most "LIKES" wins!!!!

 

A Peek Inside a Private Sexological Body Work Session

This morning, my client "Amy" met me for coffee and to check in before her final session Sexological Body Work session with my colleague Ron Stewart, Co-Founder of Back to the Body: Sensuous Retreats for Women, before she flew back to Florida. She read me her journal entries, and I was not only blown away by her sharing, but how amazing she looked. I asked her how she was feeling, and she said: "Whole, Satiated, Centered and at Peace". Ron and I have been in the NYC area running workshops and working privately with women, men and couples who are on their own journey back to their bodies.  Amy is one of the women who flew in from various parts of the country to work with us. I would describe her as lovely, fiercely independent, and in her forties. She is single and in transition in her relationship.

I got to know Amy after she decided to do one on one coaching with me through video skype. When the opportunity presented itself to do hands on work, she took the plunge and jumped in. She choose to do three sessions with us over three days. That meant that she got an hour with me to talk about it all, process, and then spend time with Ron having a traditional Sexological Body Work Session. We also shared a few meals together, and did a little sex toy shopping.

With her permission, here are a few excerpts from her journal and a follow up coaching session with me. Amy allowed me to share all of this because she wanted to support other women to take the leap, and change their lives.

"So I traveled to NYC today to start this mini-retreat to explore my sexuality. There is a part of me that thinks this is crazy and wondering what I’m doing. And although I’m a bit excited I can’t lie and say that I’m not having second thoughts right now. As it nears the time and VERY nervous and a bit anxious but I know that this is about me and being open to the experience so I go with it.

Meeting with Pam was good, centered me a bit before meeting with Ron and going into the hands on portion of my time. I’m guessing it’s because I’ve had massages before but I’m amazed at how easily I strip before Ron and get on the table.

The experience is amazing, Ron was really good at reading my body. He started with an extended massage which was perfect. I got comfortable with his touch and the idea of what we’re doing. I had my first orgasm and it was amazing. I experienced sensations I had never felt before and it was pretty spectacular. I told Pam and Ron that this was the first time I wasn’t self conscious about my body, perhaps it was because there is no relationship between Ron and I - not sure but it definitely allowed me to let go. I am hoping that I can carry that level of self confidence in my other sexual experiences.

I am glad that I came.

Session Two

Today’s experience was intense… I had shared that I was interested in playing a little bit with Domination so I got to experience a taste of that! I enjoyed it! Spanking (which I also really loved), anal play (WOW!)… and a lot more g-spot stimulation than yesterday. I think I had an orgasm for like an hour… there was an extended period of time where my body just shook. It felt like the urge to shudder was coming from the inside out and I felt it down to my toes. It was amazing… it was ALMOST too much - so hard to put into words. I have never experienced anything like that before.

At the end of the session Ron remarked on how responsive my body was, and I honestly didn’t know that I was responsive. Past experiences felt good but not body shattering, it was like there was a string from my nipples to my pussy and every time they were touched everything would clench. It was really surprising to me at how much I enjoyed everything, the last little bit of time all I could do was lay there and experience my pussy clenching and my nipples peaking… just amazing.

At first I thought I would just lay down and sleep for the afternoon but all of a sudden I’m ravenous and I have a ton of energy so I’m going to go outside and explore for a bit. :) Tonight is one of the workshops. I’m hoping that it will be a good experience.

Update - after a quick trip sightseeing I came back to the hotel and was knocked out, I slept for five or six hours straight. I guess this experience impacted me even more than I thought! And I guess, I found the cure for my insomnia! Something has definitely changed though… even while I was walking around today I noticed that my hips are swinging and my confidence has grown. Amazing what an orgasm can do!

Love."

Day 3 "I was curious about how today would turn out.  Yesterday was intense it was a life changing experience for me and last night and this morning I feel that delicious soreness of a body that was well used.  I woke up this morning feeling happy, I would even venture to say that I feel joyful.  I feel like I ‘fit’ in my own skin.  I shower, do my hair throw on my tightest skinny jeans, a sweater, leather jacket and almost knee high boots and I feel sexy.  It’s been a LONG time since I’ve felt this way.  I leave my hotel room to meet Pam with a smile on my face and she gives me one look and starts laughing… she says you look so happy and so pretty and I really feel it! :)

I was a bit nervous about today because I was so sore (my body simply wasn't used to all of this touch!) but Ron and I agree to start off slow and see how things go from there… after a bit Ron read my mind and brought out the Magic Wand… well there went my plan… I was soon begging for more.  Today was such a different experience from yesterday but another amazing one.  I had no idea my body was so responsive, I had no idea I could feel so deeply or intensely.  I had no idea that I could feel such pleasure where everything was centered on my breasts and my pussy to the extent that I felt pins and needles in my toes and my fingers.  How amazing is that?!  Coming out of today’s session I feel like I could run a 5k, my body feels alive, whole, centered and most importantly satiated.  Walking around on the streets of New York people are looking at me because I literally have a smile on my face.  It almost brings me to tears to know that I’m NOT broken, that I am a whole and complete woman who is just now scratching the surface in finding herself.

Pam and I have lunch and then walk to a nearby jewelry store.  I buy a beautiful piece of body jewelry… BODY JEWELRY!?  I mean so NOT like me, but putting it on I felt sexy and it’s a perfect tribute to this mini-retreat weekend.

Pam and I talked about my experience and about my decision to chose her to work with.  I told her that talking with her I felt heard, I felt validated and I felt she wouldn’t take any of my crap and I was right.  She pushed me in the right way and has helped me to start this amazing journey to find my sexuality, to understand my body and what it needs and to find myself.  I plan on attending the workshop tonight and hope to have more to tell of my story of Day 3.  In the meantime I owe so much to Pam and Ron for helping me to start this journey to finding myself."

Day 4 Heading Home

"I'm heading to JFK airport now and as I was getting ready this morning I was thinking about what I learned this weekend. 1. I learned that I'm not broken, in fact my body is extremely responsive to erotic touch. Who knew?! 2. I learned that I'm sexy and powerful in my skin. This one will take some time to get used to being comfortable with but I experienced it so I know it's there! 3. I learned that taking time for me is not selfish, it increases my capacity for love - both of myself and of others. 4. I learned that I am beautiful. 5. I learned that there is immense pleasure in being able to receive touch and equally as much pleasure being able to give touch. 6. I learned that there are men out there who are equally concerned with giving pleasure as they are receiving it.

This was an amazing discovery and I know that it is just the start of my journey. The question is really what do I do with this knowledge know and how does it change my current circumstances? Although I felt true and loving feelings for Chris is he the one for me? This morning, after some processing my instinct was no. But I know that I need to spend some time talking with him to be sure. I feel confident enough now that I can do that.

I can't thank Pam and Ron enough for this weekend. For opening my eyes and my body to my potential and for starting me on this journey to my own self discovery and wholeness. Next stop Tuscany! (I hope!)

Love."

And I can't thank Amy enough for showing up so fully and then allowing us to take a peek!

The Place Where Sexy Flows

Lately, the gift of vulnerability and body image has been on my mind. I have just returned from coaching the newest class of Somatic Sex Educators to reach for certification.  I was there to  support their learning, but as it is with all things - I learned a great deal from them. In fact, I would go so far as to say that the experience cracked my heart wide open.  It was one of the most vulnerable experiences of my life, and it opened up a brand new place of creation for me. There is a physical and  spiritual liberation and power that happens through vulnerability. I was reminded of that this morning from one of the members of my Shameless Community in her blog. It was a great reminder. What I have discovered, is that I am not truly living and not in my power  if I don't open to the power of my own vulnerability. If you have never heard Brene Brown talk on "The Power of Vulnerability",  do it today! And if you have heard her, please listen again. It's that good and that's important. It is truly our work.

It's the place from where  sexy flows.

And my sexy has never been more in the flow. What is that about? Lately, what has been put in my face is what people are saying about me. How my physical appearance has been changing. The shape of my body. The softness of my demeanor. How my secret weapon is my big generous heart. My openness. And it has been a lot of that...holding all of how people are seeing me. And some of it, I don't love either. Folks wanting me to be smaller. Take up less air time. Jealous feelings. But they are all sacred mirrors. Right? It is beautiful and overwhelming. What was I before? Am I really so different or are they just seeing me in a new way? What about me has changed to allow others to see who I am, or am I really any of it at all?  It makes me feel vulnerable. And then it occurred to me that I always feel vulnerable, and if I am not feeling vulnerable about something - I tend to go find something to feel vulnerable about! The lack of vulnerability, the lack of a low undercurrent of anxiety in my life is usually an indicator that I am not living to my fullest.

And that apparently is a great big key for living an incredible full and connected life. Being willing to be vulnerable. And I truly believe that this starts with our relationship with our body and our sexuality. Being willing to go deep and be vulnerable with ourselves in ways that you may never have imagined is possible. That has been my secret to living life as a turned on woman. And I want to share it with you. I want to invite you into being vulnerable and letting the sexy flow in your own life and it is never too early or too late to move your feet in the direction of your heart and begin to open more to  vulnerability.  That is my secret weapon.  According to researcher, Brene Brown, " Vulnerability is the birthplace of joy, creativity, and love and whole heartedness".  When you can be brave enough to lean into this place  I truly believe that you will open to an entirely new level of  creativity and sexiness in your life.  I have gotten in my heart of hearts, that it is my openness to this that makes me truly beautiful - not my ass, or my tits. Vulnerable is what makes you beautiful. The hard part is recognizing where your fear is. And once you do, putting your feet in that direction. It's not always comfortable, but the results are incredible.

Sometimes it is just about being willing to learn into your fear, and not know if what you are doing is going to work out.  It's about not always knowing the script.  So here comes my invitation to you! Are you ready to go where the sexy flows inside of you?  Are you willing to be open to being vulnerable and have a completely new and extraordinary experience?   I hope so! It will forever change your life. It will bring you up close, and lovingly in the place of vulnerability and transformation.

"Back to The Body: A Sensuous Retreat For Women"

Back to the Body is a unique offering created for women to come together and immerse themselves in the pleasure of their own sensuality in a safe structured environment. More than a circle, this is a retreat that has been created to allow you to connect to your own Inner Goddess in the loving presence of women on a similar journey.

Come be held in Her arms, experience the full sensual possibilities that are present in your glorious body.  Ride the waves of pleasure deep into the mysteries of the feminine.  Dance in your own desire and play in the full expression of your sexuality. This retreat is limited to six women, and will be facilitated by renowned sex, love and intimacy coaches Pamela Madsen (www.bengshameless.com),  and Ron Stewart (http://www.skycladyoga.com) as well as another Sexological Body Worker on our team.

Is it time to reclaim, go deeper or celebrate your body? Join us.

A Taste of What You Can Expect:

  • Daily Hands on Taoist Sensuous Body Work Provided By Will Fredericks and Ron Stewart, Certified Sexological Bodyworkers
  • Additional sessions of one on one touch on various areas of your body such as pelvic floor release, scar tissue remediation,  or breast massage
  • Spa services including mani/pedi and facials
  • Organic Cooking and  Tantric Dining Experiences
  • Ritual Sensual Bathing Experience
  • Hands on workshops and daily practice with yoga, movement, meditation and dance
  • Opportunities to be silly, laugh and play
  • Group discussions on body image, orgasm, sexuality, speaking desire, understanding boundaries and how to open to more pleasure in our daily lives.
  • Surprise Events!
  • Fun Goody Bag (and I do mean FUN)

All participants will receive one additional coaching session with Pamela after the retreat completes.

This retreat is being held on a property known as Deer Leap. This place is a true sanctuary which will allow you to completely release yourself from daily obligations so that you may fully engage with your own present self, and nourish your body, mind and spirit. To fully immerse yourself in your Back to The Body  journey, consider this space a getaway in our beautifully furnished suite.

The living area is a 800 square-foot studio apartment which boasts vaulted ceilings, a wood burning stove, eclectic furnishings, private deck, and laundry services. This cozy yet spacious suite sleeps  6 people. We are going to have a fabulous sexy pajama party under it's cozy and restful roof.

The well-equipped kitchen and rustic dining table will show case our amazing organic and communal meal which will sometimes feel like intimate dinners and at other times feel like sumptuous feasts!

The suite has Internet access and TV with DVD player, sound system with iPod connection. The studio/spa is connected to our suite and we have two full bathrooms. The retreat also offers infrared sauna, and a large soaking tub where we will have our bath ritual.

The property is called Deer Leap which celebrates its 100th anniversary in 2014. A beautiful and majestic reminder of life in simpler times. The suite is located on a seven acre private landscape of trees, mountains and a hike up the hill will be rewarded with views of the ocean.

Originally built as a summer house for a shipping family, Deer Leap has passed through many ages and incarnations and now rests peacefully once more as a gracious home for a thriving family. Our hope is that your time at Deer Leep will welcome in the processes of healing and transformation that will take place through practices of sensuous massage, body scrubs, infrared sauna, dance, yoga, intimate conversations, and a spirit of play.

The Back to The Body Retreat is the event that will take place as you leave the city and arrive in this quiet part of the world surrounded by natural beauty.

Important Details:

Dates: July 3rd through July 7th. Cost: $4,000 inclusive of lodgings, food, pick up and drop off at airports and ferries, all services and special events

If you would like to set up a time to chat about coming, please send me an email at Pamela@beingshameless.com. xoxo Pamela

The Un-Open Yet Flexible Marriage

Have you read Sex at Dawn which makes the case that we humans are at our core not monogamous creatures? That in many ways monogamy is a societal concept - imposed on us by religion and many other factors. I loved the book, but for me personally it's a big leap from there to being polyamorous or in an open marriage. And yet my memoir, Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner is all about wanting more....and staying married.  My personal ethos keeps evolving, but the same question keeps being raised: So, how do you get more - and stay monogamous?

Is there a solution outside of going from marriage to marriage in a serial monogamy routine that so many of us fall into because we need more on some level? Is there something in-between monogamy and full out polyamory or open marriage? Right now this is a hot topic in the world of sexuality and relationship.

Is polyamory the  new more accepted term for Open Marriage? We are certainly hearing that term more and more and some are saying that it is next big sexual revolution. I am living something else - which I call the Monogamish Marriage. Which is a kind of  middle ground of sorts. When I first thought of the term "expanded monogamy" I thought that I had coined a new term. But a quick search on google turned up several references to expanded monogamy with different definitions. In my version of expanded monogamy - a couple sets the rules of sexual exploration that fit with their own set of personal boundaries that in my own rule book does not include taking a traditional lover. In my take on expanded monogamy - I am not talking about what been called an "Open Marriage". My version has boundaries that may seem outside of the box for some - but for others may seem quite restrictive. What is agreeable to one couple may not be agreeable to another. In my story - Shameless - I realize that I created a form of expanded monogamy and developed with my husband a way for me to explore my sexuality that did not fit the traditional outline of monogamy but was not polygamy either.

I explored the concept of polyamory by reading a wonderful book on the subject by Deborah Anapol - but the concept was quite right for me. I need something else - new language! And if I have learned anything in my years as a fertility advocate and sex educator - if we don't have language for something - we get very confused. We are also not so good at finding middle places in our society.  It feels like every day  people  ask me questions like "How did your husband feel about you going to a Tantra workshop?" or ""Did you husband get jealous of you working with hands on sexual healers?" What about your explorations of Bd/Sm? How does he feel about that? No matter where I am in the country - I am asked the same questions over and over again about my adventures into the underground world of sacred sexuality. In my search for language - I am embracing the term expanded monogamy or being monogamISH and I would like to introduce it to you if you are unfamiliar with it. In my own expanded monogamous marriage - I have had  room to go to sexuality workshops that include me exploring my own sexuality with myself and with others within boundaries and usually in a supervised workshop setting. I am able to be playful in my sexuality - which keeps my own inner fire alive and my marriage sexually interesting. It has become essential to me to be able to explore who I am as an individual as well as in my marriage.

In my own expanded monogamous marriage - both my husband and I have the space to work with sexological body workers who are there to support us on our own individual paths. We attended sexuality workshops - which may include us working with sexual energy techniques like moving our breath with other people - or eye gazing.

In my own expanded monogamish relationship, I explore Bd/Sm (think Fifty Shades of Grey) without my husband because he isn't interested in it, and it is a very important form of erotic expression for me.

Having the space to explore and experiment with my sexuality within the boundaries of an expanded monogamy has supported my 30 year marriage into a place where both my husband and I are happy and has helped us keep the light burning in our own marriage bed. Having room to expand your sexuality and explore over time may turn a once sexless marriage into something else.

Creating some room in our relationships for turning up the heat on our sexuality does not have to mean leaving the marriage or sneaking around.  We simply have to bring this possibility out into the world.

If we have the room to experiment and expand our own sexuality without shame - I believe that more people wouldn't leave their primary relationships. We just  more room to breathe. It's about creating sexual agreements that work for each partnership - and allowing each other the room to grow without ditching your lives.

 

Intimacy With a Sacred Intimate: The Question of Attachment

I am often asked about questions of “attachment” when working so intimately with hands on sexual practitioners, sexological body workers, sacred intimates and dakas.  I always answer the inquiries with the truth – of course there is attachment and it comes and goes. Recently I went looking for a blog that didn’t make it into Shameless – and I thought that sharing my moment of realizing that I was becoming very attached to Markus, The Tantric Tiger would be helpful.  

So what follows is a scene that never made it into the book – I was driving up to Easton Mountain for a Body Electric Retreat with my friend Corrine….

And the blog begins.....

 

As, I drove to Corrine, to pick her up for our drive to Easton Mountain, I started to replay my last session with Markus when he gave me a lesson on giving a back rub - an kind of intro to basic massage. I had never touched his body before and it shocked me how much I enjoyed  touching him and giving him pleasure.

 

How much I loved rubbing his back, holding his head in my hands - and having the freedom to run my fingers over his back from the base of his spin to his hair.

 

And then, I was hit with a  startling realization. That it was not just the beauty of his body and the opportunity to simply just touch him back  (something that I did not usually get invited to do in session) that I was savoring - it was the intimacy that I was feeling between us.

 

The relationship that had formed in almost a year of weekly three hour visits, telephone conversations, field trips and emails.

STOP THE CAR.

I actually pulled over, and sat back behind the wheel.

I was growing attached to Markus.  This professional relationship was filled with REAL HUMAN INTIMACY -  and it was spilling over the boundaries that I was attached to, when I started this work.

I was clear that I was not feeling romantic love for this man. I had no desire to send him valentines or leave my husband. I had no desire for sexual touch with Markus outside of session. But still, this realization that I was feeling any kind of attachment to him sent a crackle of fear down my spine.

I was not suppose to feel attachment, or love - of any kind for my Sexologist or Sacred Intimate! That was the entire point of this - no emotional attachment! But here I was almost a year after I had started working with Markus -  and all of a sudden - things were not feeling so neat any more.

I didn't want to leave for my retreat without speaking to Markus. I wish that I could write him. But I was going to be away from technology. So I decided to call him.

"Good morning Goddess!!! How are you today? On the road yet?" Markus greeted me.

 

"Yes, I am in the car - on my way to Corrine - and I needed to speak to you before I left. Can you talk with me for a little while?" I asked.

 

"Sure, Pamela - I am all yours. Is everything alright?"

 

"I don't know how to start - and I am feeling embarrassed and scared - and I guess that I don't have to tell you this - but I want to because it is scaring me on several levels. So just let me get it all out before you respond...... I realized something for the first time. Markus, I am getting really attached to you. I am realizing that I am feelings all these feelings! And it is scaring me. I am feeling love. Love for you!  And when I think about it - How could I NOT love you!!!!! Look at all the things that have happened to me because of my work with you?

 

How  could I not loving not being ruled by food  addiction? How  could I not love feeling my body change slowly? How could I not love feeling healthier? How could I not love feeling in control of my food? How  could I not love feeling beautiful? How could I not love feel sexy?

How could I not love feeling my divinity? How could I not love feeling strong inside? How could I not love discovering my sexuality? How could I not love finding out about my sexual desires? How could I not love finding out about  spankings? How could I not love sharing my feelings?

How could I not love feeling safe and supported? How could I not love being given handouts to take home and learn? How could I not love being offered guidance? How could I not love being offered health? How could I not love someone caring enough about me to feed me frozen raspberries?

How could I not love learning how to feed them to myself? How could I not love flowers on a bed meant for me? How could I not love learning to look at my own body in the mirror and see my own beauty? How could I not love being bathed and cared for by you?

Markus - How could I not love the person that is bringing me these gifts?"  And these feelings are breaking all the rules.."

 

I think I might have drawn a breath. "Markus are you there? Did you hang up? Is it wrong for me to love you? I am feeling so frightened that you are going to tell me that I am too emotionally dependent on you now - and walk away from me in fear!! How can I express how I feel in a safe way and honest way - because I do not know how to do anything else..that does not break boundaries - and ruin all the things that are new and loving and good?

Am I suppose to deny? In order to keep what I am loving so much? I know who you are, Markus. You are my teacher. I know who I am, I am your student. Your client. We are not friends - really. We are not lovers. Yet I want to tell you that I am feeling love for you. And that makes me feel so vulnerable. I want to tell you, and be honest with you about  my feelings of attachment without the fear of losing all the things that I love. This love that is bringing me so much richness of experience. So much joy.

 

But think about it Mark, how could I not love? How could I not feel emotional attachment after all that we have done together? Can I feel those things, be honest with you about them - and not have you 'end the session'? How can I not love? After all that I have experienced - with all the gifts that you have offered me - I would not be human. Please tell me, Markus. How do I not love? Is it wrong that I love? Will I be turned away for loving? I love you and all the gifts that you have brought me. You have helped me start to change my life - and I am just beginning." Tears were flowing - and I was talking between gasps of air."

 

"Pamela - stop. Breathe a minute. It is all good. I promise you. I receive your love and it does not scare me. I will not send you away for loving. Pammy - I hold love in my heart for you as well. It is all good and natural. It is all received and It's all okay. I receive your love. It is real. My love for you is real.

The structures /boundaries are  real too. The people have their limits- the Love, however knows none. A paradox- one of many...Pamela, we can both enjoy the journey. I am too!" Markus took a pause and then continued " Your fears are "old programs" of abandonment when feeling made ashamed of  for being "too big" or "too hungry". I'm not abandoning you. You are no longer susceptible either as you are an adult, a very powerful one as well! It's just old programs."

 

"But Markus - I PAY YOU.  I pay to see you. You are a 'hired coach of love and spiritual guidance. You are not really even my friend in the truest sense of the word."

 

"Pamela, In this economy/culture  people pay me so that I can pay my rent and my organic grocery bills!!  What you pay for is the rate for my TIME. Everything else in the session is a GIFT from Heaven. I believe that it is the "Gods" gifting me to guide the session, and myself as well!

I don't have an agenda or even sometimes an idea about the WHAT, where, or activity in some of the sessions. Most want bodywork as we are a touch starved people.

 

Our connection and love, your feelings- all REAL.

 

The circumstances are arranged- not unlike a good theater experience- beautiful, cathartic, we are transformed and moved. Kate, do we fall in "love " and go home with the players in the Theater? No, we don't need to! We go back to our lives transformed with new "spunk" for living. But Pamela - what you are saying is real ANYWAY. Our relationship is real. About what you FEEL about me is real.

 

But go deeper. Please go to the source of the wound:The relationship between you and me is second to your relationship with YOURSELF, between your feelings and YOU. Your feelings are Trans-personal. They go beyond our personal limits - Real love does. Our relationship is TRANS personal, it goes beyond a "married woman with kids" and  "a single gay man". I am the Goddess for you. I am the God for you. I awaken YOU to awaken HER - your "not so in hiding", Goddess." Markus stopped there and waited.

 

"I trust you, Markus. Not to hurt me. I am just scared that this feeling of attachment will hurt me in some way. And that it is wrong for me to have these feelings. In some ways I have, from day one, given you my heart and asked you not to break it on so many levels." I put my head back on the rest in the car.

 

"Dear sweet Pamela, your trust is the most precious! I do hold your beating heart in my hands. I do know the trust that you have given me and I am, as always deeply moved by you. Yes, more raspberries are ready to be spooned to you with sweetness. You are my Beloved, you will always be.

Nothing can change that. That is trans relational......My goal is for you to feel that, live that,  carry that seed that I (we) plant beyond the time that our work sessions comes to a close."

 

I felt better. I understood more - and it felt right to share and have this conversation with Markus. I guess if this was regular therapy this would be called transference. But I felt safe now in my feelings - and it was important for me to know that what I was feeling was real. And not just a part of my payment schedule. That the intimacy  and affection between us was real - not imagined. Markus said a lot to me, and so much of it made sense - and gave me a context in which to look at my feelings. I had so much to think about.  I never realized just how much trust and intimacy I had with this man.  And perhaps - because of the safe container that I built with him - the intimacy and the caring - perhaps that is how I have been able to move on this road of personal growth and transformation. Maybe, it could not be done without love and intimacy. All of that surrendering!!!! And I was on my way to experience more.

 

That blog was written many years ago. I no longer do sessions with Markus - he is now a good friend. I still care deeply about him - and I never had the feeling to move past love to lover. It just never happened. But this can be a tricky landscape for some women doing hands on work especially if they are not working with a hands on practitioner that is not in integrity. That is why I tell women if they are interested in doing hands on work with a practitioner that it is often best to do this with the help and assistance of a sexuality coach that is familiar with this kind of healing work.

The Not So Secret Pleasures of a New Sex Toy

I don’t consider myself a “Sex Blogger” even though I am sex positive and write about sex a lot! After all, I am a sex and relationship coach! But somehow,  I don’t often do “Sex Toy” reviews – or share my personal sexual experiences, except perhaps in my book Shameless! Oh yes – there are exceptions to every rule!  And rules are made to be broken - right? Like my personal addiction to the sex toy, the Hitachi Wand.  To me – and thousands of others, who use vibrators in their sex lives (alone or as a couple) – the Hitachi Wand was the most dependable toy around.

I have used others – because I know that self pleasuring (masturbating) with the same sex toy all time is not always the best way to achieve or heighten sexual pleasure. But try and try again – I never hit another vibrator that worked for me like the old wand – and I got tired of throwing good money at toys that didn’t  how shall we say – hit the spot?

And then I met Jimmyjane’s Form 2 one of the rock stars in the “Pleasure to The People” line.  Form 2 a little discreet vibrator that took the form perhaps of a small bunny face (nothing like the famous vibrator toy – the rabbit!).   It is all about the little ears or if you like-  the two amazing fingers! What does it look like to you?

The designers call it “LITTLE PERKY” (suggesting that we call Form 2 whatever we would like – I call it magnificent! I had little to no expectations for it – it was so small. How could little Form 2 bring me to orgasmic  bliss?  I could wax poetic about the delicate vibrations that reminded me of a lovers fingers which special abilities.  Or the how the double prong (ears) worked together or separately!  All I know is that I have a new friend in my bed room drawer - ight next to my  Zestra!  Put those two together – and call me in the morning!

Secret Desires

I am still smiling months after the encounter. There I was in an independent book store - about to doing a reading of Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner when I was greeted by a beautiful women that I know through my fertility work. She hadn't read the book yet - she was coming for the reading and to say hello. We started to chat about mutual friends - and my book. One of our mutual friends wasn't very comfortable with everything in my book. I told her that I thought that she was uncomfortable with some of the "kinkier" desires that I had uncovered during my journey of sexual self discovery.  "I think it was the spanking" I told her.  "I think that the spanking freaked her out," I confided in my friend. Her eyes grew as big as saucers and she started to giggle. She covered her mouth and in a stage whisper said to me "Like it too!" We both broke out peals of laughter. "Of course you do!" I said with a wink. "It's not so uncommon, you know - so many people love to play with sensation and power games in the bedroom."

The one thing that I learned is that no one is kinkier than anybody else - and whatever you think is sexy or erotic - there is a line behind you of people who find the same thing sexy and erotic! Just go into any sex store and you will see your neighbors fetishes all lined up and ready for purchase. So - lighten up and give up the shame. If what you are turned on by is safe, sane and consensual - it's really all good! And you don't have to whisper! We all probably like it too!

Is Having a Rich Sex Life an Indulgence?

Is having children an indulgence? How about eating healthy food or creating time to exercise? I don't think so....nor do I think that having a healthy, explored and delicious sexuality is an indulgence either. In fact I think that these things can be essential to living a full life. When people want to attack me for speaking out for women (and men) to take the time to really explore who they are as a sexual beings within their own boundaries - their very favorite thing to say is that I am being self indulgent and encouraging other people to do the same!

About 24 years ago - I began to speak out for people who were going through infertility. The funny thing is - that back then (and even still today), I ran up against people who told me that couples who were trying to build their families through Assisted Reproductive Technologies (ART) such as IVF, Egg Donation, or Surrogacy were selfish, narcissus and self-indulgent. Why didn't they "just adopt" or sponsor children in other countries - they wanted to know!

There was a tremendous amount of shaming of people going through infertility treatment and self righteous judgment. Frankly - this still goes on today. Of course - back then and today as well - there are people that "get it" - and support family building tremendously - but there are always the few loud mouths who feel that they really know best! And they want to protect you from the evils that they know will come you way if you continue to travel down your misguided path.

Now that I have expanded my advocacy to include sexual wholeness for people and am sharing my own personal story through my memoir Shameless, I am encountering the very same phenomenon. There is a huge group of supporters from Dr. Christiane Northrup to everyday women who are going through the same self-loathing and sexual confusion that I went through (and are taking courage in my story) and there are the people who are attempting to shame me for my self exploration. That my desires to try and understand who I was as a sexual being was self indulgent and my sharing of it shameful.

Back in the day when I experienced infertility - I broke down barriers for people who were too ashamed of their infertility to seek help or speak to others. Now - I am surprised to find myself exactly in the same waters, but this time around sexuality.

It's shocking after a half century or so of "the sexual revolution", that healthy integrated sexuality is still taboo - even terrifying to some. But I trust just like I have before - that the day will come when women will be truly free of shame around their sexuality.

Sexual Desire is Like a Flower! It Grows When You Water It!

"If you don't use it...you lose it". Have you ever heard that phrase? How about "The more you get - the more you want?" Have you noticed that the word "insatiable" goes so well with the word "desire"? Almost like peanut butter and jelly!

There have been times in my own sexual awakening that I started to feel that exploring my sexuality is like that old saying about eating Chinese food. You can have a delicious meal and twenty minutes later you are hungry again!

Maybe I am exaggerating just a little, but I do think that if you do not stir the pot of your sexual being - you can become dormant just like a hibernating bear. Have you ever seen a hibernating bear on one of those nature shows after he wakes up? Just like the bear - once you wake up and begin to feed yourself - you can find that your hunger is extraordinary. And that hunger can be quite unsettling. How do we manage our hunger?

I love to talk about us "waking up your sleeping beauty!" And what I mean by that - is reawakening our sexual selves. But what happens when Beauty wakes up and the Prince is snoring? Or there is no Prince? How does Beauty feed herself? And don't take my metaphor too literally this can apply to men too!

I have been steeped in desire lately - I have a Shameless Life Coaching practice - and one of my clients is a lovely woman who I am going to call "Gena". Gena is in her forties and has two kids, runs her own business and after reading my book Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time To Cook Dinner began to explore her own sexuality by working with me and a Certified Sexological Bodyworker.

Guess what happened? Her inner "Sleeping Beauty" woke up! WoooHoooo! Fantastic! Well, actually feeling our newly found sexual awakening can sometimes be uncomfortable.

Once we start exploring what we desire, figure out how desire looks for us and how to reach for them - things can really heat up for us in our lives! Gena recently said to me...

"Speaking of desire I have a subject that I hope to get feedback about. I have a terrible time focusing on the requirements of my daily life. Since I started do deeply explore this part of myself - I have become so focused on sex! I have a business to run, friends, kids, parents, etc.

I crave all that goes with this quest. Following discussion groups, reading, watching videos, having more experiences, experimenting with Zestra and other ways of exploring my own sexuality for myself. And all of this learning, all seem to tug at me when I really should be working or doing the more routine, and often less fulfilling parts of my life. I don't feel comfortable sharing much of this with anyone in my immediate circle, which is obviously a problem I have to work on. I desire comfort in this new found joy. I'm unsettled. Like I'm waiting for something. It's hard to sit with the pleasure and happiness I experience in increasing amounts as I learn and incorporate more of the eroticism and deep excitement I often feel. Maybe that's it. Too much excitement for everyday pursuits.

How do other people deal with this? What do you do with an inability to satisfy yourself, in a complete, overall way? It seems like no matter what I experience I still have insatiable desire for more".

I don't think that Gena is alone. After we starve ourselves - and then taste food for the first time in a long time - it can be pretty overwhelming. The good news is that if we continue to feed ourselves our lives can become more balanced and we can kind up in a much better place.

What I have found is that it comes in waves. This insatiable need for more is always strongest in the beginning of ending sensual deep sleep.

Again, I liken it to survivors of famine who for a while after they are rescued hoard food or cannot stop eating. So many of us are starving in our bodies for sensual pleasure and a fully healthy integrated life.

It's just that sometimes we don't know our hunger until we jump start our bodies and come out of hibernation. And then the food tastes so sweet and our bodies just cannot get enough because we went too long without feeding it.

My suggestion is to everyone who is just beginning to wake up again sexually is to notice your hunger. I am noticing mine, and as you are able to - feed yourself. Perhaps you need a little more right now - then let your body have it. Reassure your body that you will not take this away from yourself ever again - that it IS available.

If you can afford it, explore taking a workshop and indulge yourself a bit. Look for new ways to feed and explore your own sexuality. Pleasure and sexuality can be found in so many things! Use your new found sexual energy to channel your creativity! Painting, taking up photography, cooking, dancing and yoga are all great ways to continue to explore and use your nearly emerging sexual energy.

Feeding yourself can be buying long black stockings and wearing them just for yourself! I have begun to buy beautiful bath products. I am addicted at the moment to LUSH. I give myself special long sexy baths .I acknowledge and feed my desire in different ways.

Please don't be frightened of your desires. Feed yourself in ways that reassures your body and your mind will be much more free to do what you need to do. Notice your desire. Do not judge it or decide that it is too much.

Consider seeing and feeling your desire as an indicator of your vitality! I often feel my desire in that way. I choose to feel that I am a beautiful sexual being in full bloom! When I feel my deep desire....I imagine myself as that flower after the rain and I allow myself to enjoy the feeling.

I believe that as our bodies learn that we will never go to sleep on ourselves again that we will become less agitated with all of these new feelings and we will become more fulfilled in how we live our daily lives. Sex is not an end point - it is an integral part of who we are.

For now, I have advised my client to eat freely and eat often. I am so glad that Gena woke up! And she is not alone. So many of us are finally acknowledging our desires, and wanting more for ourselves in this life. Feeling all of those feelings it isn't always comfortable especially in the beginning - but isn't it so much better than being asleep?

Come Inside My World....

I wrote about this a bit on my blog Shameless Woman over at Psychology Today.  The blog that I wrote there that still haunts my heart is called "Stripping in Public" and  here is a bit of it: "There I was standing in front of a group of people - perhaps 30 or more in a beautiful independent bookstore in Seattle, Washington. I could feel the quiet in the room, the soft breathing of the crowd as I read from one of the more provocative chapters in my memoir - Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home In Time To Cook Dinner...." I could feel the anticipation in the room as I read aloud about "The Dark Knight" looking deeply in my eyes and asking me if I could surrender to him. And it occurred to me that I was actually stripping in public. Have you ever done that? Allowed yourself to be excruciating vulnerable in public? So vulnerable that you felt like you were stripping off your clothes? That has been what it has been like for me on my book tour. Doing a reading from a memoir - especially one as provocative and intimate as Shameless has really challenged my own notions of shame! Could I read to a group of strangers, and share one of the most intimate experiences of my life?  It was one thing knowing that people all over the country were reading my memoir - it is quite a different experience reading your most personal thoughts aloud to a group.

As I read, I felt the color rise to my checks as I tried to connect with the group of spell bound listeners. I made myself look into the eyes of my audience. It was terrifying! Was there healing in this for me? Was there healing in allowing myself to be truly naked in public? I wasn't sure. The only thing I was sure of was that I was allowing myself to be completely vulnerable with this group. It was like falling backwards - and trusting that you would be caught. I finished the chapter - and was met with applause, laughter and the longest question and answer of the entire tour. It was fabulous. I almost didn't read that chapter - it was near the end of the book - and it felt too intimate to me. But I trusted that somehow it was the right chapter for the group that was assembled. So I stripped naked in public, and I didn't die. Instead I found myself embraced, loved, and something more. By sharing my soul with people - they shared theirs with mine. It was a risk worth taking."

Somehow - I keep doing this.  Last weekend at a Body Electric Workshop  for Women, we were asked to do a "Reveal" - where we stood in front of the group of women that we had spent the weekend with - and we had three minutes to share something very real and vulnerable about our lives.  Three minutes can be a long time. We all did it. After I did it - I couldn't stop crying. I felt too opened up - how could I say these things out loud? What allowed me to do that? Was it healing for me or educational for my audience? Was it a way of truly being seen? And if I allowed the world to see me in such a real way - what would change for me? Would I be comfortable with that? I wasn't sure - and I was a little shaken.

And then yesterday on Psychology Today I published a piece on Female Ejaculation. It was a very personal blog about a truly transformational experience for me. The comments on Facebook kept coming in - thanking me for sharing my story. The readership on that blog is growing minute by minute. I read the comment where Dr. Christiane Northrup (a woman who I consider a mentor and teacher) calls me a pioneer. Really?

I try to put some breath around that for myself. Is that what I am? Am I  a pioneer or a woman who needs an edit button?

I don't think that it is the subject matter that I am talking about that is so pioneering really.  What I think stuns people is that I am willing to use the first person. Make it about my experience - my orgasm, my ejaculation, my weight,  my sexiness, my self loathing, my sessions, my marriage without hiding behind a fictional character or perhaps a made up "client".

I don't know how to do this any other way.  I suppose that it is startling.  Frankly - it is often that for me too. I often jump off the cliff of my story telling - and then go back and say something like "Did I really tell the world that?" Yet - we are all still standing!

Yet,  it is in my ability to leap  and be a vulnerable  truth teller that allows other people the permission to really take inside what I am  sharing.  When I am real - you get permission to be real too.

I am not going to say that this is easy.  Allowing people to come inside your heart for a little while - and perhaps even inside your most intimate experiences can leave me breathless.  But it is the place that I write from and coach my clients from. I simply don't know any other way to communicate and teach.

So, I will continue to strip naked in public - whether it is at my workshops, my blogging or my books. There are times that I reach for the blanket of love of my community, my family, my friends, my readers, my social network fans, to cover me up and hold me. Sometimes, I need to be rocked too - and comforted. I am mindful of my body - and my own emotional limits. It can be exhausting stripping in public on a regular basis - but if you have never tried it - I dare you.

It can be a magical, transformational and healing experience.

When was the last time you "stripped naked" in public? Allowed yourself to be truly intimate with people? It can feel really scary - but the lessons of my life as a public sex and fertility educator has taught me that taking the risk to be intimate is the most rewarding experience of all. And in the end - I have no regrets at all.

Have you ever had an experience like this? Have you ever stripped in public? How do you feel when you read about my intimate disclosures? Do they support you? How?

Do You Want to Live Your Life as a Turned On Woman?

In so many ways - I am an everyday woman. I own a mini-van and I don't have any tattoos. My hair is brunette with no pink or purple streaks. My nose is ringless. But I have a sexy swing to my hips, and a skip to my step. I have found the secret sauce. I am a turned on woman! What is a turned on woman? It's a woman who has figured out that sex begins with learning how to be a courtesan for herself first and foremost. It's about taking the time to look within and connect to our own sexual core. Once we figure out how to do that - a turned on woman will develop a deeper connection to her own sexual engine and be able to take that power source out into the world for the good of her family, friends, and community.

I wrote about my own experiences in becoming a turned on woman in my memoir "Shameless, How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner", but that was my journey. Every woman has her own journey. But what I learned on my journey is that sex is a power tool.

Sex can bring babies into the world, steal hearts, and over throw empires. So why wouldn't we use sex to enliven, invigorate and transform our lives? Have you forgotten about it? Or perhaps never really tapped into your own sexuality? Sometimes, we have to rediscover our desire for it. Learn to take pleasure from it - and learn to use sex to energize us from the inside out. The secret sauce is that our sexual energy can actually fuel our creative juices, enliven our relationships and connect us in a deeper way on our spiritual path.

Sex is pretty powerful stuff. But like the best kinds of energy available, it is clean, sustainable and self renewing. We just have to stoke the fires once in a while!

How can you begin to tap into this magical, mystical place in your body? One of my favorite places to begin with my coaching clients (who I have taken to calling my "Client Girlfriends") is to have them develop their own self pleasuring practice.

So many of my client girlfriends often bristle, and roll their eyes at the thought. The common refrain is "If I have to give it to myself what good is it?" or "I don't have the time to self pleasure" or "If I give it to myself then it's not worth very much!"

To that I say "We have to stop looking outside of ourselves for pleasure. We can't always expect someone else to give us what we want - and if we don't develop a self pleasuring practice how on earth are we ever go to know what we want when we are with a partner?"

That brought a light bulb moment to my clients who responded by saying "OMG. You are right. When my lover asks me what I like - I can't tell him. I have no idea."

This beautiful woman is not alone. So many of us have no idea what truly turns us on. I believe that it is incredibly important to figure this out in order to live as a woman in full.

The secret sauce to becoming a turned on woman - is inside each and everyone one of us. We just need some vitamin "P" (pleasure) to turn her on and energize her. Take the time to stoke your own fires - and I promise that you will smolder in a very delicious and sexy way all day long!

To this end - I am working with the Playing Ground - to develop programs are  "that devoted to awakening your passion and aliveness through the art of play and sensual rejuvenation. We are here to remind you what every child intuitively knows, but what too many adults have forgotten".

To that end - I am running my first workshop with Playing Ground - all about learning how to find your own turned on woman!  Perhaps you’ve never really learned to tap into your own sexuality - or you want to ramp it up! Well, it’s time to learn how to turn yourself on! And that’s exactly what this program is designed to do.

This live workshop will introduce exercises and provide advice from our panel of sensuality experts including Tomas and Joan Heartfield, PhD.  Joan & Tomas are skilled in the art of teaching a woman to live a turned on life and will provide the answers to all of your juicy questions!

The four-session follow up teleclass is designed to help you take the Secret Ingredients to Becoming a Turned On Woman into action. Each week,  I will introduce a new ingredient to add to your sensual repertoire. Living a turned on life is a practice and this series is designed to support you in making sensual maintenance part of your daily life.

Each evening will wrap up with a Q&A session that will give you direct access to my coaching expertise.

This delicious series dedicated to turn on will give you the tools to begin to tap into the magical, mystical places in your body. It’s time to own our sensual power as women and stop looking outside of ourselves for pleasure.

Come join us to heat up your fire and turn your light up high.

The Secret Ingredients to Becoming a Turned On Woman - Workshop & 4-Week Teleclass

Register Here:

Event Information: The Secret Ingredients to Becoming a Turned On Woman - Workshop & 4-Week Teleclass $149.00 | June 14, 2011 | Women Only

Tuesday, June 14th 7:00pm-9:30pm Teleclass: Tuesday Evenings June 21 | June 28 | July 12 | July 19 8:00pm-9:15pm Discounted Combined Fee: $149 Also available as options below: Workshop Only: $49 Teleclass Only: $125 This course is open to women only.

Address: The Meta Center 214 West 29th Street, 16th floor New York, NY 10001 Map and Directions

June 14, 2011

Start Time: 7:00 pm End Time: 9:30 pm

A Shameless Diet

Life is full of ironies.  I ditched the diets years ago.  I found that by having nourishing touch - that I was less hungry and that I was able to full the void that was in my life in much more sexy ways than a chocolate chip cookie. Weight fell off of my plus size body naturally - no failed diets for me! I was free. I never got skinny - I simply left the plus sizes behind and became quite comfortable as a curvy size 14.  I actually like my round ass, full breasts and I can even see beauty in the softness of my belly.  I wear sexy clothes and flirt with the world - it took a long time to get me here - this place of self acceptance and internal sexy fire.  It's what most of my readers and coaching students want.

And then I developed a tightness in my throat.  It scared me. I flew to the doctors after choking at dinner at a conference - and after an extensive work up found out that I had a type of reflux.  ICK.  What to do?  Well - apparently my kind of reflux was not cured by a purple pill. Oh no - if I wanted to get rid of this tight around my collar feeling - I was going to have to go on a diet!

He was kidding right? No - actually he wasn't.  I had to give up some of the things that I love to eat - modify the quantities of things like coffee (one mug a day) and on top of THAT diet - I was going to need to size down again.

So here I sit - the author of a book that tells you how I ditched the diets.....and I did. Right now,  I am trying to look at dieting through a different lens.  Before dieting was about trying to look a certain way to feel better about myself. I found out that dieting didn't do that for me. Being thinner didn't make me sexier.  I was and am - sexy.  Instead diets always made me feel like I was less than.

I am on Weight Watchers on Line playing with points.  I am wondering if I can diet my way out of a tight throat. That would be a good use of a diet.

Feeling sexy? Accepting myself? Learning how to be a turned on woman? No diet can do that.

Looking Into The Sea

Dear Readers: Here is another hidden blog for you....from my private  Shameless archives.  I hope that you enjoy it....it is a scene from my marriage in the days of sorting it all out.

Love,

Pamela

Looking Into The Sea

I don't know what to do with myself. I tell myself to focus to pay attention to my family. I don't mean the obvious things. This week I went to the supermarket two times. I cooked dinners and I packed lunches as well as driving to the mall to get my youngest new clothes...made appointments for him to get his braces tightened, talked to his teacher about how very smart he was. Yes sir - he had the highest test grades - but he is still not handing in his homework.

I drove to NYC in the pouring rain because the oldest wanted me to buy him groceries as a part of his birthday present at "Trader Joes"....kind of a free for all of bagged pasta and endless bags of chips for his dorm. He used to want Ninja Turtles for his birthday and to go wild in Toys -R-Us. Now he wants groceries. My boy has grown up. Nineteen. He is nineteen. At that age I had met his Father - a year later I would be married. I am stunned briefly by the age of my kid and my youth at the time that I choose my husband. I did the shopping with him, yet I didn't want to have lunch with him. I knew that I couldn't concentrate. How could THAT be? Time with my oldest son away at school and I was letting that go? Yes. I was. I had no patience.  And then there was Gavin who has been texting me about our sex life...yes....I said texting. I was driving home and up on my Treo comes this message.

"I am craving your body." He writes. Okay. Good to know. He hasn't touched my body in a sexual way in weeks. I text him back.

"So....take my body"

"Hmmmm" He writes, "guess that leaves all my fantasies waiting to be fulfilled."

I feel impatience with the conversation. I know that I should be thrilled that he is reaching out....trying. It occurs to me that I am a mean bitch. What the hell is wrong with me? This poor guy is trying!!!

"Just a thought. Perhaps I am too focused on your fantasies and I am impatient in my ability to fulfill them.  No one can compete with fantasies and perhaps I should be more focused on fulfilling my own."

Now we are talking! I want him to be greedy about his pleasure. I want to be used for that. I want him to just  take me.....but perhaps his fantasies have nothing to do with me? I can't believe we are having this conversation through instant messaging.  Truly the modern couple.

"Yes - I would love you to focus on your fantasies and to share them with me. I would love it if you would just make love to  and stopped worrying my fantasies and how I fulfill them. Just be you and make love to me. That is all I need."

"That is the central act of all my fantasies." He writes....

"So?"

"Do you find it more difficult to get aroused from interactions that do not fulfill your fantasies?" "No..sweetie...I do not. I love it when you make love with me. No one can do that as wonderfully as you. You always give me pleasure."

This is not a lie. My husband knows how to give me pleasure.

"Do we need milk?" He writes. This conversation is over....

I was available on all the levels that a good Mother needs to be available. I was available as a Wife....on all levels....Yet I was at a new level of distraction from my family. I trying to get a grip of my own desire - and it is hard. There is too much shame wrapped around all of it for me.

I am reading this book written in 1899...."The Awakening" by Kate Chopin - it is about the sexual and personal awakening of a wife and mother in New Orleans during the turn of the 18th Century.

So many of her thoughts are mine. I recognize her distraction....her disinterest in her social norm responsibilities. I get it and this story takes place over a 100 years later - yet women are still on this journey. Why is that? Why do we have to go on this journey? Why aren't we just as we are? Why aren't we born awakened? Or are we...and then just put to sleep by a world of social norms and the "have to's" of our world.

I am going through my days right now and my mind is wandering. It is like I am always looking far off into the distance. Perhaps even into the sea of another time in my life whether it be the past or the future. And I know that I need to be in the present. I fight to pull myself here. I find myself lost in erotic fantasy....wondering if I should if I should start going to go to the "One Taste" meetings in NYC. I find myself thinking about going to a Tantra Workshop or retreat.

I need to concentrate. I need to focus - there is a husband here who is struggling to find me. There are kids here – although mostly grown....but there are kids here. There is my more than full time job.

And there is me.

There is tragedy at the end of "The Awakening". Edna walks into the sea for she cannot live in her present. Her choice is not my choice. But I can see her walking into the ocean as she feels that there is no breath in her lungs that is hers and on the last page as she is sinking into the ocean she is thinking of her husband - of her children. "They are a part of her life. But they need not have thought that could possess her, body and soul."

Biting Hank's Belly

I am not the woman that Hank first met over two years ago. I remember that woman when I read my own memoir - "Shameless". But sometimes, I can hardly remember myself back then. I remember self consciously dancing naked with him (him dressed of course) – and feeling completely humiliated. It was so hard to be in my skin back then. It was beyond difficult for me to undress and be seen. I can remember like it was yesterday. I can remember him once asking me to climb to my knees – and the shame I felt in my body made it almost impossible. Skip forward in time.... Who is that woman on her knees on Hank’s table – naked except for black slightly worn thigh high stockings. Was that me? A hedonistic Goddess enjoying all the places that my arousal was taking me. I was dancing and swaying like a spirit had possessed my body as feather paddle was making itself known on my skin. Hank was playing with all manner of sensation toys and I was dancing with all of the different flavors that each played on my skin. I was dancing with Hank - but mostly I was dancing with the spirit that was alive inside of my body. This great big erotic energy that was flying through my soul and swirling around around my heart.

The music was a part of my arousal. I love the music that Hank plays for me. It is rich and tribal. The music calls forth this wild creature inside of myself. I was for a brief time without self judgment. I love that.

Before I climbed onto the table to begin my tribal sex dance – I was bent over the massage table. I love that place. I felt my leg wrap around Hanks’ body as he began to touch to me. I loved my session with Hank. They were safe - full of boundaries. I was really able to let myself go - and I did.

I was lost in the moment. I only half noticed my leg reaching back and wrapping around his. What was I doing? I never touch back! I felt myself reach back for him – and his breath on my neck. I wanted to drop to my knees and kiss his body. I wanted to start at his feet and work my way up. “Down Girl”….I told myself. This is Hank. You do not kiss Hank full on the mouth. You do not sexually engage with Hank. This is about you - not Hank.

But I wanted to. That was when I climbed on the table. I needed to go deeper inside myself…I needed to feel the dance with Hank – but I needed to go deeper into my own experience. And I did for awhile. I went to this amazing place where I was an African Princess dancing to the sensations that were vibrating in and around my body. With my eyes closed only the colors of the universe greeted me.

Oh – I felt the hands on my body – the sensation toys playing on my skin. And then Hank was in front of me. My body rose and then fell to a place of prostration as he held tightly onto my breasts. My breath was deep – and the wild, wantonness was back again. God I was loving this place – and celebrating my ease in being in it. It was like breathing in and out. It was that natural to me.

Hank’s fuzzy arms were teasing me. His hands pulling my hair. I wanted him to pull it harder. Perhaps I was an animal not a hedonistic Goddess or African Princess. I wanted to growl and shake my hair harder. I wanted to shake my hips. God! It felt so good to feel my erotic energy again! I rubbed my face into Hank’s body. I am allowed to do that. I found myself nuzzled into his arm pits, and I could smell his scent – and I started to nibble. Okay – maybe I started to bite Hank’s belly. Was that really me?

“I’m sorry!” I blurted out.

“For what?”

“For Biting your belly.”

“No you’re not! No you’re not! You are not sorry for biting my belly!!!” Hank laughed back at me. And started to playfully punish me with hand spanks on my ass. We were laughing - and I got over my embarrassment of falling over a boundary.

“You are right – I said. I am not sorry! Not in the least!”

And I went from the wild wanton creature to playful kitten. I wanted a pillow fight – and Hank grabbed the pillows. We went at it – me on the table bashing at Hank’s body - and him giving it to me double.

I was breathless, full of giggles and back in Hank's arms until it was time to go. In NYC it was a very rainy gray day. Inside Hank's apartment there was light. And I got to touch for a little while, that beautiful energy inside myself that stitches the rest of me together.

I still want to bite Hank's belly.

Dear Readers: I am getting lots of requests for me "Hank Stories" so here is another private entry from my secret journals! Enjoy getting to know "Hank"! This journal was written in 2009. Shameless Hugs, Pamela

A Sacred Intimacy Moment

Dear Readers,Yet another peek into my life....a scene from weeks past.... Enjoy! Pamela

I always have this feeling of going home when I see Hank. Hank’s black chairs, his Fulton, and his massage table is one of the places where I started – and where I have stayed. With Hank there has been no moving on. He still can hold space for me. I feel a kind of comfort in his arms that is hard for me to place. When he tells me that he is proud of me – it makes me happy in a very silly school girl kind of way. It makes me want to bring him a shiny red apple – and erase the boards for him.

There was a time that I went to see Hank every week. I don’t go as often – yet he remains as important to me as ever. So – when I walk in these days – I want to hold him so close that I could climb into his shorts. Going to Hank always brings me back to me. If I had a bottomless wallet – right now I think I would go every day. Some how – in the midst of all of this goodness – I am finding myself at lose ends. And I am oh – a bit needy.

We sat as we do – and talked. I needed to talk about my desire to be calm in this moment of calmness – and not go into a place of anxiety because that is what I am the most used to doing. And I could see myself going to that place of worry like a thirsty horse finding it’s stall. Yet right now – life was pretty damn good. The book was gone. Off to the land of galleys. Gavin and I were good and the kids were good So what was up with me? Why did I feel this awful feeling of impending doom? Perhaps it is the quiet that I am not used to more than anything. The time to cook again for my family. To fuss over greens and stir fries – to make almost from scratch cookies. The time even to take walks. I am settling down into that place again. It is an unwiring. In a way – I need to deprogram.

And so we sat there – Hank and me. I talked and he listened, counseled, and smiled at me like he does. And I realized, not for the first time – that I was sick of his damn undershirt. For three years, I have put my naked chest next to all manners of wife beater tee-shirts and polo shirts. And I just want to feel my flesh against his. I had felt like I had earned it.

And out of some place deep – some place unplanned – some place that was tired of an old boundary that just wasn’t needed anymore - I asked him if he would be willing to take off his shirt. He looked at me and I thought I would cry. It is so hard still so hard to speak desire – even with the man that taught me to speak it. I don’t remember the conversation, but he said that he would. Perhaps he would especially because it was so hard for me to ask. Perhaps he would out of his own recognition of my hard earned ability to stay with being uncomfortable – and not running away. I am not sure exactly – but that is my memory through the blood coursing through my veins and my heart beating too fast in my own request. We moved to the table – it was time to get me out of my head and into my body. It was a relief to get naked. I remember when it was so hard. So much is new in my life. And Hank did what Hank has never done with me – Hank took his shirt off.

Inside a Session with Hank

Dear Readers:

This is a blog that was never turned into a chapter for my memoir – but since we are friends – I thought I would share it with you! Aren’t you lucky?

My last session with Hank was a turning point for me. I have become clearer and clearer about how I need intimacy and connection in Sacred Intimacy. And that piece of this work, is perhaps for me, right now ‑ the largest piece. I am a human being under construction. Once upon a time, it was simply touch that my body needed. And the introduction of touch to my body - the ability to learn how to receive touch....how to surrender to “one way touch” was huge for me.

That was so big, that I didn't necessarily even notice anything else. The need for touch, the joy in the experience was so overwhelming for me. Learning about breath, learning about my capacity for sensual pleasure, understanding my body and what makes me tick was so big.

Understanding and making peace with what turns me on, and how to ask for it became a part of the process of my healing. It became so  interesting to me, how my needs as a sexual and emotional being can shift and turn on a dime. But maybe it is not on a dime at all, maybe it is a part of my evolution and becoming as a complete and whole sexual being.

I spent two hours in Hank's arms yesterday. We both had our clothes on, and we laid down on some futon pillows that he had in his studio. There were pillows and we shifted our holding or  hugging  position several times.

It was interesting how the different positions brought out different feelings. I don't think that I have been held like that since I was a baby. I highly recommend it.  There I was having two hours of conscious holding. This was not the kind of holding that I do with my husband in bed while we sleep. This was wide awake and not a prelude to anything necessarily.

I love just feeling Hank’s arms around me, the gentle touching that being so close to each other provided – feeling our breath and the physical feeling of safety and love that this sustained holding provided for me make me open like a flower.

I have always been good at accessing my feelings, but this - being held by arms and feeling Hank's body pressed against mine fully clothed - provided a place for all me to come forth and be seen.

At first all my body wanted to do was cry. And then I talked about so many things! My relationship with my father, my husband, and even my relationship with “one way touch”.  I even talked about my relationships with all of my practitioners. How they are all so different.and wonderful even if they are sometimes difficult. Yet they all serve me in some very profound way – and by having all of these practitioners in my life they have opened me  up  to face my desires for things that do not exist in my life.

All while Hank was holding me, I talked a blue streak, and cried an ocean of tears.  I remember Hank saying certain things to me like "Just let go...I've got you"....and how it felt that he was totally there for me and I didn't have to worry about falling. I knew that he had me tightly and wouldn't let anything happen in that moment to me.

I felt protected and safe in my own vulnerability and the relief that those simple words "I've got you" and those strong arms gave me was simply immeasurable. It’s really too bad that almost all traditional psychotherapy is done in chairs. This technique of holding and talking...is so much more profound than sitting in chairs. It opens up the body, so that the soul can talk.

Taking The Right For Female Pleasure, Desire And Self Love On The Road

I am learning that female self acceptance, self love, and sexual pleasure  really freak some people out. I will go as far as to say that women reaching for what turns them on frightens some people - and really makes others angry.  And we wonder why women still struggle with self image? No matter what you see in commercials or the movies - being a sexy woman even in the Untied States can also mean a willingness to take it on the chin - and to stand  up for your sexy desires. It takes a determination of spirit and guts to know that you want to live your best life - no matter what. I think that is why I love the women who are bringing Zestra to market so much, Mary Wallace Jaensch and Rachel Braun Scherl. These women have had to fight their way through a mountain of people saying "No" to let women know about a simple, topical, organic arousal gel. You see - female arousal made the marketers nervous....you mean women could actual reach for their own pleasure? What might happen if the news of that came out? You mean it is possible for women to increase their sexual pleasure? Will they still get home in time to cook dinner?

You can see why Zestra was the perfect choice to be the Shameless Book Tour Sponsor! Now - what is Zestra you might ask? In case you haven't heard, it's an all-natural female arousal enhancer that you can buy over the counter and according to this "researcher," it works.

But like you  - I didn't know about Zestra for a long time - which isn't easy given that I am not shy.  I will walk into any drug store, sex shop and workshop that even hints at bringing out my inner ‘sex goddess.' I will talk about it with anyone who'll listen to me about how sexual pleasure can make you a nicer person and even heal lifelong issues. As someone recently put it, I'm "the living embodiment of the power of pleasure to transform one's life."

I've become so comfortable and playful with my healthy sexual side, my son rolls his eyes at my constant double entendres.  "Is everything a sex joke with you, Mom?"

Not everything. In fact, I take it very seriously. I do write about sexuality pretty much every day. I even chronicled my path to uncorking my sexual desire in my about to be published memoir, "Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home In Time To Cook Dinner" .   And I hope that you are going to want to read all about my funny, crazy, sexy out of the box journey.

So how could I not know about Zestra, something this YAHOO? It's simple. It's what I started to talk about earlier in this post.  It's not that I am paranoid - but folks - there's a conspiracy to keep a lid on women's sexual arousal and the truth about the ‘va-jayjay." I would use the anatomically correct "vagina" but there's ample evidence that that's a big no-no too. Let me explain.

I stumbled upon the little sample packet of Zestra buried in a goody bag freebie at a sex educator event, I was blown away. A little dab will do ya. Really. The magic topical potion had me giggling and craving my husband so badly that I was shouting for him to hurry up and get into bed. Just so you know, this doesn't happen every day.

But it could. That got me excited. Semprae Laboratories, the little pharma that I let into my panties, found the right blend of botanical oils that made me lie down and take notice. I blogged it all. Even though I never believed in drug-enhanced pleasure, I was wiling to make the Zestra exception.

I used my second packet to see if I could get that Zestra "rush" when it was just me and my vibrator. Oh yeah, baby. There were sensations that even intrepid me didn't know were possible.

Of course, being a well-mannered midlife sex goddess, I wanted to write a thank you note and post it on Zestra's FaceBook page (yes, I friended them). That's when I found out about the "controversy."

It seems that female arousal and anatomy is just too icky for major and even minor media to take perfectly good money for Zestra ads. Aren't we in a downturn? Why would anyone say no to ad revenue for something that actually puts a smile on people's faces without weight gain?

Oh, here comes that scary vagina again. We don't want that to get too excited. Who knows what might happen? In fact, CBSnews.com recently censored an article by Lissa Rankin, MD, a renowned Bay Area Ob-Gyn and author of What's Up Down There when she wrote a piece called "15 Curious Things You May Not Know About The Vagina." Apparently the 16th curious thing is that the vagina musn't have too much face time. The article was taken down within an hour.

The irony, of course, was that she was invited to write about the vagina after CBSnews.com had a blockbuster piece called "SPERM: 15 Crazy Things You Should Know." That's still up. Maybe with a little help from the little blue pill.

So what does this say to women? Not much that's useful and a lot that's confusing. We're jammed with messages that exhort us to be sexy but discourage us from being comfortable with our bodies. Heck, most of us can't even name our parts. How can we wake up to the power of pleasure when we're intentionally kept in the dark? This shouldn't have to be so hard.

So - I am taking Zestra with me on my 24 City  Shameless Book Tour - Of course I am.  How could I not? If the big ad networks are frightened to let you know about something that might increase your pleasure - well - I'm not. In fact if you come out to one of my readings, seminars or workshops - I will personally hand you a Zestra Sample!Or if you don't want to wait that long - jack into their website site - and you can get a SHAMELESS Discount in honor of the publication of my memoir! How is that for us women sticking together? Simply click on the Zestra Banner on my blog and put in the code featured there! You will get $5.00 bucks the 12 pack.

There is a double standard when it comes to women and pleasure. How about you join the fight to stop the double-standard in advertising? Madison Avenue has been using the vagina as a unspoken marketing tool for generations. How about they finally learn to say the name and, to quote Bob Dylan, "Get out of the road if you can't lend a hand."

Look Out World: I Am Coming Out!

I really feel like I am coming out.  But what am I coming out as? If I was to sum it up - I would say that I am coming out as an integrated woman. Once upon a time - I didn't integrate my life. Because women are never actually encouraged to do this. We are expected to be one thing or another. We are either "professionals,"  "homemakers", "Madonnas or Whores". But I have decided to stand up for having an integrated life. It's not easy and it is already making some people uncomfortable.

I am out there swinging for the woman that wants to have a professional life, and still have a family.  And What if being a successful lawyer didn't mean that you could still also be around to cook for your family if that pleased you? What if you could be wearing sexy lacy panties under your business suit - and was meeting your lover for some fabulous sexual adventure after work?  I think that if women allowed themselves to truly embrace all that is possible - they would really have so much more!

Isn't this what we have been saying with the introduction of egg freezing? That it is okay to freeze your eggs now - and have your children later while you were figuring the rest of your life out? That you didn't have to choose? That everything could happen in it's own good time and that women could integrate their lives as they saw fit?

Could we actually be mothers, madonnas, workers and sexual beings all at the same time?  Perhaps the bigger question is will society know how to wrap their arms around us wants woman truly embrace all of their possibilities.

I am still fascinated with that damn study where scientists  hooked up women to machines to look at their sexual response - and their bodies register a response to the visual stimulation but the woman's mind did not.  What is going on? How do we help women connect these dots? There is something incredibley broken in that - and I want to help fix it.

I think that we are getting closer to putting the pieces together. But we will never get there if a woman's sexuality is still used to punish her. And even today - it is in so many ways. Well - I am coming out. I know that there will be stones - that my sexuality will make a lot of people uncomfortable - but there is always one penguin that jumps in the water to let the other penguins know that it is safe to swim.  Watch me jump! And I hope that I inspire you to take a look at your own life.

Look - times are changing! It is safer than it used to be for women  to live fully integrated lives - after all - I could never have found such a prestigious publisher such as Rodale Press to take on my memoir Shameless in another time. A publisher would have been too frightened to break open that particular egg.

But women are still persecuted today for being sexual beings. And when you are a woman about to come out in a big way - it is good to know this.  I hope that you will read my memoir Shameless.  I hope to make you laugh - inspire you to take a look at your own life - and see that anything is possible for a woman today if she decides to take the time for give it to herself.  I am looking forward to talking to you about my story - and hearing yours. On January 18th - the conversation will truly open across this country about women and sexuality. We will be talking about a lot of possibilities that no one really brought to the public stage before in a real way.  I am coming out. I am terrified. But I truly believe that we can  live in full color and have integrated lives.

Nothing is stopping us but a little bit of fear - and concern about whether or not you will be taken seriously if you dare be all of the parts of you.  Dare!

Finding Courage in The Pink Ghetto to "Come Out"

In 2007, I did something that I had never done before - I met sex bloggers. I went to the launch party of Sex In The Public Square founded by Elizabeth Wood and Chris Hall. They had a vision for a new out in the open blogging community. It was there that I met people whom I have had only known through the Internet- through their blogs. It was there that I first heard the term "The Pink Ghetto". I remember listening to a woman who called herself Lux Nightmare read from her writings about working in the Pink Ghetto and how she could not use her real name in her writings even though she was a sex educator by day.

I listened to and heard for the first time the wonderful Susie Bright. There was this entire world out there in the Pink Ghetto that I knew nothing about and I found sisters and brothers there in many ways - especially in the struggle for identity and acceptance. For many people who write about sex, and for many sex educators -  there is fear that by speaking out and being identified that they will lose the rest of their lives such as their traditional employment. It is a very real fear - and I know all about it.

Before I decided to take the plunge and tell my story through the pages of Shameless - I sat there and watched these women who were for the most part living their lives courageously and out loud. I felt a jealousy....about how wonderful it must be to be able to stand up and be photographed as a whole person. To be able to read your writings out loud to a group and not to be hiding completely behind a stage name.

To be able to - as many of these people were - working publicly and yet privately in the Pink Ghetto. It made my blood flow and it helped show me the possibilities of my life - the potential of me. Listening to them, it fed my desire to continue to move forward and create my life...and hope for safety.

And here is another cool thing - so many of the bloggers were "real" people. What I mean by that is - there was not an abundance of over exercised bodies, boob jobs, or plastic faces. In fact, those kinds of people were visibly absent. This group of sex positive activists ran across all age lines - all sex preferences - all racial lines and all body weight ranges. They were quite the every day looking NYC kind of people. And yet - here they were - out in the open embracing their lives - their sexuality....and not waiting until some day when they had the perfect whatever to have a life. They were creating and re creating themselves now.....as is!!!! And that gave me courage too! I could show up just the way I was.

I was mesmerized by Rachel Kramer Bussel who looked like a young college kid with long unselfconscious hair, glasses and a simple frock - read to us from one of her then newest pieces of erotica. It was so surreal as she was not some overdone bimbo. Rachel was this real woman - writing and talking about real sex......or imaged real sex! And the funny thing was that I had just bought a book edited by her the day before called "He's on Top"! I had never really heard of her before....such a newbie!

It's hard to believe that this event took place four years ago - maybe five. It's hard to remember exactly - but that night changed my life. That event created an opening in my life - because these women had courage. And they passed that courage onto me simply by showing up and being who they were - out loud and without shame.

That was the night that I decided that I was not hiding anymore. That was the night that I decided that I was going to tell my story too - and on January 18th 2011 - everyone will be able to read my story. For better or for worse - I am stepping into and out of the Pink Ghetto. I am going to be a whole person - all the time - who refuses to hide. I will not be shamed any longer for being  a sexual being. And I am hoping that by sharing my story with you - that I will pass this gift of courage on. No one should have to live in shame simply for being human.

It's hard to believe that on Feb 1st 2011 - I will be reading from the pages of Shameless with Rachel at Coco de Mer in LA, California.  It's amazing what the actions of one can do for another.

The Gift of The Traveling Red Panties.....

Did you ever see the movies "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants"?  Well - this weekend at my 50th birthday party - my mother surprised me with a pair of red panties that are about forty four years old.  They are quite simple really - silky red with a trim of lace.  If I didn't know that they had spent decades in a drawer - I wouldn't have guessed. Apparently - these were panties that my mother  gave to my father on his 40th birthday. It was quite provocative in my mother's day to give lingerie in front of guests - but my mother is nothing if not provocative. And she did it again - only this time - the very same panties were presented to me -forty four years later on my 50th birthday! And once again - my mother stunned the party goers into silence. It was not the fact that my mother was giving me a sexy, red pantie - it was the fact that it was hers.....What mother does that? Who does that?

No one knew really what to think....there was a lot of embarrassed laughter and strained jokes flying around the room - but later when I was alone with her card - and the red panties - I was really able to understand what my mother was giving me. It was a gift that most women never receive from their mothers.  My 84 years old mother was telling me to go for it.

She was telling me that she supported me in being a sexual being and living out loud.  And she was she  telling me that she was once sexual too - and shameless. And for a time - after my father's death that she had put those red panties in a drawer - something so important to her that she kept them all of these years later.

In her card to me - she said that she was passing the Olympic torch to me - red and flaming. And that she wanted me to wear them proudly and with joy.  Think about that for a minute. How many mother's give their daughters such a gift.