Relationships

Why You Should Consider Living Beyond Your Means

I have this habit. I live beyond my means all the time, and I encourage others to do the same. Wow.  That's some risky advice, isn't it?

So what does it mean to live beyond your means?

"Our Means" talks about what we currently have in our lives. Staying within our means talk to limitations and living smaller then what you believe you have in your financial, sexual, and emotional boxes.  The rationale is, that if you stay within what you now you have and don't "over spend",  you won't get a short fall and get into trouble. It's all about not getting into trouble by "over doing".

Right. We don't want "Trouble" in our lives do we?  Or maybe...the issue in our lives is that by staying within all the various ways we stay in "our means" is creating a very boring life.

But here's the thing: In order to change your life, you need to transform your form or  "your means".  You need to risk and go outside of all of the obstacles you have created to "keep you safe".

If you stayed inside who you think you are and decided that your physical form, your age, your financial situation, or even your relationship with your sexuality was a hard form that you had to carefully stay inside in order to be safe - then how are you suppose to transform your life?

So how is living within your means keeping you stuck?

Perhaps you are not going on adventures in your life when you believe that "your means" is a family structures that "limits" your ability to try new things.

Is "Staying within your means" the story you have about how to dress yourself because of age, weight, or public perception?

Is "Staying within your means" choosing not to pursue a love relationship because it doesn't fit all the right boxes that you believe you need to have?

And what about money?  Am I really saying to spend more money than you currently have?  Maybe.  Or spend it differently. Skip the shoes and buy the adventure, or the experience.  Experiences push us to live beyond our means on every possible level, and keep us feeling alive.

Create "more means".  I totally believe that if you decide that you are going to live bigger than you currently are, that you should go for it, and expand your means. Figure out ways to grow the money so you can have what you want in your life. Figure out payment plans, "Pleasure Plans" and expansion plans at the same timeHave the guts to do something different. Stretch! Let it be a little bit scary.  You don't have

Get rid of the stories, that "Living beyond your means" is selfish and irresponsible. I kind think that living "within" what ever story you have created for yourself that is keeping you from living your life in technicolor is a waste of a perfectly delicious life.

 

Don't Break Up With Your Desire

I am surrounded by friends right now in my personal life who are feeling dumped. Truth be told, I'm feeling a bit dumped too. We can feel dumped in all sorts of ways. Someone we loved may not love us back. A project that we believed in may be getting dumped. Our boss may have dumped us. A friend or a group of friends may have dumped us, or a family member. And sometimes, we even dump ourselves. But here's the thing:

Don't break up your desire even if you feel dumped by circumstance, misled, or lost. You still know what your desire is. Right? You can feel it. What it is that you want in your life. It's okay to feel impatient for it. Feel the ache like a tooth exposed at it's nerve.

Don't shame yourself for trusting the path that you set yourself on, even if all the plans went wonky. All that happened is that you tried. All that happened is that you loved. All that happened is that you danced with your desire and your dreams.

Come sit with me in the compost for a little while. It's kinda warm here, and there is plenty of room.

Put a red rose between your teeth. The rose is important because you get to look foxy and the perfume of the flower helps ease the scent of the compost!

But don't discount the murk. There is life in the shit. Seeds full of hunger and desire ready to sprout.

Can't you feel it?

The Thrill of Uncertainty; The Comfort of Stability

I'm pondering relationship this morning. Falling in love is simple; one has only to yield to the passion. Digesting another person, however, and sustaining love AND the erotic is bloody work, and not a soft job. Intimacy turns into familiarity. Passion into being the ever present air that you breathe. You are necessary but not always noticed. But just try holding your breath. Do we really have to leave in order to be noticed? How do you desire, hunger for, and want what you already have?

The key may be in the balance of the thrill uncertainty and the comfort of stability as author, Esther Perel (Mating in Captivity) loves to state.  And you can create these experiences in your life - whether you are partnered or not (Yes, single people want this too - in their relationship to themselves or in their dating lives).

The key is creating these opportunities for uncertainty.  Suspending the need to know what will happen - and jumping.  And for some of us that may mean doing it with our partner or trusted experts to provide the stability in all of that exciting uncertainty!

That is why I have created retreats for women and couples along with my partners at "Back to The Body".

When we are partnered, the need to create excitement, adventure and uncertainty can be tricky without threatening the stability of the relationship. A private sensuous couple's retreat can provide all of these elements for a couple to touch that spark again.

The same can be true for single women for are craving excitement and uncertainty in their own erotic lives and it is not showing up in a way that feels stable or safe to them. Attending a "Back to the Body: Sensuous Retreat for Women" and traveling to Victoria, BC for our core program or Tuscany to be with us in our Villa can also provide the same incredible sexy thrill of erotic adventure while reconnecting them to their own sensuous energy.

Sometimes, it can be as simple and as crazy as attending a retreat around sexuality to create the magic and thrill of uncertainty while knowing that you are ultimately in a stable environment.  Kinda like swinging on a trapeze and knowing their is a net underneath you!

Want to talk about it? Send me an email at Pamela@backtothebody.org and I would be happy to discuss creating a thrilling, sexy adventure for you and your beloved  whether that is another human being - or your beautiful self!

 

The Guts To Do Something Different

I know, I have talked about doing something different before. I will again. Because it is such a big, important skill set to learn. It takes guts to do something different.  In somatic sex education (through the body) we talk a lot about re-wiring neural pathways to sexual pleasure. That is what can happen when you do hands on work with a somatic sex practitioner. It is an amazing experience.
But there is also another piece to the puzzle on sex and relationship, and that is reprogramming our emotional neural pathways. What happens when you begin to feel restless, unsettled, anxious? Can you stop a minute and notice the hotness? That moment when you instantly grab for something? You know the something....that thing that you do when you are in one of those moments. Do you constantly threaten to leave your relationship? Do you withdraw? Abuse a substance? Throw things? Is it the same thing that you do repeatedly? Does it get you anywhere different? My guess, is that it doesn't. Think about doing something different ahead of time. What do you want to feel? How do you get there?

When you feel it coming on, just stop for a minute. And bring in your pre-planned new pattern of behavior or wing it! It can be really hard to do this. We want to reach for the familiar because even in it's dysfunction - it comforts us. Ask for support for this change in response from your friends, lovers, partners, therapists and coaches. It is through this constant paying attention and witnessing of our own emotional reactions that we can create the sexy, playful, beautiful experiences that we want to fill our lives.

 

Surviving The Relationship Roller Coaster

Maybe it is my age, or the age of my friends. But we all seem to be going through exactly the same stuff - just in different forms. We take turns talking about lovers, husbands, partners and how we are able to take care of ourselves while we ride the roller coaster of relationships.

We talk about the intensity; our the desires and the pain. The questions about whether or not to go forward and how do you let go. We worry about regret and how to take care of others while taking care of ourselves.
The problem seems to be in assuming that there is one truth, one deep authentic truth, about a relationship... and whether people admit that or not they tend to hold onto a universal wonder that sounds something like this:  "I will never truly know how he/she feels in his heart about me".

Well, most likely, neither will he or she.  We don't settle on one truth forever. Emotions move and flow, and if you think you can keep them in a box, forget about it. They will never stay the same.

Real life  is much more nuanced and paradoxical . Plus the deeper the relationship, the more obvious the extremes.

Think about some of your hottest relationships. You may experience ongoing waves of emotion. One day yes, one day no.  Sometimes, you can swing between these extremes for months and months and months.

This, to me, is not a sign of vacillation or weakness but a keen observation of how it works to be human.

To my eyes and heart, the highs are in intimate lockstep with the lows... it's like pushing a child on a swing, back and forth... the swing can't go further forward without also going further back...

Once I stopped believing this should be different than it is, I fell into the most amazing peace... embracing the highs and lows as they come.

Come on, I have shared with you here a  that secret most people would never believe: that there's an intimate connection between pleasure and pain... more intensity in one brings more intensity in the other.

It's the same here with emotions and "truth". Pulling back allows a deeper penetration... separating sets the stage for merge...

Sometimes, we have to suck it up, breathe through it, surrender to the simple truth of it. The essence of passion is paradox. The essence of comfort is predictability. What do you want?

This is simply how the process works.

If you feel like you are drowning in your relationship. That the high and lows are flooding your soul, I am here to say that you are not drowning. Whatever you choose will be perfect. These deep karmic relationships have a life of their own and people make up stories about why they make the choices that they do. But this is waaaay beyond rational choice or even emotional choice at times. Trust your body. You will know when to step forward, and when to step back... your body is telling you... now that you have opened your body, it can be your guide and compass.  You are doing the work. Now you can fire on all cylinders.

Enjoy the waves.
Loving you from here,

Pamela