Mid Life Sexuality

How Turning Fifty May Turn Your Life Upside Down

I don't care if you are in your mid forties or mid 50's. If you are anywhere near the years around that mid way mark of 50, you are in a crucial time of your life when you are ready for something more. Frankly, you may be really, really, really bored. If you have kids, they are grown or mostly grown enough for you to do what you want in your own life without having to worry about baby sitters or if they are old enough to be left alone. Your career may very well be on track, and you are less worried about making a change in your life that might upset your partner, family, or friends.

My bet is that you are smart, educated and have read a lot of books, seen too many talk shows, and have experimented with a lot stuff already. You may have all the buzz words down and you have already learned how to "quiet the mind", eat raw, juice, support your adrenals, balance you hormones, protect you gut, walk, meditate, detox, do the master cleanse, use food as medicine, find God, and you may have even looked at your own vagina in a mirror many times. You might even have checked out a "Tantra" book or two from the library, or attended a yoga retreat.

You may have checked out coffee and wheat grass enemas, plasma rich platelets, stem cells, manifestation, the power of positive thinking and the power of now. And all of this may have only added to this feeling that all of this is not what you are seeking right now.

Maybe the media is feeding us this message that when we are nearing 50 or after 50, our main focus should be all about living longer and looking younger, while you may be wanting to simply feel more alive.

For the first time in your very busy and achieving life, you may actually want to let go of responsibilities and get exploring. You are not alone. Divorce statistics show women that in 50-plus age group are leaving their marriages, starting new ones, choosing to be single by choice, ditching it all or even starting new careers.

Women turning or nearing 50 are being the initiators of change in their own lives. And not all of us are ready to do some kind of replay of "Eat, Pray, Love" in a pizzeria in Italy or an ashram in India. But we do want more and we are ready.

Here's the trick: it's all about understanding whether to respond to this "Season of Discontent" by completely ditching your life, making radical changes or if it's possible to find a less 'all or nothing' way to take a plunge into a more exciting life style?

Here's my tip. Start with re-exploring your own body and your own sexuality before you decide to throw everything up in the air. The boredom you are feeling may just be with your own abandoned, bored vagina. Start there, with your own relationship to your own sexuality and then see what you really want in your life. You might be really surprised.

And you can do that without ditching everything in your life. I did.

It's Time to Get Creative! June is Adult Sex Education Month!

You're not in middle school anymore when sex education was all about learning  about the birds and the bees. Maybe in high school you got a lesson about how to handle a condom, or how to say "No".  The fact is that you are not a kid anymore,  and what could be a better time than an entire month dedicated to learning about being a "grown up" and learning about getting creative in the bedroom. What could be a better time to get started trying something new than an entire month dedicated to Adult Sex Education!

#AdultSexEdMonth is the brain child of  originator of A Good Woman’s Dirty Mind (http://agoodwomansdirtymind.com).

How smart is she? And  how do you get started? Believe it or not, one of the best ways is to practice being sexual!

One of the more challenging things for many people when it comes to sex is to find what really turns them on after having removed all of their shame and judgment. The next big step is to then state their desires out loud to themselves and to their intimate partners. It is easier said than done, because it requires time, patience and dedication.

Recently, one of my sex coaching clients Vicky, started our session by exclaiming “Holy shit. I think it's actually revolutionary what I'm doing. I am practicing being sexual. I can now actually use the word “sex” without feeling self-conscious or guilty. I am finding my sexual voice. And damn, it does take practice!”

Vicky has been practicing what is often referred to as “Orgasmic Yoga” which, in reality, is not about yoga or orgasms! It's really just another name for developing a core erotic practice.

She has been on a 30 day practice schedule of working solo with her own body; exploring it on a physical and emotional level. Orgasmic Yoga is a pleasurable, intimate and trans-formative discipline that is practiced while sexually aroused. The goal is to develop or reclaim erotic capacities. Some individuals practice it to reawaken the awesome feelings in their body., others to discover it for the first time.

Taking the time to participate in a mindful, planned solo erotic practice allows the individual to focus on what is substantial in their sexuality rather than what is superficial.

Vicky has also been working to identify her peak erotic experiences in order to understand what gives her authentic sexual pleasure. The desired result is to giver herself the ability to better communicate her sexual needs to herself and to her partner. This takes guts, and it takes time. It can feel like a radical step to actually practice being sexual. But Vicky, like the countless women and men that I work with, have decided they really want to own their own sexuality; that it's their time.

From Vicky:

“I attended a music workshop recently where we explored the idea of stepping out and dipping our toes into fear. This was about trying on new ways to use our voices, and about performing. It was all new to me, for I am not a performer at all, and while I sing in a community choir, I sing very quietly. I enjoy learning and I feel safe as long as I am surrounded by a group of stronger singers. I imagined the choir as my comfort zone, where I could participate without having to step out into the fear of performing solo.

"But this is not really a comfort zone at all, as I learned during the workshop. My comfort zone is what I know and explore about my own voice. What can it do? What is its range? Where is the heart of the music I love? The only way to discover it is through practice. And more practice. The comfort zone is here, in my own voice. And once I know my own voice, then I can step out into the unknown, fearful places where I can challenge myself to change and expand and share my voice with others.

"It was in choir that I made the connection between our sex coaching and choir.

"I had always thought that my sexual comfort zone was a very confined space, where I would not be challenged, where my partner would be 'fine' with the status quo of our intimate life. I thought the best I could ever hope for was to somehow get better at it, so I could please him better. I thought I wanted the comprehensive 'how-to' manual, but even if there was such a thing, I was too embarrassed and shy to look at it.

"But that's not the comfort zone, is it? What I am learning is that it starts with me. I get to discover my own self as a sexual being, finally, in my mid-fifties! I have to learn to name what my own heart and mind and body want. I need to discover for the first time how sex works for me. I need to come to my senses. It's a bit of a paradox. It's scary to be discovering my own comfort zone. And if this is scary, what will it be like to step out of it?”

A Beginners Guide to Orgasmic Yoga Practice:

From Joseph Kramer, Ph.D, Founder of Orgasmic Yoga: “At it's core Orgasmic Yoga invites embodied, mindful self-accountability. The self-directed practice sessions involve breathing, savoring, sound, movement, touch, placement of attention, and awareness of intention.

"Erotic practice sessions weave together the heart and genitals. This alone is a profound reason to commit to practice. Orgasmic Yoga often produces a state of arousal that is free of fantasy, unfinished emotional business, religious dogma, cultural caveats and habitual sexual behaviors. In this erotic trance state, an individual becomes aware of the body as a source of wisdom, happiness and freedom. Thus, the intent of Orgasmic Yoga practice is the practice”.

Every Orgasmic Yoga session includes the following:

  1. A statement of intention(s) at the beginning.
  2. A clear beginning and ending time.
  3. A session structure, outline or choreography.
  4. One or more minutes of Kegels.
  5. Conscious breathing patterns.
  6. Movement, stretching, and/or dancing.
  7. Sounds, moans and laughter.
  8. Quiet for the last five minutes of each session.
  9. Reflection and note-taking after each session.
  10. Full body self touch including genitals

Optional:

  1. Use of toys or vibrators
  2. Specially Chosen Music

“An integral part of Orgasmic Yoga is to savor and reflect upon the experience after you have completed each day’s practice. It is crucial that you rest quietly for at least five minutes at the end of your session, to simply be and breathe. We suggest that you then reflect on your experience in a journal or with a friend or lover” says Joseph Kramer .

Clearing the space in your life to learn your own sexual voice  can change how you understand, express and enjoy your sexualty. It can also enliven your sexual expression  with your loved ones. It's one of the gifts that you can give yourself.

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Do you want to know more about Pamela and her "Back to The Body Retreat's For Couple's and Women? Visit here.

Sex For One: Tips For Women Under 50 and Happily Ever After

Somehow we get it in our heads that we need a partner for sex. And while partnered sex can be fabulous and exciting, it never takes away from our need to become an expert in our own eroticism. .

I had one of my clients say to me; “If I have to do it for myself, it's not worth anything”. Oh contraire. Sex for one is not a lousy second prize. It can be a delicious meal that we get to eat just for ourselves.

It's also important part of being a woman. For younger women self pleasuring can help them learn their own bodies in a safe, private and shameless environment. Becoming an expert in our own erotic landscape is an important part of becoming a self sustainable sexual being. This early on self exploration can set up younger women for a lifetime of full on sensual pleasure.

The most successful partnered sex interactions involve people who can understand their own sexual desires and what makes them feel good. If we are comfortable in this knowledge, it is an amazing gift to not only bring to ourselves, but to our partners.

For single women and women after 50, self pleasuring can become a vital means of keep their vaginal health. Without sexual play, vaginal walls become thin and can create an atmosphere of easy tearing and painful intercourse.

And there is lots of research that show that women who self pleasure (masturbate) on a regular basis report an over all better relationship with sex, sexual satisfaction is higher and they just feel better about everything to do with sex.

So, how do you make self pleasuring a better experience?

1. Set the stage. You are going on a date with yourself. What kind of a date are you? How are you going to show up for yourself? Think about putting on music, sexy clothing if that turns you on, and maybe lighting a candle for yourself.

2. Take a long sexy bath and consider beginning your “foreplay” there. The bath or shower is a very private place if you share your home with others. And, the bath and shower can be a delicious self pleasuring tool. Water can be an incredible tool for arousal and orgasm. Use the hand shower or prop yourself up so that the water stream can hit you in just the right place. Just play in the sensations. You can add in your hands to bring yourself more intensity. Experimenting with water and self touch can make you feel like you are on your own erotic adventure. If you have a hot tub with jets, put your body in just the right place and you can have sensations that you have never felt before. Be curious and playful with yourself! Play with distance and angles of the water stream.

3. Your own hands on your own body may be one of the best sex tools around. Consider not being genital focused to begin with. Use some lovely coconut oil (or lotion of your choice) and give your body some delicious all over touch. Play with your hair. Touch your breasts. And all of the rest of you. Some women do not have breasts due to cancer. Allow your hands to come to where your breasts were, or over reconstruction. Your fingers have memory of the sensations. Allow the memory to come through.

Touch yourself where it feels good to touch yourself. Move your body. Allow yourself to make sounds. Make touching yourself your own activity. There are no rules. When we are children we train ourselves to be “quiet and quick” when it comes to masturbation. We don't want to be caught. Well, you are all grown up now. Make noise and take your time.

Try holding your vulva and simply rocking to begin with. Start by using the palm of your hand and apply gentle pressure by gently pushing down. You might also like a deeper pressure. Experiment with what feels good to you. Sometimes it feels good to start slowly and gently awaken your own arousal. Take your time (how many times am I going to say that?). Gently touch or pat your clitoris with one finger. Some people like to use their pointer or middle finger to start. Play with the pressure and the speed. Use lubricant if you feel dry, it will increase your pleasure.

4. Consider bringing in the toys! Self pleasuring toys are available almost everywhere these days and many of the shops that carry them are run by women. If you don't have such a shop by you, you can order on line from many of them. There are so many different toys to choose from in every price range and style. Experiment! Buy a few and spend time with each one. I tell my clients to go on a date with their toy! Use it all over your body, not just your genitals. If you are not having intercourse in your life on a regular basis, consider bring an “insertable” toy into your self pleasuring practice for pleasure and for vaginal health. Women have an incredible range of pleasure possibilities inside their vagina and pelvis. Explore them!

5. Explore parts of yourself that perhaps you have never explore before like your anus. Anal play can be very sexy and most women don't go near their anus. You can begin by simple using your hands and give yourself a massage. There are also anal vibrators, beads and anal plugs that you can buy to add to your own self pleasuring experiments.

6. Read yourself sexy! Erotica can be an incredible turn on and can enhance your self pleasuring experience.

Take the time to love and explore yourself. Sex for one is not less. Its a full and delicious meal.