Mid Life Crisis

The Wisdom of Embracing Our "Inconvenient Woman"

I know this woman as I meet her every day in my sexuality coaching practice or at my retreats. She is a woman who is successful by most measures in every part of her life, yet she  feels so frozen in her body that she can no longer feel herself. Her sexuality feels numb and when she talks about her desires and passions, it's said with a shyness as if talking about some kind of dream.  Or her voice shakes with a strong anger of being completely done with how she has been living up until this point.  Whether the voice is soft or strident; there is a part of her that  knows that her fantasy can become reality, but for now it feels out of reach. There is a time in a woman's life -  usually in mid-life, when a woman has to make a decision. And I believe that his decision may possibly the most important  decision of her future life.  Will she live the second half of her life as a convenient and bitter woman, or as an alive and inconvenient women?

Some women come to this place in their late thirties or forties - but by the time women turn 50 there is a fierceness to this desire to reemerge and create a new way of being in the world and in their bodies.

I gave up being an convenient woman in my forties, and it's impossible to go back. The woman who not only understands the rules but follows them.  But if you were raising children, climbing the corporate ladder,  walking dogs, and running the PTA - it could have felt really important to follow the rules.  But then it happens. That place in our lives where we are so filled up with what has been expected of us and not what we may actually need for our very own soul that we get pissed off and exhausted that all we do is routine. There is no energy for anything else.

What we thought might have been how were were going to live our lives may be nothing more than a crumbled paper in the back of a shoe box.  As women who have lived full lives up until mid life we may have accumulated a few broken hearts,  failed marriages and more than a handful of lost promises.

It's time to take a breath and look around.

It's time for a rebellion.

In mid life we are  still young enough to recreate our lives.  For many of us, the kids are grown or almost grown. Or we have moved on from the biological clock imperative.  Our parents may not need us fully yet in care taking mode and it's possible that we no longer have a dog that needs walking or a husband who needs dinner on the table.  And if we do, the expectations can now shift.

Personally, At 50, my "give a shit" has run out. I am drawn to a life and love where I disturb the status normal. I gravitate to what pulls me.  If there is no pull, no direction, no hunger,  I find that I lose interest.  Mid life brings with it the possibility of a brand new life if only you are willing. It can be a time of using up what is in our box before we go to our boxes.  It can be a time to explore the parts of yourself that you have put on the shelf.

And yes, I know you are not quite ready yet. Well, guess what? We all begin the process before we are ready.  I do not know woman who thought that they were strong enough, or knew enough, or had enough time or money before she began her journey to her own inconvenient woman.

It all starts with a feeling inside of us.  Call it "Restless Leg Syndrome", a tickle in our noses or an inability to sleep. It's not Peri-menopause, it's the call within us to break out  of the lives we are currently living in some way.

You do not have to know how to read the map in order to get up and change your life.  No one starts their journey into their inconvenient woman knowing all the answers.  And I know the story; you are not ready yet but you will be soon. I know you need time before you go off to live your big dream, but this only works for a short while. No one is ever ready and there will never be a right time.

At some point each convenient woman needs to simply jump into the land of being an inconvenient woman. You know the one; the one that does not show up at Thanksgiving this year because she is riding her RV through the country, dancing tango in Spain, or embracing her mid life sex Goddess in Tuscany this year.

It happens all the time.

I may be mad, but I will never again be convenient.

How Turning Fifty May Turn Your Life Upside Down

I don't care if you are in your mid forties or mid 50's. If you are anywhere near the years around that mid way mark of 50, you are in a crucial time of your life when you are ready for something more. Frankly, you may be really, really, really bored. If you have kids, they are grown or mostly grown enough for you to do what you want in your own life without having to worry about baby sitters or if they are old enough to be left alone. Your career may very well be on track, and you are less worried about making a change in your life that might upset your partner, family, or friends.

My bet is that you are smart, educated and have read a lot of books, seen too many talk shows, and have experimented with a lot stuff already. You may have all the buzz words down and you have already learned how to "quiet the mind", eat raw, juice, support your adrenals, balance you hormones, protect you gut, walk, meditate, detox, do the master cleanse, use food as medicine, find God, and you may have even looked at your own vagina in a mirror many times. You might even have checked out a "Tantra" book or two from the library, or attended a yoga retreat.

You may have checked out coffee and wheat grass enemas, plasma rich platelets, stem cells, manifestation, the power of positive thinking and the power of now. And all of this may have only added to this feeling that all of this is not what you are seeking right now.

Maybe the media is feeding us this message that when we are nearing 50 or after 50, our main focus should be all about living longer and looking younger, while you may be wanting to simply feel more alive.

For the first time in your very busy and achieving life, you may actually want to let go of responsibilities and get exploring. You are not alone. Divorce statistics show women that in 50-plus age group are leaving their marriages, starting new ones, choosing to be single by choice, ditching it all or even starting new careers.

Women turning or nearing 50 are being the initiators of change in their own lives. And not all of us are ready to do some kind of replay of "Eat, Pray, Love" in a pizzeria in Italy or an ashram in India. But we do want more and we are ready.

Here's the trick: it's all about understanding whether to respond to this "Season of Discontent" by completely ditching your life, making radical changes or if it's possible to find a less 'all or nothing' way to take a plunge into a more exciting life style?

Here's my tip. Start with re-exploring your own body and your own sexuality before you decide to throw everything up in the air. The boredom you are feeling may just be with your own abandoned, bored vagina. Start there, with your own relationship to your own sexuality and then see what you really want in your life. You might be really surprised.

And you can do that without ditching everything in your life. I did.