Intimacy

An Invitation to do Something Different....

It has begun. The time between Thanksgiving and New Years where we prepare for Winter with celebration before we officially turn inward to the time of resting, re renewal and gentle change. Today is "Black Friday" and the world is out shopping. I find myself doing something different. I am reading old letters. Letters of love, sex, and anticipation. Letters of heart break and misunderstanding. Do you ever do that? Go back and read your life? Recount the memories? Touch the soft spots? Long for more of them? A beautiful man sent me this poem a long time ago. He loved me and wanted to know what made up the marrow of my bones. The poem below still speaks of the truth that I seek in myself, in my friends, in my beloveds. I share it with you on this day of consuming....it's a different kind of invitation.

Read this. And then think about sharing something tender with another or yourself. Write about something deep in your heart that connects you to what is real. Blog it. Mail it. Text it. Reach out today and share something authentic.Start a conversation. Be generous with love. Move a heart in your life. Today doesn't have to be about leftovers and shopping. It can be something different.....

An Invitation:

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love for your dreams for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon... I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain mine or your own without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy mine or your own if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful be realistic to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself.

If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.I want to know if you can live with failure yours and mine and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes."

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.
Loving you from here,

Pamela

Home Grown Sex

My husband took the day off today. He just forgot to tell me that he was doing this, and I had made plans with a girl friend to go walking - and it was a girlfriend that I have trouble holding onto a date with. Gavin said go take your walk and then we will spend the rest of the day together, and then he told me that he was taking the next day off too.

There was the initial feeling of joy and then panic. What would we do together? We are so used to being passing ships...or docked ships. Do we know how to be ships that are actively in port together anymore?

I decided to do something that I rarely do in my marriage, on a mid week morning. I just got naked. I did what I often have trouble doing in my own marriage - and talk to people about doing in their own lives all the time. I reached for sex. I actually did more than that, I asked for sex!

I asked for sex that I wasn’t even sure that I wanted, but I asked any way. I didn’t give my husband a script. I didn’t tell him what turned me on. I just asked him to make love with me.

Gavin said - "You will be late for your walk."

I said, "No I won’t"

He looked at my nakedness and he came over and ran his hands over my unadorned body. "You know - your body is changing. I see you everyday so I don’t always notice, but you feel so different to my hands....your waist...oh....your ass.." He was positively purring. Well - this was a good start.

"There is a naked woman in my living room" He laughed. I left his arms and walked over to the bed.

"There is a naked woman in your bed....."

Gavin climbed in after me and simply enjoyed touching my body. The man has good hands.

I wanted to do something a little different. I didn’t know what - just something....in retrospect just having sex in the middle of the morning on a weekday was a little bit different!!!

I climbed into his lap and just started to "run energy" with him. Running energy is breathing into each other bellies, and feeling your pelvis's connect. It is very "Tantra". My husband is not very Tantra!

He was very unsure. We had to adjusted our bodies. I tried to do what I have often done in workshops with my husband - I tried to focus on root chakra energy and breath. I could feel him becoming aroused. Well, I guess his his root chakra was awake....I was feeling encouraged.

I laid back in the bed, And left my legs and bottom just where they were in his lap. I was completely relaxed...soft. He had complete access to my body....and he took advantage of that....

You know - My husband is fine lover after 29 years or so...the fact that we can even get a buzz on from each other is something worth celebrating! I am not going into the details, but with my husband - I simply don't worry "taking too long" or anything else. One of the joy of marriage is there is no self consciousness with him at all - there is just pleasure.

I return to consciousness, and began to love his body. This was not a day for rushing and I took my time with his pleasure. I think a lot about married monogamous long term sex. I was even thinking about it a little bit until his sounds of pleasure turned into softer breath, and a peaceful holding.

Was our love making this hot, frenzied place of passion? Well - No. But it was lovely....

I don’t know how long it has been in the space between our love making. Sometimes, life gets in the way of finding time for each other in this way. But perhaps the space doesn’t matter I don’t know. Perhaps what matters is that we can still come together, when we do come together and find pleasure with each other.

Our love making feeds me in the way that it feeds me. When we join together it is solid, without frills and deeply satisfying...

I had long ago stopped trying to create it into being something that it is not. I seem to only get into trouble when I want my marriage bed to something different than it is - when my expectations of my husband out strip where he wants to go....

But if I simply present myself - offer my body in a very simple way - this man reaches for me....and loves me so beautifully.

It is home made sex. Simple, satisfying and after almost three decades often without frills...but the kind of meal that you don’t have to worry about. You know if you bother to cook it....it will be just what you need. It will be enough.

Later that day - with the sun shining....Mr and Mrs took a walk in our neighborhood. We haven't done this in a very long time. We held hands the way that we have held hands since I was seventeen years old. It is all so familiar and it is all so home grown. It is a big piece of who I still am....this man....our family.....our little home. Gavin doesn't hold all the parts of me. But he does love, hold and know my heart like no one else.

Authors Note: This writing is from my private journals - and was written months ago. I hope you enjoyed it. It's Valentines Day and I am on the road without my honey - I was missing "Home Grown Sex"!