Female Sexuality

Join Pamela and Monique For "Female Erotic Confidence: The Art of Being Soft and Powerful"

“The erotic has often been misnamed by men and used against women. It has been made into the confused, the trivial, the psychotic, the plasticized sensation. For this reason, we have often turned away from the exploration and consideration of the erotic as a source of power and information, confusing it with its opposite, the pornographic.  The erotic is a measure between the beginnings of our sense of self and the chaos of our strongest feelings. It is an internal sense of satisfaction to which, once we have experienced it, we know we can aspire.”― Audre Lorde, Uses of the Erotic: The Erotic as Power

"Female Erotic Confidence: The Art of Being Soft and Powerful" is the dream child workshop of two pioneering sex educators Pamela Madsen and Monqiue Darling.  

The erotic is the deepest life force energy there is. As women we are taught to suppress it instead of harnessing it's power. In this five hour  all female playshop we explore what it is to have erotic confidence and how to harness it for our lives.

Perhaps you have never heard the term "Erotic Intelligence", Erotic Guides" or even "Uses of the Erotic". Most women live outside ourselves, and rely on external forces, input and directives to guide our lives rather than from our internal knowledge and needs. When we tune out our own internal erotic guides we limit our capacity for creativity, sexual expression, pleasure, and our own ability to be powerful in our careers. This workshop will introduce you to your own internal guide perhaps for the first time, or take you deeper of the power of the erotic within ourselves.

1. Guided meditation into listening to our own internal erotic guide. 2. Exploring our full female expression and how we hold those emotions in our bodies. 3. Examine why we keep ourselves small erotically and practice opening ourselves up to our greatness 4. Delve deeper in our sexual desire and learn to honor, access and express it. 5. Investigate how the voices of our internal guide shift with each life change from menstruation to menopause. 6. Confront our hunger in every form from sexuality, to food, to money. 7.Tell the stories of our bodies. 8. Learn to access and work with our Arousal and Orgasm as a holistic tool for healing and transformation in our lives.

In a circle of women we will  begin to loosen the shackles that bind your heart and tongue as you find your divine reflection through each person you interact with.  We will witness each other with clarity and unconditional love and you will emerge transformed.


October 12th, 2014 1:30 to 6:30pm

Location: A private studio in NYC (location will be given after registration)

Cost: $100.00

Get your ticket! You can still come today. We have room for five more women!



GENERAL INFO * Please eat before you arrive. * This is a guided event * Please arrive at 1:30 * Doors will be locked at 2pm

WHAT TO BRING: * Nesting area - cushions, blankets, and anything soft and fuzzy to make your own personal nest on the floor * a blindfold * a closed water bottle

About Your Facilitators:

Pamela Madsen, NYC, NY  is an integrative life coach specializing in the issues of women with a concentration on sexuality and self image. Pamela is the Founder of The American Fertility Association and Back to The Body: Sensuous Retreats For Women. She is the author of "Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time To Cook Dinner" (Rodale Press) and sexuality blogger for sites such as Psychology Today, Care.2 and Better After 50. http://www.PamelaMadsen.org and http://www.backtothebody.org

Monique Darling, San Diego, CA, is the founder of Juicy Enlightenment which provides workshops and experiential play-shops in the art of Tantra and conscious loving. She has studied and taught with renowned Tantra teachers and extraordinary workshop facilitators since 1990 and is a certified Cuddle Party Facilitator. She has been featured on TLC and The Dr’s and has been interviewed by magazines across the USA. Monique is dedicated to empowering others utilizing her vast repertoire of cutting-edge teachings. She specializes in helping others reclaim their power and natural sensuality by transmuting fear and repression into courage, self-love and freedom. She guides from a place of understanding and her natural exuberance is infectious! She is available for private sessions, experiential workshops and Cuddle Parties. www.juicyenlightenment.com

Portal into the Feminine: A One Day Retreat in Seattle

Attention Gorgeous Women of Seattle or Those Willing To Travel! Mark Your Calendars and Get Your Tickets! I am super excited about a unique and brand new offering that I have created with the support of the amazing Sophia Sky and Foundation for Sex Positive Culture! "Portal Into The Feminine: A One Day Retreat For Women". We will begin with a reception on the evening of November 21st and melt into our full day together on November 22nd. Lunch is included.

Perhaps you have never heard the term "Erotic Intelligence", Erotic Guides" or even "Uses of the Erotic". Most women live outside ourselves, and rely on external forces, input and directives to guide our lives rather than from our internal knowledge and needs. When we tune out our own internal erotic guides we limit our capacity for creativity, sexual expression, pleasure, and our own ability to be powerful in our careers. This workshop will introduce you to your own internal guide perhaps for the first time, or take you deeper of the power of the erotic within ourselves.

The retreat will begin the moment you register with homework assignments and the opportunity to participate in a special Facebook Group created just for the women attending this experience. We will join together the evening before our retreat to know each other, share some light food and wine, create the intentions for our retreat and begin to explore this concept of the erotic as an internal guide for women.

On Saturday we will begin the process of exploring, reclaiming or getting to know our personal erotic internal guides.

Our process will include:

1. Guided meditation into listening to our own internal erotic guide. 2. Exploring our full female expression and how we hold those emotions in our bodies. 3. Examine why we keep ourselves small erotically and practice opening ourselves up to our greatness 4. Delve deeper in our sexual desire and learn to honor, access and express it. 5. Understanding menstruation, Peri-menopause and menopause: How do these stages of female biology affect our sexuality, creativity and desire. How does the voices of our internal guide shift with each life change. 6. Confront our hunger in every form from sexuality, to food, to money. 7.Tell the stories of our bodies. 8. Learn to access and work with our Arousal and Orgasm as a holistic tool for healing and transformation in our lives.

Women will have access to the Facebook group group after the retreat is over for further support. Advance Registration Only. Investment: $150.00.  Date Reminder: November 21st and melt into our full day together on November 22nd. Lunch is included.

I can't wait to share all of this with you.

Register Here:

The Art of Being Sexually Selfish! A Complimentary Tele-Seminar

Join Pamela Madsen and Neal Wecker internationally known Certified Somatic Sex Educators with over 30 years of combined experience in adult sex education for a unique complimentary tele-seminar on exploring the state of sexual selfishness. Learning how to receive and be sexually selfish is essential for deep arousal especially for women. For women,their erotic excitement has to be able to break form from 'taking care of others' to a place of valuing and living their arousal.

The 'Art of Being Sexually Selfish' will explore ways for women to break through their barriers for the pleasure that they desire and deserve. The reality of the need shows up so clearly in the fantasy about being utterly taken, taken without her having to care about someone else in her experience of surrendering. Come and explore the 'Circle of Consent' and so much more.

The call will take place on Tuesday, August 26th at 5pm PT/8pm ET. After the call Pamela and Neal will stay on the line to answer questions about Back to the Body: Sensuous Retreats for Women and private sessions.

Self Register for this Complimentary Seminar Here

We hope you can join us!

Reclaiming The Female Erotic Body

Imagine a society where a girl grows up being taught that her genitals are beautiful, sacred and belong to her.  In this culture, this girl might then grow up to become a woman who is able to live in her own bright light and not be frightened, constrained or shamed by her own femaleness.  I have never met an adult woman who was raised with her sexuality being celebrated and honored. I am hopeful, for the next generation. But that would mean we would need to stop regulating female sexuality and reproduction. We would have to come together as a global community, stand up and declare that a woman's body belongs to no one but herself.

I want to live in a world where women who are empowered in their bodies and their sexual expression are not thought of as dangerous or slut shamed. Where women are not taught to separate their erotic nature from the most vital parts of our lives other than sex.  Where women are taught that their erotic nature empowers their work, creativity, and their ability to serve their community.

As women, we need to forward the way in which our communities can truly be different.  What if the erotic nature of women truly is our life force energy? What if my belief that this erotic energy transforms and fuels us to a greater expression of creativity, learning, loving, working, painting, dancing, cooking, parenting, and enjoying our lives? How can we support girls and women to have this?

Every women needs to know she is welcomed, honored and worthy of having pleasure in her body. Every women needs to be taught from the earliest age that her vulva is beautiful, that her desires are important, and that she is worthy of attention.

Women who have not been raised within this loving environment need to have their wounds healed. Most women are raised with some level of shame around the appearance, smell, or discharges from their genitals. It is only in recent years that menstruation is being honored for young women, and only in segments of our communities. Because so many women have been raised with fear around their own sexuality, we have learned to numb out and disconnect from our bodies. Women need to be given the opportunity to reconnect to their bodies and their sexual feelings. This is a kind of re-parenting of the body: where each women is given opportunities to focus on simply feeling and focusing on sensation.  For a woman who is raised with shame, fear, or hurt in her own sexuality, it may take time for her to drop her full body armor and open.

Without real and relevant sex education, women are raised without knowledge of their own genital anatomy - let alone what could possibly give them pleasure. Most women do not have partners who also understand the female body. Our men, were not given an education either. So if women and men do not know what is possible erotically for a woman - the experience of sexuality can often be less than pleasurable or not as beautiful as it can be.

It is possible for women to self connect to their own erotic bodies; even women who have been traumatized and not just neglected or shamed on subtle levels. Women can be shown how to reclaim what was always there and find all the joy that their are capable of feeling in their bodies.

Once women are able to deeply feel all the aspects of their sexuality and bring it fully into their lives - they will begin to demand from themselves and from those around them a level of integrity that is full of radiance. No one some want to keep it all under wraps. A fully erotically empowered woman will evaluate all of her life: her partnerships, her work, and even where she lives. She may make changes. She may no longer settle for what is convenient or conventional.

A fully embodied self loving woman will finally let go of the fear of her own deepest cravings. She will no longer be frightened of the loud, wild "YES" within herself.  Imagine all of us being able to claim our pleasure - and where no one has to retreat into fear and numbing. It's possible.  I have bore witness.

Here is My "Naked" Truth

There is a lot of attention being given to an article in HuffPo After 50  entitled  My "Naked" Truth by Robin Korth. In this blog, Robin bravely speaks about her experience being rejected by a lover for her aging body.  She rejects him right back.  But in the middle of sharing with us, she actually defends the physical attractiveness of her body by societal standards, by letting us know that she is thin and fit. A size 6.  Robin wants us to know that even though she is aging, she had gotten it "right":  So what's wrong with him? More importantly, what's up with us? Is the message that if we are aging and not a size 6 we are going to be in for some real trouble? Or what if we had some kind of body changing surgery through the years? Robin is still on a very deep level  (even in her outrage)  buying into the party line about what is sexy and what is not -  when it comes to the female form. Robin is not alone. Everyday I have to fight off those messages. So do countless other women. It is a shared pain.

We face pain around our bodies and our sexuality when we are aging, and we face it when we are young. I felt it the first time when I was a chubby five year old and my mother told me that handsome men didn't like chubby girls. Now I am being told they don't like aging girls either.

And it's by these not so subtle and subtle messages that women begin to distrust the power of their own erotic body and their own beauty. We tamp it down and we give our sexual power away. Most women never come near accessing the power that their bodies have erotically. We are trained and conditioned not to go there.

A part of that conditioning, comes from the messages that women have grown up with around the j"superficially erotic" by current standards of beauty. Women can't really win. We have been made to suffer and feel contemptible both when we meet those standards, and when we do not.

We have learned to suppress our sexuality and in doing so, we have suppressed our creative life force energy.  How many of us have been in the presence of really attractive looking women who fit the script and have felt no sexual energy coming from them at all? That's because they don't feel it either. These beauties have been successfully condition; and it's an epidemic.

Here is my "naked" truth:

When I release my erotic self from societies constrained container of how I am "suppose to be", my life flows with color and a kind of energy that heightens and sensitizes and strengthens all of my experiences.  When I am able to find this place within myself and release all of the myths around my erotic desirability - I am able to show up in the body that I am in - with incredible hotness that I feel first and then I share with my partner. Erotic life force energy (sexiness) flows from the inside out.

Try not to roll your eyes.

If "others" are stuck in what they I should look like; then they don't get to have me. I much prefer this idea of inviting "others" to meet me in my own unique expression of my sexuality and my physical beauty.  I'm a gift.  And it took me some time to really heal the wounds of society and really own that place inside myself. This place of erotic confidence did not come easily.

Most of us come from a similar perspective when it comes to sexuality and self image.

The experience of our bodies, our self image and our sexuality often gets lost in translation. Instead of saying that all sexuality and all bodies is about this or that - let's recognize that the even the word "sexuality" and "self image" has layers of meaning built into it.  We are an amalgamation of desire, life experience, bodies, gender, subconscious urges, shame, sensations, and behaviors. Parts of our sexuality spring up from us organically, and some parts are shaped by our culture, religion, and even our language.

"Sex Appeal" is not one thing or one way. Our sexuality is a holistic and whole body experience that is unique in it's expression from human to human. It would be a huge relief if we could all stop pretending that we have sexuality all figured out and that we have all the answers. Sexuality is not geometry; it's a living container.  And it is found in all of our bodies at every age, shape and size.

So if we don't have sexuality and body image "all figured out", how do support women who are an amalgamation of all of this grow, explore, feel safe, and heal their relationship Eros?

How do we present to ourselves naked?

I have come to believe that the women themselves have all of the information that they need deeply held inside of them,  they just need the space and the space holders to help them unlock it. We need to be able to heal the wounds and strip away the stories that keep being told to us even in the stories that are meant to heal us! Sometimes, that calls for women to be naked together. And I am not talking about women engaging in some kind of group sex orgy. Even spending time in a Korean Spa can be very healing for women. We need to see each others real bodies so we can open to the beauty of our own.

Recently, at one of the sexuality healing retreats that I co-facilitate, "Back to the Body: Sensuous Retreats" for Women",  one of the women wrote publicly about her experience watching me demo a live "Sexological Bodywork" session with two practitioners, Ron Stewart and Neal Wecker.

This is one of the bravest things that I do. It involves me getting naked, climbing on a massage table and receiving sensuous body work in front of our six women.  I am publicly in an erotic experience for the sole purpose of permissioning and teaching other women about what is possible in their own bodies.

We teach all kinds of skills through this demonstration, and it prepares the women for their own sessions.  This is what this woman wrote about watching the session and my fifty year old Rubenesque body. I get to confront every possible myth I have about my aging, changing, full body every time I do this. And trust me, it was pretty edgy for me reading the account through her eyes, just as it is for me to re-publish it.

From journal of Ali Shanti published on Facebook while she was at the retreat:

"This is the end of day 1. We have 4 more days here together. Each day, each woman has a private session with one of the men. On the last day, we each have a 4-hand session with both men.

But first, today, we got to watch Pamela get on the table with both men working on her.

I feel nervous to share the details with you. Let me just start by passing on one of the first things that Pamela shared with us about why she does this work ...

"Women rarely get to experience what it's like to be in the alchemy of their own pleasure."

Why is that? What keeps that from happening?

Pamela says that, for the most part, it's because the whole arousal part of our eroticism is skipped over to get to climax. We are trained to match our men, who are locked into an immature masculine pattern of orgasm. The 10-minute, quiet and quick, in and out, get em up and get em off reality of sex in our culture.

Neal says it's because women are conditioned to believe we have to choose between our pleasure and our heart and so we choose heart and turn off the pleasure.

Which one of these, if either, resonates with you?

When we have sex just to "get off", how can there be time or room for alchemy?

Today, there was time and room and space and welcoming of the pleasure that creates alchemy. It began with Pamela and her demo.

Pamela is a voluptuous woman. She has had two c-sections and bears the scars and the belly and the full breasts, wide hips, thighs and arms to match. She is what you would call Rubenesque.

And, she may just be the hottest woman I've ever seen naked.

How does she do it?

She says "I stay alive in my body all the time. I have body shame and I'm still hot." She takes fully 100% responsibility for her sexuality, and her experience.

As she was on the table today demo'ing the experience of being worked on by sexological bodyworkers, we saw the alchemy in action as she rose to her knees like the Priestess she is, fully aroused and visible, pulsing with sensation, courageously letting us see all of her. Beyond courageous, really.

At the end of her journey, during the height of her orgasm, came moments of deep prayer, calling in the support of the Universe for her loved ones, for us, for life itself.

Pleasure as a path to alchemy. Yes, thank you, more please.

Through the experience of watching Pamela, I received the transmission of courage for my own alchemical, orgasmic experience.

What I found most interesting is that my mind would swear up and down I am as self-expressed, courageous and sexually comfortable as Pamela. But my body told another story completely. I was scared. Contracted. Uncertain. Worried. Would I be able to relax and receive?

Yes. Yes. Yes. I could. I did. I allowed it all and as I broke through my own pleasure ceiling, at the height of my arousal, I could feel the alchemy happening. And today was just day one. More tomorrow ..."

So why share this? Because this woman was able to FEEL my hotness even if her eyes told her initially this story about my body that didn't fit the script about how "Hot and Sexy" should look.  In my own willingness to move past the script about my body - I can become the "hottest woman in the room".  I allow it.   Yes, my body has a story to tell. And it's my story.

It's time to take back our own "Naked" truth. As women we have come to distrust that power which rises from our deepest and non rational knowledge.   Yes! This is about the body! This is "Non-Rational Knowledge". We have to let go of the stories that we have been told and allow ourselves to connect back to our bodies.

We have been warned against this our entire lives by a world based on masculine power, perceptions and desires - which somehow women have taken into our bodies as our own reality.  We are taught to fear our depth, and women are shut down to examine the possibilities of it within themselves.

But our bodies at every age and presentation is filled with our erotic energy. This offers a well of replenishment and a proactive force to the women do not fear what it can hold for them.

Do not  succumb to the belief that your reflection of me, is who I am.

When women reveal themselves to themselves as hot, sexy, raw and wild it is a provocative and radical act filled with power.

Let's do it a lot

PS. That picture is of my real life 50 year old fat ass.  And I love it.


Your Sexuality Is Your Garden, Your Will The Gardener

I meet women every day who want something more in their lives when it comes to their relationship with their own bodies. They feel shut down and turned off when it come to their own sexual selves. They describe to me a general feeling of numbness, lack of sexual desire and this feeling that someone just turned off the switch "down there". And yet they call me, because they know that deep down, their own bodies tell them there is more for them to have. The fear and excitement in that initial outreach is palpable. This letter from a 60 year old woman tells the tale: "After years of disappointing sexual experiences (thanks to disowning what I now know were my own legitimate sensual/sexual/intimacy needs, at a very young age) there is still juiciness inside me, and the possibility of satisfying, even ecstatically transcendent sensuous sexual spiritual experience (by myself, and with a partner) for the rest of what I expect will be a very long life! So sending this email is my first big risk-taking reaching-for-the-moon of 2014 (maybe even scarier than jumping out of an airplane, running a marathon, and climbing 10 mountains when I was 40)."

During our first sessions, many of the women describe to me a feeling of stomach upset and resistance - as if their genitals are saying something to them like "Leave me alone! Go away! I don't want to wake up! Why are you doing this to me?"

The fear of "reunion pain" when a woman gets to not only make peace with her genitals but finds the capacity to meet her genitals again in pleasure feels terrifying.

There can be the fear of regret which can sound like this: "I can't believe how amazing it is to finally be in touch again with my sexuality" which dissolves into tears and the lament, "Why did I wait so long?" The fear of reunion pain is real, the struggle women are facing between their own resistance and their desires for reuniting with their bodies is extraordinary. It's almost as if years of sexual rejection from partners, or messages from society, have created a place in a woman's body where her own genitals are saying; "Fine, you didn't want me when I wanted to be wanted - so now I don't want you."

The good news is that women are breaking through this wall and finding out that their bodies were just as scared as their minds. Once we move past that initial terror of; "I can't, I'm stuck, Nothing works, I'm ugly, I'm old, My hormones are a mess and nobody wants me anymore" - pleasure can happen and that changes everything.

Do you recognize yourself here? I promise you, that you are not alone.

Here are some tips for gently easing yourself back into a healthy relationship with your own sexuality:

1. Dignify your own desires: Spend some time thinking about what it is you want in your own personal relationship to your body and sexuality. Get to know what you truly desire. Write it down. Speak it to somebody such as a close friend, partner, therapist or sexuality coach. Speaking your desires can be powerful and life changing.

2. Prioritize pleasure in your life. Create a "Pleasure Plan". Start to look at even the smallest moments of choice in your life as a possibility for pleasure. Do you want that salad because you think you should have it, or because eating it will give you pleasure? Notice the pleasure choices you are making. Making pleasure a conscious choice every time you are choosing something can change your experience of even the smallest decision.

3. Activate your ability to receive. The extent to which you are able to receive pleasure and kindness in your life has a direct influence on your ability to love and feel your body. Oftentimes women are great givers, but really don't know how to receive or take for themselves. Look at where you are pushing away pleasure, kindness and support. Try saying "Yes, I would." instead of, "I'm fine."

So many woman have put fences around their sexuality garden and they may have been put there for good reason. There may have been a feeling that this part of you needed protecting and just wanted everyone including your own self to keep out. But it's possible that you are hearing this tiny voice in your head that is urging you to do something about these fences for a very good reason.

You know deep inside that there are riches to explore, and you just don't know how to get started.

Listen to the little voice. 

If your sexuality is your garden, then your will is the gardener. You are not too late.

What to Do After Reading This Article:

Please take a moment to "Like it" "Share it" and give it a Tweet! And comments are always a pleasure!

Are you curious about Pamela's "Back to the Body Retreats For Women"? Check out the website here.

Do you want to know more about Pamela's journey back to her own sexuality and healing her body when she put her big toe into the mid-life? Read "Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner" (Rodale, 2011).





Hands on Sexuality Healing: An Absolutely, Indispensible Primer

If you read my book "Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner" you know that I'm a fan of "Hands on"  or Somatic (through the body) sexuality healing. It's also a great way to go deeper into your body and explore your sexuality in a safe way that is all about you.  Through working with a Certified Sexological Bodyworker, or a trained Sacred Intimate, you can safely explore your own body and work on everything from understanding your own erotic responses, to learning how to manage body and sexual shame. Frankly, the list of things that you can explore with hands on work is very extensive. Every day I speak with women who are exploring working with a "Somatic Sex Educator" and besides looking for help on finding their way, they want to know how to keep things safe, and get the most out of their sessions.

Here are four things that you can do to get the most our of your sessions and keep yourself safe! It's all about being able to speak our desires, setting boundaries, understanding consent and slowing down. The best sessions in the world happens when we take the time to understand and honor this foundation.

Think about the best sex you ever had.  Were you in a place of having your desires heard? Were your boundaries honored? Did you lover take the time to make sure that you were on board?  If we don't feel safe, we can't relax. And if we can't relax there is no arousal, blood flow, or the ability to surrender into pleasure.  Even though your Sexological Bodyworkers is not your lover, you are exploring sexuality with this trained professional. If we don't understand boundaries, consent, and how to slow things down so that we can really feel and understand what is happening for us in a session: disasters can happen.

So, here's an absolutely, indispensable primer on what you should understand in order to not only get the most out of your sessions, but keep yourself safe too!

Understanding and Setting Sexual Boundaries:

Sexual boundaries include boundaries about your body, who touches you intimately or how they will touch you.  Sexual boundaries can also include how you are willing to be spoken to when comments are sexual in nature.  So many of us are attached to this idea that every aspect of sex is "natural". And that our lovers should somehow know intuitively how far we are willing to go, and what we will enjoy.  We can go into a session with a trained Sexological Bodyworker the same way.

Now, your practitioner is well trained in boundaries. For example, in a Certified Sexological Bodywork session, the practitioner keeps his/her clothes on and the touch is one way which means that they touch your body - you do not touch their in an erotic way.  But have you thought about your boundaries before you go into a session?

Perhaps you are not ready to be completely naked your first time? Or you do not want internal work? Knowing this ahead of time and communicating clearly with your practitioner is very important. Have conversations with your practitioner about your boundaries and concerns.

And remember, boundaries can change and shift over time, so keeping an ongoing conversation going between you and your practitioner. I also highly recommend not shifting your boundary during a session! We can often change our minds about things when things heat up! But, later - we may have regrets. So notice during your session if you are wanting a boundary shift and discuss it with your practitioner.

I highly recommend waiting until your next session to move that boundary, and really making sure that you want to move it. Doing this with a clear head and not in the moment is essential!

Remember, that having this conversation about boundaries can create tremendous freedom in your sessions.  What I have found is that there is always such delicious space and room for exploration in boundaries, and having them set will truly set you free to explore and feel.

So please, take the time to get clear about what your sexual boundaries are, and speak them!  Once you both know the boundaries and consent to keeping them, you might find that you are freed up in a completely different way during your session. This will allow you to relax into the moment instead of worrying about what will happen next. It will reduce the need for you to be constantly on alert, and guarding yourself unconsciously during your session.

Understanding Consent:

Consent means that both people in a sexual encounter must agree to it, and either person may decide at any time that they no longer consent and want to stop the activity. This goes for professional sessions as well as in our own private sex lives! And remember, that just because you consent to one behavior does not mean that you may consent to any other behaviors. Consenting during one session to a particular kind of exploration does not mean that you consent or are you obligated to  consent on any other sessions. A good Sexological Body Worker will always ask about consent and check in with you during your sessions. You also need to check in with yourself! Do I consent to G Spot exploration? Do I consent to having my scar massaged or my breasts? Do you want it? It is your choice to consent or not. Remember your sessions are all about you!

Speaking Your Sexual Desire:

One of the most wonderful and transformational experiences that can come out of working with a trained hands on practitioner is learning how to speak your desires. Speaking what we want when it comes to our sexuality can be loaded with shame.  Practicing speaking what we want, and negotiating  our desires is key to a fabulous session as well as a delicious and empowered sex life! It's important to remember that even if we speak our desires not all of our desires can or will be met in a session or even in our private sex life. But learning how to communicate our needs and wants is an essential part of getting the most out of your sessions.

Slow Down:

So many times, people "gulp" their sessions. They want to feel it all, all at once! That's like going to a great big buffet and expecting to really be able to taste all the flavors and digest your meal in a healthy way. Often when we eat too fast, we end up with a belly ache. The best way to experience Sexological Bodywork or really any kind of hands on healing work is in a series of at least five sessions, that's why Back to The Body: A Sensuous Retreat For Womenis five days long. We want the women to have the opportunity to be able to slow way down in their sessions so that they can go deeper into their experiences and really take it all in. We also want to prevent belly aches! So if you think you are going slow in your sessions, consider going slower! How deeply can you feel?

Exploring the world of hands on sexual healing can feel cutting edge, but the fact is that it goes way back in time, and has often been called "Humanistic Sex Therapy".

Do you want to know more? Please contact me for a free consultation, and I will be happy to talk further about whether exploring this healing modality might be right for you.

Taking The Right For Female Pleasure, Desire And Self Love On The Road

I am learning that female self acceptance, self love, and sexual pleasure  really freak some people out. I will go as far as to say that women reaching for what turns them on frightens some people - and really makes others angry.  And we wonder why women still struggle with self image? No matter what you see in commercials or the movies - being a sexy woman even in the Untied States can also mean a willingness to take it on the chin - and to stand  up for your sexy desires. It takes a determination of spirit and guts to know that you want to live your best life - no matter what. I think that is why I love the women who are bringing Zestra to market so much, Mary Wallace Jaensch and Rachel Braun Scherl. These women have had to fight their way through a mountain of people saying "No" to let women know about a simple, topical, organic arousal gel. You see - female arousal made the marketers nervous....you mean women could actual reach for their own pleasure? What might happen if the news of that came out? You mean it is possible for women to increase their sexual pleasure? Will they still get home in time to cook dinner?

You can see why Zestra was the perfect choice to be the Shameless Book Tour Sponsor! Now - what is Zestra you might ask? In case you haven't heard, it's an all-natural female arousal enhancer that you can buy over the counter and according to this "researcher," it works.

But like you  - I didn't know about Zestra for a long time - which isn't easy given that I am not shy.  I will walk into any drug store, sex shop and workshop that even hints at bringing out my inner ‘sex goddess.' I will talk about it with anyone who'll listen to me about how sexual pleasure can make you a nicer person and even heal lifelong issues. As someone recently put it, I'm "the living embodiment of the power of pleasure to transform one's life."

I've become so comfortable and playful with my healthy sexual side, my son rolls his eyes at my constant double entendres.  "Is everything a sex joke with you, Mom?"

Not everything. In fact, I take it very seriously. I do write about sexuality pretty much every day. I even chronicled my path to uncorking my sexual desire in my about to be published memoir, "Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home In Time To Cook Dinner" .   And I hope that you are going to want to read all about my funny, crazy, sexy out of the box journey.

So how could I not know about Zestra, something this YAHOO? It's simple. It's what I started to talk about earlier in this post.  It's not that I am paranoid - but folks - there's a conspiracy to keep a lid on women's sexual arousal and the truth about the ‘va-jayjay." I would use the anatomically correct "vagina" but there's ample evidence that that's a big no-no too. Let me explain.

I stumbled upon the little sample packet of Zestra buried in a goody bag freebie at a sex educator event, I was blown away. A little dab will do ya. Really. The magic topical potion had me giggling and craving my husband so badly that I was shouting for him to hurry up and get into bed. Just so you know, this doesn't happen every day.

But it could. That got me excited. Semprae Laboratories, the little pharma that I let into my panties, found the right blend of botanical oils that made me lie down and take notice. I blogged it all. Even though I never believed in drug-enhanced pleasure, I was wiling to make the Zestra exception.

I used my second packet to see if I could get that Zestra "rush" when it was just me and my vibrator. Oh yeah, baby. There were sensations that even intrepid me didn't know were possible.

Of course, being a well-mannered midlife sex goddess, I wanted to write a thank you note and post it on Zestra's FaceBook page (yes, I friended them). That's when I found out about the "controversy."

It seems that female arousal and anatomy is just too icky for major and even minor media to take perfectly good money for Zestra ads. Aren't we in a downturn? Why would anyone say no to ad revenue for something that actually puts a smile on people's faces without weight gain?

Oh, here comes that scary vagina again. We don't want that to get too excited. Who knows what might happen? In fact, CBSnews.com recently censored an article by Lissa Rankin, MD, a renowned Bay Area Ob-Gyn and author of What's Up Down There when she wrote a piece called "15 Curious Things You May Not Know About The Vagina." Apparently the 16th curious thing is that the vagina musn't have too much face time. The article was taken down within an hour.

The irony, of course, was that she was invited to write about the vagina after CBSnews.com had a blockbuster piece called "SPERM: 15 Crazy Things You Should Know." That's still up. Maybe with a little help from the little blue pill.

So what does this say to women? Not much that's useful and a lot that's confusing. We're jammed with messages that exhort us to be sexy but discourage us from being comfortable with our bodies. Heck, most of us can't even name our parts. How can we wake up to the power of pleasure when we're intentionally kept in the dark? This shouldn't have to be so hard.

So - I am taking Zestra with me on my 24 City  Shameless Book Tour - Of course I am.  How could I not? If the big ad networks are frightened to let you know about something that might increase your pleasure - well - I'm not. In fact if you come out to one of my readings, seminars or workshops - I will personally hand you a Zestra Sample!Or if you don't want to wait that long - jack into their website site - and you can get a SHAMELESS Discount in honor of the publication of my memoir! How is that for us women sticking together? Simply click on the Zestra Banner on my blog and put in the code featured there! You will get $5.00 bucks the 12 pack.

There is a double standard when it comes to women and pleasure. How about you join the fight to stop the double-standard in advertising? Madison Avenue has been using the vagina as a unspoken marketing tool for generations. How about they finally learn to say the name and, to quote Bob Dylan, "Get out of the road if you can't lend a hand."

The Divine Temple of Sensuous Bliss: The Massage Table

Yesterday I went to a breakfast sponsored by Zestra which is a woman's arousal gel that I have written about before. They had all of these sexperts at the breakfast there to talk to us writers, bloggers and reporters about female arousal, sexuality, desire and orgasm. I love that - so I went. During a presentation - one of the sexperts quoted a survey that stated when women were given the choice between sex and a massage - they picked the massage! The study results got the desired response - everyone laughed and groaned. But not me. First of all - I hated the question - I mean why do we have to pick between two incredibly pleasurable activities - and then have the answer be used as a  commentary? But I knew why the study was done - and I knew the answer before it was given that  women would pick the massage over sex - and that the  sexperts were using that answer to show the sorry state of female sexuality. But really - no disrespect intended here - neither the survey makers or the sexperts really got it.  But I did. I don't mean to be bratty here - but I simply didn't draw the same conclusions.

I understood why the women picked massage as their first choice - and it had nothing to do at all with the sorry state of female sexuality.  The answer was all about  being sex positive - not sex negative! We just have to be willing to open up our  minds a little bit about what constitutes a sensuous and satisfying embodied activity! What was missing from the understanding of the survey makers - and perhaps even from the sexperts who used this study as an example of women not wanting sex -  was that massage - even traditional massage - is a very sensuous and pleasurable activity that allows us to feel touch for a very extended amount of time without doing anything back!  The most traditional of massage experiences allows women to go  deeply into their bodies  - and receive  sensuous pleasure - that is all about them!

Most women don't get the opportunity to do this. To simply - get naked,  lie on a table and allow someone to touch them in a non erotic - yet sensuous safe way that gives pleasure for an extended amount of time. It is positively delicious - and for many women - this experience is  not as available as traditional sex.  So of course they picked massage over sex in the ill conceived  survey.  Women are not stupid!

It was a funny coincidence - but yesterday I also received an incredible massage  and I was again reminded of the spectacular  healing and delicious pleasure  that can happen on the massage table.  Yes - pleasure - pure and simple. Healing pleasure. And in my mind - in my experience - pleasure is not only healing - it is  transformational.

It had been a long time since I had climbed aboard a massage table and simply - magnificently - divinely - received one way healing touch. Oh - I have made lots of reasons why I haven't gone. There is the money - the time - and the fact that every once in a while - even I - the great SHAMELESS wonder has moments of body shame. So I deny myself what I know to be one of the most healing, restorative, regenerative , and pleasurable activities that I can think of - and that is receiving a massage.

But John Ellsworth, an old friend and one of the most talented massage therapists I know - offered me a massage as an early birthday present. I almost didn't go - after all - I am a very busy lady! I have so much to do! There are families to build in my fertility work, blogs to write and a book to promote! There are dinners to cook - and an apartment to clean! I could go all day and not finish all of the things that I need to do. But I stopped - and I went after work - and it was such an important reminder that receiving massage is one of the most important things that I can make time for to keep myself ticking.

I know that there can be  a lot of discomfort in recognizing and having a massage - something that we pay for - as something other than a therapeutic activity that we engage in because we have a bad back - or a pulled shoulder - or as a way for us to keep our muscles in shape as athletes.  Not many people are willing to say that they embrace massage as a way to give themselves pleasure. We are a pleasure denied society - that talks about pleasure a lot - and then puts a lot of taboos around it.  And anything that has nudity, touch and possibly money involved in it  - we have to put lots and lots of boundaries around - so that other  people will know that we are engaging in the activity for "medical purposes".

We don't want anyone to think - that possibly we are doing this for pleasure's sake only!

So let me help out on this one.  Pleasure is important. Pleasure can change your life. Sensuous pleasure is healing and feels great! Traditional non-erotic  massage is an incredible tool for getting reconnected with the power of pleasure that we can all have in our own bodies - and yes  - if it helps you justify the experience - it is healing!  And we don't have to do anything to receive this but show up and climb on the table.

I left John's studio feeling transformed after 90 minutes of pure pleasure that didn't involve sex  - but was just as delicious.

Thank you John for the reminder - and the women in the study were no dummies!

My Shameless Raw Need

Sometimes - my need for touch and holding is so big that I can feel myself begin to go looking for all kinds of trouble to get into in my life - instead of getting what I really need. It's kind of like that Pink song when she sings about losing her husband so she decides that in order to feel better - "I think I am gonna start a fight!" It's not always so easy to get my needs met. And it has taken me a long time to understand these feelings - and I write about all of it in my memoir - SHAMELESS. Yet it all remains so interesting to me -  how I have learned to recognize my various types of hunger - and know that it has nothing to do with a bag of chips. I am not talking about traditional sex here. I know that is what everyone goes to - oh that Pamela - she really just needs a good you know what! But I hate to disappoint - that's not what I am wanting right now. I mean it could be - but it's not what I need right now.

Sometimes what I need - truly hunger for - is to be touched and held without any agenda at all. Most women - most people don't have any idea what I am talking about. I am talking about having someone hold you - and touch you without their needs being imposed onto your needs. Letting the time together be just about the receiver without having to meet the needs of the giver.  Most of us are only touched when there is need on behalf of the giver....and we receive their need - and then get ignited to dance with with them. In fact that is the traditional model of female sexuality. We are the receivers of need - and learn to take our pleasure that way.

Well - that's not what I am needing right now. Right now - I am needing something completely different.

Has Your Lover Pushed The Sexual Snooze Button? Maybe She is Bored!

So, one of my mentors - Joseph Kramer, PhD told me to go read this column by this very famous sex columnist Dan Savage (I am a huge fan - by the way!) -  here is the link to the column in question. In this particular column  - that somehow I had missed, Dan is  talking about this book called "I'd Rather Eat Chocolate: Learning to Love my Low Libido" By Joan Sewell. Apparently according to Sewell - woman naturally have lower libidos - and would rather eat chocolate or at least lots and lots of chips and pizza, than have sex! Look - I like my carbs as much as the next girl  and I have used food - over and over again to fill the empty places inside of me that I just couldn't name. Okay -  lets be real here - I have used food for just about everything! But I am not so sure about this premise - and I have to be honest  - I have also not read Mss Sevell's book - just Savage's column.

And what got me is how Dan - who I love - was being so hostile in this particular column towards women! He was full of forget about it boys - she just isn't into it and it doesn't matter what you do. Dan Savage went into this long rant about the  "if onlys". He said something like - well gentlemen you can forget about all the "if' onlys".

"If only I helped her with the dishes she would have had sex"

"If only she wasn't so tired"

If only I came home from work early to have a romantic dinner"

Dan basically said great-now we know the truth about women - now us men can give it all up and stop trying so hard because she isn't going to fuck us anyway!

So his advice for the men in America? Go drink your beers - play your video games - and fart. And his advice to woman? Put up or shut up when your man goes else where!

This particular column is really a dis-service to all of us.

I am getting really tired of all of this women don't like sex stuff. Not the woman that I know! What I do know is that women get bored. If you are snoozing and serving up the same old thing....night after night....she might choose to open another candy bar and put that in her mouth rather than you! Don't tell me that sitting  with a lap top buzzing is a turn on. It's not. Why not grab her while she is walking by your easy chair and throw her over your lap for a sensuous tickle? See if that doesn't wake her up? Do something different! Savage makes fun of sex play toys...such as chocolate frosting for the body - he says it is not dignified for parts of the male anatomy. I wonder if most men's anatomy would care about it's dignity with a happy tongue playfully washing off the sprinkles?

I believe that we are a nation of sexual paradoxes. We crave sex and think about it constantly - but we are also sexually asleep. We are sexually out of shape! Perhaps we need sexual trainers! Just like gym trainers! And they do exist! Just read my blog - but this needs to go main stream. Just like many people need a trainer to exercise - some may need a sexual trainer to help them wake up their libidos!

When I listen to doctors talk about low sexual urges - I go back to my metaphor of  sleeping beauty. If we are bored and not engaged  - we fall asleep. If we are encouraged to wake up and engage - we will dance with the prince! Or ourselves! Look, it's not just the man's job for wake us up. We have to wake ourselves up. That is really the truth. But this nonsense that the truth of it all is that us women are just are born to like sex less - is a myth worth busting.