Female Sexual Desire

Will I Be Safe? Exploring Hands on Sexual Healing

I talk to literally hundreds of women that are exploring cutting edge humanistic sex therapy, somatic sex education or more simply stated - hands on sexual healing and exploration. The number one question is "Will I be safe?". That's the most complicated question to answer, because there isn't a straight forward response! What does being safe mean to you? Of course you will not be harmed in any kind of physical or emotional way. That is the hope whenever we see a professional holistic practitioner that we trust with our care. But safe? A part of me wants to answer..."Of course not! And isn't that the point?" Is that why you are truly showing up? Or are you showing up to push your boundaries and comfort zones? To feel things that you have only read about in books? To explore and heal places that perhaps you could not get to through pills, shakes, and Dr. Oz?

Going deeper into your body and mind can be really challenging. Sometimes, it can really make you feel uncomfortable because you are touching all kinds of new and old feelings. So, no, you will not be safe from any of that. Sometimes, you may feel like you want to run away. That is a challenge any time that we want more in our lives. It's about digging in, and getting terribly real with ourselves. That's what hands on therapy provides.

It's an opportunity to explore your sexuality, desires, and body image in a way that is all about you.

Step-by-stiletto step, it can feel exciting, eye opening, earnest, pleasure filled, and magical. On your journey you will be flipping the switch on your erotic engine in ways that you never thought was possible. That’s the powerhouse motor fueled by sexual energy that propels every aspect of a woman’s life--sexual pleasure, relationships (from mother-daughter to lover to her own body), education and even success in business.

Safe? Will I be safe?

Well, it all starts with you. Your body. Your humble vagina and your precious pelvis. Every woman’s got one. The problem is it’s only the rare woman who knows how to access and use its magic powers for self-transformation.

That's what hands on, somatic practice is offering. An opportunity to explore this place in yourself and learn how. The goal is to power up, rediscover or perhaps to find for the first time that hotbed of energy and harness it to unleash each woman’s full potential.

Do you want to feel integrated, powerful, sensuous and seen? Do you want to look at your sexuality through a different lens then you ever have before? What if sex is not just there for attracting men, orgasms or making babies? And what if you could have all that and the secret sauce too if you wanted it?

Naomi Wolf has taken on the subject of the vagina-heart-brain circuit in her inevitably controversial treatise and NY Times bestseller, “Vagina: A New Biography.” Though it’s met wild adulation and bitter criticism, the message is compelling. When the circuit, a dopamine-oxytocin-opiate loop in physiological terms, is intact and uninterrupted, women are in a state of genuine well-being: capable, confident and sexy. When that loop is disrupted, severed, shamed or abused women numb out. They get depressed, anxious, have low libido and dare I say it, suffer “hysteria.” While Wolf’s analysis may be bitterly contested by some, her understanding and defense of the genital-brain connection is one that we've studied and established empirically.

What she didn’t explain in any great detail is how to acknowledge and complete that circuit so that we women are steadily charged, activated, open to and ready for life. That’s what this is all about.

Will you be safe? Is perhaps forever changed safe?

Yes....you will be safe in the deepest sense of the world. And you will also be busted open, and alive like you have never been in your entire life.

Do you want to know more? Contact me for a free "Curious Critter" session. Just send an email to Pamela@beingshameless.com and put "Curious Critter" in the subject line!

When Self-Loathing Comes a Knocking....

Most of us want to feel hot and sexy. We want earth-shattering orgasms - and to feel like those women look in those damn magazines sipping a Margarita with smoky eyes who are about to have the most incredible sex in the universe. Right? Maybe? Who knows - but I hate them. Seeing those images can make me feel confronted with what I am not and leaves me with this feeling that I am not enough. More than that - it is this feeling that I will never have in my life what I truly want because I just don't look like that.

And what is it that I want - you may ask? It's a simple thing really....I want to be deeply desired, and feel free in my body. I want to be able to know that I am sexy from the inside out and truly believe it - all the time! I want to be able to walk around naked and not worry about my ass shaking in a bad way! And don't give me platitudes.  I know them so well I could sing along.

I want to get so lost in my own wanton sexiness that orgasms flow from me like a water fall.  I don't want much - I just want to dance in my own inner sexy wildness! Is that asking for so much?

Lately, as I prepare to go on the first of many healing retreats, I have really been confronted with my own self loathing. It is shocking that I can still go to those places of calling myself names. After all, this true confession is being spoken by a woman who has professed to the world that I have conquered body shame and self acceptance by embracing my sexual pleasure. Am I a fraud - or am I simply real and honest? The fact is - that I have healed so much of the damage that I have walked around with for most of my life when it comes to my body image and my sexuality - but everyday as my feet touch the ground - it takes a little bit of courage to love myself just as I am. And that is the truth - to say anything else would be to over promise healing - like those 30 day miracle diets on television.

Several months ago in Wallstreet Journal there is a great article, Conquering Fear which is all about those nasty little voices in our heads that tell us that we are not enough - that we are fat and stupid. That our bodies are ugly - and that our boss hates us.

My book Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner (Rodale January 2011) is all about my funny, sexy, unconventional path to falling in love with myself again in the most unbelievable way.... And I did.

But  every now and then I get tweaked in an unexpected way. There are a few new videos that have been posted of me on You Tube from a conference that I recently spoke at - and frankly they make me cringe. I hope you enjoy them.  They make me cringe.

Every time I watch them - I get taken out of how I was "feeling" when I made those videos and I get stuck in how I believe I look. I hate my neck. My face is too round. I have a double chin in that angle. How did they shoot that angle? And I stop feeling sexy. Instead I get filled with self doubt - and worry. You see - I am a real woman. Isn't that reassuring? I am not going to give you pleasure platitudes and tell you that if you do this or that - all of your inner fears will go away completely. They don't. But it can get better.

This is what I can promise. If you work on embracing who you are - every single day just like a religious practice - things will change in your world.

In so many ways - it is like developing a healthy eating and exercising plan. There is a lot of self talk, and self encouragement that needs to happen. I have to do it too - even now.  Especially now! The voices of fear that tell us that we are not enough - or are broken in some way - don't ever really go completely away.

I hope that by showing up and being honest about how I feel and how I move through all of the hatefulness that I can throw at myself will inspire you to do it too. The fact is that most of the time these days - I feel smoking! I have a swagger to my step - and kick to my heels. I dress like a diva with a wink! And I still feel bad about my neck a lot.  You see - I still  have really big moments of self loathing. It's all a part of the process.....

Self loving is a practice. Let's practice together.


Is Having a Rich Sex Life an Indulgence?

Is having children an indulgence? How about eating healthy food or creating time to exercise? I don't think so....nor do I think that having a healthy, explored and delicious sexuality is an indulgence either. In fact I think that these things can be essential to living a full life. When people want to attack me for speaking out for women (and men) to take the time to really explore who they are as a sexual beings within their own boundaries - their very favorite thing to say is that I am being self indulgent and encouraging other people to do the same!

About 24 years ago - I began to speak out for people who were going through infertility. The funny thing is - that back then (and even still today), I ran up against people who told me that couples who were trying to build their families through Assisted Reproductive Technologies (ART) such as IVF, Egg Donation, or Surrogacy were selfish, narcissus and self-indulgent. Why didn't they "just adopt" or sponsor children in other countries - they wanted to know!

There was a tremendous amount of shaming of people going through infertility treatment and self righteous judgment. Frankly - this still goes on today. Of course - back then and today as well - there are people that "get it" - and support family building tremendously - but there are always the few loud mouths who feel that they really know best! And they want to protect you from the evils that they know will come you way if you continue to travel down your misguided path.

Now that I have expanded my advocacy to include sexual wholeness for people and am sharing my own personal story through my memoir Shameless, I am encountering the very same phenomenon. There is a huge group of supporters from Dr. Christiane Northrup to everyday women who are going through the same self-loathing and sexual confusion that I went through (and are taking courage in my story) and there are the people who are attempting to shame me for my self exploration. That my desires to try and understand who I was as a sexual being was self indulgent and my sharing of it shameful.

Back in the day when I experienced infertility - I broke down barriers for people who were too ashamed of their infertility to seek help or speak to others. Now - I am surprised to find myself exactly in the same waters, but this time around sexuality.

It's shocking after a half century or so of "the sexual revolution", that healthy integrated sexuality is still taboo - even terrifying to some. But I trust just like I have before - that the day will come when women will be truly free of shame around their sexuality.

More! More! What Happens When We Light the Fire on Sexual Desire!

"If you don't use it...you lose it". Have you ever heard that phrase? How about "The more you get - the more you want?" Have you noticed that the word "insatiable" goes so well with the word "desire"? Almost like peanut butter and jelly! I am starting to feel like sex can be like Chinese food  - you can have a delicious meal -and twenty minutes later you are hungry.

Okay...so maybe I am exaggerating just a little, but I do think that if you do not stir the pot of your sexual being - you can become dormant - like a hibernating bear. And when you wake up and begin to feed yourself you can find that your hunger is extraordinary. And that hunger can be quite unsettling. How do we manage our hunger?

So many of us are like Sleeping Beauty. We are resting - but what happens when Beauty wakes up and the Prince is snoring? Or if there is no Prince? How does Beauty feed herself?

I have been steeped in desire lately, so many people have been writing to me about their desires since I launched "Being Shameless". It has been amazing.  There is a lovely woman who goes by "Jessica".  Jessica is in her forties, a single mother by choice, and she runs her own business.  She is not untypical of women today. Jessica wrote to tell me that about a year ago  she began to work with  a Certified Sexological Bodyworker. And guess what happened? Her inner "Sleeping Beauty" woke up! WoooHoooo! Fantastic!! Right?

Well the truth is that  feeling our newly found sexual awakening can sometimes be uncomfortable!

I love exploring desire.  What we desire - how desire looks for us and how we reach for our desires. Jessica really touched me in her note -

"Speaking of desire I have a subject that I hope to get feedback about. I have a terrible time focusing on the requirements of my daily life. Since I started to work with a Sexological Body Worker  8 months ago - I have become so focused on sex! I have a business to run, friends, kids, parents, etc...

I crave all that goes with this quest. Following this blog - hoping to read your book soon , reading, watching videos, having more experiences, learning, all seem to tug at me when I really should be working or doing the more routine, and often less fulfilling parts of my life. I don't feel comfortable sharing much of this with anyone in my immediate circle, which is obviously a problem I have to work on. I desire comfort in this new found joy. I'm unsettled. Like I'm waiting for something. It's hard to sit with the pleasure and happiness I experience in increasing amounts as I learn and incorporate more of the eroticism and deep excitement I often feel. Maybe that's it. Too much excitement for everyday pursuits.

How do other people deal with this? What do you do with an inability to satisfy yourself, in a complete, overall way? It seems like no matter what I experience I still have insatiable desire for more".

Jessica, I feel your pain! I totally get it. but what I have found is that it comes in waves - this desire...this insatiable need for more. I liken it to survivors of famine who for a while after they are rescued hoard food....or cannot stop eating.

Honey - so many of us are  starving and we simply don't know it. And once we  finally start eating again - the food can taste so sweet. It can feel like our bodies just cannot get enough in the beginning because we went too long without feeding it. My suggestion is to notice your hunger. I am noticing mine simply by talking about this subject!

And here is the biggie - You  can feed yourself. Perhaps you need a little more right now.  That's okay - let your body have it. Reassure your body that you will not take this away from yourself ever again - pleasure is IS available. If you can afford it - have a few extra sessions. Indulge yourself a bit and look for new ways to feed yourself.

Feeding yourself can be buying long black stockings and wearing them just for yourself!  I have begun to buy beautiful bath products. I am addicted at the moment to LUSH.  I give myself special long sexy baths. I acknowledge and feed my desire in different ways.  Sometimes - I journal my desire or reach out and connect with others....all the things that you are doing. Perhaps it may be time for a get away workshop?

The best solution is exactly what you are doing - own your desire and feed it. That is my only solution and if you feed yourself in a way that reassures your body - your mind will be much more free to do what you need to do.  Remember that noticing your desire is different than judging your desire. Please try not to judge it.  Don't  "decide" that it is too much.  Another way of looking at your increasing desire is to view it as an indicator of your vitality!

I believe that once our bodies learn that we will never go to sleep on ourselves again, that we will become less agitated and over time, that we will become more fulfilled.  For now, eat freely and eat often!  I am so glad that you woke up Jessica!

Wanting more isn't always comfortable. But isn't it so much better than being asleep?