Erections

Four Hard Tips on Loving a Soft Penis

When men outreach to me; it's usually about their fears around having and sustaining erections. Men just like women worry about being enough and getting it on. And in our culture, it's all about penetrative sex (intercourse), big hard cocks, and staying power. But what if it's not? What if we allowed men to feel their bodies in different ways and as a result get to experience sex in the full spectrum of intimacy and pleasure? A hard penis is not everything when it comes to making love. It's simply  not all there is.

Going "Beyond Hard" Tips: 1. The number one myth of a soft cock is that the man is not feeling desire. This is simply not true. There are many reasons why a man has a soft cock before or during sexual activity that has nothing to do with his desire for you. So please do not take a soft cock as an indicator that your lover doesn't want you. It's sad that in our society we have been trained to believe that the signal of desire in a man is erection. Dump that myth.

2. Soft cocks can feel pleasure and can have orgasms. Many people ignore the soft cock. If he can't get it up, he can't have sex or orgasms.  Nonsense. The issue is that we have taught men that they are broken if they cannot get hard. So we shame them, and they withdraw. Men can experience pleasure, desire and orgasm with a soft penis. Some of the best masculine lovers I know do not have hard cocks. It's time to offer the soft cock the same appreciation that the hard cock can receive. Touch them, love them, and admire soft cocks - just like you would like to be desired, loved and admired. What if we allowed men to really feel the pleasure and intimacy of sharing a soft penis with their lover shamelessly?

3. Men are always expected to be "penetrative" not "receptive" when it comes to sex. In other words; their job is to be the "taker" and the "giver". He is the one who enters. During intercourse the penis may soften and along with that (if it is allowed and not shamed)  a man's heart may soften too. He may become more vulnerable with his lover and more open. The emphasis may shift in intercourse into a feeling that is perhaps more subtle and deeply intimate. If allowed, and not withdrawn it's possible for sexual energy to spread throughout the man's body and a feeling of connectedness may occur when he stops focusing on penetrating and simply floats in feeling and uniting with his lover's body.  What if everybody stopped performing sex and moved into feeling sex? As a sex educator, I spend a lot of time talking about women connecting their hearts to their vagina. What if men got to connect their cocks to their hearts too?

4.  When men are permission-ed to experience sexuality from a place of softness it's actually possible for them to experience what it's like to be penetrated by his partner energetically or with his partner's hands, or body to body. This is known as energetic sex and can be felt in the body of lovers as almost a meditative state of bliss. The love neurotransmitter Oxytocin can begin to flow between partners and lovers can experience a much deeper heart connection with less thrusting and movement. Think about bringing the focus to soft movements, breath, eye gazing, and body to body connection. How much can you feel everywhere?

Men who have lived their lives with erections and have depended on the "Hard On" to get it on, need to learn other ways of having penetrative sex. We can penetrate our lovers in so many ways; we just have to learn how. We simply don't teach men how to have penetrative sex without a hard on - and it can be amazing for the receiver to have something different than the usual offerings.

Men with soft cocks can learn how to "take" their partner just like a man with a hard cock. And there are opportunities to learn all kinds of ways to be the best lover you have ever been. Losing your ability to get a hard on or sustain one for a long period of time, might actually be a gift to your partner if you both can see it as an opportunity to learn what is available in the spectrum of sexuality and love making. Just getting hard and screwing can get pretty dull.

Sometimes, it takes what can feel initially like a loss to create an orgasmic opportunity!

Finding Your Organic Orgasm: Exploring Erotic Trance States

We've all experienced various types of trance - perhaps a meditative trance or an exercise trance. Erotic trance is no different. Erotic trance is the state where you are so aware of your erotic energy that everything else fades away. The noisy mind is quiet and your only focus is on what you're feeling. There's no magic to accessing erotic trance, but it does take some practice.
I invite you to participate with me during this tutorial. We learn things by doing - not by reading about it or watching someone else do it. While I'll be offering examples and demonstrations, the best way for you to learn is to experience it for yourself.
Please set aside some time for the exercises I'll be showing you. Make a date with yourself. Put it on your calendar. Ensure that you won't be disturbed. There's just no substitute for experiencing this for yourself. Imagine reading a text that describes what an orgasm feels like. This isn't the same as experiencing one This is best if it's a hands on experience.
Breathe
The key to erotic trance is a conscious focus on the breath. Most people when experiencing increased erotic energy, tend to hold the breath and tense the muscles. These actions keep the erotic energy from circulating throughout the body. This first exercise is intended to help you focus on your breath and also to slow down. This is a self pleasure or masturbation homework assignment.
Assignment
Plan on a time when you can be alone and undisturbed. You may want to turn your telephone off. Find a comfortable place where you can relax. Throughout these exercises I strongly recommend that you have a mirror close by where you can observe your body.
Position the mirror where you can see your face and most of your body. Create an atmosphere that is comforting for you. This may include candles, music, items of personal significance, or erotic toys. Use whatever works for you.
Begin the exercise by closing your eyes and checking in with your body. Note any areas that are tight or relaxed. Try not to judge your feelings - just note them. Scan your body from the top of your head to the tips of your toes.
As you're doing this check-in open your mouth and take nice deep slow breaths. Make some noise with your breath. Keep the effort only on the inhale. Let the exhale fall; there's no need to push the exhale out.
As you're breathing be aware of your genitals. There's no need to touch them yet - just be aware that they exist. Be aware of the muscles in your pelvis. See if you can relax these muscles on the inhale. This is easier if you breathe into your belly rather than your chest.
Movement
Movement helps to not only wake up the body but it also helps us move erotic energy throughout the body. There are many ways to move the body. Some of us like to run. Others like to stretch. Some may prefer yoga. I encourage you to develop a movement routine that works for you and your body.
Assignment
This exercise is focused on movement around erotic energy. Begin by planning on a time when you can be alone and undisturbed. You may want to turn your telephone off. Find a comfortable place where you can relax.
Create an atmosphere that is comforting for you. Find a place where you can freely move around. Lay down and extend your arms and legs to make sure you have enough room. Begin the exercise by closing your eyes and checking in with your body. Note any areas that are tight or that are relaxed. Try not to judge you feelings – just note them. Scan your body from the top of your head to the tips of your toes.
Begin by breathing just as in the prior exercise. Each exercise build on the previous ones, so don’t forget to breathe Begin by making yourself comfortable on the floor. Then stretch your arms and then your legs. Be sure to also include your hands and fingers. Start with slow deliberate movement. The intention is to wake up the body.
The particular stretching technique you use isn’t that important for this. The important thing here is to move the body, so do whatever is comfortable for you. As you feel your body warm up you may also want to include some aerobic activity. Jump. Run in place. Kick your legs. Sweat is good Just remember that this is a prelude to self pleasure, so there’s no need to exhaust yourself.
Include your genitals and breasts in the movement. Wake up your genitals. Rotate your hips. and allow them to rock. Feel free to include some touch. Don’t focus on generating lots of erotic energy, but begin with some light touch and movement. Wake up your body and prepare for new levels of pleasure.
Reverse Genital Hole
Infants are naturally curious about their bodies. Babies touch themselves everywhere they can. As infants we learn that touch to our genitals is pleasurable. However, this natural exploration is usually discouraged. We quickly learn that genital touch is something to be ashamed of. As we grow older most of us are torn between the pleasurable feelings of self touch and the guilt imposed by our culture.
This causes us to develop guilt and shame around self touch. We enjoy touching ourselves because it feels good. However, others clearly disapprove of such touch. This causes continual mental conflict over self touch. As a result many men and women develop what has been called the ‘genital hole.’ We become conditioned to ignore the feelings and sensations in our genitals. Some of us become numb.
For many of us when we begin self touch our attention focuses entirely on our genitals. We ignore the rest of our body. It’s as if we live in two worlds: no genitals and only genitals. I believe that it’s important to engage the entire body when masturbating.
Assignment
For this exercise find a comfortable spot and plan on a time when you can be alone and undisturbed. You may want to turn your telephone off. Position your mirror where you can see your face and most of your body. Create an atmosphere that is comforting for you. This may include candles, music, items of personal significance, or erotic toys. Use whatever works for you.
Begin the exercise by closing your eyes and checking in with your body. Note any areas that are tight or relaxed. Try not to judge your feelings – just note them. Scan your body from the top of your head to the tips of your toes.
Create an intention to erotically touch all of your body. Begin with the top of your head.
Include your face and ears. Slowly caress your arms. Feel the sensation of your touch on the hairs of your skin. Caress your hands. Move to your chest. Play with your nipples! Spend time loving your breasts. Include your belly with your touch. Most of us ignore our bellies – some of us are ashamed of this part of our body. Make love to your belly.
Include erotic touch of your genitals. Use slow deliberate touch. Explore your inner and outer labia. Allow yourself to gently play with all kinds of touch around your clitoris and then move deep back around your vagina and your perineum. Caress the tender places on the inside of your legs. Include your feet and toes.
Erotically wake up your entire body. Yes, your genitals can create lots of erotic energy. But so can the rest of your body.
 Working with our Male Partners on Expanding Pleasure and Experiencing Erotic Trance
Most of us learned to masturbate when we were much younger. At this time in our lives we learned that we needed to hide our pleasure from others – like parents or siblings. This required us to be very efficient about masturbation. We learned to be quick and quiet. For some of us this habit carried into adulthood. We needed to be quick and quiet to hide our masturbation from roommates, partners or spouses. This results in a lifetime of quick hidden masturbation.
For men, this habit conditioned our bodies to ejaculate quickly.
Assignment
The focus of this exercise is to recondition our bodies with our partners. This is about learning to build pleasure. It’s not about ‘controlling ’male ejaculation. You may find that you and your partner need a lot of practice with this exercise. That’s okay, reconditioning takes time. And it's fun!
This exercise is about learning how to build excitement and enjoyment of pleasure without climax. This is a one way touch exercise - where you will be trading with your partner on giving and receiving touch. I recommend doing this on different nights. Ladies - start by giving your man a full body massage and then moving to the genitals. When touching your man's genitals - the key to building pleasure is to vary the pace and the strokes. Most of us are used to doing the ‘piston’ stroke – the usual up down stroke with a fist. I recommend that you vary the pace. Try using a ‘backhand’ stroke – reversing your hand as you stroke you man. You may want to switch hands. Include some light pulling and tugging of his balls. Include touching his perineum.
This exercise is focused on the distinction between excitement and enjoyment. All pleasure involves two polar opposites: “interest-excitement” and “enjoyment-joy.” Interest - Excitement is felt in the body as an increase in neurological firings. Excitement is that phase
where our erotic energy is increasing, progressing upwards on a curve leading towards orgasm and ejaculation. Our energies are focused on increasing the level of sexual energy.
Enjoyment-Joy is felt in the body as a decrease in neurological firings. Enjoyment is focused on simply experiencing the pleasurable feelings. The focus here isn’t on increasing the erotic energy as much as it is focused on experiencing that energy.
A complete pleasure cycle usually involves the build up of excitement followed by a period of enjoyment. Most of us are better are experiencing excitement than experiencing enjoyment. One of the ways of getting into an erotic trance state is to alternate consciously between excitement and enjoyment.
Talk to your partner. Ask him to tell you when he is getting close to the place where he feesl somewhat close to orgasm, when he shares that - then back off on your strokes. Stop building excitement. Instead, spend some time focusing on the pleasurable sensations in his body. Encourage him to enjoy the feelings. Move to rubbing his breasts and nipples...kiss his belly and allow him to float in the session.
You may want to help him to scan body similar to what we did during the breathing exercise earlier. Ask him to scan his body from head to toe and become aware of what he notices. Encourage him to enjoy the waves of pleasure that he may be experiencing. When you feel ready to increase the erotic excitement, feel free to resume generating erotic energy. Freely switch back and forth between the two modes.
Spend time enjoying and savoring Don't get hung up on erections. Erections come and go - it's a natural cycle. Don't focus on making sure that your man is maintaining his erection; rather, focus on the pleasure and note the distinction in feelings between touching him with an erection and without.
This exercise can simply be reverse for you as the woman receiving touch Do him first so he gets the idea You can also use this exercise as a self pleasuring exercise - you do not need a partner to experience all of the things that I have talked about in the exercise.
Enjoy and savor Looking forward to hearing your thoughts.
Pamela