Sometimes I amuse myself simply by observing my own struggles. My emotions can be like the weather in San Francisco...if you wait five minutes it will change. Do you ever going around in circles or patterns of behavior? What is up with that? My life is full of so many new and exciting people, opportunities - and new experiences! And yet even as I watch myself touch all of these new places - I am also observing myself going back to some not so pretty places that I thought that I have moved away from. Do you ever do that?
I often do not see myself actually moving into these darker place - sometimes they just kind of happen! But I do recognize the feelings that occur in my body as I arrive into these old places again. I notice the feelings of dis-satisfaction - the wanting - the needing of the affirmation of the other. Why isn’t this person loving? Why doesn’t that person ever sound welcoming? What is it about me? What am I doing wrong? I feel the pain body begin to move inside of me....and the stories begin to build.
And then it happens - this new part of me that has arisen through these last few years. I realize that I am conscious of what I am doing. I can stop the madness. I allow myself to feel whatever it is that I was feeling. I take a big clearing breath - and I uncurl my fingers - unclench my stomach.
I put down the spoon that I was either going to use to feed myself or stir the pot. Nice spoon. I really don’t need you right now - but thank you for being ever ready to assist me!
So how about you? Shake any spoons late? Stir any pots that don't really need stirring?