Reclaiming My Surrender

I have been working with aspects of my own relationship with surrender for ten years now. When I finally was able to let go of my shame around my own erotic desires it sent me down a path of healing and transformation that shifted every part of my life. But that is not what this blog is about. Recently, a very powerful Dominance and submission (D/s) relationship ended abruptly for me. The man who I expressed my surrender to no longer was interested in me that way. It came as a powerful shock to my heart. I had no idea what I was suppose to do with all of this grief, and my desires around some of the ways that I express my relationship with surrender.  The relationship was filled with ritual; and one of those rituals was the wearing of a collar.

One of my counselors (yes, even life coaches have life coaches), suggested that I bury a symbol of my submission to this man. I choose the leather collar that was made especially for me by a beloved friend with a blue crystal hanging off of it. I loved my collar and what it represented.  Not only my submission to this man, but my relationship to surrender.

When I was released from my "collar" with this man, it seemed that the obvious thing was to bury the collar - as a way of letting go.

So I did it. I walked in the snow into the woods, with a candle, some sage and my beloved collar. I didn't bury it in the ground. I put it in a tree. The tree had this opening that reminded me of a vulva. So I did this ritual and put the collar inside the womb of the tree. I lit a candle, said some chants and buried it deep with leaves and twigs.

Over the next few weeks I checked on the collar. I removed it from the tree and wanted it back, but I told myself that this would be unhealthy.

Until today. Today it hit me like a ton of bricks. That was MY collar, not his. My collar represented the gift of my surrender. It was a gift, and he returned it. But it was always mine.

That's why it felt wrong to me to bury the collar, it was like burying an aspect of myself and giving it up because  this man didn't want it any more. It didn't mean that my relationship with surrender needed to end. It was not over because he choose not to engage with me around it.  Surrender was something that was totally mine, and I got to express it in any way that I choose to in my life. And if that collar was an important symbol to me, that I needed to go get it.

So, off I went to find that tree again in the woods. Since I had been in the woods, somebody in forestry had cut down a bunch of trees. I got really nervous, was the tree gone? At first I almost couldn't find it, but I just surrendered.....and there it was.

And after six weeks, the collar was inside the tree just where I left it. The tree had done a beautiful job holding the symbol of my gift. I thanked her, and let my hands touch the leather. The blue crystal was fabulous in the light.

My surrender is mine. It is a gift that I give to myself, and sometimes share with others. No one has the power to take that from me.

It was delicious to reclaim that today.