So, one of my mentors - Joseph Kramer, PhD told me to go read this column by this very famous sex columnist Dan Savage (I am a huge fan - by the way!) - here is the link to the column in question. In this particular column - that somehow I had missed, Dan is talking about this book called "I'd Rather Eat Chocolate: Learning to Love my Low Libido" By Joan Sewell. Apparently according to Sewell - woman naturally have lower libidos - and would rather eat chocolate or at least lots and lots of chips and pizza, than have sex! Look - I like my carbs as much as the next girl and I have used food - over and over again to fill the empty places inside of me that I just couldn't name. Okay - lets be real here - I have used food for just about everything! But I am not so sure about this premise - and I have to be honest - I have also not read Mss Sevell's book - just Savage's column.
And what got me is how Dan - who I love - was being so hostile in this particular column towards women! He was full of forget about it boys - she just isn't into it and it doesn't matter what you do. Dan Savage went into this long rant about the "if onlys". He said something like - well gentlemen you can forget about all the "if' onlys".
"If only I helped her with the dishes she would have had sex"
"If only she wasn't so tired"
If only I came home from work early to have a romantic dinner"
Dan basically said great-now we know the truth about women - now us men can give it all up and stop trying so hard because she isn't going to fuck us anyway!
So his advice for the men in America? Go drink your beers - play your video games - and fart. And his advice to woman? Put up or shut up when your man goes else where!
This particular column is really a dis-service to all of us.
I am getting really tired of all of this women don't like sex stuff. Not the woman that I know! What I do know is that women get bored. If you are snoozing and serving up the same old thing....night after night....she might choose to open another candy bar and put that in her mouth rather than you! Don't tell me that sitting with a lap top buzzing is a turn on. It's not. Why not grab her while she is walking by your easy chair and throw her over your lap for a sensuous tickle? See if that doesn't wake her up? Do something different! Savage makes fun of sex play toys...such as chocolate frosting for the body - he says it is not dignified for parts of the male anatomy. I wonder if most men's anatomy would care about it's dignity with a happy tongue playfully washing off the sprinkles?
I believe that we are a nation of sexual paradoxes. We crave sex and think about it constantly - but we are also sexually asleep. We are sexually out of shape! Perhaps we need sexual trainers! Just like gym trainers! And they do exist! Just read my blog - but this needs to go main stream. Just like many people need a trainer to exercise - some may need a sexual trainer to help them wake up their libidos!
When I listen to doctors talk about low sexual urges - I go back to my metaphor of sleeping beauty. If we are bored and not engaged - we fall asleep. If we are encouraged to wake up and engage - we will dance with the prince! Or ourselves! Look, it's not just the man's job for wake us up. We have to wake ourselves up. That is really the truth. But this nonsense that the truth of it all is that us women are just are born to like sex less - is a myth worth busting.