Sometimes I have to be reminded to practice what I preach - and that means - keeping the little voices at bay that whisper not so sweet nothings into my ear. My self sabotaging voices usually have to do with my body - or my ability to create the future that I want. Even I need to be reminded to do what I tell others to do - and that is to stay in each moment - and make time to get inside my body and turn my brain off. For me - the most effective way to get inside my body is through one way touch. Literally surrendering on the massage table and allowing my body to open to pleasure and sensation. Feeling hands on my body reminds me that I am beautiful and full of pleasure. The dance between the massage therapist and my body - hand on skin - draws all of my attention inside to the feelings of sensation and magically takes away my chronic "monkey brain" that is always worrying about the next thing that I have to do.
I was feeling pretty burned out - it's fabulous, fun, and exciting to launch "Shameless" into the world - and I have been on a marathon - until January 18th - the publication date - I am also still working full time in fertility (something that will always be a part of me) so that means that every waking hour is devoted to something! A dear friend and mentor spoke to me and said "Pamela - this is not the time to forget what changed your life! You need touch! Get thee to a massage table - and out of that bag of pretzels!" Oh - I did what everyone does - I whined about not having the time or the money - but reached out anyway to the people in my life that support me. And after a few starts and stops - the beautiful and incredible massage therapist John Ellsworth created time for me to climb on his table.
It's about receiving - and knowing that the person who is giving is also receiving - and there is nothing to do but be in my own body - feel my own breath - and move into his hands. The other day I wrote about this study on my Shameless Woman blog over at Psychology Today that I heard on The Today Show during their hour long special on sex. The study that was cited was all about how over 80% of all women and over 70% of all men want to be tied up. This does not surprise me. They want to be "forced" to receive - "forced" to surrender to pleasure because so many people feel that they always have to give back - always have to "do" in some way - and knowing how to simply receive pleasure is something that is so completely foreign to us - that we want the ropes to enforce the boundary on reminding us to simply receive. Of course - ropes can feel sexy too! And having the rope on our skin may be it's own turn -on. I am just talking about a deeper place of meaning in this blog that the ropes can represent for people.
As for me - I don't need ropes anymore to encourage me to receive touch. I just need a gentle or not so gentle reminder from my friends that I too need to create the time just to receive - and for me the massage table is just the thing. For 90 minutes I went away - and when I came back - John pointed me in the direction of a wonderful little bar to get a hamburger and a martini. A real treat for me. I walked around the corner - how I got there I am really not sure as I was still a bit punch drunk from all that fabulous touch - and sat down at a table for one.
It was good to be alone. I am sure that I was a sight! With a brand new hair do created by massage oil and John's hands - and my slightly glazed over eyes - I was thankful that they seated me! I order my martini as I watched plates of salad go by. No - I wasn't going to have salad. I ordered a hamburger with french fries. Something that I would never do - it's a big scandalous for a chubby girl to eat so freely - especially in public. But I did. I sipped - I day dreamed and I ate that hamburger - bun and all - down to the last crumb.
I sang all the way home my own little mantra - thank you - thank you - thank you!!! Ah the healing power of pleasure - I really need to harness it a bit more often!