My song came on while driving home today. It is actually my anthem. It speaks to my heart. It has my been my song for a while now. Now more than ever. Yesterday I sang very loudly through the tears that were streaming down my face as I sang this to my own heart!
"Landslide I took my love and I took it down I climbed a mountain and I turned around And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills Well the landslide brought me down Oh, mirror in the sky What is love Can the child within my heart rise above Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides Can I handle the seasons of my life Well, I've been afraid of changing 'cause I built my life around you But time makes you bolder Children get older I'm getting older too Well... Well, I've been afraid of changing 'cause I built my life around you But time makes you bolder Children get older I'm getting older, too Well I'm getting older too So, take this love and take it down Year and if you climb a mountain and ya turn around And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills Well the landslide brought me down And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills Well maybe Well maybe Well maybe the landslide will bring you down"
To me it's a song about being willing to face change - and how we can often fear change in a place deep in our bones - until we can really see ourselves clearly in the change. Sometimes that means climbing to great heights only to turn around and go back. To me, this is a song and about finding your courage to leave what is safe and known, That's a biggie - and then being willing to let go and move on. It's a song about growing up at any age and coming to terms with the fact even though you love something and it is was the most precious to you- it may no longer serve your life. In fact some things in our lives that we have loved may in fact actually hurt you - no matter how much you loved it or was devoted to it.......sometimes a landslide will bring you down.
There have been so many land slides in my life the last few years and so many changes. The cool thing is what is actually new for me in this process, is that I am finding that I am adjusting to the changes in a entirely new way. The feeling of needing to stay with something because I felt needy, or needed to feel accepted or wanted has slowly left this woman . This is how I used to operate all the time. If doing something made me feel wanted or needed....I would do it. It was how I felt safe in the world. How I would be kept and not thrown out. But now - as I fly down that snow covered hill, its like I have a snow suit on...and a whoopee cushion in the seat of my pants... Bump...Bump...Bump.....Yee Haw!
Like the singer in the song "Landslide" I find that I am bolder, and that I can weather the changes....the seasons of my life in an entirely new way.
And you can enjoy the seasons too. Sometimes knowing that certain times in your life are gone forever can feel bittersweet - but know how beautiful every season was. Instead of trying to just hang on because you are frightened of the next unknown piece of weather. I have even have found that I am noticing with some discomfort why aren't I more upset about certain things? When things that used to really throw me....well.....just aren't throwing me the way they used to. Is this okay? Why aren't I more upset?
Okay, I may notice a little discomfort -.but a melt down? No....not nearly. Not anymore. This has been an incredible year of victories for me. My book SHAMELESS is coming out - I have continued to work in the field of fertility for over 20 years - and now I am thinking about taking myself in new directions. There is so much work that I feel compelled to do - and by taking those risks - embracing those new paths - I am feeling the that quiet feeling of discomfort that comes with changes. But this time I welcome those feelings. It is a sign that I moving down the right path. I have made new friends....and some in unexpected places. How I have come to view my life has changed. And I am envisioning my future as an dynamic work in progress.
What it so interesting to me is that I really credit my ability to climb the mountain and turn around - to see my reflection in the snow cover hills with the embodiment work that I have written about and participated in over the last four years. It has created a stronger, more self assured woman...who understands her value in the world and does not simply accept others projections onto me. There was a time that if someone called me something....or labeled me something...I would have just accepted it....in order to be kept in that person's life.
My desire to be wanted was so strong. Not so much anymore. I have gotten the lesson that I do not have to work that hard anymore to be wanted. I don't have to accept other people's stuff simply to stay in their lives.
I cannot put this Genie back in the bottle. I have been launched as my book is ready to fly into people's arms. My view of myself is forever altered. I see myself fully as a woman who is deeply committed to supporting other women in finding this place in themselves. And I am finally positioned to do that work. In every loving ounce of me - I am sharing all of me, in all the ways that I can. And I feel like I am finding just the right people to support me in this moment - teach with me- and help each woman explorer on her way to her own mountain.
Team Shameless is forming! More to come!!! Cha Cha Cha Changes!!!