If you read my book "Shameless: How I Ditched The Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner" you know that I'm a fan of "Hands on" or Somatic (through the body) sexuality healing. It's also a great way to go deeper into your body and explore your sexuality in a safe way that is all about you. Through working with a Certified Sexological Bodyworker, or a trained Sacred Intimate, you can safely explore your own body and work on everything from understanding your own erotic responses, to learning how to manage body and sexual shame. Frankly, the list of things that you can explore with hands on work is very extensive. Every day I speak with women who are exploring working with a "Somatic Sex Educator" and besides looking for help on finding their way, they want to know how to keep things safe, and get the most out of their sessions.
Here are four things that you can do to get the most our of your sessions and keep yourself safe! It's all about being able to speak our desires, setting boundaries, understanding consent and slowing down. The best sessions in the world happens when we take the time to understand and honor this foundation.
Think about the best sex you ever had. Were you in a place of having your desires heard? Were your boundaries honored? Did you lover take the time to make sure that you were on board? If we don't feel safe, we can't relax. And if we can't relax there is no arousal, blood flow, or the ability to surrender into pleasure. Even though your Sexological Bodyworkers is not your lover, you are exploring sexuality with this trained professional. If we don't understand boundaries, consent, and how to slow things down so that we can really feel and understand what is happening for us in a session: disasters can happen.
So, here's an absolutely, indispensable primer on what you should understand in order to not only get the most out of your sessions, but keep yourself safe too!
Understanding and Setting Sexual Boundaries:
Sexual boundaries include boundaries about your body, who touches you intimately or how they will touch you. Sexual boundaries can also include how you are willing to be spoken to when comments are sexual in nature. So many of us are attached to this idea that every aspect of sex is "natural". And that our lovers should somehow know intuitively how far we are willing to go, and what we will enjoy. We can go into a session with a trained Sexological Bodyworker the same way.
Now, your practitioner is well trained in boundaries. For example, in a Certified Sexological Bodywork session, the practitioner keeps his/her clothes on and the touch is one way which means that they touch your body - you do not touch their in an erotic way. But have you thought about your boundaries before you go into a session?
Perhaps you are not ready to be completely naked your first time? Or you do not want internal work? Knowing this ahead of time and communicating clearly with your practitioner is very important. Have conversations with your practitioner about your boundaries and concerns.
And remember, boundaries can change and shift over time, so keeping an ongoing conversation going between you and your practitioner. I also highly recommend not shifting your boundary during a session! We can often change our minds about things when things heat up! But, later - we may have regrets. So notice during your session if you are wanting a boundary shift and discuss it with your practitioner.
I highly recommend waiting until your next session to move that boundary, and really making sure that you want to move it. Doing this with a clear head and not in the moment is essential!
Remember, that having this conversation about boundaries can create tremendous freedom in your sessions. What I have found is that there is always such delicious space and room for exploration in boundaries, and having them set will truly set you free to explore and feel.
So please, take the time to get clear about what your sexual boundaries are, and speak them! Once you both know the boundaries and consent to keeping them, you might find that you are freed up in a completely different way during your session. This will allow you to relax into the moment instead of worrying about what will happen next. It will reduce the need for you to be constantly on alert, and guarding yourself unconsciously during your session.
Consent means that both people in a sexual encounter must agree to it, and either person may decide at any time that they no longer consent and want to stop the activity. This goes for professional sessions as well as in our own private sex lives! And remember, that just because you consent to one behavior does not mean that you may consent to any other behaviors. Consenting during one session to a particular kind of exploration does not mean that you consent or are you obligated to consent on any other sessions. A good Sexological Body Worker will always ask about consent and check in with you during your sessions. You also need to check in with yourself! Do I consent to G Spot exploration? Do I consent to having my scar massaged or my breasts? Do you want it? It is your choice to consent or not. Remember your sessions are all about you!
Speaking Your Sexual Desire:
One of the most wonderful and transformational experiences that can come out of working with a trained hands on practitioner is learning how to speak your desires. Speaking what we want when it comes to our sexuality can be loaded with shame. Practicing speaking what we want, and negotiating our desires is key to a fabulous session as well as a delicious and empowered sex life! It's important to remember that even if we speak our desires not all of our desires can or will be met in a session or even in our private sex life. But learning how to communicate our needs and wants is an essential part of getting the most out of your sessions.
So many times, people "gulp" their sessions. They want to feel it all, all at once! That's like going to a great big buffet and expecting to really be able to taste all the flavors and digest your meal in a healthy way. Often when we eat too fast, we end up with a belly ache. The best way to experience Sexological Bodywork or really any kind of hands on healing work is in a series of at least five sessions, that's why Back to The Body: A Sensuous Retreat For Womenis five days long. We want the women to have the opportunity to be able to slow way down in their sessions so that they can go deeper into their experiences and really take it all in. We also want to prevent belly aches! So if you think you are going slow in your sessions, consider going slower! How deeply can you feel?
Do you want to know more? Please contact me for a free consultation, and I will be happy to talk further about whether exploring this healing modality might be right for you.