When it Comes To Sex: Don't Yuck my Yum

I think that there is a new snobbery a foot. It's "sex snobbery".  It is showing up everywhere and in the most subtle ways. I listen to sex educators and friends talk about "other people's" sexual expression with a tone of judgement and superiority which is frankly tone deaf.

It can look like this: Poly or people who have "Open Marriage" or "Open Relationships" can talk negatively about Monogamous people. They can say speak about the boredom and normalcy of monogamy.  That folks who are monogamous are not "enlightened" or hoard love or have not mastered their "attachment or abandonment issues".

And now reverse that.  People who live in monogamy talk about Poly folks as lacking commitment and being oversexed.  They speak of Poly as "legalized" cheating.  And it goes on Heterosexuals are judged by people who enjoy same sex partners.  Now reverse it.

Vanilla judges Kinky and Kinky judges Vanilla. How about we agree not to "YUCK each others YUM?" No one's sexual or gender expression is superior to someone anyone's else. Sexuality is unique.

Everybody's relationship with sexuality, gender, and romance is unique. Just because we share the knowledge that we both  enjoy a particular sex toy doesn't mean that we will experience it the same way.

No one can feel an erotic feeling or emotion tied to sexuality just the way you. All of our feelings and how we process experiences are uniquely our own. And all of this "Sex Snobbery" can be really hard when people want others to "give them an experience" and "get it right".

Let's take it to the bedroom!

So, if we can agree that all of our relationships to sexuality is unique - how do we go about creating a better relationship with sex leaving all of that sex snobbery behind?

1. Prepare for change.  Decide that you are ready to change your relationship with your own sexuality. Acknowledge that you feel like there is something missing, a problem a disconnect. Acknowledge that you want to feel more than you are currently feeling.

2. Choose to make a change with your relationship with your own sexuality. If you are in a partnered relationship you may choose to speak with your partner about your desires for change. If you are not in a partnered sexual relationship you may begin by opening the conversation with yourself about what you feel you are missing and wanting. You may choose to seek the help of a sexuality coach or sign up for a program created to support people explore their sexuality.

3.  Keep the yuck out of the yum and lower your sexually enlightened nose a notch or two. It will be more becoming.


Fifty Shades of Relationship: 8 Tips on Keeping it Hot and Together

I'm not just a sex expert, I've been"happily enough" married for 30 years. That's no small achievement and I'm happy to wear the merit badge. I also live an out of the box life erotically  and support others to evolve their own sexuality on their own and in their long term romantic relationships.  Recently, someone called me a "Marriage Whisperer" but we don't have to whisper. Let's face it, after you say "I do", you evolve.  If you don't evolve in your own life, you dry up and emotionally deaden. A sexual numbness can creep in like the fog on a San Francisco morning.  How can a person who is living an evolutionarily life expect their relationship to stay the same? Marriages, romantic relationships and live in partnerships need to shift and transform too other wise they fracture and die. I think that's the biggest reason for the  high split up rate in the United States.  Somehow, we think that if our relationship can't stay as it was when we agreed to "Happily ever after" that it's broken and it's time to move on.  Here's the thing, most likely you will confront the same issues again and again.

So how do you evolve and keep it hot and sexy in a relationship, marriage or long term partnership?

1. Commit to owning your own sexuality.  Have you really thought about what you want erotically in your own life? Do you have it? What has changed for you since you entered your relationship? It's crucial to do your own work. I have worked with countless women who have told me that they have never had an orgasm alone or with their partner.  Believe it or not, learning to access your shifting sexuality is often work best done at first without your partner!  Our sexual persona can sometimes get trapped in our relationship dynamics. Separating who you are sexually from how you engage with your partner is often the first crucial step.

2. Practice being sexual.  That's right, go flaunt yourself.  Wear clothing that makes you feel sexy.  Walk like you mean it. Go dancing. Read sexy books.  Touch your own body.  Change your look.

3.  Confront the fact that you might be sexually bored.  Honestly, sexual boredom is one of the biggest reason's relationships fail. Perhaps it's time to take your sexuality with your partner out of the bedroom. And let's be clear, I'm talking about way more than having sex on the kitchen counter (even though that can be fun!). It may be time for a "SexPloration Vacation".   Have you ever taken a sexuality workshop together?  Or planned a private couple's sexuality retreat with sexuality experts? Here's the thing, no one really teaches us how to touch, speak our desires, and play erotically. Most of us learned about sex being quiet and quick. It was about shame, not getting pregnant or caught or catching an STD. Even if your sexuality evolved with more sexual freedom than that - most of us never learn to play erotically.  Everyone needs to shake off the sexual cobwebs from our relationship.  Trust me, you're not going to do this by reading a book or simply wishing for something different. You actually need to take action and that could take some courage, time and money.  It's so worth it.

4. Compliment your partner.  When was the last time you told your partner that they did a great job giving you pleasure? Kindness and encouragement go a long way.

5.  When was the last time you brought something new to bed? That's right; I am talking sex toys. Take your partner on a desire tour. Plan a date around inviting something new and sexy into your relationship. There are so many new and exciting sex toys on the market. Grown ups like new toys too; buy one!

6.  Get real. When was the last time you and your partner actually talked about your sex life? Do it.

7.  It's only kinky the first time! What about sharing your sexual fantasies with your partner? This tip goes well with tip number 6.  And don't get discouraged if your first "kinky" experiment doesn't go well. Try again. We need to practice being sexual and trying new things! And consider doing something different that is just for your partner. Maybe you are not "into" being tied up but it doesn't freak you out and it really turns on your partner.  Maybe be willing to try it on for your partner if it is "neutral" for you.  Sometimes our kinks don't line up but they don't repulse us either.  Being able to offer your partner their sexual fantasy can be a great big turn on and can create an opening in your sexual relationship.

8.  Let the other person win the fight!  You don't always have to be right.  You know the expression: "Do you want to be happy or right?" Sometimes, it's worth it to let go of being right in favor of being sexy together.


The Gift of Long Term Relationship: And 7 Tips

I have slept for most of 30 years with my husband spooned around my body. Like two swans. Anaïs Nin say this: “Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.” And this is true. All relationships change. It's an evolution. They will never be the same from one month to the next or one year to the following decade. When I was 17, I didn't need a "Fifty Shades of Gray" to get excited or turned on.That was not in my consciousness yet. I was who I was at 17 and I was whole and complete.

It was enough for my then boyfriend, now husband, to kiss me. I swear to all that is holy that I had an orgasm with that first kiss. All that I needed was his lips to touch mine.

That same kiss to me today, from my beloved of 33 years has a completely different delicious flavor today. And it's a kiss of the deepest love I think I have ever experienced. The kiss is not a climax or toes don't curl anymore.  The kiss is not the taste of a long desperate yearning or the thrill many of the erotic games and rituals that I so deeply enjoy and love in this place in my life.

I don't share that with this man 33 years later. I share something evolutionary. It is the kiss of a man with an incredible big heart that opens to me and sees me with incredible beauty. It's the gift of trust and of allowing me to always evolve without leaving me. That's the kiss. The kiss of extraordinary relationship loyalty. The gift of loving someone so completely that you can see them as 17, or holding your baby on an operating table near death, or the kiss of our empty nest. Or holding you while your grieve the losses in your life. Or dancing with you and cheering at each small victory that life brings. It is the kiss of comfort when your "outside relationship" is stretching you and you want to cry and kick and scream. And he says to be patient, and quiet and not to make a mess. How about some popcorn instead?

Not everyone will get to taste this unique, rare kiss of extended loving over a life time. It's take's a certain willingness to stay.  It takes a willingness to be looking at what used to work, and shifting to what works now. It takes a willingness to learn how to replenish love's source, as it's source is always changing. It takes a willingness to kiss the wounds and the tarnishing that all relationships experience. It takes a willingness to love through change without judgement.

Today as I opened my eyes, my husband reached over me and held me in his arms. His mouth reached down and offered me his kiss.  Again.

So how did we become marriage or long term relationship "survivors" and "thrivers"? 1.  Be willing to look at the need for connectedness and space to create a balance.  Fires need air.  Don't do everything together.

2.  Practice  erotic privacy not secrecy.  If one of you wants to watch porn, or has a sexual desire that you want to explore without your partner talk about it and do not hide it.  Secrets corrupt a relationship and everyone needs some erotic privacy. Privacy is different than lying and sneaking around. How do you have what you need and do not want to share with your partner without having a secret?

3. Being willing to be uncomfortable with the idea of allowing each person in the relationship to have experiences outside of the relationship. Whether it is a bicycle trip across the county or going to sexuality retreat for women.

4. Being willing to stay when you are bored, not turned on and totally restless and realizing that no matter who you choose to be with in life, "New Relationship Energy" fades and eventually you will get to this place again. So how do you work with it?

5. Do something unexpected in the relationship like work with a "Marriage Whisperer" and go on a private retreat for couples or attend a sexuality workshop for couples. Doing something spicy and edge pushing is sometimes exactly what a couple needs. We get stuck in routine and we think that "these kinds of experiences" are not for us.  Yes they are.

6. Being willing to be truthful when needs and desires change.

7. Look at yourself. How are you doing? Do you need to do something for you and your relationship with your body and your sexuality? Usually this is work that each person has to do on their own too.  We all need to evolve too. What are you doing to keep evolving? When was the last time you spoke to someone about sex, relationships, and your changing body? Do you have your own "Pleasure Plan"?

7.  Pay attention.  The biggest gift that long term couples can give each other is attention and presence. Are you holding hands? Saying "I love you" or noticing each other? Notice. Compliment and cheer each other on.